Fitting In

The Project Team

If I wanted to, I could list all of the reasons I wanted to be a part of this project team. The list would include my work experience, history and the fundamental belief I share for the power of the project. I had invested energy and time into even expressing my interest and when I did, I felt ready. I began envisioning the activities I'd support, the places I'd learn and the new connections I'd make. I did all of this, though what I hadn't pictured was the large number of potential candidates and the limited number of roles. And when it came time to filling these roles, I hadn't thought I wouldn't fill one of them.

Not Now

I felt unruly when I found out. My mind had been made up and was in a state of shock to think of not being a part of something I wanted. So when I crashed in - I found myself standing in the cavern of my favorite retreat, afraid of what "not fitting in" meant for me and my journey. I reached out, because it was something, I could do and my life coach appropriately "congratulated me" on not actually getting the role. Why? (not for the reason I initially thought,) rather, she saw, what I couldn't, perhaps this is a gift. Though last night I was still too confused to read the recommended enlightened posts she sent me. My thoughts were racing and I tried with my most authentic self to settle in. I ate a nourishing meal when I got home and moved my body to a Yoga Booty Ballet routine, yet the thoughts kept repeating. And as the tension built between me noticing what was going on and trying to ignore it, the belief that "I only know how to navigate with my feelings by eating" stepped forward. And even as I grabbed for the bag of Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips and headed to the couch, I paused and asked myself if this was the best choice.

Reflecting now, I see that it was the best choice I was able to make at that time. Aware and yet wanting to zone out, I found temporary relief from trying to figure things out. I wanted something from the chocolate - a calm, trust that I could indeed navigate with my thoughts and emotions. I wanted something from the act of eating - though the quick and zoned out approach didn't actually allow me to really ENJOY what I was eating. I wanted distraction - the movie I watched helped, but even that can only pull you in, until you realize there is something inside that wants your attention.

I didn't want to figure it out, heck, I didn't even want to be in it or with it. This new feeling was bringing up discomfort and now that I have a new lens through which I see myself, my journey and my world, I knew what it meant, I'd need to make a choice on what and how I support myself with Courage, Compassion and Authenticity. And even though I knew (deep down) that I was ready for this awakening to a new layer, I resisted. Though I see, after many navigation's of the self, back to the self, that while the story and details are different, the new layer isn't meant for me to suffer or feel pain, that's a choice I make in how I respond to it. Rather, it's meant for me to be in it, with it, love it and release it so that I may continue to grow, teach and become more of the authentic person I choose to be.

Perspective

Yesterday I chose avoidance and bitterness, though even that was significantly reduced from the amount of time I would have spent in that place before. Today I choose to write. To begin folding out the layers of the lesson and to see this with my new lens of compassion.

Ok, so yes, I wanted to be a part of something I believed in, yes, I hoped it would be so and yes, I was not selected. Yes, I chose to be angry, bitter, frustrated and sad. Though what I came to see, was that underneath it all, there was this part of me that just wanted to belong. And how by not being selected, I felt like I was the last kid picked for the kickball team (insert here all of the negative things I said about myself and the reasons why). How I thought now that I have transformed my body and "look more the part" maybe now, I will be accepted. And as my friend helped me process with this, she placed the mirror before me and I saw how at the heart of this lesson was my desire to fit in.

So it really wasn't about the project, the team or not being selected that had me in a tizzy. It wasn't even about the choice I made to indulge in chocolates and numb out with tv that had me upset. It was knowing that I had somehow placed my self-worth on whether or not I fit in to this group.

The End is the Beginning

And while I'd like to share all the lessons I've learned, it's still new and I trust with time, I'll gain more respect and come to see this lesson as a gift. Though before I get there, here, right now is where I am meant to be. Spending time understanding the layers of acceptance, self-worth and the external validation I look for, when here, in my heart, is all the validation I need to know I'm living my life with Courage, Compassion and Authenticity. 

With Love, Jan