The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

The Journey of Nourishment

Can a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really transform someone?
On February 25th I began a new journey for my healing transformation. In 100 Days I planned to nourish myself. It wasn't only all about the food (though sometimes it was) or about what or how I ate. Nourishment has layers and what I truly wanted was to feed my soul. When I decided to dedicate 100 days to do this, courage and trust became essential. GiveIt100.com (a social media platform where other like-minded individuals wanted to learn something in 100 days too) played landscape to my journey.  A place where it's foundation of support offered a way to document the healing work I was doing. Diving in, a deep sense of knowing came forward, I knew how important this tool would be to helping me grow the garden of my heart.

Where I Began

It started off; the way most journeys of the self, back to the self, begin. I was unsure of the final destination, didn't know what I would "have" to do or what I would "have" to give up. An element of trust was needed and a deep belief arose and I knew that at the conclusion of the 100 days, I'd arrive exactly where I was meant to be and that I would learn something about myself, no matter what. What I discovered along the way, is that in the creating, editing and sharing of my videos; my ability to be loving, gentle and compassionate with myself grew.

In my work world, my organizational skills are always by my side and a good check list never far behind. So I applied this concept to this project; if I was going to pour time, energy and love into this, I wanted to understand my purpose. I wrote about my intentions with this journey Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey.

Incorporating beautiful "real" foods was one piece. In the 16 months prior to February 25, I'd been on a cleanse (yes, a 16 month cleanse). My body celebrated joyously with the elimination of gluten, dairy and refined sugars. And as I  honored my body, I discovered a life of less pain. I began transforming weight (100+ pounds on my last weigh-in in February), no more stomach issues, no more migraines and my body began menstruating without the assistance of any prescription medications. The use of supplemental shakes for 2 meal replacements helped me get there, though something shifted around the holidays (I know what it is, I'm just not able to write in there yet). Though in this shift, I noticed that familiar place I return to when I finish one leg of the journey and am just on the verge of embracing another. I arrive and an old familiar thought comes in, "ok, you can stop here. You've done so much. Healed, learned and feel so much better, honestly, isn't this far enough?" Thankfully through meditation, awareness and compassion, I knew what was happening, so I took my time and discovered that a new piece of my heart wanted to be honored and the desire to nourish resonated within my soul.

Being Ready

The idea of being "ready" often brushes up against different parts of me in uncomfortable ways. 
Were my life, soul and heart truly "ready" for this journey?
YES! (sang with a resounding heart glow)
Was my mind or the pieces that were use to staying in the darkness "ready"?
Um, no, not really! (uttered under the breath, trying not be noticed)
So it took a lot of courage (and self-compassion) to notice both and honor what is truly best for me.

Reaching out to receive support was essential and Maggie Christopher, my holistic nutrition counselor, arrived into my life when I was ready. Amazingly enough I'd kept her business card for 3 years and as I was cleaning in the dark of winter, her card was found with a light of hope. My soul knew Maggie would help me find the keys I needed for my journey of nourishment. Partnering together in a sacred space, with the support she provided and my willingness to lean in, I discovered growth, compassion and healing when doors were opened with keys of love.

When I began incorporating real foods, first for my lunches and then 2 weeks later for breakfast, I needed to make space for my fears of and with food. Patience and time sat beside me as I navigated where I could. And in the last few months, I now claim the title of a fearless food prepper (give me an organized shopping trip Thursday/Friday with batch cooking on Sunday and I'm happy & set for the week.) And while the shakes are still here, they live in the "every so often" category, rather than a staple meal.

Reaching Day 100

So when I look back, yes, a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really can transform someone. As I reached my final 100th day on June 5th, I needed time to write this blog post. And while I was celebrating with friends and family, it seemed inauthentic for me to "write, just to write". So I created space for the silence, to allow for the time away from this blog to be a time of reflection and honoring.

And while I may not have crossed everything off from my check list, what I "thought" was going to be important, was minor compared to what stepped forward when I honored my intuition. I trusted someone new (again, thank you, Maggie), used a new tool (thank you, GiveIt100.com) and found myself creating an authentic relationship with food, my body and myself. Being present in and with the experience, I discovered my ability to be compassionate and courageous. To see the old patterns for what they are, honor them and release them with love. Because the truth is; they no longer fit me or the life I want to live.

Those little 10-second videos may only have shown snip-its of what was happening, though in the process they are my tribute to the journey I am on and I am grateful. Transformation, mindfulness and self-compassion didn't happen to me in one 10-second video, it was in a series acts of being engaged, intentional and creating what I wanted. Sometimes this meant sharing when I didn't "think" I could and honoring the little voice inside of me that said, "Give It A Try"

With Love, Jan

Week 13: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

For the past few weeks I've been waiting for inspiration to arrive, knowing that I wanted to do another 100 Day project. And while I'll keep nourishing myself beyond the 100 Days, I want to honor the amazing transformation I've been a part of and begin a new chapter. With the final 9 days left of my journey, I find myself in a place of gratitude and amazement. How did February 25th fly by so quickly? Wasn't I just stomping through the snow in my backyard to write 2.25 for my cover photos, only now to find myself enjoy each of my meals outdoors? This journey and opportunity to share the GiveIt100.com projects has made a difference in my life and I am grateful, here's my Week 13 of videos:

With Love, Jan

The Eve of My 20 Month Anniversary

20 Month Anniversary

Hard to believe, (though I know it is true), that my life changed 20 months ago. That I became more of the woman I am today, by making the choice I did then. And that my journey was meant to be exactly how it is; beautiful, compassionate, authentic and healing. That I was meant to journey in, to travel on and that this journey too had a mission: to safe my life! It isn't too often that I truly acknowledge how far I've come, where I've been and the beauty that has stepped forward in each chapter of this journey. I found my courage underneath the weight I carried and this connection changed my life forever.

It’s interesting on this eve of my 20 month anniversary that I find myself sitting in my backyard, listening to the birds sing and basking in the evening glow of the sunset, that I find myself in a different space than I have been with other anniversaries. Something shifted after my 1 year anniversary, I realized I was 100 pounds lighter and breathing more deeply. Yet, I became afraid of the power I held within myself, because if it meant I could do this, then what else was I in store for? 

I found myself hibernating through the winter months. Coming inward and connecting with the deeper work that my soul was ready to embrace. Yet, there were old messages that began repeating and I somehow began to doubt what I’d done, what I was doing and what I wanted to do – mostly, I doubted myself. That pattern of self-doubt continued to play itself out and I continued to recognize it and rather than trying to do something with “it” I practiced staying still. Noticing the triggers that brought me inward and the activities I could do to help heal it. 

The Honoring

Beginning my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment on Feb 25th, allowed me to be even more connected with my journey and myself (today is day 85!). With each moment I shared, I began finding my way back to myself. The videos became a way for me to communicate from my heart and with each week that passed, I found self-compassion overflowing.

Earlier this week, I felt the pull to find a way to honor this anniversary, not just to share the photos, no, much deeper than that, to share my heart.

If a part of me hadn't believed in myself then; 

I wouldn't be here today. 

If a part of me hadn't thought, “yes, you can do this;" 

I wouldn't have done it. 

And if a part of me hadn't trusted in the power of healing; 

I wouldn't find myself moving from surviving to thriving.

It took a series of choices to get where I am, ounces of courage to love the darkness that I use to avoid and loving curiosity to explore. So on this eve of my 20 month anniversary, I don’t know what I weigh or the difference of my body's measurements. (Stepping away from the scale during my 100 Day Journey has been one of the best gifts I've given myself.)

Though what I do know is that I weighed more when I was hiding from issues in my life, than I do now when I lean into them. I do know that I have an amazing capacity for energy that flows from a place so happy to be alive. And I know that as I write, I.AM.PROUD! Proud of myself. Proud of my body. Proud of the choices I made and the courage it takes to continue journeying. And Proud of living my life more authentically. 

With Love, Jan

Week 12: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan

Week 11: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com
This week I talk a lot about my blog post from Saturday: The Eve of Mother's Day, why? Because that post allowed me to transform how I celebrate Mother's Day. The week leading up to it I was unsettled and even though I tried to distract in many ways, finally, when I began writing in and examining the pieces, I realized that I was indeed in place where I could look at this day in another way. And this was a transformation, a way to shake the dust off the old way of doing things and find a new way to be in and with myself and my emotions. An act of courage and self-compassion came in and I am so proud of myself for taking the leap into this space of infinite possibilities.

With Love, Jan

Week 10: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan

Week 9: + The Head and The Heart

Here's a compilation of Week 9:

The Head and The Heart

Across from me in the cozy, leather banquette, sat my life coach
She, willing to support my journey
I, willing to discover the answer of my heart
And trying to calm the answers from my head

The question was,

What do you need right now?

Clear and true, it rang within my space

Support

What is stopping you from receiving this?

A pause, because I was calling it out 

The piece of me that wants to be right

Where old messages, long since learned, no longer fitting to the life I want to live, repeat

And in this "pause" I discovered more deeply

It wants structure and safety

And while it's gotten me through so much

It doesn't want to be discarded.

And I sat

In silence

Struggling to even call the "pause" by it's proper name

Not able to actually say the 3 letters

Because it would seem, if I did

The life I was living would shift

Her sparkling kind eyes saw me
As I squirmed to mutter the word
With deep belly breaths I said it
Because I knew
If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have spoken the truth
Yet when I did
I felt like my biggest secret was out

~

And so I have a conversation

Between my heart and my head.

2 weeks later and awareness comes in
The light into the darkness, a place no one but I can be
I've been changed

Yet in doing so,
Something new (Or actually quite old, something long since laid down to rest underneath the rubble of extra baggage)
Came forward
A way of coping with the change to structure
And the "pause" trying to do it's best to still be right

No, my friend, Chocolate doesn't really make us "feel better"

I whisper to my head

Nor does eating extra food

Yet, here I've been in a 2 week awareness

And find myself coming home with a cartfull of things that just hurt.

"It's all I know how to take care of you."

And I say,

"Yes, I'm aware of that.

Though my heart knows new ways how to do this.

Tools I've learned that help me build a new foundation of support."

"Then what will I do?"
Ego asks.

And in the most loving, compassionate way

My heart says to my head,

"I still need you! 

You are important for me to plan and process. 

To be with me on this journey. 

To be remembered, honored and respected."

With Love, Jan

Week 8: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Celebrating my 50th day and continuing to explore how I support myself, in ways other than with sweets. 

With Love, Jan

50th Day of My 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Today is my 50th day of my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment (wow!)

My relationship with food, weight and my health has become more authentic and this journey has been supported by posting a 10 second video on GiveIt100.com daily. I've become more willing to be present to my experience, to share where I am and how I've navigated with deeply beautiful spaces of growth.

And for those who have been supportive and encouraging, thank you! Your words and thoughts are appreciated and I truly believe have been (and will be) essential to the healing journey I am on.

So with arms wide open and a heart filled with love, I embrace what the next 50 days will bring me. The places I'll journey, the people I'll connect with and the stories I'll share!

With Love, Jan

Week 6 & 7: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment & Doors

In the last 2 weeks, I began exploring topics of my self-worth, my journey with infertility and my body image. These topics held weight with them and required time, energy and oodles of self-compassion. 

Here's my Vlog & 2 Week Video Compilation: 

A Little More About Doorways

Maybe some doors stay there, in their place, seen, touched, yet unopened? The door isn't bad or good, wrong or right, it just is. And yes, something is behind it waiting, patiently to be approached. Sometimes it's taking action on something you've always wanted? Sometimes it's reconnecting with others and just because one person has started acknowledging the door, you find yourself faced with an adjoining door, that requires the person to open their door too. This act shouldn't stop you from noticing the door, because even if the door isn't open now, it doesn't mean it won't open later? And maybe there is work to be done on this side of the door before you can pass through it?

With all doors, you know it's shape, size and the details that make it distinguishable from any others and you know it's part of your journey. It's important because you've made it be, otherwise it wouldn't be a door, it wouldn't even be a window, it would just be a time when you made a choice. The doors serve their purposes. They keep out what may be hurtful and keep in what is safe.

My Doors

I have seen many doors in my journey of healing. Some I've been so willing to embrace, open and walk through, others I stand in front of it, angry for it's existence, because I know what lies beyond is where I want to be, not here, in the closed darkness. So I'd fight with it, pretend it's not there and just go about my day. But there simply is no way to continue ignoring it, because before I can reach the outcome, something here, with this door, needs my attention. 

I used to think it only needed to be opened, so I'd try to force it, using tools that weren't right. Turns out the doors only opened when I came to them with no more excuses, no more "plans", no more running away or pushing past it. So I'd spend time in front of the door, sometimes moments, sometimes days. And rather than seeing this door as something in my way, I started asking questions. Why are you here? What do I need to learn before I can open you? And I'd wait, with patience being the teacher and somewhere I'd find the key. The answer was always here, within me. Answers come when the questions can be asked. And opening doors only comes when all pieces of ourselves (heart, soul, mind and body) are ready to open them.

I've opened many doors, particularly in the last 3 years. So I know the amount of time, energy and love that surrounds the journey of the self, back to the self. I also know, no one can get you to see, acknowledge and open the door if you don't believe you hold the key. It's oddly liberating, the act of opening a door. Yet I felt inspired last night to do something differently, rather than just opening door after door, what if I paused and reflected on how far I have come and how many doors I have opened? To be an observer to the life I've traveled and to support, love and release any doubts that this life is anything but designed for me.

Yes, I have patterns from childhood, beliefs I've continued into my adulthood that strike blows against my self-worth, body image and the trust in myself to create the life I want to live. Yes, I have relationships in my life where there's a door and it's closed and only the act of time, patience and love will open it. And yes, I have things I want that aren't in my present life and though it can be painful, it's a reminder that I do indeed want them, yet it isn't going to stop me from being happy now.  

The Pink Project

Yesterday I began noticing a new door. The door is a rosy pink, with a fuchsia pink handle and trim. The top of the door is rounded with a peak in the middle. I can tell it's been there for a while, though yesterday I only noticed it and what I recognized was the inspiration that came forward. That maybe pink, it's color, it's presence and it's meaning are all here for me to see something within my life in a new way. So I began posting pictures of me, wearing pink within my social media world. It began slowly and soon I found myself sharing over 40 pictures. So I'm going to keep doing this, because in my heart, it feels like the best thing to do, a way to honor my journey of what was and celebrate what is.

Week 5: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Being a part of the GiveIt100 challenge has been quite rewarding and even though these 10 second videos only begin to touch on all the aspects that are going on in my life, I've truly appreciated what I've seen and the choices I've made. And even if the uncut footage isn't shared publicly, something is happening when I view them for myself.

I've talked about my body transformation, the changes I'm making to eat and enjoy real, beautiful foods and how my dining room table has become a sacred space. Connecting with others and with myself, remains at the heart of this nourishment. Exploring why I over think and calculate my actions is an old pattern, one I'm fairly certain I no longer need. Though how do I honor it, see the gift and beauty and continue to move forward in my life?

I'm paying attention to my intuition, allowing it to guide me with what I share publicly. Sometimes I hold it in, sometimes I release it and sometimes I let it just be. What I haven't talked about, are the pieces that are stepping forward about the relationship with my mother, my ability to mother myself and my own desire to become a mother. I wondered this morning: what if it isn't painful for me to hear others celebrating the creation of new life? What if I support them on their journey and support my emotions too? And what if I trust that what I'm doing is leading me to a space where I can receive anything that comes my way (with or without a child). And that forgiveness and self-compassion will allow a transformation to occur in all of these relationships. 

Last week I found myself in a valley of my journey, digging in to discover the roots of many pieces and as I reached out for support, I received this message from my holistic nutrition counselor, Maggie and I wanted to share.

"Emotions are just feelings in the body that want to be expressed.

You don't have to 'do' anything with them.

Just allow them to be there and notice the sensation in your body.

You don't need to 'think' about the feeling.

See if you can make peace with the feeling.

Suffering happens when you go to war with the feeling and think it shouldn't be there.

I know it can feel scary, but just breathe and allow the sensation of the emotion in your body." 

With Love, Jan

Week 4: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Week 3: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

I'm going to let my Vlog do the talking. And even though I may have posted less blogs, my journey, the GiveIt100 daily - 10 second video postings and my journaling are speaking loudly and passionately. This week, I'm including a vlog, along with my 7 - 10 second videos of the past week.

Here's a compilation of my videos, along with a vlog about my 3 week experience:

With Love, Jan

Week 2: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

This week I shared one of my most vulnerable moments, the fear that arises when I talk about my relationship with food. In doing so, I found myself camera shy for a few days, though I didn't realize that at the time. I journeyed inward to support this and in a moment of release recognized that this is all part of the journey. Reclaiming my choice to be in front of the camera and share my journey was liberating and reminded me of the continuous cycle of life. I was only a week and a half into the project and somewhere an idea to STOP came in. This is why I am doing my GiveIt100 project, allowing me to share in the moment, to be present with the piece of me that wants to shine or shy away and to love the journey.

Here's a compilation of Week 2!

With Love, Jan

Week 1: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

In the last week I've posted 7, 10 second videos on GiveIt100.com, a new online platform for people who want to achieve something in their lives by sharing videos and offering support to others.

Here's a compilation of my videos:

One might ask why I'm doing this and I'll be it, sometimes I even wonder. And I'll allow for a space of the unknown to exist, there is something I'm certain of,  I'm pouring myself into this experience. Finding willingness, opportunities for growth and even forgiveness to become companions to me on my journey. 

For many years I've been more intentional about being a better friend; to provide empathy, support and even laughter, connecting with so many beautiful people. And while I've been healing old patterns and being offered second chances with relationships that were once tramped on, I realized that there was one relationship I wasn't being intentional with. I wondered if I could offer the same shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to and even a companion to laugh with, to myself. If I could find a way to be more loving, more open and truly empathetic to the pieces where I breathe most deeply and pause. 

My Day 2 video struck me the most. How easily I became discouraged at a .4+ weight gain. And even as others sent their support, me, inside of myself needed to discover this. So I sat beside myself and in the best way I could allowed for the waves of love to come in and support this piece.

Turns out, watching these videos has indeed offered me a way to begin practicing being a friend, to myself.

With Love, Jan

Space for Meditation

One thing became clear to me (well, actually there were quite a few, though this is the one I'll share now) as I sat across from my Life Coach, Jasna: making space for meditation is important to me. And while my husband and I have talked about finding a space in our 1950's home for months, today, I took action and created this space in less than an hour. Amazed at how quickly and easily something can come together when the time is right. One of our bedrooms has a large closet. The doors were removed pretty much when we moved in to help make the room seem bigger. And as it turns out, both my husband and I have a lot of clothes, so he has his own closet and I get this one.

This evening I took the time to create the space I wanted with comfort and soft lighting. I moved things around which I found quite easy to do and added things into the space. Candles, lavender, my vision boards, my daily intention practice and my angel cards all found a new loving home in this space.

This is the video I posted on my giveit100.com project: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment. Speaking of which, I'm on day 6 and to support my journey, I'll share a compilation of the week's worth of 10 second videos each Tuesday and share on here.

While posting on giveit100.com will remain a constant, there are a few things that are transforming already. One includes shifting the energy I put into blogging, into meditating daily.

I loved blogging for 15 days and even on the days I didn't want to, I remained committed to my journey and in turn found beautiful truth pour forward. And with the same love and intention, for the next two weeks, I'm pouring my energies into making time to build my foundation of support in my meditative space.

With Love, Jan

The First Day!

I posted my first 10 second video to giveit100.com and discovered there were more words I wanted to say. Though it also felt quite special, a unique community of people just wanting to do something more in their lives and exploring the journey day by day. It's exiting to be part of something so organic and inspired.

The Day Before Tomorrow

Tomorrow I begin my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, check out my vlog on why I'm doing this, what I'm excited about and what I hope to achieve.

In my Friday post, I shared my Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey which I originally wrote to provide to my support team. As I was writing it, I realized that while it was important to share with others, it was deeply important for me to connect with and breath into this journey. There are so many things that I'm excited about in this journey and a few pieces I know I'll need support on and I look forward to sharing all of it.

13: Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

With 3 days until my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment begins on February 25, I wanted to proclaim my intentions, who is in my support team and what goals I hope to achieve. I’ll be exploring at deep, life changing levels, allowing for introspection, empathy, courage and compassion to be guiding lights.

My support team:

1) My nutritionist, Maggie Christopher

2) My life coach, Jasna Burza

3) My blogs, vlogs and my Giveit100.com videos (starting February 25th)

4) Friends

5) And, most importantly, me

My primary support resources, beyond myself, will be Maggie & Jasna, trusting in the sacred spaces we've created for exploration. As I explore, I hope that love and support can be sent my way by you. Entering into this journey, I fully acknowledge that the only person responsible for choosing to heal is myself, so when I share moments of joy, sadness, love, grief, shame or peace; all I ask of you, is to be compassionate and empathetic and allow me to share my stories, or to sit beside me in my fear about not being ready to share.

My Intentions for Sharing this Journey:

1) Be patient and compassionate in exploration

2) Foster self-love and self-forgiveness

3) Awaken moments of inspiration

4) Support myself in all situations

My Goals for my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment:

1) Post a 10 second video daily on Giveit100.com, Blog and Create digital art

2) Integrate beautiful foods necessary for life 

3) Attend to the messages my body communicates

4) Provide opportunities for love 
5) Cherish honesty and maintain an open dialogue with my support team

With Love, Jan