When Self-Awareness Happens

In the last 4 and a half years, I've been given opportunities to heal, grow and transform. My journey has required courage to move through infertility, establish boundaries with family, transform the relationship with my body, accept the dissolution of my marriage and live in temporary separation from my home, my belongings and my sweet cat. I've been placed in continual transitions and it has been uncomfortable and challenging; it has also been rewarding and heart holding.

Image from:
 http://brenebrown.com/my-blog/page/2/

There are times when the movement through the 'stuff' is clear, the journey is accepted and I find myself landed in a new place of deeper love, acceptance and hope. Though the truth is, those pieces happen AFTER my 'rumble'. I didn't know what this part of the journey was called and as I've been reading Brené Brown's new book, Rising Strong, her words have enabled me to better understand the holding space. As my self-awareness is strengthened, I recognize the signs when it is time to own and move through a block.

With each block, my curiosity is peaked with the opportunity to heal. Energy, time and patience are needed to live wholeheartedly. Because the truth is, I want to be my best. Though, I need to reach a point of reconciliation that my best doesn't mean being 'perfect', having a 'final destination' or pushing myself too quickly through something. My best comes from making the best choices I can with the tools I have. To do the things that scare me, to take risks to reprogram old patterns and to trust myself to know I'm worth it.

I grew up denying my sensitivities, intuition and my ability to connect with the Divine because I didn't understand it. After scary experiences occurred, I closed off pieces of myself. Fear and self-protection created programs to prevent me from experiencing that pain again. Unfortunately, as I've grown, those programs continue to play out when I feel unsafe. So, when I'm in my 'rumble' and backed against the wall, the fear of the unknown creates anxiety and I'm not sure how I will make it through the next layer.


But, wait, remember that whole 'self-awareness' piece? Well, I'm starting to see the old programs for what they are and do my best to make choices to move beyond the power they hold. Rather than fear, I choose love; rather than doubt, I choose trust; rather than running, I see what happens when I stay with myself.

With each breath and tick of the clock; times moves me through the seasons of my life. So, while I may be in the 'rumble' phase with the next layer of my healing, I'm going to bring in self-awareness. Because the spiritual gifts of 'self-love', 'self-acceptance' and 'self-worth' happen more often when practiced. And by me saying, "I'm rumbling through this, not entirely clear on my direction or next steps, I'm going to trust that where I am, is where I am supposed to be and what is happening is happening for me." It's allowing me the opportunity to practice all of those things.

Cloud Cult recently released their new song 'No Hell' and it would seem their gift for understanding the spiritual warrior's journey was translated into music and arrived at a time when I needed to receive its gift.

"It's easy to be thankful for the things you've got. 

It takes guts to give thanks for the things you've lost"

So I honor the things that shaped me into who I am today. Because I know what the truth is.

I am writing this because I have worked through each of those previous experiences. 

I am having new and amazing experiences because of each of my changes. 

I am more loving and more compassionate, humbled and grateful.

I am more willing to be vulnerable and share what is behind the mask.

I enjoy spending time with my friends and family's children wholeheartedly. 

I am creating new relationships with my family. 

I am stronger and healthier than I've ever been. 

I am grateful for the relationship I had and the lessons learned.

I am now reunited with my cat, belongings and settling into a new home.

Each step required me to let go. 

Each step required courage. 

Each step asked me to be a better friend to myself than my negative mind talk was telling me to be. 

And each step asked me to trust the process and believe that I am worthy of love, peace and hope. 

With Love, Jan

I Thought I Needed A New Blog

A few weeks ago the idea for a new blog sparked enthusiasm. "Oh, what great adventures this new blog and I will have." A post saying farewell to this blog was created, as was a welcome post to my new blog. Confident I was traveling the best path for my journey, I shared my plans with my life coach. Everything was going fine until... (insert: dum, dum, dum sound bite). Energy shifted, questions drilled beyond the surface and I discovered something about myself.

Three years ago my blogging journey began here on the Inspiring Happiness Project and while I was unsure of what I would write or where I would grow, I knew this was the platform for something truly beautiful. It took me time to discover my voice, though as I wrote into the darkness, light was revealed. My blog became a sacred place of healing.

What this new blog had to offer was something different. I could stop being reminded of who I was. Stop being "the one" who worked hard to work through her "stuff". And people wouldn't know my past or all of the struggles I had. Simply put: I no longer wanted to wear the badges of courage I'd earned. They only reminded me of the pain I experienced with depression, anxiety, infertility and emotional eating. The self-made prison of shame held me captive and I'd grown tired of needing new tools to increase my happiness. I found fault in my humanness. I'd become so afraid of my realness that I wanted to shut it down and "be perfect".

And so today I write through those prisons. No longer holding myself, my gifts and my light hostage. It's in the vulnerablty to write and courage to share that a light shines brightly and the keys to let me out are found. And while my negative mind talk has me thinking I'll be "rejected, unloved and alone" by sharing that I need to work through shame, perfectionism and honoring my humanity, I've found something else. The truth is, I've been on the receiving end of compassion and love. And I like to believe it's because there are people out there, like me, who just want to know they will be embraced and loved for who they are, even when they are at their most human, beautifully messy selves.

The New Blog

While I'm sure my new blog would have brought me joy and met a need in my life, it wasn't really what I needed. Connection, honoring and embracing my humanness was. One day I'll write on that new blog and when I do, it will because I am ready to do so, not because I am running away from something.

So sweet girl, sweet blog, sweet readers, for now, this is where I choose to write, honoring my past, my patterns and my humanness with compassion and love. Because until I change myself and embody the richness of my life, my gifts, my journey and my humanity, no amount of blogs will fulfill my life.

So I return to my heartglow center with this blog where my intentions shine brightly. 

I want to inspire others to live in their authenticity

To live a passionately curious life.

To encourage growth in areas where one feels stuck. 

To learn new tools to be mindful, self-compassionate and self-loving.

To recognize when a comfort zone has stopped feeling comfortable and trust the process of stepping beyond it. 

To say, "hey, I'm human too. I get opportunities to choose how to respond to life triggers. And here's what I've discovered about myself along the way." 

I want to change someone's life in a positive and loving way. 

What I want... is to change and live mine! 

With Love, Jan Lynn

The Comfort Zone

The Collective We

For a moment allow me to write as the collective "we". While I usually avoid this writing format, it is offering me a sense of comfort (yes, I get the irony).

We LOVE our comfort zones. Their primary functions are to create safety, protection and provide us with certainty. Created by past experiences, we go through life and make decisions for our present life, from the perspective of the comfort zone.

Time goes on and then a Life Shock occurs. **Life shocks are moments that wake us up, encouraging us to grow** Suddenly, what used to work no longer does and we get the opportunity to see the Life Shock from another perspective and wisdom arises: we've outgrown the comfort zone.

The magic (not the truth) of the comfort zone is that we long for the way we used to feel. And because we are creatures of habit, we try to crawl back into the comfort zone. Often, we stay, in the uncomfortable comfort zone (yes, that's an oxymoron), even when it becomes painful.

Because

Who would want to change? 

Who wants to step beyond their comfort zones? 

Who knows they are worthy enough to embrace the process, create a new comfort zone, or better yet, live beyond them?

Here's where the healthy, perspective shifting discussion begins.

Who would choose to stay stuck?

Who would stay in a comfort zone that stopped being comfortable?

Why would we not want to discover MORE of who we are?

My Comfort Zones

Over the course of the last few years, I've faced many of my comfort zones and the work I've done has provided me with tools to live more authentically. In the process, I've discovered this amazing gift of my being; I love to learn, grow and share my experiences. Fortunately the Universe continues to provide me with opportunities to take leaps of faith.

Though I will admit, sometimes I don't see the leaps as opportunities, even though I know it is in my best interest. It isn't always easy to acclimate to the wisdom that stirs inside of me that knows, "it's time to grow." And in my vulnerable honesty, the process to shift my perspective takes time, energy and practice. What I do know about my process, is that with authentic support, nourishment and love, I navigate through the growth periods and come out stronger.

July 2012

My weight, body size and food choices used to be my primary comfort zones. They offered a form of protection, a temporary relief of pain and provided a distraction. The comfort zones were in place because of past experiences I was not yet ready to process through. When I began my body transformation in September of 2012, I faced my comfort zones again, and again, and again. Because food is essential to living, every meal became an opportunity for me to choose nourishment and connection, over frustration and avoidance. Naturally, as the layers of the healing process began, my comfort zones stopped working and started hurting. What I needed was to wholeheartedly believe that by stepping beyond my comfort zones, I'd discover a better way to live.

The Perspective Shift

April 2015
The Perspective Shift

I've become familiar with my growth process and can feel a new layer rise to wake me up. With this awareness, I asked for support and received a new teacher in my life. With full heartfelt gratitude, I honor the connection that began as I began working with Aaron, my life coach.

The Universe presented the teacher that would compliment my strengths, encourage my growth and would help me to live in abundance. I've flourished, discovered and harnessed new ways of living because of the work we engage in. And what I love, respect and sometimes get frustrated with (though, again, that is what I like about the process) is that I am challenged to see my comfort zones for what they are, to tell the truth and step outside of them to grow. Depending on how honest and willing I am to ask for support, the lesson learning and time of growth can be seen in one of two ways:

Is this experience happening TO me?

Or 

Is this experience happening FOR me? 

Regardless of how I choose to see it (albeit the first feels limited, icky, dark and deep, while the second feels bountiful, bright and makes my heartglow) my life coach is there to help me work through each phase, shift the perspective and make choices that align with my authenticity.

If I've learned anything from my body transformation, the growth process is filled with surprises, takes time, energy and most of all requires PATIENCE. So as I continue forward, courage, compassion and honesty surround my intention to live in my authenticity.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.lovethispic.com/image/48988/you-make-mistakes

With Love, Jan

The Big Climb

21 Days Until...

A few weeks ago I was climbing the stairwell in my work building and after reaching the 5th flight of stairs I was grateful to badge in on my desired floor. Upon exiting the stairwell, with winded breath, I said, "I'm glad I don't 'have to' do the Big Climb." 

Well, if you've been following me on Facebook, you know that I am actually doing the Big Climb on April 18th. That I've committed to climbing 48 flights of stairs and raising money for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. That I reached my financial goal week 1 (of course, more is always welcome). That a team has been created called The Capellavators (said with an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent). That I've been attending a weekly work out specifically geared to condition our bodies for the climb. And that I've met some amazing people through the process. 

None of those things would have been possible had I let that initial thought on the stairs stay with me. Had I lived in a "have to" world, rather than a "choose to" world. And that by making another choice, I was able to live beyond my comfort zone and try something new.

Because I practice and focus on living a holistic life, I see this Big Climb as yet another opportunity for me to challenge myself and grow. Even though I joined LifeTime Fitness in early January, climbing 48 flights of stairs takes my fitness, stamina and drive to a whole new level. I've stayed focused in the present moment and haven't worried about (well, ok, maybe a few times) "how am I going to make it up all 48 flights?"  I've focused on knowing I will make it one step at a time. 

Someone shared how blood cancer has affected their life and how grateful they were that I was doing this. It became clear to me that this climb wasn't just about challenging myself in a new way, it was about connecting even more deeply with the purpose. That these connections would keep me moving forward on the stairs, when my body and mind may want to stop. Connecting my heart in the process only furthers on the abundance in which I view my own life and now get to make a difference in someone else's. 

If you want to donate to support me and the The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society,Donate here: http://www.llswa.org/site/TR/Events/MNBigClimb?px=1737109&pg=personal&fr_id=1491

Meeting Pat with The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society

I mentioned the amazing people I've met and conversations I've had that NEVER would have happened had I stopped myself from saying "Yes" and showing up.

Yesterday I had the honor of meeting Pat Gail with The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Our souls danced together in a brilliant light, truly, words can only skim the surface on how amazing it was to connect with her. She's out there making a difference by the work that she does with passion and authenticity and that inspired me to keep shining and doing my work.

I also made a new friend in the process and honestly, this is the way in which our friendship was meant to be founded. I remember when we were both considering doing the climb. We both knew somewhere beyond all the doubts that we were meant to do this climb. We both wanted an accountability partner and as it turns out we found friends too. Her determination and enthusiasm to make this experience rewarding has been yet another beautiful gift I am only too happy (and grateful) to receive. 

So, here I go, prepared in many ways for what lies ahead in the next 21 days and also completely trusting that exciting and new experiences will happen along the way and I'll take each One Step At a Time!

With Love, Jan 

The 1st 2015 Blog Post

It's Been A While

During the flurry of the holiday season, I felt an overwhelming amount of my own emotional space. Though an experience happened that had I not taken notice, I would have missed out on the gifts. In the subtle beauty, the experience brought forward introspection worthy of being the first blog of 2015 and the first blog post in months.

My Soul Sisters' Birthday

It felt like a regular day to me, though for her, it was a very special day. She was honoring the date of her birth and unfortunately, this very special day, slid past my awareness. My own 'tunnel vision' was holding me in a space where I couldn't see beyond. Now, it wasn't as though I committed a crime and I know I've experienced my fair share of belated birthday wishes, though that wasn't the issue. The heart of the matter left me unsettled and I chose to ask, "what can I learn from this?"

What Am I Focusing On?

Turns out I was missing other moments of pure beauty because of where my focus was. Rather than seeing the abundance, I saw the lack. Rather than experience the gratitude of the present moments, I was experiencing pain from the past or anxiety of the future and I was suffering. It was so evident, that I just assumed it was the only way I could show up to my life. I couldn't see beyond myself or the circumstances to a place of awareness, wisdom and clarity.

Within a few days, the settling (or unsettling) rocked me gently and answers surfaced. I saw the situation for what it was and made choices to stop ignoring the negative feelings. I felt beyond them and became willing to make choices from a space of awareness. First on the list was to wish a belated birthday to my soul sister and genuinely apologize for the lapse of time. In the graciousness of our connection, both were received with care. It's worth noting that, in the past I would have overcompensated with apologies. As it turned out, just one meant more than numerous apologies ever could. I also would have remained upset with myself and carried the weight around until I felt the punishment was over. Though this time, I found self-compassion and that was a gift.

Wake Up

This missed birthday was the catalyst for me to wake up from my own personal holiday flurry to the rest of my life. To once again honor the connections most cherished in my world. By being willing to ask,"what can I learn from this experience?" and listen for the answers, an opportunity for growth occurred.

There is so much life to experience and I wasn't focusing my energy within the space of abundance. It was as if I'd been driving a vehicle with a windshield covered with debris, that I couldn't possibly see beyond it. Though in the willingness to learn, the debris was cleared.

While I cannot control what happens in the external world, what I can do is approach my feelings and thoughts with compassion and care. Make choices to focus on the abundance, rather than lack and to continue clearing away the debris to journey forward.

2015 Vision Board

With this new focus and a relief from the tunnel vision of suffering, something shifted. I learned a lesson and discovered that the more often I shift the focus of my life to abundance, I find it. This is something I'm actively engaging in and am enthusiastic to continue to experience the beauty of life.

In the momentum of focus shifting, I share my 2015 Vision Board. Resolutions aren't my thing, so for the past three years I've created a vision board and selected a word for the year. My intention for 2015 is: Love, because I choose love to surround me. 

Love for myself and my self worth. 

Love for my continued journey of growth and discovery. 

Love for the amazing connections to friends and family who inspire, care and challenge me to live my full potential as a joyous and productive person. 

And love for discovering new connections and experiences that are nourishing, inspiring and authentic.

Vision Board 2015:
"I am a woman on a mission to claim my birthright."

Vision Board 2015:
Vitality, Energy, Optimism, Enthusiasm, Confidence, Connection, Hope and Love

Vision Board 2015:
The Be's

Vision Board 2015:
Love at the center and surrounding it all

Vision Board 2015:
Be Bright, Be Beautiful, Be Bountiful, Be Blissful, Be Loved!

What intentions have you set?
Is there a word that can surround the life experiences you want to create this year?

Check out my 2014 Vision Board where The Year of Support held true as my intention for the year.

With Love, Jan

The Upcoming Anniversary

Before work world calls me back

Words pour out my finger tips

It's been 2 years on Sunday

An anniversary of...

Life, body, healing
Transformation

September 21, 2012
The day I recognized and seized the moment that transformed my life forever

While "everything" didn't change, so very many things did

How many moons I've seen

And sunrises experienced since that day

Minutes of time pass, leading into days and weeks
Finding it now to be months and years

How often I thought "I'd never make it" to the next day
Not holding strong, barely holding on
Some days met with ease
Others where I really had to spend time to see

 

Stepping into uncharted territory

The navigation set before me

And yet, I didn't know where I was going
No outcome was predictable in that present vantage point

Trust of radical space
And yet I leaped in

There were lights shining the way

Though only a few feet in front

Enough to feel safe

Yet not enough to know where I'd end up

I still find myself trying to see beyond

To see past the light, where the shadow lies

Though it simply isn't possible

 

Place a wish in a jar

A kiss on a star

Connect to the Universe
The "something bigger than me"
Where gratitude and grace reside

On that day
My life could no longer be lived in an ordinary way
Not any more

Trust remains at the heart of my exploratory journey

To be in trust

With trust

And appreciate when trust surrounds a connection

 

I think of my Grandma E

How her poetry and journals now sit on my dining room table

And in her memory, I share two of the poems she wrote

Janet 1

Janet, your grandmother sends you love

You are truly a gift from heaven above

On October 5, 1982, you were born

At 1:17 in the wee hours of the morn

Janet 2

I'm quite lonesome for lively little Janet

I see her clearly in the eye of my mind

Questioning forehead, questioning eyes

Active legs, active arms

She smiles and everybody is charmed

Sweet baby smell, I sniff

Thank you for her, a blessed gift.

With Love, Jan

The Tatu: Love This

Purple ink

Engraved into skin

A mark of a journey

Today, it may be a little bruised

But aren't we all a little bruised sometimes?

 

Sensitive

Of course it is

Near the heart

Facing in

Where the beautiful reminder will shine

 

When I look down

I smile

Because I do, indeed

Love This 

Soul-surfacing: A tatu to honor my healing journey. 

A few months ago I struggled to accept my arms (more like the extra skin that is now present from the body transformation I've been on). I would ramble off hurtful things and one day I thought, "maybe  there's another way?" so rather than saying the hurtful, shameful things, I started saying "Love This." 

Time went on and I started writing this phrase on the inner part of my left arm and other parts of my body where I was holding shame and guilt. It's taken time, but today my arm was forever changed, symbolizing the beauty I've now found in my arm.

The last time my arm looked like this.



The Consultation:
Inner, Upper Left Arm - here's where the beautiful strength lies.



Receiving the news from Kore: "the upper, inner arm is the second most sensitive spot on the body."
(for a second, I thought "don't do it"...)

 

And then I remember how much this meant to me.

We're going for it!

A breath and pause for a moment of reflection.

This is getting real.

It's time!!!

Stand here for disenfecting: and so I stood.

Tatu me up Kore!

After the outline was done, I needed a little breather, some water and cold compress.
There was so much healing happening.

Yep... it's tender!

I do, indeed, "Love This"

We went for a dark purple, the color of people seeking spiritual fulfillment and in this journey, I've found much.

A picture, of a picture, of "Love This"
Thanks to my amazing friend for capturing the many moments of this journey.

Thank you, Tatu's By Kore' for the truly beautiful tatu and healing experience.

Ask Me Why I Do This

Any good story has a beginning, middle and end. A reader is brought onto a winding path, discovering a new world and arriving at a place of satisfaction, hopefully uncovering something that will forever change their lives. Writing blogs is the same for me. I start somewhere, a passing thought or nagging nail, and I write. Trying to uncover the essence of a moment in time and if I find myself with the proverbial case of "writer's block" instead of pushing through it, the words are set to simmer in my draft folder. How does one tell the story of how all the stars aligned to make something wonderful happen? Well, I may not know, but I'm going to try and tell my improv story.

The Impov Idea

In December of 2013, I had the pleasure of hearing Stevie Ray present at a professional development organization meeting. His presence, joy and humor registered with me and I soon found myself enjoying a show at Stevie Ray's Comedy Cabaret at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater. After an evening of laughter, a dance began, "I wonder if I could do improv?" Arriving home, I checked out their website and saw the price for an 8-week class. My mind quickly attached a "that's too expensive" label and so my improv days were over before they even began. Time passed, until one day as I was leafing through the Community Ed Classes I found an "Improv for Everyone" 4-week class. Without even checking to see if the dates worked for my schedule, I registered and so my improv passion was re-ignited.

Within the 4 weeks our instructor Carl taught us the improv rules, the "Yes, And!" "Trust yourself and others" and "Be Present" and somewhere within the first class, I realized improv held secrets of life living. I began noticing how much fun I was having and that the love of laughter was essential for the next phase of my journey. Promising that wherever it leads me, I'd make space for it. As an extra bonus, I found out how grown-ups make friends outside of work; they find people that have similar interests. Making two new friends was icing on the proverbial cake and I'm truly grateful for their light, laughter and willingness to be present.

Intermediate Class

An Intermediate Class became available and I thought, "do I want to do this again?"  While in a hot yoga class in Duluth, I leaned in and saw how important taking this class would be for me - so I signed up. This time the cost wasn't a roadblock, because I was in a place to receive improv's gift. Best thing, both of my friends signed up too!

After the first course ended and before the second began, I came up with all these things about what improv "should be". I actually started telling people "I wasn't taking an improv class to be funny" (Head scratcher that one is?!?). Ego came in and the desire to prove something stepped forward. My brain was off creating stories and was determined to "do it right." I brought all of this and my anxiety to the first class, the sucker punch is I didn't "know" this. Unfortunately for my class, they got to see it all. Fortunately for me, so did I.

The Bermuda Improv Triangle

Then it happened, Day 1, Scene 2: The Bermuda Improv Triangle. As another classmate and I stepped into a scene, we zeroed in on "what" we were doing, rather than "who" we were to each other (an essential part to improv). I found myself getting stuck and soon trust slid quickly past me. (My brain rambled off a multitude of mean and disheartening thoughts that I won't even type. *Imagine all the worst things you say about yourself, then picture them racing through your mind and then find yourself still on stage.*) Trust in others was my next option and yet I was trying to not look like what I feared, "stupid." And even though this scene work was about being able to bring in an off-stage helper, I just couldn't do it.

I wanted to run, but my feet wouldn't move. So I pressed my knees into the stage and tried yet again to do something, I could feel the tears welling up. A stern voice came in, "keep it together, Jan. No one cries in improv." and somehow I made it through without tears. What I didn't make it through was not appearing vulnerable or afraid. I literally hit my improv rock bottom and when the moment to be present for myself came in and I saw all the hurt, the challenges and the fear; I made a choice and bolted, not off the stage, but away from the beautiful vulnerability, away from me.

Even as my improv friends and I decompressed in the parking lot under a star filled sky, I couldn't face it, it was too raw and I needed time. Something didn't sit right with me and yet, I was too close to it to provide any sort of healthy perspective. Somehow I hoped I could just "pretend" that it didn't happen. Yet, sure enough as the as the second class approached, I wasn't ready to face it either.

Improv Is Meant To Be Fun

Kind words from my improv friends, introspection and a week off from improv class, allowed me to create a space of exploration. So I got reflective last week and when I started unraveling all the pieces, I asked for help. 

I knew improv would rock me out of my comfort zone, that gentle nurturing would be needed and that I would learn something new. It turns out I forgot this while I was in my beautiful vulnerability on stage. At the heart of this lesson, I was afraid of looking vulnerable, too afraid or too stubborn to ask for help from scene mates and angry that I wasn't "doing it right."

 

The Catalyst

 

One of the perks of being an improv student is getting to attend Friday night shows to observe, intake and laugh. Last Friday, my improv friends and I took our seats in the theater and as the show began, out came Stevie Ray (the creator of the company and the man who inspired my improv journey). As he led the troupe in sublime improv, I found all sorts of sparks of inspiration dancing within me. 

Being able to reconnect with our first instructor Carl was filled with merriment and gratitude. Then Stevie Ray came over and our conversation opened another door into my improv passion. He began sharing his philosophy and that the classes aren't just for people who want to do improv, but for those who want to think quickly on their feet, increase confidence and like to laugh. The conversation continued on and while I don't remember the exact words, what I do remember is feeling a beautiful shift within me. He spoke about childhood play and how easy it was then to just be a character and the next second be someone completly different. It didn't matter what you were or where you were, it was HOW you showed up.

This conversation became an essential catalyst for me to connect back into WHY I was in improv. Turns out I'd been making improv "work" and couldn't seem to shake the negative thoughts I'd experienced on the first day of intermediate class. I was stopping myself from experiencing improv at its essential form and in this brief, yet meaningful conversation, I reconnected back into why I do this, why I love improv and why it's so important to me. So go ahead, ask me why I do this.

With Love, Jan

Pride & Joy

Changes

Over the course of the last few years, my life has changed, I've changed. Who I once was, how I saw the world and what I bring forward has transformed. Intention setting, writing, blogging and holding the pieces of my heart have created more healing and ultimately, more happiness. By being present, introspective and aware, I've been able to play witness to growth. Sometimes the growth came out of a painful place, a place where deep healing work was needed to cultivate the life change. Other times it was in the sound of a cricket, the flapping of a birds wings or the babble of a creek that brought forward the space of love.

Most recently I've become more in tune with HOW my healing journey is nurtured. Sure, I'd make space for it, because I thought I "had to" and while that worked for a while, the struggle to align had a heaviness to it. A shift occurred as I began working with Maggie - her nurturing presence allowed me to mirror this for myself. To trust that within me there is a loving, compassionate and authentic place I too can learn how to do this. As time goes on, I continue to receive areas where more light, more love and more truth can come in. It may not always be easy and it's in the letting in, even after hours, days or months of struggle, I find out something new about myself.

Minnesota State Fair

Many of my recent blogs (OK, for the better part of the past 23 months?!?) I've focused on my body
transformation, batch cooking and lovely nourishment received when I feed my body what it needs. What I haven't talked about, at least not here, is my love for baking. It's my craft, my hobby, one of my places of happy and it also feeds my life. From the most traditional recipe (hello, gluten/wheat, dairy and refined sugar, which I choose to not eat) to some fantastic Paleo recipe (which I lovingly enjoy eating) - I just love baking. It brings me joy and in the alignment of doing what I love, I can still be found whipping up something sweet in my kitchen.

Since this blog is all about finding the happy. It's time to talk about my other blog - that baking adventures I enjoy here: OneMainIngredient.blogspot.com. I'm choosing to take the focus from WHAT I make, to HOW it is made... with love.

Recently, I had the exciting opportunity to enter my Cake Pops into the Minnesota State Fair Competition and here's my blog post: http://onemainingredient.blogspot.com/2014/08/mn-state-fair-competition.html. This was more than a competition or some dazzling display that captured the essence of the State Fair, no, it was so much more than that, it was an opportunity for me to learn, heal and grow.

There were moments as I was baking I could feel my arms shaking and times when the anticipation of the outcome overrode my enjoyment of being present. Even as I handed in my beautiful baked goodies, I found myself flooded with anxiety and joy, all at once. Fortunately, the friend, (one of the best actually), stood beside me, acknowledged where I was at and allowed for nurturing compassion to come in.

Yes, I'm proud of my win! Grateful I found the courage to continue on with it (even when I tried to talk myself out of it). Though mostly, my heart knows this was essential to bring me forward into a new space of growth. And just because I don't know where it's going, what the end result will be or how I'll be changed, I know that by showing up, being present and saying yes, I'll wind up where I am meant to be.

With Love, Jan

The Weigh In

23rd Month

Anniversary celebrations are a loving way for me to connect in and reflect on the intentions of my healing journey. On the eve of my 23rd Month Anniversary with my food/body/life transformation, I see where healing has occurred and find myself awakened to new areas of exploration. This little life of my has wanted to shine and in the 'doing', I find that the 'being' brings forward the authenticity of nurturing vulnerability. Like a deep sea diver hunting for buried treasure, I too find myself unearthing beautiful gems; parts of my soul that are ready to shine and be shown to the world.

As I make my way towards my 2 year anniversary, I feel the healing breathe return to acknowledge and honor my past, making space for reflection. In the spirit of reconnection, I find myself willing to journey in. Last year at this time I wrote: Let Me Tell You About This Gal. Part of me likes it because my story is there, the waves I struggled with, the pieces of my heart that were found and the hope (and trust) it took to get me where I was. Though mostly, I liked reconnecting with my past, pinning it to the earth and allowing it to be what it was.

The Weigh In

On February 26, the second day of my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, I filmed myself weighing in and observed the devastation that ran across my face for having gained 0.4 pounds. And I realized that stepping on the scale had become a measure of my success. One way or another I'd come out with a black or white reaction to what that number was: "good" for having dropped weight or "bad" for having gained weight. Yet, in the observation of the video, something happened; I recognized a more loving way to honor my journey.

Stepping away brought up fear and doubt, how would I measure my success or know if I needed to reset my eating habits without this number? The first week was hard and then the next a bit easier, until time passed and the shift occurred. The power was taken away from the number and the energy I once poured into getting the "right" number was focused into noticing HOW my body felt. If I felt uncomfortable in clothing, I took notice with compassion. Stepping away from the scale was one of the healthiest choices made within my body transformation and I am grateful I did it.

As time went on, the ease with the unknown came in. The number stopped defining me and noticing how my body felt was liberating. I made the choice to hold myself accountable to how I want to feel. So to my surprise, earlier last week just before bed, I had a vision of myself stepping on the Wii Fit board and weighing in. This time rather than judging the indication of my body's mass; love and compassion surrounded the space. Laying my head down to rest, I allowed this vision to settle in beside me. Upon waking, support blossomed and trust allowed me to see my weight as a number; a data point. 

I AM PROUD

Feeling of excitement and anxiousness stepped forward and before I placed my feet on the board, I breathed in deeply and gave myself a hug. 

 
It had been 166 days since my last weigh in and in humble gratitude, I found the support and trust there within myself to acknowledge the registered number. I have transformed additional weight since the last weigh in and now find myself 111 pounds lighter. As I send gratitude for the journey, for the support and encouragement and for the trust within to honor what comes forward. The signals my body sends me, the comfort (or discomfort) are taken care of with healthy nourishment and I listen; creating metabolism that thrives with greens, protein and healthy fats. 

I AM PROUD! Proud of the way my body has let me know what it needs. Proud of the nurturing care I've provided it. Proud that as the waves came in or rolled out, I kept swimming, trusting that I hadn't come this far to fall off the earth, rather to become stronger, to shine and to thrive.

With Love, Jan

Returning to the Mat

Time Away

It's been some time since the squishy, blue yoga mat, bought a year and a half ago was rolled onto my living room floor. Time passed by quickly and if you looked closely a tiny bit of dust gathered on its rolled up surface. I kept trying to use it, yet I wasn't really READY  |  WILLING  |  WANTING. There were many thoughts about why I "should" exercise and in some attempt to shift the energy I even wrote a blog post about it. Though you won't find it here, it sits as a draft, written, yet unpublished.

In the last few months I've waded through my options, finding ease with the discomfort of the unknown. Uncovering that there was a BIG story I kept telling myself and it was written on the last day I joyfully practiced Yoga Booty Ballet in the summer of 2013. And this story became my excuse to not move my body PERIOD.


Picture provided by
http://evolveyogawellness.com/

Hot Yoga

In meditation space, clarity and compassion came forward, releasing the hold of the story, seeing it for what it was. In travels to Duluth, a dear family member asked if I wanted to attend a 90-minute Hot Yoga class at Evolve Duluth with them. While my brain rambled off numerous reasons why I "just couldn't do that," deeper in, the seedling of desire was discovered.

In the renovated basement with exposed stone walls of the 1889's old City Hall building, ease came in. As our instructor Tiffany led us into our first breath of the class, the flower bloomed with love. Expansiveness was found as self-reflection into the mat providing a mirror. My body spoke in silence and as sweat mixed with tears, release was found. Messages flooded in, received in my heart center and gratitude surrounded the moment. With clarify and articulation, the message to be a Wellness Warrior took root.

With Love, Jan

The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

The Journey of Nourishment

Can a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really transform someone?
On February 25th I began a new journey for my healing transformation. In 100 Days I planned to nourish myself. It wasn't only all about the food (though sometimes it was) or about what or how I ate. Nourishment has layers and what I truly wanted was to feed my soul. When I decided to dedicate 100 days to do this, courage and trust became essential. GiveIt100.com (a social media platform where other like-minded individuals wanted to learn something in 100 days too) played landscape to my journey.  A place where it's foundation of support offered a way to document the healing work I was doing. Diving in, a deep sense of knowing came forward, I knew how important this tool would be to helping me grow the garden of my heart.

Where I Began

It started off; the way most journeys of the self, back to the self, begin. I was unsure of the final destination, didn't know what I would "have" to do or what I would "have" to give up. An element of trust was needed and a deep belief arose and I knew that at the conclusion of the 100 days, I'd arrive exactly where I was meant to be and that I would learn something about myself, no matter what. What I discovered along the way, is that in the creating, editing and sharing of my videos; my ability to be loving, gentle and compassionate with myself grew.

In my work world, my organizational skills are always by my side and a good check list never far behind. So I applied this concept to this project; if I was going to pour time, energy and love into this, I wanted to understand my purpose. I wrote about my intentions with this journey Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey.

Incorporating beautiful "real" foods was one piece. In the 16 months prior to February 25, I'd been on a cleanse (yes, a 16 month cleanse). My body celebrated joyously with the elimination of gluten, dairy and refined sugars. And as I  honored my body, I discovered a life of less pain. I began transforming weight (100+ pounds on my last weigh-in in February), no more stomach issues, no more migraines and my body began menstruating without the assistance of any prescription medications. The use of supplemental shakes for 2 meal replacements helped me get there, though something shifted around the holidays (I know what it is, I'm just not able to write in there yet). Though in this shift, I noticed that familiar place I return to when I finish one leg of the journey and am just on the verge of embracing another. I arrive and an old familiar thought comes in, "ok, you can stop here. You've done so much. Healed, learned and feel so much better, honestly, isn't this far enough?" Thankfully through meditation, awareness and compassion, I knew what was happening, so I took my time and discovered that a new piece of my heart wanted to be honored and the desire to nourish resonated within my soul.

Being Ready

The idea of being "ready" often brushes up against different parts of me in uncomfortable ways. 
Were my life, soul and heart truly "ready" for this journey?
YES! (sang with a resounding heart glow)
Was my mind or the pieces that were use to staying in the darkness "ready"?
Um, no, not really! (uttered under the breath, trying not be noticed)
So it took a lot of courage (and self-compassion) to notice both and honor what is truly best for me.

Reaching out to receive support was essential and Maggie Christopher, my holistic nutrition counselor, arrived into my life when I was ready. Amazingly enough I'd kept her business card for 3 years and as I was cleaning in the dark of winter, her card was found with a light of hope. My soul knew Maggie would help me find the keys I needed for my journey of nourishment. Partnering together in a sacred space, with the support she provided and my willingness to lean in, I discovered growth, compassion and healing when doors were opened with keys of love.

When I began incorporating real foods, first for my lunches and then 2 weeks later for breakfast, I needed to make space for my fears of and with food. Patience and time sat beside me as I navigated where I could. And in the last few months, I now claim the title of a fearless food prepper (give me an organized shopping trip Thursday/Friday with batch cooking on Sunday and I'm happy & set for the week.) And while the shakes are still here, they live in the "every so often" category, rather than a staple meal.

Reaching Day 100

So when I look back, yes, a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really can transform someone. As I reached my final 100th day on June 5th, I needed time to write this blog post. And while I was celebrating with friends and family, it seemed inauthentic for me to "write, just to write". So I created space for the silence, to allow for the time away from this blog to be a time of reflection and honoring.

And while I may not have crossed everything off from my check list, what I "thought" was going to be important, was minor compared to what stepped forward when I honored my intuition. I trusted someone new (again, thank you, Maggie), used a new tool (thank you, GiveIt100.com) and found myself creating an authentic relationship with food, my body and myself. Being present in and with the experience, I discovered my ability to be compassionate and courageous. To see the old patterns for what they are, honor them and release them with love. Because the truth is; they no longer fit me or the life I want to live.

Those little 10-second videos may only have shown snip-its of what was happening, though in the process they are my tribute to the journey I am on and I am grateful. Transformation, mindfulness and self-compassion didn't happen to me in one 10-second video, it was in a series acts of being engaged, intentional and creating what I wanted. Sometimes this meant sharing when I didn't "think" I could and honoring the little voice inside of me that said, "Give It A Try"

With Love, Jan