The Flight of Wisdom

An Anniversary

Something happens in July, I honor, rather than celebrate an anniversary of my awakening

Each year, I find myself arriving closer to where I want to be

Further from the date of who I was

It wasn't easy, the first year, when the markings of a life change came in abruptly

A choice to be made and trusting something I knew only as a glimmer of me, the choice was made.

Her voice was small and presence dim, yet she had beauty and I wanted to know her more

I've often thought of this anniversary as what changed a relationship I'd had forever

Focused on the negative aspects it brought and how in this choice, others were hurt.

Apologies come in waves on a shoreline, forgiveness in layers of ancient land

And in the struggle to recognize that the external relationship so abruptly severed

Was a mirrored reflection of myself, longing to be loved.

So in time, I've waited through the sludge of pain

Been aware and afraid of the choices I made

Yet, after a time of settling in I asked for acceptence

As it's the only way it could have been.

What's done is done, yet before I can move on,

The truthful conversations need to be had

And those come from within, in the silence of my dreams

And when the dreams arrive and awakening occurs that is when the honoring and grieving and placing a descanso upon the earth can be done.

I've grown in the trusting of myself

That "things" no longer need to happen to me, without my permission.

That in the fighting against the wind,

There is a path, where the wind glides with me

The Flight of Wisdom

Wind changes, so adaptations change also

And while my connections happen more often when I'm near flowing like water

The breeze and the sky called to me

On the banks of the Gibbon River

On my journey of mountain gazing out West

There she flew, high into the sky

Wind rustling against her feathers

The harder she tried, wings flapped with furvor

Though she stayed, suspended in the air, not moving forward

Then she, with her wisdom of a 1000 years

Flew closer to Mother earth

And as the height of her flight became grounded

She glided past me with ease, moving down the bank of the river

In seeing the large stone I had sat on in meditation the day before

Her traveled path turned around

Once again, my eyes observed her flight

And she flew high above the earth

Wind battering her beak

Without movement

Upon returning to her inner wisdom

She found the space of sky that moved her foward with ease

This happened one more time

The same pattern, until she knew the eyes of my heart had seen

And in the final trip to the rock, she flew on

Off into the horizon of mountain heights

I Want

To Celebrate my 22nd month anniversary with reflection and gratitude

To Acknowledge where I was and where I am

To Continue to learn, receive and heal

To Be...

Last July I celebrated a 90 pound body transformation and in reflection, I acknowledge how much growth and healing has filled my life since then. The journey of my transformation has been filled with lesson after beautiful lesson and as I reflect, gratitude for trusting in the heart whispers that said, "give this a try" abound.

Beyond feeling better, the scale and my weight once measured my success, though, soon it shifted when the slightest weight increase would register. Making the choice to step away from the scale on my second day of my GiveIt100.com video was scary, how would I know I was doing well and how would I keep myself accountable? Though somewhere deep inside, I found the courage to trust it by how I felt. Navigating without the scale, was liberating and I'm so grateful for this step.



Enjoying a nourishing meal.

This year, our trip out west had me facing the depth of my food needs. Armed with my Salads-in-a-Jar (true lifesavers) I felt prepared for my nourishment. After researching gluten-free/friendly restaurants, I felt confident in where we'd dine. Though there were times when I found myself requesting my dietary needs, being told they'd work and returning to a moving vehicle feeling ill.

Beyond this, there was a shift in my thoughts around this trip and I found myself saying "I Want... I want to go to the gas station and eat whatever I want. I want to not be sick after certain meals. I want (and so the list goes on)." Suddenly, my nourishment became more about what I thought I wanted than what I truly needed. Though rather than acknowledge the thoughts (perhaps I was just not ready), the "I Wants" gathered in the "I'll deal with that later" pile began. Resentment settled in and in the last few weeks I've been trying to make my way out of the layers of anger and dismissed fury.

My body craved balance upon returning home and in the beginning it felt like I was "starting over." Though really, what I've learned cannot be taken away, rather, I just need to take time to sort through, acknowledge and reconnect with myself.

And this morning, as I noticed a small part of my arm that was inflamed, I knew in my heart, it is time to return home. To return to the place where I flourish, am loved and compassion flows freely. Where I honor and create an authentic relationship with myself, health, food and weight.

With Love, Jan

The Reconnection

Road Trip Reflection

In the dreams of my heart months before, a calling to travel west arose and as the road trip plans began, my quest for vision entered in. As our van, filled with camping gear approached the heart of the mountains I, for the first time, experienced the taken breath at the glimpse of snow covered peaks and between the silent heart beat, an awakening began. 

Under the vast Wyoming skies, in a place where initials signed on a piece of paper indicated we knew this was bear country, the chilled breeze seeped through gaps in the blankets, on a bed filled with air. 

There's more stories to tell, snapshots to share and writing to surround the moments of basking in the warmth of suns' rays, body connected with lush earth, being still near the the flowing water. Though today, the words written here surround one of the most important layers of this trip.

The Then & The Now

Has it been 2 years since we last visited this sacred earth? In a place where the Black Hills played landscape to a new layer of my spiritual awakening. Standing on the cliffs of the Badlands, studying the details of the Crazy Horse Monument and clenched teeth as the scenic chairlift soared above the hills or we drove on the narrow roads of Needles Highway. Near the rocks of Deadwood, dreams of a past so real shook me awake, that I needed my fingers to gently pinch the softness of my arms. The trip in 2012 gently rocked me out of the dream I'd been in the last year, maybe longer and awoke me into honoring the life meant for me.

And so here I am, over 730 days later, far from who I was then, yet even more aware that she is right beside me. She and I, spoke on this trip, maybe not in words shared across a space like a friend. Rather in conversations when the fear of heights found me on top of the Grand Tetons. Or during letters written upon my journals' pages or in the videos made for my GiveIt100.com project on Forgiveness. Though mostly, our conversations were held in the silence of the sun or in the gaze of the horizon. Silent to words and when I settle in, they matter less, the details, it was the intention of our connection. And as she looked through my eyes to see the world and as I listened for her delicate voice, we became reconnected. For it isn't the difference the brings us together, it's the journey we've shared.

And rather than feeling the need to move mountains that lay before me in my journey, trying to overcome something that I see as being in the way. I listen and understand that they are part of it and rather than trudge in with anger or resentment, fear or doubt, that by being still and acknowledging, that I indeed find gratitude for their beauty.

These photos honor moments of my life, times when the me of then and the me of now were in the same place. And while the forms have changed and how we see and interact with the world has transformed, there we are, both dancing delicately with our humanity, hopeful and honoring the essence of our being, understanding that healing is occurring in the sacredness of travel.

With Love, Jan

To Be

I live my life with order,

it brings me safety and convenience

Though sometimes

all that is needed is

not to know,

not to plan,

to just GO

To be free

Listen to the rhythm of my heart

Following where it beats

To find myself

and the sacred connection

on the banks of a river

or on the breath of a breeze

J.L.

Where To Begin?

What awakens the soul to move towards where it wants to go?

And how do WE, 
get out of our own way 
to allow for transformation?
 

The part of the journey,
the actual transformation

Is the act of reaching beyond the limitations of our proclaimed selves. 

To go in
sometimes seeming like a fall
other times a confident stride across the room

To the door that will open 
with the beautiful key held within.

J.L.

Hero-ness

The shift came upon me

Though, not from what was,

Rather from what wasn't there any longer.

 

Running (not so subtly) into it, 

finding myself set upon a blade

As if to point out that I was really here.

A reminder of this time and place,
a scar of the emotions.

How I wish I could have said I would ignore it.
Because I've done that before.

But it wasn't that easy this time,
Something was different
Oh, it's that thing, called love.
 

So do I stop Judging? Criticizing? And start accepting?

Do I say, "Oh, that's all right. You'll figure it out."

Yet mind races,
There must be a way?
Must be something I can say?

Maybe instead of a savior,
all you really need is a friend?

Maybe THIS is what you have to do to find your healing.

If you are walking in the woods,
approching the darkness.

You don't want me to do it for you, do you?

You're just looking for a light to help guide.
Maybe you don't even know you need a light?

But it can't be me to force you to see.
Even if I filled your woods with a million lights.

But without you,
I noticed that this thing I do,
my hero-ness,

Has less to do with you
or the blame I consider to be true.

But instead, the part of me that wants to judge,

It isn't because you don't fit into this perfect little box in my head.

It is me,

Hoping to be free from the hero I no longer need to be.

Written 08.13.13 J.L.