My Improv Birthday & First Recital

Last month I wrote about my first few weeks with my intermediate improv class at Stevie Ray's. And there was a part of me that thought I was going to give in and give up and yet I stuck with it. Not because of the money or my pride, no, there was a deeper reason, I just needed to remember it.

There were a series of events that lead me to fall in love with improv and as I approached my 32nd birthday, I knew how I wanted to celebrate: An Improv Birthday Party.

Invitations were created by a beautiful blonde bombshell I know, who not only took ideas I had to create something so amazing, she also applied her quick wit to add lines like, "RSVP to sit at the cool kid table." I envisioned myself surrounded by friends and family, laughing until the muscles in our cheeks hurt. So yes, my 32nd birthday was laughed in with love.

Best part, I got to get up on stage with one my favorite people: Carl! He was my first instructor and because of his belief in me and willingness to laugh (even when it wasn't that funny) really allowed me to go forward and shine. So to be on stage with a full house, tables of cool kids and perform with Carl, it was like Christmas!

Intermediate Improv Recital

I was nervous! Yes, I get butterflies too. Though as the 16 of us improv students huddled in the green room, I set an intention: Have fun and put out love. The 60 minutes of showtime flew and being able to hear a room filled with laughter is uplifting and loving.

I'm grateful for the joy in which I feel while on the stage and in the classroom.

Re-Thinking Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday!

Each year of our 7 year marriage, my husband and I have hosted Thanksgiving. I love it because it is the start to the holiday season, spending time with family and friends, 4 day weekends (at least for me) and a day dedicated to gratitude expression - sign me up! Though there's one thing that makes this day even more special, yep - THE FOOD! And I LOVE planning out this grand meal, each year trying a new recipe or 2 and improving on my turkey basting skills.

The Thanksgiving Brunch

For the last 2 years our tradition has been a Thanksgiving Day Brunch and even with the excitement of my favorite meal approaching, last year wasn't easy when it came to meal planning. I'd been on my transformation with food for about 2 months, I was still adjusting to eating gluten-free, dairy-free (with the exception to goat cheese) and starting to step in to my healing. At that time, I didn't feel prepared to embark on transforming the entire Thanksgiving meal. So I made food I could enjoy, while making food I thought needed to be on the Thanksgiving table, because it's "always been there". Being the hostess, I thought I was accommodating, though really, I wore myself out trying to plan 2 types of meals, especially half of which I couldn't enjoy.

Re-Thinking Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I made food that supports my lifestyle. Allowing me to enjoy hostessing with ease, grateful that I am feeding my family well too. Making food that works for me and celebrates the creativity in trying new recipe and I share how I made a delicious and supportive meal.

The Turkey (a.k.a. "Turkey T")

Shepherd Song Farm's Turkey
(mine didn't actually turn out this way,
but it was delicious!)

As I began meal planning, I started with the headliner of Thanksgiving: The Turkey! As I was researching an option for a catered meal at work, I found this company: Shepherd Song Farm.

Our turkey came from a farm in Wisconsin that believes in providing a quality of life for the animals. While they primarily raise goats and sheep, during the holiday season they provide turkey's from Amish farms. I knew it was more expensive, yet I understood how important it was for me.
On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving we received "Turkey T" (as our family lovingly referred to him) on our doorstep, fresh (not frozen) and his organic, free-range, chemical, hormone and additive free lifestyle proved to be a tasty turkey experience. I would do this again!

Ode to Cranberry Jelly

I love Cranberry Jelly. Nostalgia brings forward Thanksgiving where the sweet, jiggly jelly sat on a pretty plate at the table. I've tried a few different recipes for Cranberry Relish, but it wasn't the same and I just prefer the smoothness of the jelly. I wanted it this year, though I chose after reading the ingredients from the store-bought canned version that it didn't align with my food choices. And suddenly I found myself buying fresh cranberries to make my own.

I read up on a few blogs. This one from Pick Your Own walked through all of the steps for making your own jelly (cranberry or otherwise). And while I didn't use the recipe, it helped with key steps.

This one from Food52 inspired the "jelly in a can" idea, though here again I converted the recipe.

Using Trader Joe's Pear Cinnamon Cider, pineapple juice, maple syrup, fresh cranberries and fruit pectin, the flavor of this jelly brought forward a new layer of earthiness and spice that I really enjoyed. I also discovered that making jelly, using my new food mill and giving them as gifts is really fun.

Stuffing Un-Done

When it comes to stuffing, again nostalgia brings forward the recipes that include bread crumbs, butter and giblets. Though since I haven't had bread in over 15 months and the alternative breads still have yeast (which I also avoid) I opted for a tasty Curried Wild Rice Stuffed Squash. These were a hit and no one even asked "where's the stuffing?"

I found this recipe from: Arielle Likes To Cook and here's how I modified it. I used acorn squash, rather than Kabocha Squash. Switched the pomegranate seeds for dried cranberries. And used date paste, rather than chopped dates. I also made my wild rice, boiled in organic vegetable broth the night before to make the process faster on Thanksgiving Day.

Pass the Bacon

Ok, I admit it, every so often I enjoy a crispy slice of bacon! Though I realized last year that my body responds negatively to cured bacon (and other cured meats). The sodium, nitrates and nitrites are just too much for my body, so what's a bacon lover to do? Trader Joe's has a tasty uncured bacon and while it has brown sugar and salt, it's an occasional treat that I feel better about eating.

Now how does one go about making bacon even tastier? On Pinterest I saw a bacon and egg bowl, intrigued I tried it out and the results were amazing.

I lined a cupcake pan with 1 strip of bacon per individual cupcake, cut in half. Baked in a 350 oven for 30 minutes, until crispy.

Egg & Bacon
I beat 3 eggs, some rice milk, sea salt and pepper and poured them into the crispy bacon bowls. In a few of the egg bowls, I added goat cheese for added flavor. Baked for 20 minutes.

Pancake & Bacon
I used a pancake mix that is my second choice for my from scratch pancakes, but I needed something a little quicker, so it worked. Once the mixture was complete, I poured the batter into the crispy bacon bowls. Baked for 20 minutes.

Dessert Please! 

I love all things miniature and when it comes to pies, I'm there too! I've tried a few different make-from-scratch gluten-free pie crusts, though haven't yet found one I love (if you have one, please share below). So in a pinch I tried the Glutino's Pie Crust and it was amazing! Of course, some day I hope to create my own, until then, this is perfect! I wanted treats that were gluten-free, dairy-free, refined sugar free and corn free. I found it in these little sweet bites.

Pecan Pie

I've always loved pecan pie! The top slightly crispy and when you reach the middle, it's a moist layer of sweetness and then there's the pie crust! One of pecan pie's main ingredients is corn syrup and since I choose other foods, I was in need of another inspired recipe. Right now I honestly can't remember which food blogger I used to help inspire these delicious treats, though I do have the recipe I used and will share soon! I recall boiling the maple syrup to become thicker and using vegan butter.

Pumpkin Pie
This takes second in my idea of great pies, though what is Thanksgiving without it? Here again, I honestly can't remember which food blogger I used to help inspire these treats, though I do have the recipe I used and will share soon!

I could have poured a little more batter in each, as this picture shows it came away from the side, though they were the perfect bite size treats!








I was thankful that I followed my heart, honored my body and enjoyed creating a delicious Thanksgiving Day Brunch for my family.

A Change in Perspective

Last Saturday I celebrated my 31st year of life

My 30th year of life was beautiful, challenging and amazing. I did things I only ever dreamed about and as I've become more intentional with my life purpose and healing, I find a willingness to listen and trust my intuition, all of which has allowed me to venture further into my journey of self-discovery. 

I began taking care of myself, ate foods that worked for me, chose to avoid foods that didn't and took supplements that provided me with additional nutrition. I found support with a holistic healthcare professional, Dr. Margaret and each of these pieces, allowed me to blog, explore my healing and transform 99 pounds of my body weight by my 1 year anniversary.

I've taken steps towards my healing and began building a foundation for growth. I've begun honoring my patterns, acknowledging memories and emotions that were set aside until I was ready to uncover, embrace and learn from them and began taking ownership of my process. I acknowledged the part of me that wanted to shine my light and in this realized that I do not need to fit into someone else's idea of who or what I need to be.

I began my journey somewhere. Was it 3 years ago in the Power of Purpose training course at work? Was it a year and a half ago when I began this blog? Was it a year ago when I began seeing Dr. Margaret? Or was it in a conversation with a dear friend this week? While I'm not certain of the exact moment, they all rocked me in to a space of acceptance. Allowing me to travel further into the sea of my own identify and away from the land of what I think I need to be for others to accept me.

At first, the little waves seemed devastating. Then I'd find strength from somewhere deep inside, courage to trust my path and I’d continue forward, moving away from the person I thought I had to be, closer towards the person I truly am. It was slow and steady, there were rays of sunshine and storms of dark. There were pieces I’d brought with me that needed to be lovingly let go and things that laid before me I need to face. It is my adventure, my self-discovery and only I could do the journey. I am the one who has to face the waves, who gets to bask in the rays and who truly knows what it feels like in the waves of infertility, family relationships and with my eating habits. It is up to me to do the work, learn the lessons and if I halt along the way, it is my opportunity to acknowledge it and love myself even more. 

As I move into my 31st year of living and loving and learning, I find trust and willingness are on my mind and in my heart. My spirit and physical self are eager to align and as I continue to trust my intuition, finding that the more often I make choices from this place, I shine a little brighter and feel a lot better. I'm on a healing path, I'm healing in the breaths I take, in the clicks of my computer keyboard and in this I am finding safety. I've began writing in to this healing space. And on my birthday made the connection that today is a rebirth of my journey. That all the work I've done, all the pieces I've integrated and all the parts I've begun healing, travel forward with me.

A New Healing Layer

There is something missing in the words I wrote earlier this week. A piece of my journey that was hidden, even from all of me, until I was ready to see its truth and was willing to be vulnerable into the space. And if I were not to write or blog in to this, I would be ignoring the beautiful lessons that came forward and the embrace of a new layer of healing. 

I've felt my journey leading me into approaching a new layer of healing, preparing me to go into a deeper level. I began noticing it in July and trusted that when I was ready I'd start receiving more signs. Introspection and a sense of cocooning became consuming and I knew at some point what was will need to fall away, in order for what will be to become what is. I'd need to recommit to my healing journey, deeper and with more trust than ever before. To reconnect with my intentions and that I'd begin to see why I’m taking the time and putting forth the energy to heal. I'd need to let go of certainty and trying to predict outcomes. And that my heroine (also known as the ego) would need to take a supporting role, rather than the lead. 

I couldn't articulate that when I first noticed it, it has taken months of writing, conversations, halts and prayer to acknowledge that I am working at a much deeper level than I'd ever been and all parts of me need time to embrace or fight to survive in this new layer. It’s an odd place to be - the limbo between all that has been - which seems long since forgotten and all that will be - which seems just out of arms reach. And somewhere in the middle, I sat, contemplating, trying to figure out what I really wanted. What was going on and why I was having such a hard time with this phase of my healing. 

I kept asking for signs from the universe about the next steps, hoping I’d be able to predict what was next, so that I could find safety. Once I began asking, I received many signs. The thing is I didn't think they were big enough and the part of me that was trying to resist this new layer, had me doubting that they were even real. So I'd disregarded them and then go, "hey, wait a second, where's my sign?!?"

Cocooned into the wants I have for my life and purpose, while old patterns and old self-identifies were fighting for survival. I struggled with the willingness to travel into the darkness to see the truth. I was trying to honor the new layer, while let go of the old patterns. And somewhere in the middle, I felt stuck.

 

The 2 Weeks

 

Somewhere between my 1 year anniversary and my birthday the idea of, "no one would know if I ate this or felt this way about that," crawled forward and rather than follow my intuition, I gave in. I didn't confess this to Dr. Margaret or even let my best cleanse friend know - both of whom I'd previously trusted with so much, especially around food. I see now that I couldn't have been honest with them, because I wasn't able to be honest with myself. My closet eating habits pulled me in and I found comfort at first and then shame. Food and eating wasn't giving me the same feelings I used to get, I was feeling bloated, though mostly, any emotion I had tried to stuff down didn't get stuffed down and I added guilt on top of that. Who was I really hurting in this? It wasn’t Dr. Margaret, or you, my family, friends and supporters. No, it was me and me alone.

So while all of this was going on, I kept asking for more signs, trying to sort through and write into that which was affecting me and my actions. And as time progressed, the signs grew larger in size.

When my husband and I travel, we like to experience new places and enjoy new food. Though, since I began my dietary changes, it has become less enjoyable and I feel much better if I know everything that is in the meal. For my birthday, we headed to Bayfield, WI and on the way, stopped in Duluth at Blackwoods (a restaurant that offers gluten-free food). As we were seated and browsed the menu, some options sounded great. Then I got a sign, this time louder than a whisper, my intuition, heart and body said, “Let’s have a supplemental shake tonight.” At first I struggled to accept it, I was here at a restaurant that could make something work for me. This time though I listened and I honored what I really wanted. I had a choice and made it. It wasn’t a “have to” or “should-be”, it was a “want to” and “need to”. It was the start to embracing the new healing layer.  

Wednesday

I weighted myself for the first time in 2 weeks. I’d been avoiding it, knowing that I had been eating too much. So when I got on the scale, the weight increase of 4 pounds reverberated to my soul. For the last year, I’d successfully maintained my weight or transformed at least 1.9 - 2.6 pounds a week. The increase was a physical manifestation that I'd been running from something and that this pattern wasn't working for me, it was working against me and my healthy lifestyle goals.

And just in case that sign wasn't enough, I received a flashing, neon lights, larger than life sign that simply couldn't be ignored. As I attended an offsite professional development meeting with my coworkers, I ordered a meal that was to be gluten-free and dairy-free. I set the little special meal card at my place setting and when the server brought over my food, I felt confident to enjoy the meal. The presentation was great, as well as the networking. As my coworkers and I were leaving, a mere 45 minutes since eating, I noticed that lights were too bright and the right side of my forehead began throbbing.

We made it back downtown and I noticed the pain was increasing. I started talking and noticed that my speech was slightly slurred, my eyesight was starting to blur and the sound of my heals on the granite floor was pounding in my ears. I was having a full on migraine attack - my form of an allergic reaction to gluten. I made it into the comfort of a dark room and thoughts began running through my head. It has been at least 8 months since I've had a migraine (compared to my usual 1-2 a week) and part of me forgot how painful they are. While the other part of me tried to power through it. I began a list in my head of all the things I needed to do, but they were just excuses. Then I felt it, “none of those things matter, you need to take care of yourself.” As tears streamed down my cheeks, I acknowledged this truth.

Somehow I made it back to my desk, rescheduled my meetings, let my boss know I needed to go home and headed home. I knew taking the train to my car was going to be too much, so I took a taxi. I arrived home safely and got sick, everything was expelled from my body. And as I stood in the shower, I felt the pain begin to slowly fade. I crawled in to bed, covered my head and wept. It was all I could do. My body was sending me a sign. And if there had been any shadow of a doubt of how important my dietary choices are, they were gone. I recommitted, stopped wavering and stopped worrying about me eating like a "normal person." I've seen how my body operates when I feel normal. Having a migraine, being sick and curling up is no longer my body's normal. Migraines are signs I’ve eaten gluten or nitrates. Stomach and digestive issues are signs I've eaten dairy. My sensitivities are real and in fact are my body's normal.

A Change In Perspective Came...

For a while (longer than I care to admit) I allowed my choices to be in the hands of others or outside of my ownership. After those sign, I trust that my ability to listen to myself and make the best choice for me is wisdom that I will and do learn from. I need to take care of myself and no one knows what is best for me, besides myself, my higher power, God and my angels. And when I ask for and receive signs, I'm going to do a better job of paying attention. And as I continue to explore and heal, I trust that each piece is meant to bring me closer to a piece of myself that deserves love.

I don’t know where this will lead me. Especially with baking. I enjoy baking gluten-free, dairy-free and refined sugar-free, though I also enjoy baking with traditional ingredients. I just don't eat the traditional ingredient items and for now, when I bake, I do not experience any reactions to the traditional ingredients.

There is no way that I could keep doing this if I wasn’t committed to my healing, but there is a part of me, (maybe my heroine (ego)?) that really doubted why I needed to. The part that brought me into my closet eating habits and pushed the boundaries of my healthy lifestyle choices. And that’s ok, I needed to go through it and I’m sure there will be more opportunities for me to recommit, to really claim and take care of myself. Because through all of this, through the pounds I’ve put on and the pounds I’ve transformed and the healing I've found, I was born to do this. To explore, to heal, to share, to blog and that my experience isn’t just about my relationship with food, it’s about my relationship with myself.

With loving intentions, Jan

"Some people are working on liking themselves well enough to allow healing. 

It can take time for them to achieve sufficient self-love." 

- Echo Bodine

Celebrating Happiness & Birthday Party

On September 22, 2013 I celebrated my 31st birthday (a few weeks early) and my 1 year anniversary with my dietary choices. 

It had been years since I hosted a party and honestly the last one I did I expected so many people, yet only 3 people came and I was a little nervous this could happen again. Through my past year of healing, I acknowledged this fear, while honoring my love for hostessing. Growing up, I was always throwing parties, whether they were birthdays, New Years, End of the School Year, my house was the spot and I loved doing it.

The Venue

I love the outdoors and the Thompson Park Pavilion in West St. Paul has a beautiful rental facility, park and pond. This was the perfect setting for this celebration.

The Decorations and Activities

While this party was in honor of me, I believe a good hostess creates memorable experiences. As I approached the activities, I wanted to support this in many ways.

Welcome Table Guest Sign In

I used the colors purple and orange. Purple represents the intuitive color in the aura, and reveals psychic power of attunement with self and supports transformation. Orange represents the beautiful fall colors, vibrant health and supports creativity. 

Make a Wish for the Birthday Girl.
I had pieces of paper with a "J" cut out for my name.
Guests used pens to write a wish and placed the wishes in the white container.
The white container is something I've had on display in my house for years, though it always sat empty.
Now it is filled with beautiful wishes for me.

 Take a Wish for Me to You
I had beautiful pieces of paper with inspirational affirmations hand written on them.
Each slip of paper had a different message.
I encouraged guests to take a deep breath, set their intention and select a slip of paper.
Trusting that this message inside was just for them.

Connecting Cards
I love to write and recognize how beautifully healing it can be.
Last year I did this activity and shared it here: Letter To Myself 
On this day, I encouraged guests to write a letter to themselves a year from now.
When finished they sealed the envelopes and placed it in the pink metal mailbox.
I still have the letters in there and when September 22, 2014 arrives, 
my guests will find their letters in their mailboxes. 

The Traveling Signs Table & Shutterfly Book
This honors my passion for inspirational signs.
As well as honoring my 1 year anniversary with my food transformation.
This book can be found in my earlier post:  Jan's Shutterfly Book 

Brunch
Purple and orange!

Brunch
We served pancakes, sausage, eggs and hash browns,
 all of the items we served were gluten-free and dairy-free options.
The rest of the food was brought in by guests as a potluck brunch.

Caramel Apple Bar
This was one of those treats that while I couldn't eat it, 
I enjoyed setting it up and seeing how others enjoyed their time with it.

Caramel Apple Bar
These are dessert glasses that have been in my family for generations. 
They made the perfect mini serving dishes for all of the caramel apple toppings.
Including a variety of crushed candies, cookies, nuts and sprinkles.

I had such a great day, seeing so many wonderful friends,
celebrating my 1 year anniversary and my 31st birthday!