The Anniversary Letter

Since 2013, on each of my September 21 anniversaries, I've written a letter to myself, sealed it and waited until the following year to read it. Set in nature and always near water, the woman I was, meets the woman I've become and together discover something new. After reading the letter, I write another for the me a year from now. This yearly act is loving and sacred.

When I made the commitment to change my relationship with my food and health on September 21, 2012, a leap of faith was needed. My health issues were limiting and weighing over 300 pounds had me wishing to feel better. I wanted more energy; more passion; more life.



As I discovered my food sensitivities with gluten, dairy, grains and sugar, I made the decision to quit them cold turkey. I was determined, though as the cravings grew with intensity and as the flu-like symptoms indicated my body was detoxing, I was unsure if I'd made the best decision. If I had a bad day, I wanted fast-food. If it was time to celebrate, I wanted delicious food. Those knee-jerk reactions needed to be reprogrammed and addressing my emotions was essential for healing. Food stopped being able to cover over or push things down and I was faced with healing past traumas.



By my 1 year anniversary, I transformed nearly 100 pounds and couldn't believe it. And yet, the pictures are the most immediate proof that it actually happened. This change took work, time and energy and it was all worth it.

On my 1 year anniversary, I wrote the first letter to myself and saved it until I reached my 2nd anniversary. That next year of my journey, more layers were healed with my health and body transformation. My love for cooking highlighted the gifts of food and working with a new guiding light, ignited my journey. On that 2nd anniversary, I read my first letter. I was shaken. My letter was filled with prayers to have a child, though having a child was the furthest thing from my mind.

So today, as I read through the letter I wrote a year ago, it flooded back to me what was on my heart and mind in 2014. There was a place of insight in my letter, I knew my primary relationship needed attention and I prayed for healing and for answers to unfold. I felt lost, unsure and afraid. I didn't know that in only a few weeks, the decision to file amicalbly and non-contested for divorce would be made.



Compassion was key as I met who I was then and who I am now. It's been a year filled with significant changes; where I live, who I live with and my routine, shifted. My primary relationship ended, my marital status changed and so did my name. I found more support systems. Discovered the deep roots my friendships had and the remarkable way friends took me in and helped me out when I wasn't able to articulate more than the grieving process I was in. Joining a gym, trying new body challenges and working out on a regular basis became an outlet that helped put me at ease. I began working with a life coach, found the strength to move through life and discovered more of who I authentically am. I was getting the chance to start a new chapter of my life.

While I stayed close to my healthy food choices and weekly food prep, my old pattern to crave comfort (and consistency) had me turning to food in the midst of change. I was no longer asking my food to provide nourishment, I was asking it to meet my emotional needs as well.

So on this anniversary, I return to connecting with myself and talk gently to the part of me that is scared. To stop asking food to fill a void or stuff things down and to trust the process of change. I know making this shift will allow me to show up as I am meant to.



I need to share that I had a good amount of shame around this topic. Admitting that I'd let the foods back into my life that were harmful (even in small doses) is uncomfortable. I'd worked so hard and I felt like I'd failed myself and anyone who has been inspired by my dedication to my journey. Though when I stop the negative mind talk, I realize that one of the most important things I've learned on this journey is that being authentic, especially when in the valley, is far better than pretending "everything is fine."



Since I've tried shame, guilt, anger, fear and frustration and because I've beaten myself up and judged what I logically understood and yet, emotionally wasn't able to process through; I'd like to do something else. I want to meet this old me that longs to be healed with the new me. It would seem my newest journey is to fall madly in love with myself and be so curious about what I'll discover next.


So I'll talk to myself, like I would talk to a friend," it's okay to be scared and feel lonely. It's okay to want comfort with all the changes that happened. And you know what, it's understandable that you turned to food, because it was what you've known. Though, I'd really like to do something new. I am curious about discovering ways to feel comforted and loved that aren't reliant upon anything else, especially food."

With Love, Jan Lynn

Before There is an After

I've gone back and forth on sharing these photos. The myriad of reasons only is keeping me in a box that I'm no longer comfortable staying in, so here it goes, stepping outside of my comfort zone!

Rule #3: Photo Submission

One of the rules for the #90DayChallenge is to take "Before" photos wearing the sea foam green wrist band. These will be submitted at the end of the 90 days with the "After" photos. The problem I'm having isn't with following the rules or even creating and sharing "Before and After" photos. The issue I'm facing is that I don't have the "After" photos yet, I haven't reached the end of my 90 Days and well, I'm showing more of myself.

Afraid that I'd be judged, criticized or laughed at, I wanted to wait until AFTER the 90 Day Challenge. I also wanted to wait until I had a side by side comparison, the proof that I have made progress. Because I wanted certainty that the #90DayChallenge has indeed been "worth it." But, I'm not there, in fact it's only in the first week of the challenge.

Love My Body, Love Myself

I am focusing on going to the gym, participating in a group fitness boot camp and supporting myself to make a change. With my primary intention to transform, PERIOD. The physical changes will manifest as I work out, my muscles will become defined and strong, though what I also want, is to transform HOW I feel and WHAT I think about my body.

When I got my "❤ This" tatu, that was my physical manifestation, my "finish line" so-to-speak of my journey with loving my arm. I worked hard to embrace the beauty, to shift the energy and this was a process. I was asking myself to STOP with the negative and hurtful and START with the positive and loving. 

So now, here I am, sharing the start of my journey and asking myself to make a shift and love myself even more.

Listen, I know what you might be thinking, "you've come so far and you're still criticizing yourself?" Yes! I still spend time, granted it's become less, criticizing my body and myself. Yes, I know I went from a size 28 to a size 14, that I've transformed 130 pounds and that I feel and look so much better. Though there are parts I cover up, intentionally, because they hold a place of shame for me. My stretch marks, my stomach that looks one way when I stand and another when I sit and my thighs that hold extra skin. It's all there, the things I say and the feelings I have about my body.

Reclaimation

This post is about shifting the negative and hurtful and pouring in the positive and loving. To celebrate where I am at today and rather than "waiting until... (I've reached the 90 days or I've seen a physical change.)" I'm sharing, today. I'm done waiting, because I know I'll be missing out on something really beautiful in this journey of mine, if I do.

Yes, I know this 90 Day Challenge will be work. It is a process of shifting energy and honestly, I don't know HOW I'll get to the end. Equally, I don't know WHAT I will learn, WHO I will connect with, WHERE I will grow or WHAT roadblocks I'll encounter, HOW I will overcome or WHAT amazing new opportunities will present themselves for me. The only thing I know, is that I'm showing up, willing to transform.

With courage, I share the "Before" there is an "After".

Before I've reached the finish line of my 90 Day Challenge. 

Before I know and understand how important this journey is.

Before I have transformed how I feel and what I think about my body.

Here I am.

February 2015 - NOW
#90DayChallenge

February 2015 - NOW
#90DayChallenge

February 2015 - NOW
#90DayChallenge

February 2015 - NOW
#90DayChallenge

With Love, Jan

90 Day Challenge

From Last Year to Now

Before I share about the 90 Day Challenge I began at Life Time Fitness, I wanted to honor where I was a year ago.

Last year I shared The 100 Pound Lesson Blog and Vlog. This was an act of love and courage to combine the threads of my life and weave them into a fabric of the life that I am now living.

Focusing on where I was to where I am at, I not only focused on the physical, mental and emotional pieces that had transformed, I also shared where I was at. I measured my body and weighed 198 pounds.

January 2014 and January 2015

I've transformed an additional 30 pounds and discovered my love for cooking and took on a 100 day Journey of Nourishment.

The 90 Day Challenge

On January 26, I signed up for the 90 Day Challenge at Life Time. Today I weighed in at 175, completed a push-up and squat count in 1 minute and received my additional support information from my trainer Cil.

I'm proud of myself for signing up and being willing to explore where this journey will take me. I also look forward to sharing this with others. Honestly, I don't know where this will lead me, though I know it will indeed bring me what I need, lead me to where I need to be and that I will learn something about myself.

#90DayChallenge Wrist Band

Work It Girl

Me and my trainer Cil - taking a "Cilphie"

The Exercise, Part 3

Let the Conversation Begin

So I've been blogging away on my exercise journey. Part 1 and Part 2 needed to be written before I could write this. It was my honoring of the doors and as one of my friends mentioned,

"I like that there are handles on those doors. There is sense of getting a grip, positive control and direct action to get a direct result opening and closing said doors."

So I now find myself here, eager and ready to share what I have been doing, how I've been and that I've not only seen the doors, I've turned the handles.

An Opening of Doors

For 2015, I set an intention to Discover Body Movement. Though it was before then that I knew the direction I was headed. Late last year I had two sessions with Emily Hall. She gifted me the opportunity to listen to my body's wisdom, to see many doors and open them. As it turned out, that what was beyond the initial fear, was more of me to love.

What I will share, (though trust me, there is more to write about those two experiences,) is that I got to see the way in which I've been doing my healing work from a new perspective. Energy and focus was poured into connecting with my mind and heart. And with much love and gratitude my spiritual practice has blossomed. And while I have physically transformed 130 pounds and many painful body symptoms decreased, I haven't focused much on my physical self, I just didn't know why.

The Dinner Guests

Imagine a dinner table of 4 guests; body, heart, mind and soul. Each guest has brought their strengths, vulnerabilities, truths and perspectives. They come together connecting on their discoveries; celebrating, expressing gratitude and seeking support. As it turns out my body guest was timid and shy, even afraid to step forward. Or perhaps the other 3 were talking and doing so much, my body self knew one day, it would be time to be the guest of honor at the dinner table.

Trust the Body

I remember driving home from the gym and this bit of wisdom floated up to my consciousness: Trust the Body! Tears streamed down my face, because I realized that wasn't what I had been doing, not fully or intentionally. That somewhere along the way, even as I transformed 130 pounds and focused on feeling good with what I ate, I didn't trust my body.

That lack of trust came from a part of me fearing I might gain weight again when changes were made in my life. Wasn't it my body to blame for my weight and the pain of allergic reactions to gluten, dairy, grains, refined sugars and soy? And wasn't I also doubting that I was truly worthy of this journey?

Yes, I praised and honored my body transformation, though I did a fair share of silent punishment too. What I discovered by opening those doors with Emily was that I'd been punishing myself for a very long time. Because I was trying to forget, shove down and disregard these painful pieces. The doors had kept me safe, until one day I would have enough strength, courage and a loving companion to walk beside me as I opened them. Behind the doors were experiences that happened to my body, happened to me and those moments changed the way in which I saw and felt and me, my body and my life.

Keep Trusting

While I don't condone what happened; I'm actively engaging in accepting and forgiving. I've punished myself long enough for something that happened to me, not something that I deserved or caused. By seeing those experiences for what they are, forgiveness, compassion, trust and love are being reestablished at the dinner table.

As I move forward, the energy at the dinner table has shifted. All guests are honored, engaged and participating. Forgiveness is the appetizer, Compassion the main course, Trust the dessert and Love in all of it. Together, the collective, mind, body, heart and soul will begin anew and that's a beautiful thing.

With Love, Jan

The Exercise, Part 1

I've been waiting to post this for a while and by a while I mean since December of 2013. That was when I began to pull at the delicate strings of why I had stopped exercising 6 months prior. Where had time gone? And now, it's been over a year since I first wrote my way into it. By sharing where I was, it allows me to see where I am and to move forward. It is interesting to note, I don't have a real resolution as to why I stopped exercising, at least not one I can articulate. Though before more time passes, I'm honoring my intuition to share this post (and it isn't just to clear out my blogging draft folder), so here it goes. 

December 2013

At first I thought, "I'm too embarrassed to admit that I haven't exercised since July." And that feeling is real, though it only brushes against what is really there. Then I thought, "I'm afraid of what others will think of me when I share this." And yes, that goes to a place too. And then I asked what was behind that, because those weren't at the heart of the matter. And even writing this now, I'm not sure I understand it yet either.  
I've taken time, nearly half a year, before I could even write about this. Trying to uncover what is underneath my pause in exercising. My own fears of acceptance and love touch on the delicate outlines, my feelings of worthiness are there too. And as I write, it's me looking to honor the space within. 

Act of Courage

A willingness to explore what is sticky, to see the places I've paused and to look beyond the excuses. To share what is on the heart and in the head. This act of writing has become a compassionate companion, rather than a fearful foe. But even this post was harboring a fugitive. And for those of you that understand the depth of my journey, you see that this is a doorway into my soul. Sharing what is, what has been and what I hope for, places me in this vulnerable space. And often, it isn't until all parts of my being, are at the very least willing, that space and time lead towards sharing.

Sometimes I am not ready to acknowledge the door, let alone open it. I realize my truest concern underneath what others may think, is what I think and feel about myself. And in writing this, I acknowledge that I have felt unworthy of healing this piece, so I haven't blogged about it. And when I find myself trying to "fix it" the best course of action is to pause. To allow for me to become more loving with myself. For me to make the choice for this process to be less painful. 

So I begin here, where I am at, not knowing where it will go. Allowing this piece of me - this door into my soul - to be opened with love to let light in.

July 2013 - The Last Day I Exercised

I remember this day as if it were yesterday, though really the calendar proves that it was much longer than that. Armed with time off from work and a determination to find clarity, I eagerly approached my upcoming road trip to reconnect with several friends. I brought along my Yoga Booty Ballet DVD's and yoga mat, ensuring that I'd find time to do this exercise that I loved. It was my go-to exercise, combing yoga core strengh, cardio dance moves and ballet beauty.

The first morning of the trip I woke up and could feel the longing for my body to stretch. In the basement of a college friend’s house I practiced Yoga Booty Ballet, Latin Flavor and that was the last time I’d worked out with Yoga Booty Ballet. A door was placed infront of body movement and I stopped, I just stopped doing it.

6 Months Later

One day became two and two days became three, until now I sit here 6 months later. How had I started making excuses that I was "too busy" to make time for a 30-45 minute workout? What was stopping me from body movement?

In some attempt to keep moving, I tried to find a replacement. I attended a yoga class once a week for a few months. There were several reasons I liked this class. It opened a doorway for me to feel comfortable to physically move my body in front of others. The instructor was warm and inviting. The group size was small and I felt safe. 

It even offered some relief. When I started moving, parts of myself and my body longed to be held in the breath and so I’d stay there for a moment or two. And when my left leg crossed over my body, I breathed into the space and tears rolled down my cheek. I didn't want to be “that gal” and so I stifled them in. When we turned onto our stomachs the instructor asked if I was doing ok. I responded “I'm fine physically, it's just my emotions.” She smiled lovingly and said, “It’s alright if you cry here.”

So I was doing a form of exercise, though I could tell my body needed more and I didn't want to see that then. I also was avoiding the real reason why I wasn't moving. It wasn't that I needed a new form of exercise, rather, something else needed to be acknowledged, a door opened and I just didn't want to.

Was exercise something I was afraid of? Or was it that I knew what rested behind the door and I chose to let it stop me? And in time, will I find out what to do with that? I hope some day, when the time is right, I will.

With Love, Jan

28 Months

Last Wednesday I honored my 28 month anniversary of my body transformation. With a 130 pounds transformed, choices made to feel better and a willingness to believe in myself and the power of transformation, I truly celebrated this anniversary.

Though something happened before I got to the celebration. I noticed a part of me trying to make my 28 month anniversary ordinary. I suppose I could have agreed, yet that didn't settle with me and I made the choice to find out why.

Perhaps it was the part of me that thought after I reached my 2 year anniversary, the 21st of each month would feel "just like any other day." Though it really doesn't. Nor is there any reason for me to stop honoring this measure of time. If it were not for the bold move I made then, my life transformation wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be here now. So what was really going on?

Behind The Curtain 

I felt the spiral inward, as I moved beyond the thoughts that were trying to minimize the significance of this date, the magnitude of my transformation and the gratitude of this journey. There was a piece of the puzzle that was demanding my attention. Throughout my journey there was something I'd believed to be true. A part of me that no matter how far I got, would hook me back in to a place of discontentment. So I'd struggle, find a new rhythm and keep moving forward, though I never understood why this stop and go pattern occurred, what I could do with it or how it could transform.

The Mental Block

Most recently as I was moving my body at the fitness club, I saw this "truth" come forward in a way I hadn't experienced before. My personal trainer developed a routine for my body movement. With this plan in place, I found myself at the fitness club moving and feeling stronger. A few days into the new routine, I noticed a thought that landed beside me, "great job, Jan! I think you're done."

While I was doing a great job (I'm a big fan of pep talks), I'd been keeping count and knew I wasn't done. I wondered what that little thought was trying to do. "Well, Jan, no one will know if you don't finish your routine." Frozen on the green yoga mat, I recognized this as a mental block. I affirmed that I would indeed be completing the routine and responded back, "No one else may know, but I will." The energy of the mental block lifted, the thought dissipated and Jack Johnson's Sitting, Wishing, Waiting played over the speakers, becoming my work out wake-up song.

How long will I keep sitting until I am ready to move? 

How long will I keep wishing I'd take bold steps forward? 

And when will I stop waiting to be ready? 

Little did I know then, this experience was an opportunity for me to grow even more. As I sat with Maggie at my monthly nutrition appointment, we pulled back the curtain on this mental block. I could feel my breath quicken, heart beat faster and my thoughts race, as I tried to cover up what was nestled underneath. Thankfully, this wasn't my first time sitting with uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, so I settled in, took deep breaths and recognized my stop and go pattern, I was afraid and thought I was unworthy.

The Worthiness Factor

Over the course of the last 30 something days, I've been actively engaging in honoring my self worth. It's been an emotional process. A detoxification of the lie that I am unworthy and a reclamation of the truth that I am worthy. With the support of my life coach, I've grown with it, learned from it and continue to do so. Because over the course of the last few years, at the root of the 'stop and go' pattern I was experiencing with movement, both in the fitness club and on my spiritual journey, my worthiness was on the line. And in these two moments in time, I was given the opportunity to see the thoughts for what they were and return to a place of truth, that I am worthy.

With love, Jan

The Tatu: Love This

Purple ink

Engraved into skin

A mark of a journey

Today, it may be a little bruised

But aren't we all a little bruised sometimes?

 

Sensitive

Of course it is

Near the heart

Facing in

Where the beautiful reminder will shine

 

When I look down

I smile

Because I do, indeed

Love This 

Soul-surfacing: A tatu to honor my healing journey. 

A few months ago I struggled to accept my arms (more like the extra skin that is now present from the body transformation I've been on). I would ramble off hurtful things and one day I thought, "maybe  there's another way?" so rather than saying the hurtful, shameful things, I started saying "Love This." 

Time went on and I started writing this phrase on the inner part of my left arm and other parts of my body where I was holding shame and guilt. It's taken time, but today my arm was forever changed, symbolizing the beauty I've now found in my arm.

The last time my arm looked like this.



The Consultation:
Inner, Upper Left Arm - here's where the beautiful strength lies.



Receiving the news from Kore: "the upper, inner arm is the second most sensitive spot on the body."
(for a second, I thought "don't do it"...)

 

And then I remember how much this meant to me.

We're going for it!

A breath and pause for a moment of reflection.

This is getting real.

It's time!!!

Stand here for disenfecting: and so I stood.

Tatu me up Kore!

After the outline was done, I needed a little breather, some water and cold compress.
There was so much healing happening.

Yep... it's tender!

I do, indeed, "Love This"

We went for a dark purple, the color of people seeking spiritual fulfillment and in this journey, I've found much.

A picture, of a picture, of "Love This"
Thanks to my amazing friend for capturing the many moments of this journey.

Thank you, Tatu's By Kore' for the truly beautiful tatu and healing experience.

The Weigh In

23rd Month

Anniversary celebrations are a loving way for me to connect in and reflect on the intentions of my healing journey. On the eve of my 23rd Month Anniversary with my food/body/life transformation, I see where healing has occurred and find myself awakened to new areas of exploration. This little life of my has wanted to shine and in the 'doing', I find that the 'being' brings forward the authenticity of nurturing vulnerability. Like a deep sea diver hunting for buried treasure, I too find myself unearthing beautiful gems; parts of my soul that are ready to shine and be shown to the world.

As I make my way towards my 2 year anniversary, I feel the healing breathe return to acknowledge and honor my past, making space for reflection. In the spirit of reconnection, I find myself willing to journey in. Last year at this time I wrote: Let Me Tell You About This Gal. Part of me likes it because my story is there, the waves I struggled with, the pieces of my heart that were found and the hope (and trust) it took to get me where I was. Though mostly, I liked reconnecting with my past, pinning it to the earth and allowing it to be what it was.

The Weigh In

On February 26, the second day of my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, I filmed myself weighing in and observed the devastation that ran across my face for having gained 0.4 pounds. And I realized that stepping on the scale had become a measure of my success. One way or another I'd come out with a black or white reaction to what that number was: "good" for having dropped weight or "bad" for having gained weight. Yet, in the observation of the video, something happened; I recognized a more loving way to honor my journey.

Stepping away brought up fear and doubt, how would I measure my success or know if I needed to reset my eating habits without this number? The first week was hard and then the next a bit easier, until time passed and the shift occurred. The power was taken away from the number and the energy I once poured into getting the "right" number was focused into noticing HOW my body felt. If I felt uncomfortable in clothing, I took notice with compassion. Stepping away from the scale was one of the healthiest choices made within my body transformation and I am grateful I did it.

As time went on, the ease with the unknown came in. The number stopped defining me and noticing how my body felt was liberating. I made the choice to hold myself accountable to how I want to feel. So to my surprise, earlier last week just before bed, I had a vision of myself stepping on the Wii Fit board and weighing in. This time rather than judging the indication of my body's mass; love and compassion surrounded the space. Laying my head down to rest, I allowed this vision to settle in beside me. Upon waking, support blossomed and trust allowed me to see my weight as a number; a data point. 

I AM PROUD

Feeling of excitement and anxiousness stepped forward and before I placed my feet on the board, I breathed in deeply and gave myself a hug. 

 
It had been 166 days since my last weigh in and in humble gratitude, I found the support and trust there within myself to acknowledge the registered number. I have transformed additional weight since the last weigh in and now find myself 111 pounds lighter. As I send gratitude for the journey, for the support and encouragement and for the trust within to honor what comes forward. The signals my body sends me, the comfort (or discomfort) are taken care of with healthy nourishment and I listen; creating metabolism that thrives with greens, protein and healthy fats. 

I AM PROUD! Proud of the way my body has let me know what it needs. Proud of the nurturing care I've provided it. Proud that as the waves came in or rolled out, I kept swimming, trusting that I hadn't come this far to fall off the earth, rather to become stronger, to shine and to thrive.

With Love, Jan