When Self-Awareness Happens

In the last 4 and a half years, I've been given opportunities to heal, grow and transform. My journey has required courage to move through infertility, establish boundaries with family, transform the relationship with my body, accept the dissolution of my marriage and live in temporary separation from my home, my belongings and my sweet cat. I've been placed in continual transitions and it has been uncomfortable and challenging; it has also been rewarding and heart holding.

Image from:
 http://brenebrown.com/my-blog/page/2/

There are times when the movement through the 'stuff' is clear, the journey is accepted and I find myself landed in a new place of deeper love, acceptance and hope. Though the truth is, those pieces happen AFTER my 'rumble'. I didn't know what this part of the journey was called and as I've been reading Brené Brown's new book, Rising Strong, her words have enabled me to better understand the holding space. As my self-awareness is strengthened, I recognize the signs when it is time to own and move through a block.

With each block, my curiosity is peaked with the opportunity to heal. Energy, time and patience are needed to live wholeheartedly. Because the truth is, I want to be my best. Though, I need to reach a point of reconciliation that my best doesn't mean being 'perfect', having a 'final destination' or pushing myself too quickly through something. My best comes from making the best choices I can with the tools I have. To do the things that scare me, to take risks to reprogram old patterns and to trust myself to know I'm worth it.

I grew up denying my sensitivities, intuition and my ability to connect with the Divine because I didn't understand it. After scary experiences occurred, I closed off pieces of myself. Fear and self-protection created programs to prevent me from experiencing that pain again. Unfortunately, as I've grown, those programs continue to play out when I feel unsafe. So, when I'm in my 'rumble' and backed against the wall, the fear of the unknown creates anxiety and I'm not sure how I will make it through the next layer.


But, wait, remember that whole 'self-awareness' piece? Well, I'm starting to see the old programs for what they are and do my best to make choices to move beyond the power they hold. Rather than fear, I choose love; rather than doubt, I choose trust; rather than running, I see what happens when I stay with myself.

With each breath and tick of the clock; times moves me through the seasons of my life. So, while I may be in the 'rumble' phase with the next layer of my healing, I'm going to bring in self-awareness. Because the spiritual gifts of 'self-love', 'self-acceptance' and 'self-worth' happen more often when practiced. And by me saying, "I'm rumbling through this, not entirely clear on my direction or next steps, I'm going to trust that where I am, is where I am supposed to be and what is happening is happening for me." It's allowing me the opportunity to practice all of those things.

Cloud Cult recently released their new song 'No Hell' and it would seem their gift for understanding the spiritual warrior's journey was translated into music and arrived at a time when I needed to receive its gift.

"It's easy to be thankful for the things you've got. 

It takes guts to give thanks for the things you've lost"

So I honor the things that shaped me into who I am today. Because I know what the truth is.

I am writing this because I have worked through each of those previous experiences. 

I am having new and amazing experiences because of each of my changes. 

I am more loving and more compassionate, humbled and grateful.

I am more willing to be vulnerable and share what is behind the mask.

I enjoy spending time with my friends and family's children wholeheartedly. 

I am creating new relationships with my family. 

I am stronger and healthier than I've ever been. 

I am grateful for the relationship I had and the lessons learned.

I am now reunited with my cat, belongings and settling into a new home.

Each step required me to let go. 

Each step required courage. 

Each step asked me to be a better friend to myself than my negative mind talk was telling me to be. 

And each step asked me to trust the process and believe that I am worthy of love, peace and hope. 

With Love, Jan