A Year Ago

A Year Ago

Had you told me that I would transform an additional 30 pounds by EATING MORE FOOD, I would have laughed. Or had you suggested I learn from a new teacher, I wouldn't have believed you. Had you told me I would learn how to love cooking, I would have doubted you. And had you told me that I would uncover even more about myself by examining my relationship with food, I would have stopped in my tracks.

A year ago I began my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment. With the support of Maggie Christopher, a holistic nutrition counselor, the GiveIt100.com social media platform and my own willingness to explore, I began creating an authentic relationship with my health, food and weight.

Inner wisdom let me know my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment would be a powerfully healing experience. With a few outcomes, though mostly focused on intention setting, I learned valuable lessons through my 100 days. Creating a daily 10 second video and then sharing them weekly here added to my healing like no other and beyond what I thought it would. It kept me accountable, kept me moving and kept me honest with myself.

Let's Keep Traveling Together

The 100 Days with Maggie was a jump start on my path as a Wellness Warrior, though one could say, it began long before I was consciously aware it was. To support my continued path, once a month, I sit across from Maggie in her 3rd floor St. Paul office. The comfortable cream love seat with beautifully embellished teal pillows support me body, while Maggie sits on what I can imagine is an equally comfortable chair, next to the fire place and supports my head, heart and soul.

Tomorrow Maggie and I will walk together in sacred trust to explore where my journey has taken me in the last month. We'll talk, because that's what is needed, in a way where I feel safe to journey further on my path.

I'll talk about how last week, in response to stress, I indulged with chocolate. And while chocolate in moderation is delightful, it was in the over indulgence where something shifted. I'll share that I was eating more than what feels best for my body and how I found a way, after having a migraine on Monday to reset the equilibrium with my authentic relationship with health, food and weight. As it turned out, I wasn't being all that nice or loving to myself.

And for all of these pieces, the roads we've traveled, side by side and the roads we have yet to explore, I thank you Maggie for being a guiding light and allowing me to shine!

With Love, Jan

The Upcoming Anniversary

Before work world calls me back

Words pour out my finger tips

It's been 2 years on Sunday

An anniversary of...

Life, body, healing
Transformation

September 21, 2012
The day I recognized and seized the moment that transformed my life forever

While "everything" didn't change, so very many things did

How many moons I've seen

And sunrises experienced since that day

Minutes of time pass, leading into days and weeks
Finding it now to be months and years

How often I thought "I'd never make it" to the next day
Not holding strong, barely holding on
Some days met with ease
Others where I really had to spend time to see

 

Stepping into uncharted territory

The navigation set before me

And yet, I didn't know where I was going
No outcome was predictable in that present vantage point

Trust of radical space
And yet I leaped in

There were lights shining the way

Though only a few feet in front

Enough to feel safe

Yet not enough to know where I'd end up

I still find myself trying to see beyond

To see past the light, where the shadow lies

Though it simply isn't possible

 

Place a wish in a jar

A kiss on a star

Connect to the Universe
The "something bigger than me"
Where gratitude and grace reside

On that day
My life could no longer be lived in an ordinary way
Not any more

Trust remains at the heart of my exploratory journey

To be in trust

With trust

And appreciate when trust surrounds a connection

 

I think of my Grandma E

How her poetry and journals now sit on my dining room table

And in her memory, I share two of the poems she wrote

Janet 1

Janet, your grandmother sends you love

You are truly a gift from heaven above

On October 5, 1982, you were born

At 1:17 in the wee hours of the morn

Janet 2

I'm quite lonesome for lively little Janet

I see her clearly in the eye of my mind

Questioning forehead, questioning eyes

Active legs, active arms

She smiles and everybody is charmed

Sweet baby smell, I sniff

Thank you for her, a blessed gift.

With Love, Jan

The Weigh In

23rd Month

Anniversary celebrations are a loving way for me to connect in and reflect on the intentions of my healing journey. On the eve of my 23rd Month Anniversary with my food/body/life transformation, I see where healing has occurred and find myself awakened to new areas of exploration. This little life of my has wanted to shine and in the 'doing', I find that the 'being' brings forward the authenticity of nurturing vulnerability. Like a deep sea diver hunting for buried treasure, I too find myself unearthing beautiful gems; parts of my soul that are ready to shine and be shown to the world.

As I make my way towards my 2 year anniversary, I feel the healing breathe return to acknowledge and honor my past, making space for reflection. In the spirit of reconnection, I find myself willing to journey in. Last year at this time I wrote: Let Me Tell You About This Gal. Part of me likes it because my story is there, the waves I struggled with, the pieces of my heart that were found and the hope (and trust) it took to get me where I was. Though mostly, I liked reconnecting with my past, pinning it to the earth and allowing it to be what it was.

The Weigh In

On February 26, the second day of my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, I filmed myself weighing in and observed the devastation that ran across my face for having gained 0.4 pounds. And I realized that stepping on the scale had become a measure of my success. One way or another I'd come out with a black or white reaction to what that number was: "good" for having dropped weight or "bad" for having gained weight. Yet, in the observation of the video, something happened; I recognized a more loving way to honor my journey.

Stepping away brought up fear and doubt, how would I measure my success or know if I needed to reset my eating habits without this number? The first week was hard and then the next a bit easier, until time passed and the shift occurred. The power was taken away from the number and the energy I once poured into getting the "right" number was focused into noticing HOW my body felt. If I felt uncomfortable in clothing, I took notice with compassion. Stepping away from the scale was one of the healthiest choices made within my body transformation and I am grateful I did it.

As time went on, the ease with the unknown came in. The number stopped defining me and noticing how my body felt was liberating. I made the choice to hold myself accountable to how I want to feel. So to my surprise, earlier last week just before bed, I had a vision of myself stepping on the Wii Fit board and weighing in. This time rather than judging the indication of my body's mass; love and compassion surrounded the space. Laying my head down to rest, I allowed this vision to settle in beside me. Upon waking, support blossomed and trust allowed me to see my weight as a number; a data point. 

I AM PROUD

Feeling of excitement and anxiousness stepped forward and before I placed my feet on the board, I breathed in deeply and gave myself a hug. 

 
It had been 166 days since my last weigh in and in humble gratitude, I found the support and trust there within myself to acknowledge the registered number. I have transformed additional weight since the last weigh in and now find myself 111 pounds lighter. As I send gratitude for the journey, for the support and encouragement and for the trust within to honor what comes forward. The signals my body sends me, the comfort (or discomfort) are taken care of with healthy nourishment and I listen; creating metabolism that thrives with greens, protein and healthy fats. 

I AM PROUD! Proud of the way my body has let me know what it needs. Proud of the nurturing care I've provided it. Proud that as the waves came in or rolled out, I kept swimming, trusting that I hadn't come this far to fall off the earth, rather to become stronger, to shine and to thrive.

With Love, Jan

I Want

To Celebrate my 22nd month anniversary with reflection and gratitude

To Acknowledge where I was and where I am

To Continue to learn, receive and heal

To Be...

Last July I celebrated a 90 pound body transformation and in reflection, I acknowledge how much growth and healing has filled my life since then. The journey of my transformation has been filled with lesson after beautiful lesson and as I reflect, gratitude for trusting in the heart whispers that said, "give this a try" abound.

Beyond feeling better, the scale and my weight once measured my success, though, soon it shifted when the slightest weight increase would register. Making the choice to step away from the scale on my second day of my GiveIt100.com video was scary, how would I know I was doing well and how would I keep myself accountable? Though somewhere deep inside, I found the courage to trust it by how I felt. Navigating without the scale, was liberating and I'm so grateful for this step.



Enjoying a nourishing meal.

This year, our trip out west had me facing the depth of my food needs. Armed with my Salads-in-a-Jar (true lifesavers) I felt prepared for my nourishment. After researching gluten-free/friendly restaurants, I felt confident in where we'd dine. Though there were times when I found myself requesting my dietary needs, being told they'd work and returning to a moving vehicle feeling ill.

Beyond this, there was a shift in my thoughts around this trip and I found myself saying "I Want... I want to go to the gas station and eat whatever I want. I want to not be sick after certain meals. I want (and so the list goes on)." Suddenly, my nourishment became more about what I thought I wanted than what I truly needed. Though rather than acknowledge the thoughts (perhaps I was just not ready), the "I Wants" gathered in the "I'll deal with that later" pile began. Resentment settled in and in the last few weeks I've been trying to make my way out of the layers of anger and dismissed fury.

My body craved balance upon returning home and in the beginning it felt like I was "starting over." Though really, what I've learned cannot be taken away, rather, I just need to take time to sort through, acknowledge and reconnect with myself.

And this morning, as I noticed a small part of my arm that was inflamed, I knew in my heart, it is time to return home. To return to the place where I flourish, am loved and compassion flows freely. Where I honor and create an authentic relationship with myself, health, food and weight.

With Love, Jan

The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

The Journey of Nourishment

Can a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really transform someone?
On February 25th I began a new journey for my healing transformation. In 100 Days I planned to nourish myself. It wasn't only all about the food (though sometimes it was) or about what or how I ate. Nourishment has layers and what I truly wanted was to feed my soul. When I decided to dedicate 100 days to do this, courage and trust became essential. GiveIt100.com (a social media platform where other like-minded individuals wanted to learn something in 100 days too) played landscape to my journey.  A place where it's foundation of support offered a way to document the healing work I was doing. Diving in, a deep sense of knowing came forward, I knew how important this tool would be to helping me grow the garden of my heart.

Where I Began

It started off; the way most journeys of the self, back to the self, begin. I was unsure of the final destination, didn't know what I would "have" to do or what I would "have" to give up. An element of trust was needed and a deep belief arose and I knew that at the conclusion of the 100 days, I'd arrive exactly where I was meant to be and that I would learn something about myself, no matter what. What I discovered along the way, is that in the creating, editing and sharing of my videos; my ability to be loving, gentle and compassionate with myself grew.

In my work world, my organizational skills are always by my side and a good check list never far behind. So I applied this concept to this project; if I was going to pour time, energy and love into this, I wanted to understand my purpose. I wrote about my intentions with this journey Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey.

Incorporating beautiful "real" foods was one piece. In the 16 months prior to February 25, I'd been on a cleanse (yes, a 16 month cleanse). My body celebrated joyously with the elimination of gluten, dairy and refined sugars. And as I  honored my body, I discovered a life of less pain. I began transforming weight (100+ pounds on my last weigh-in in February), no more stomach issues, no more migraines and my body began menstruating without the assistance of any prescription medications. The use of supplemental shakes for 2 meal replacements helped me get there, though something shifted around the holidays (I know what it is, I'm just not able to write in there yet). Though in this shift, I noticed that familiar place I return to when I finish one leg of the journey and am just on the verge of embracing another. I arrive and an old familiar thought comes in, "ok, you can stop here. You've done so much. Healed, learned and feel so much better, honestly, isn't this far enough?" Thankfully through meditation, awareness and compassion, I knew what was happening, so I took my time and discovered that a new piece of my heart wanted to be honored and the desire to nourish resonated within my soul.

Being Ready

The idea of being "ready" often brushes up against different parts of me in uncomfortable ways. 
Were my life, soul and heart truly "ready" for this journey?
YES! (sang with a resounding heart glow)
Was my mind or the pieces that were use to staying in the darkness "ready"?
Um, no, not really! (uttered under the breath, trying not be noticed)
So it took a lot of courage (and self-compassion) to notice both and honor what is truly best for me.

Reaching out to receive support was essential and Maggie Christopher, my holistic nutrition counselor, arrived into my life when I was ready. Amazingly enough I'd kept her business card for 3 years and as I was cleaning in the dark of winter, her card was found with a light of hope. My soul knew Maggie would help me find the keys I needed for my journey of nourishment. Partnering together in a sacred space, with the support she provided and my willingness to lean in, I discovered growth, compassion and healing when doors were opened with keys of love.

When I began incorporating real foods, first for my lunches and then 2 weeks later for breakfast, I needed to make space for my fears of and with food. Patience and time sat beside me as I navigated where I could. And in the last few months, I now claim the title of a fearless food prepper (give me an organized shopping trip Thursday/Friday with batch cooking on Sunday and I'm happy & set for the week.) And while the shakes are still here, they live in the "every so often" category, rather than a staple meal.

Reaching Day 100

So when I look back, yes, a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really can transform someone. As I reached my final 100th day on June 5th, I needed time to write this blog post. And while I was celebrating with friends and family, it seemed inauthentic for me to "write, just to write". So I created space for the silence, to allow for the time away from this blog to be a time of reflection and honoring.

And while I may not have crossed everything off from my check list, what I "thought" was going to be important, was minor compared to what stepped forward when I honored my intuition. I trusted someone new (again, thank you, Maggie), used a new tool (thank you, GiveIt100.com) and found myself creating an authentic relationship with food, my body and myself. Being present in and with the experience, I discovered my ability to be compassionate and courageous. To see the old patterns for what they are, honor them and release them with love. Because the truth is; they no longer fit me or the life I want to live.

Those little 10-second videos may only have shown snip-its of what was happening, though in the process they are my tribute to the journey I am on and I am grateful. Transformation, mindfulness and self-compassion didn't happen to me in one 10-second video, it was in a series acts of being engaged, intentional and creating what I wanted. Sometimes this meant sharing when I didn't "think" I could and honoring the little voice inside of me that said, "Give It A Try"

With Love, Jan

Week 13: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

For the past few weeks I've been waiting for inspiration to arrive, knowing that I wanted to do another 100 Day project. And while I'll keep nourishing myself beyond the 100 Days, I want to honor the amazing transformation I've been a part of and begin a new chapter. With the final 9 days left of my journey, I find myself in a place of gratitude and amazement. How did February 25th fly by so quickly? Wasn't I just stomping through the snow in my backyard to write 2.25 for my cover photos, only now to find myself enjoy each of my meals outdoors? This journey and opportunity to share the GiveIt100.com projects has made a difference in my life and I am grateful, here's my Week 13 of videos:

With Love, Jan

The Eve of My 20 Month Anniversary

20 Month Anniversary

Hard to believe, (though I know it is true), that my life changed 20 months ago. That I became more of the woman I am today, by making the choice I did then. And that my journey was meant to be exactly how it is; beautiful, compassionate, authentic and healing. That I was meant to journey in, to travel on and that this journey too had a mission: to safe my life! It isn't too often that I truly acknowledge how far I've come, where I've been and the beauty that has stepped forward in each chapter of this journey. I found my courage underneath the weight I carried and this connection changed my life forever.

It’s interesting on this eve of my 20 month anniversary that I find myself sitting in my backyard, listening to the birds sing and basking in the evening glow of the sunset, that I find myself in a different space than I have been with other anniversaries. Something shifted after my 1 year anniversary, I realized I was 100 pounds lighter and breathing more deeply. Yet, I became afraid of the power I held within myself, because if it meant I could do this, then what else was I in store for? 

I found myself hibernating through the winter months. Coming inward and connecting with the deeper work that my soul was ready to embrace. Yet, there were old messages that began repeating and I somehow began to doubt what I’d done, what I was doing and what I wanted to do – mostly, I doubted myself. That pattern of self-doubt continued to play itself out and I continued to recognize it and rather than trying to do something with “it” I practiced staying still. Noticing the triggers that brought me inward and the activities I could do to help heal it. 

The Honoring

Beginning my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment on Feb 25th, allowed me to be even more connected with my journey and myself (today is day 85!). With each moment I shared, I began finding my way back to myself. The videos became a way for me to communicate from my heart and with each week that passed, I found self-compassion overflowing.

Earlier this week, I felt the pull to find a way to honor this anniversary, not just to share the photos, no, much deeper than that, to share my heart.

If a part of me hadn't believed in myself then; 

I wouldn't be here today. 

If a part of me hadn't thought, “yes, you can do this;" 

I wouldn't have done it. 

And if a part of me hadn't trusted in the power of healing; 

I wouldn't find myself moving from surviving to thriving.

It took a series of choices to get where I am, ounces of courage to love the darkness that I use to avoid and loving curiosity to explore. So on this eve of my 20 month anniversary, I don’t know what I weigh or the difference of my body's measurements. (Stepping away from the scale during my 100 Day Journey has been one of the best gifts I've given myself.)

Though what I do know is that I weighed more when I was hiding from issues in my life, than I do now when I lean into them. I do know that I have an amazing capacity for energy that flows from a place so happy to be alive. And I know that as I write, I.AM.PROUD! Proud of myself. Proud of my body. Proud of the choices I made and the courage it takes to continue journeying. And Proud of living my life more authentically. 

With Love, Jan

Week 12: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan

Week 10: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan

The Exercise

The Slow Down Diet 

I'm trying something different this week and blogging about what comes forward with the primary task (or exercise if you will) in one of the books I'm reading with my holistic nutrition counselor. Yesterday I shared that chocolate crept in as a self-soother and today when I found myself coming home with more sweets (even alternative sweets require a delicate balance for me) than I've had in the last few months, I realized doing this exercise is essential. So I'm making the choice to share, explore and be with the information that comes forward, all while being compassionate and supportive.

Primary Task - Week 6: The Metabolic Power of Thought

Let me start off by saying, this chapter (and book) have opened doorways for me to support my goal of creating an authentic relationship with food. Writing into this is another tool to help me identify thoughts that drain energy and replace them with thoughts that gain energy. This is meant to be a new beginning in how I use my mind to support my highest intentions.

Exercise: Think Nutritionally

I've written down my most common thoughts I repeat to myself about eating, nutrition, and my body. These thoughts come together to shape my relationships with food and ultimately help or hinder my metabolism. I completed this exercise in 3 parts. 1st: I wrote everything out. 2nd: I reread them and placed an "*" next to the thoughts that empower my metabolism and an "x" next to the thoughts that diminish it. 3rd: I used strickthrough to replace the energy-draining thoughts with metabolically inspiring ones.

What do you tell yourself when you're eating?
* If I'm eating something that works for my body, I'm rejoicing.
x If I choose something with more sugar or whole grains, I think how it will hurt my body later and then assume it will. When I listen to my body, the foods I choose are nourishing and healing.
x Sometimes I think about why I'm the only one eating this specific way. There are many people who eat to feed their bodies nutritious food and I am one of the many people who supports my body's needs.
x When I have more emotional days, I think about going to the drive-thru at one of my old favorite places and just ordering the food to eat it and feel full, regardless of how I'd feel afterward. This is an old belief I am changing. Now, I support and nourish myself at all times and when I'm feeling more emotional, I choose self-compassion and exploration.
* When I shop and I read labels on certain foods, once I know it is in there, I avoid it.
x Sometimes, I wish I didn't care what the ingredients were, that I could just buy whatever I wanted to because it looks/sounds good. I read the ingredients from a place of love and choose wisely.
x If I don't eat enough food now, I'll be hungry later and I won't be able to find something to satisfy me then (so I over eat). My body knows how much food I need each time I eat. I choose to support how much and how often I need to eat to feel my healthiest and by having nutritious snacks available, I support what my body needs.
x I wish it were easier to just "go out to dinner" and come away feeling ok. I research restaurants that support what my body needs and by doing this and asking for what I need, going out to dinner is an enjoyable treat.
x Sometimes I'm comfortable with the food on my plate and sometimes I'm not. I am increasing my capacity with comfort and relaxation with my food. If I feel discomfort, I support what my body is telling me and make another choice.
* I choose to feel nourished and satisfied with this food.

What do you expect food to do for you?
* Nourish.
* Create energy, providing power to be my authentic self.
x I ask food to comfort me, to be there when no one else is and to bring me out of feeling so lonely, providing me with a feeling of fullness, so that I at least feel like I can have that. I choose to be curiously compassionate when it comes to supporting myself.
x I also expect if I eat certain things (gluten, dairy, too many grains, too much sugar) that I will become sick (migraine, digestion issues, emotional swings) and if ignored for too long, that I will gain weight. I support the signals my body sends me by making choices with my food.

What nutritional rules do you feel strongly about?
* Eat protein, healthy fats and greens.
* Add variety by trying new foods.
* Read labels and make a choice, either put it in the cart or back on the shelf, trusting that once it's in the cart it will work for me.
* Eating at the dining room table and putting my fork down between bites helps create a more enjoyable eating experience.
* Be open to finding new recipes.

What are your rules about health, weight, and longevity?
* To feel better.
* Make choices that support my authentic self.
x Avoid gluten and dairy 99% of the time. I appreciate knowing that my body prefers gluten and dairy free food.
x Avoid whole grains 75% of the time and only have in small portions, earlier in the day. I support my body by noticing how many whole grains my body can consume.
x Avoid refined sugar 95% of the time, though alternative sweeteners (agave, maple syrup, coconut sugar) enjoy 50%. I receive sweetness from life in many ways.
x Even weighing less than I was 19 months ago, I could weigh even less now, if I would just take better care of my body. I take excellent care of my body and continue to transform the relationship I have with my body image.
x What I weigh and how I look impacts how I am perceived in the world. I am confident and comfortable with my body.
x Weight protects me when I think nothing else will. I am supported, loved and trust myself.
* I  live a life filled with joy, ease and growth.

What are your fears about health, weight and longevity?
x That if I stop paying attention to what and how I eat, I will gain weight and feel miserable. I choose to enjoy the foods I eat, by enjoying them, I maintain a weight I am happy and confident with.
x It might be easier or quicker if I just ate whatever I wanted to. The foods I choose allow me to be nourished, I find the time, energy and resources to support this.

Is food your enemy or your ally, or is it a combination of the two?
* The foods that I love now are my ally, they help me to feel better, more active, engaged and aware.
x Though it's the memories and associations with foods from my past that have me thinking I have an enemy. It's my thoughts about these other foods that have me feeling nostalgic and then it opens me to shame and the idea that I "can't have" those other foods. I honor the memories and relationships I had with food by noticing, allowing and releasing.

And About Those Sweets

This exercise took me a few hours, with pauses in between. I was diving in and when doing so, it's healthy to remember you already know how to swim. So I honored the process and after my husband and I talked about the sweets I bought at Valley Natural Foods: Suzannes Ricemellow Creme, agave gummy bears and chocolate cover pomegranates (all gluten and dairy free), I realized I'd been "thinking" I was "wrong" or "bad" so I made a choice. While I may not have purchased the items from a fully intentional space, I'll make a choice on how and when I enjoy these sweets. This will be after I've acknowledged my feelings, taking a moment before each bite and by doing so I will truly enjoy them. No guilt, no shame, no "shouldn't do that's", because I'll listen to my body and enjoy it deeply.

With Love, Jan

50th Day of My 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Today is my 50th day of my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment (wow!)

My relationship with food, weight and my health has become more authentic and this journey has been supported by posting a 10 second video on GiveIt100.com daily. I've become more willing to be present to my experience, to share where I am and how I've navigated with deeply beautiful spaces of growth.

And for those who have been supportive and encouraging, thank you! Your words and thoughts are appreciated and I truly believe have been (and will be) essential to the healing journey I am on.

So with arms wide open and a heart filled with love, I embrace what the next 50 days will bring me. The places I'll journey, the people I'll connect with and the stories I'll share!

With Love, Jan

Week 6 & 7: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment & Doors

In the last 2 weeks, I began exploring topics of my self-worth, my journey with infertility and my body image. These topics held weight with them and required time, energy and oodles of self-compassion. 

Here's my Vlog & 2 Week Video Compilation: 

A Little More About Doorways

Maybe some doors stay there, in their place, seen, touched, yet unopened? The door isn't bad or good, wrong or right, it just is. And yes, something is behind it waiting, patiently to be approached. Sometimes it's taking action on something you've always wanted? Sometimes it's reconnecting with others and just because one person has started acknowledging the door, you find yourself faced with an adjoining door, that requires the person to open their door too. This act shouldn't stop you from noticing the door, because even if the door isn't open now, it doesn't mean it won't open later? And maybe there is work to be done on this side of the door before you can pass through it?

With all doors, you know it's shape, size and the details that make it distinguishable from any others and you know it's part of your journey. It's important because you've made it be, otherwise it wouldn't be a door, it wouldn't even be a window, it would just be a time when you made a choice. The doors serve their purposes. They keep out what may be hurtful and keep in what is safe.

My Doors

I have seen many doors in my journey of healing. Some I've been so willing to embrace, open and walk through, others I stand in front of it, angry for it's existence, because I know what lies beyond is where I want to be, not here, in the closed darkness. So I'd fight with it, pretend it's not there and just go about my day. But there simply is no way to continue ignoring it, because before I can reach the outcome, something here, with this door, needs my attention. 

I used to think it only needed to be opened, so I'd try to force it, using tools that weren't right. Turns out the doors only opened when I came to them with no more excuses, no more "plans", no more running away or pushing past it. So I'd spend time in front of the door, sometimes moments, sometimes days. And rather than seeing this door as something in my way, I started asking questions. Why are you here? What do I need to learn before I can open you? And I'd wait, with patience being the teacher and somewhere I'd find the key. The answer was always here, within me. Answers come when the questions can be asked. And opening doors only comes when all pieces of ourselves (heart, soul, mind and body) are ready to open them.

I've opened many doors, particularly in the last 3 years. So I know the amount of time, energy and love that surrounds the journey of the self, back to the self. I also know, no one can get you to see, acknowledge and open the door if you don't believe you hold the key. It's oddly liberating, the act of opening a door. Yet I felt inspired last night to do something differently, rather than just opening door after door, what if I paused and reflected on how far I have come and how many doors I have opened? To be an observer to the life I've traveled and to support, love and release any doubts that this life is anything but designed for me.

Yes, I have patterns from childhood, beliefs I've continued into my adulthood that strike blows against my self-worth, body image and the trust in myself to create the life I want to live. Yes, I have relationships in my life where there's a door and it's closed and only the act of time, patience and love will open it. And yes, I have things I want that aren't in my present life and though it can be painful, it's a reminder that I do indeed want them, yet it isn't going to stop me from being happy now.  

The Pink Project

Yesterday I began noticing a new door. The door is a rosy pink, with a fuchsia pink handle and trim. The top of the door is rounded with a peak in the middle. I can tell it's been there for a while, though yesterday I only noticed it and what I recognized was the inspiration that came forward. That maybe pink, it's color, it's presence and it's meaning are all here for me to see something within my life in a new way. So I began posting pictures of me, wearing pink within my social media world. It began slowly and soon I found myself sharing over 40 pictures. So I'm going to keep doing this, because in my heart, it feels like the best thing to do, a way to honor my journey of what was and celebrate what is.

Body Talk

It began 2 weeks ago, I wanted to create a Vlog about my experience and reflections with my body image. I waited, until I could find the "right moment" to explore this topic. And then as today came in, I realized that I had really just been putting this off, because talking about it and then sharing it changes it and I didn't know if I was "ready" to bring it in to light. Though everything else I did this morning seemed only half full, I was doing the motions, but I wasn't truly invested, because my heart knew what I wanted to do. So with an ounce of courage, I sat outside on this beautiful day and began recording. In editing this, what I didn't show were the long pauses between thoughts, it would seem this topic: Body Image, stirred up thoughts, memories and emotions. I also realized I didn't quite connect with the phrase "Body Image" and maybe that is because I haven't ever talked about it. So in trying to find my way back to a space for healing, I share my vlog.

With Love, Jan

Week 5: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Being a part of the GiveIt100 challenge has been quite rewarding and even though these 10 second videos only begin to touch on all the aspects that are going on in my life, I've truly appreciated what I've seen and the choices I've made. And even if the uncut footage isn't shared publicly, something is happening when I view them for myself.

I've talked about my body transformation, the changes I'm making to eat and enjoy real, beautiful foods and how my dining room table has become a sacred space. Connecting with others and with myself, remains at the heart of this nourishment. Exploring why I over think and calculate my actions is an old pattern, one I'm fairly certain I no longer need. Though how do I honor it, see the gift and beauty and continue to move forward in my life?

I'm paying attention to my intuition, allowing it to guide me with what I share publicly. Sometimes I hold it in, sometimes I release it and sometimes I let it just be. What I haven't talked about, are the pieces that are stepping forward about the relationship with my mother, my ability to mother myself and my own desire to become a mother. I wondered this morning: what if it isn't painful for me to hear others celebrating the creation of new life? What if I support them on their journey and support my emotions too? And what if I trust that what I'm doing is leading me to a space where I can receive anything that comes my way (with or without a child). And that forgiveness and self-compassion will allow a transformation to occur in all of these relationships. 

Last week I found myself in a valley of my journey, digging in to discover the roots of many pieces and as I reached out for support, I received this message from my holistic nutrition counselor, Maggie and I wanted to share.

"Emotions are just feelings in the body that want to be expressed.

You don't have to 'do' anything with them.

Just allow them to be there and notice the sensation in your body.

You don't need to 'think' about the feeling.

See if you can make peace with the feeling.

Suffering happens when you go to war with the feeling and think it shouldn't be there.

I know it can feel scary, but just breathe and allow the sensation of the emotion in your body." 

With Love, Jan

Week 4: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Opportunity for Self-Compassion

Friday

I celebrated and honored my 18 month anniversary with my food changes by updating my profile picture on Facebook to this. So many great people sent support and love my way and I reminded myself that these comments are mirrors I can look at when I'm feeling less compassionate with myself.

Yesterday

It's been 18 months since I began choosing to avoid (gluten, dairy, refined sugar, highly processed foods) and since then, they just haven't been in the house. Even as my husband makes more traditional food choices, he remains one of my number one supporters on my journey. He's been in the battlefield with me (sometimes by choice and sometimes because it's all you can do when you live with someone else.) He's played witness to my transformation and has truly been here, along side of me, encouraging and supporting me.

So a few weeks ago when I began seeing Maggie, my holistic nutrition counselor, I let him know, "I'm prepared for things (the way I eat, how I process foods and how I nourish myself) to change again around here." He was of course fully supportive. And even as I've been making salads, adding Nori seaweed, he's added them to his also. He's also been supportive of eating at the dining room table.

Though yesterday something happened as I came home to fill my fridge full of beautiful greens & veggies to batch cook today. As I began loving placing all the nourishing foods away, I noticed he went shopping too. In the cupboard: mac & cheese, in the pantry: ripple potato chips and in fridge: top the tator. And I froze.

I've grown used to seeing these foods in the "real world" and passing them by without a second thought. Though there was something about them being here, in my home, that brought forward a very real fear & I thought, "What's to stop me from eating all of those things? I'm home, no one would see and no one would need to know." 

My husband thought he did something wrong, though it wasn't him or even the foods. It was something inside of me, that had me feeling this way and thinking these thoughts. A good cry allowed for release, though I felt unmotivated to do anything else. I wanted to honor what was going on and ignore it, all at the same time, realizing both can exist next to each other. And while the thought of food came in as a self-soother, I choose to catch up on episodes of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (laughter = self-soothing and allowed for space). And after 5 hours (a considerably shorter time frame than it has previously been), I recognized that this was an OPPORTUNITY FOR SELF-COMPASSION.

This Morning

I still feel it, though maybe now, I'm actually FEELING it. So before I get into the kitchen to become a Fearless Food Prepper, because I want to cook with love, I'm sharing this vulnerable piece, going out for a walk and making a choice to nourish myself in another way.

With Love, Jan

Week 3: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

I'm going to let my Vlog do the talking. And even though I may have posted less blogs, my journey, the GiveIt100 daily - 10 second video postings and my journaling are speaking loudly and passionately. This week, I'm including a vlog, along with my 7 - 10 second videos of the past week.

Here's a compilation of my videos, along with a vlog about my 3 week experience:

With Love, Jan

Week 2: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

This week I shared one of my most vulnerable moments, the fear that arises when I talk about my relationship with food. In doing so, I found myself camera shy for a few days, though I didn't realize that at the time. I journeyed inward to support this and in a moment of release recognized that this is all part of the journey. Reclaiming my choice to be in front of the camera and share my journey was liberating and reminded me of the continuous cycle of life. I was only a week and a half into the project and somewhere an idea to STOP came in. This is why I am doing my GiveIt100 project, allowing me to share in the moment, to be present with the piece of me that wants to shine or shy away and to love the journey.

Here's a compilation of Week 2!

With Love, Jan

Week 1: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

In the last week I've posted 7, 10 second videos on GiveIt100.com, a new online platform for people who want to achieve something in their lives by sharing videos and offering support to others.

Here's a compilation of my videos:

One might ask why I'm doing this and I'll be it, sometimes I even wonder. And I'll allow for a space of the unknown to exist, there is something I'm certain of,  I'm pouring myself into this experience. Finding willingness, opportunities for growth and even forgiveness to become companions to me on my journey. 

For many years I've been more intentional about being a better friend; to provide empathy, support and even laughter, connecting with so many beautiful people. And while I've been healing old patterns and being offered second chances with relationships that were once tramped on, I realized that there was one relationship I wasn't being intentional with. I wondered if I could offer the same shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to and even a companion to laugh with, to myself. If I could find a way to be more loving, more open and truly empathetic to the pieces where I breathe most deeply and pause. 

My Day 2 video struck me the most. How easily I became discouraged at a .4+ weight gain. And even as others sent their support, me, inside of myself needed to discover this. So I sat beside myself and in the best way I could allowed for the waves of love to come in and support this piece.

Turns out, watching these videos has indeed offered me a way to begin practicing being a friend, to myself.

With Love, Jan

The Day Before Tomorrow

Tomorrow I begin my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, check out my vlog on why I'm doing this, what I'm excited about and what I hope to achieve.

In my Friday post, I shared my Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey which I originally wrote to provide to my support team. As I was writing it, I realized that while it was important to share with others, it was deeply important for me to connect with and breath into this journey. There are so many things that I'm excited about in this journey and a few pieces I know I'll need support on and I look forward to sharing all of it.