The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

The Journey of Nourishment

Can a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really transform someone?
On February 25th I began a new journey for my healing transformation. In 100 Days I planned to nourish myself. It wasn't only all about the food (though sometimes it was) or about what or how I ate. Nourishment has layers and what I truly wanted was to feed my soul. When I decided to dedicate 100 days to do this, courage and trust became essential. GiveIt100.com (a social media platform where other like-minded individuals wanted to learn something in 100 days too) played landscape to my journey.  A place where it's foundation of support offered a way to document the healing work I was doing. Diving in, a deep sense of knowing came forward, I knew how important this tool would be to helping me grow the garden of my heart.

Where I Began

It started off; the way most journeys of the self, back to the self, begin. I was unsure of the final destination, didn't know what I would "have" to do or what I would "have" to give up. An element of trust was needed and a deep belief arose and I knew that at the conclusion of the 100 days, I'd arrive exactly where I was meant to be and that I would learn something about myself, no matter what. What I discovered along the way, is that in the creating, editing and sharing of my videos; my ability to be loving, gentle and compassionate with myself grew.

In my work world, my organizational skills are always by my side and a good check list never far behind. So I applied this concept to this project; if I was going to pour time, energy and love into this, I wanted to understand my purpose. I wrote about my intentions with this journey Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey.

Incorporating beautiful "real" foods was one piece. In the 16 months prior to February 25, I'd been on a cleanse (yes, a 16 month cleanse). My body celebrated joyously with the elimination of gluten, dairy and refined sugars. And as I  honored my body, I discovered a life of less pain. I began transforming weight (100+ pounds on my last weigh-in in February), no more stomach issues, no more migraines and my body began menstruating without the assistance of any prescription medications. The use of supplemental shakes for 2 meal replacements helped me get there, though something shifted around the holidays (I know what it is, I'm just not able to write in there yet). Though in this shift, I noticed that familiar place I return to when I finish one leg of the journey and am just on the verge of embracing another. I arrive and an old familiar thought comes in, "ok, you can stop here. You've done so much. Healed, learned and feel so much better, honestly, isn't this far enough?" Thankfully through meditation, awareness and compassion, I knew what was happening, so I took my time and discovered that a new piece of my heart wanted to be honored and the desire to nourish resonated within my soul.

Being Ready

The idea of being "ready" often brushes up against different parts of me in uncomfortable ways. 
Were my life, soul and heart truly "ready" for this journey?
YES! (sang with a resounding heart glow)
Was my mind or the pieces that were use to staying in the darkness "ready"?
Um, no, not really! (uttered under the breath, trying not be noticed)
So it took a lot of courage (and self-compassion) to notice both and honor what is truly best for me.

Reaching out to receive support was essential and Maggie Christopher, my holistic nutrition counselor, arrived into my life when I was ready. Amazingly enough I'd kept her business card for 3 years and as I was cleaning in the dark of winter, her card was found with a light of hope. My soul knew Maggie would help me find the keys I needed for my journey of nourishment. Partnering together in a sacred space, with the support she provided and my willingness to lean in, I discovered growth, compassion and healing when doors were opened with keys of love.

When I began incorporating real foods, first for my lunches and then 2 weeks later for breakfast, I needed to make space for my fears of and with food. Patience and time sat beside me as I navigated where I could. And in the last few months, I now claim the title of a fearless food prepper (give me an organized shopping trip Thursday/Friday with batch cooking on Sunday and I'm happy & set for the week.) And while the shakes are still here, they live in the "every so often" category, rather than a staple meal.

Reaching Day 100

So when I look back, yes, a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really can transform someone. As I reached my final 100th day on June 5th, I needed time to write this blog post. And while I was celebrating with friends and family, it seemed inauthentic for me to "write, just to write". So I created space for the silence, to allow for the time away from this blog to be a time of reflection and honoring.

And while I may not have crossed everything off from my check list, what I "thought" was going to be important, was minor compared to what stepped forward when I honored my intuition. I trusted someone new (again, thank you, Maggie), used a new tool (thank you, GiveIt100.com) and found myself creating an authentic relationship with food, my body and myself. Being present in and with the experience, I discovered my ability to be compassionate and courageous. To see the old patterns for what they are, honor them and release them with love. Because the truth is; they no longer fit me or the life I want to live.

Those little 10-second videos may only have shown snip-its of what was happening, though in the process they are my tribute to the journey I am on and I am grateful. Transformation, mindfulness and self-compassion didn't happen to me in one 10-second video, it was in a series acts of being engaged, intentional and creating what I wanted. Sometimes this meant sharing when I didn't "think" I could and honoring the little voice inside of me that said, "Give It A Try"

With Love, Jan

Week 12: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan

Week 10: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan

Week 9: + The Head and The Heart

Here's a compilation of Week 9:

The Head and The Heart

Across from me in the cozy, leather banquette, sat my life coach
She, willing to support my journey
I, willing to discover the answer of my heart
And trying to calm the answers from my head

The question was,

What do you need right now?

Clear and true, it rang within my space

Support

What is stopping you from receiving this?

A pause, because I was calling it out 

The piece of me that wants to be right

Where old messages, long since learned, no longer fitting to the life I want to live, repeat

And in this "pause" I discovered more deeply

It wants structure and safety

And while it's gotten me through so much

It doesn't want to be discarded.

And I sat

In silence

Struggling to even call the "pause" by it's proper name

Not able to actually say the 3 letters

Because it would seem, if I did

The life I was living would shift

Her sparkling kind eyes saw me
As I squirmed to mutter the word
With deep belly breaths I said it
Because I knew
If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have spoken the truth
Yet when I did
I felt like my biggest secret was out

~

And so I have a conversation

Between my heart and my head.

2 weeks later and awareness comes in
The light into the darkness, a place no one but I can be
I've been changed

Yet in doing so,
Something new (Or actually quite old, something long since laid down to rest underneath the rubble of extra baggage)
Came forward
A way of coping with the change to structure
And the "pause" trying to do it's best to still be right

No, my friend, Chocolate doesn't really make us "feel better"

I whisper to my head

Nor does eating extra food

Yet, here I've been in a 2 week awareness

And find myself coming home with a cartfull of things that just hurt.

"It's all I know how to take care of you."

And I say,

"Yes, I'm aware of that.

Though my heart knows new ways how to do this.

Tools I've learned that help me build a new foundation of support."

"Then what will I do?"
Ego asks.

And in the most loving, compassionate way

My heart says to my head,

"I still need you! 

You are important for me to plan and process. 

To be with me on this journey. 

To be remembered, honored and respected."

With Love, Jan

Week 8: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Celebrating my 50th day and continuing to explore how I support myself, in ways other than with sweets. 

With Love, Jan

Week 6 & 7: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment & Doors

In the last 2 weeks, I began exploring topics of my self-worth, my journey with infertility and my body image. These topics held weight with them and required time, energy and oodles of self-compassion. 

Here's my Vlog & 2 Week Video Compilation: 

A Little More About Doorways

Maybe some doors stay there, in their place, seen, touched, yet unopened? The door isn't bad or good, wrong or right, it just is. And yes, something is behind it waiting, patiently to be approached. Sometimes it's taking action on something you've always wanted? Sometimes it's reconnecting with others and just because one person has started acknowledging the door, you find yourself faced with an adjoining door, that requires the person to open their door too. This act shouldn't stop you from noticing the door, because even if the door isn't open now, it doesn't mean it won't open later? And maybe there is work to be done on this side of the door before you can pass through it?

With all doors, you know it's shape, size and the details that make it distinguishable from any others and you know it's part of your journey. It's important because you've made it be, otherwise it wouldn't be a door, it wouldn't even be a window, it would just be a time when you made a choice. The doors serve their purposes. They keep out what may be hurtful and keep in what is safe.

My Doors

I have seen many doors in my journey of healing. Some I've been so willing to embrace, open and walk through, others I stand in front of it, angry for it's existence, because I know what lies beyond is where I want to be, not here, in the closed darkness. So I'd fight with it, pretend it's not there and just go about my day. But there simply is no way to continue ignoring it, because before I can reach the outcome, something here, with this door, needs my attention. 

I used to think it only needed to be opened, so I'd try to force it, using tools that weren't right. Turns out the doors only opened when I came to them with no more excuses, no more "plans", no more running away or pushing past it. So I'd spend time in front of the door, sometimes moments, sometimes days. And rather than seeing this door as something in my way, I started asking questions. Why are you here? What do I need to learn before I can open you? And I'd wait, with patience being the teacher and somewhere I'd find the key. The answer was always here, within me. Answers come when the questions can be asked. And opening doors only comes when all pieces of ourselves (heart, soul, mind and body) are ready to open them.

I've opened many doors, particularly in the last 3 years. So I know the amount of time, energy and love that surrounds the journey of the self, back to the self. I also know, no one can get you to see, acknowledge and open the door if you don't believe you hold the key. It's oddly liberating, the act of opening a door. Yet I felt inspired last night to do something differently, rather than just opening door after door, what if I paused and reflected on how far I have come and how many doors I have opened? To be an observer to the life I've traveled and to support, love and release any doubts that this life is anything but designed for me.

Yes, I have patterns from childhood, beliefs I've continued into my adulthood that strike blows against my self-worth, body image and the trust in myself to create the life I want to live. Yes, I have relationships in my life where there's a door and it's closed and only the act of time, patience and love will open it. And yes, I have things I want that aren't in my present life and though it can be painful, it's a reminder that I do indeed want them, yet it isn't going to stop me from being happy now.  

The Pink Project

Yesterday I began noticing a new door. The door is a rosy pink, with a fuchsia pink handle and trim. The top of the door is rounded with a peak in the middle. I can tell it's been there for a while, though yesterday I only noticed it and what I recognized was the inspiration that came forward. That maybe pink, it's color, it's presence and it's meaning are all here for me to see something within my life in a new way. So I began posting pictures of me, wearing pink within my social media world. It began slowly and soon I found myself sharing over 40 pictures. So I'm going to keep doing this, because in my heart, it feels like the best thing to do, a way to honor my journey of what was and celebrate what is.

Body Talk

It began 2 weeks ago, I wanted to create a Vlog about my experience and reflections with my body image. I waited, until I could find the "right moment" to explore this topic. And then as today came in, I realized that I had really just been putting this off, because talking about it and then sharing it changes it and I didn't know if I was "ready" to bring it in to light. Though everything else I did this morning seemed only half full, I was doing the motions, but I wasn't truly invested, because my heart knew what I wanted to do. So with an ounce of courage, I sat outside on this beautiful day and began recording. In editing this, what I didn't show were the long pauses between thoughts, it would seem this topic: Body Image, stirred up thoughts, memories and emotions. I also realized I didn't quite connect with the phrase "Body Image" and maybe that is because I haven't ever talked about it. So in trying to find my way back to a space for healing, I share my vlog.

With Love, Jan

My Reflections with Infertility

I've created two vlogs in the past two days, reflecting on my journey with infertility.

Yesterday

After receiving so many kind words and honest connections, I created this additional vlog.

Today

Thank you for your empathy, love and support. I appreciate each word, kind thought and hug! I'm finding the more I share about this, the more others are willing to share with me about their own journeys. I believe in these connections and trust our journeys are bringing us together for a reason.

With Love, Jan

Week 5: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Being a part of the GiveIt100 challenge has been quite rewarding and even though these 10 second videos only begin to touch on all the aspects that are going on in my life, I've truly appreciated what I've seen and the choices I've made. And even if the uncut footage isn't shared publicly, something is happening when I view them for myself.

I've talked about my body transformation, the changes I'm making to eat and enjoy real, beautiful foods and how my dining room table has become a sacred space. Connecting with others and with myself, remains at the heart of this nourishment. Exploring why I over think and calculate my actions is an old pattern, one I'm fairly certain I no longer need. Though how do I honor it, see the gift and beauty and continue to move forward in my life?

I'm paying attention to my intuition, allowing it to guide me with what I share publicly. Sometimes I hold it in, sometimes I release it and sometimes I let it just be. What I haven't talked about, are the pieces that are stepping forward about the relationship with my mother, my ability to mother myself and my own desire to become a mother. I wondered this morning: what if it isn't painful for me to hear others celebrating the creation of new life? What if I support them on their journey and support my emotions too? And what if I trust that what I'm doing is leading me to a space where I can receive anything that comes my way (with or without a child). And that forgiveness and self-compassion will allow a transformation to occur in all of these relationships. 

Last week I found myself in a valley of my journey, digging in to discover the roots of many pieces and as I reached out for support, I received this message from my holistic nutrition counselor, Maggie and I wanted to share.

"Emotions are just feelings in the body that want to be expressed.

You don't have to 'do' anything with them.

Just allow them to be there and notice the sensation in your body.

You don't need to 'think' about the feeling.

See if you can make peace with the feeling.

Suffering happens when you go to war with the feeling and think it shouldn't be there.

I know it can feel scary, but just breathe and allow the sensation of the emotion in your body." 

With Love, Jan

Week 4: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Week 3: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

I'm going to let my Vlog do the talking. And even though I may have posted less blogs, my journey, the GiveIt100 daily - 10 second video postings and my journaling are speaking loudly and passionately. This week, I'm including a vlog, along with my 7 - 10 second videos of the past week.

Here's a compilation of my videos, along with a vlog about my 3 week experience:

With Love, Jan

Week 2: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

This week I shared one of my most vulnerable moments, the fear that arises when I talk about my relationship with food. In doing so, I found myself camera shy for a few days, though I didn't realize that at the time. I journeyed inward to support this and in a moment of release recognized that this is all part of the journey. Reclaiming my choice to be in front of the camera and share my journey was liberating and reminded me of the continuous cycle of life. I was only a week and a half into the project and somewhere an idea to STOP came in. This is why I am doing my GiveIt100 project, allowing me to share in the moment, to be present with the piece of me that wants to shine or shy away and to love the journey.

Here's a compilation of Week 2!

With Love, Jan

Week 1: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

In the last week I've posted 7, 10 second videos on GiveIt100.com, a new online platform for people who want to achieve something in their lives by sharing videos and offering support to others.

Here's a compilation of my videos:

One might ask why I'm doing this and I'll be it, sometimes I even wonder. And I'll allow for a space of the unknown to exist, there is something I'm certain of,  I'm pouring myself into this experience. Finding willingness, opportunities for growth and even forgiveness to become companions to me on my journey. 

For many years I've been more intentional about being a better friend; to provide empathy, support and even laughter, connecting with so many beautiful people. And while I've been healing old patterns and being offered second chances with relationships that were once tramped on, I realized that there was one relationship I wasn't being intentional with. I wondered if I could offer the same shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to and even a companion to laugh with, to myself. If I could find a way to be more loving, more open and truly empathetic to the pieces where I breathe most deeply and pause. 

My Day 2 video struck me the most. How easily I became discouraged at a .4+ weight gain. And even as others sent their support, me, inside of myself needed to discover this. So I sat beside myself and in the best way I could allowed for the waves of love to come in and support this piece.

Turns out, watching these videos has indeed offered me a way to begin practicing being a friend, to myself.

With Love, Jan

Space for Meditation

One thing became clear to me (well, actually there were quite a few, though this is the one I'll share now) as I sat across from my Life Coach, Jasna: making space for meditation is important to me. And while my husband and I have talked about finding a space in our 1950's home for months, today, I took action and created this space in less than an hour. Amazed at how quickly and easily something can come together when the time is right. One of our bedrooms has a large closet. The doors were removed pretty much when we moved in to help make the room seem bigger. And as it turns out, both my husband and I have a lot of clothes, so he has his own closet and I get this one.

This evening I took the time to create the space I wanted with comfort and soft lighting. I moved things around which I found quite easy to do and added things into the space. Candles, lavender, my vision boards, my daily intention practice and my angel cards all found a new loving home in this space.

This is the video I posted on my giveit100.com project: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment. Speaking of which, I'm on day 6 and to support my journey, I'll share a compilation of the week's worth of 10 second videos each Tuesday and share on here.

While posting on giveit100.com will remain a constant, there are a few things that are transforming already. One includes shifting the energy I put into blogging, into meditating daily.

I loved blogging for 15 days and even on the days I didn't want to, I remained committed to my journey and in turn found beautiful truth pour forward. And with the same love and intention, for the next two weeks, I'm pouring my energies into making time to build my foundation of support in my meditative space.

With Love, Jan

The Day Before Tomorrow

Tomorrow I begin my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, check out my vlog on why I'm doing this, what I'm excited about and what I hope to achieve.

In my Friday post, I shared my Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey which I originally wrote to provide to my support team. As I was writing it, I realized that while it was important to share with others, it was deeply important for me to connect with and breath into this journey. There are so many things that I'm excited about in this journey and a few pieces I know I'll need support on and I look forward to sharing all of it.

The 100 Pound Lesson + Vlog

Vlogging

I'll be the first to admit when my husband said, "oh, you're 'vlogging' tonight," I didn't know what he meant. After a quick search on the web, I was able to confidently respond with, "yes, hunny, I am indeed 'vlogging' tonight." My heart was poured into this video and it turned out better than I had imagined. I've learned a bit about sharing this and am grateful for the journey, support and all the love. I've uploaded this video to YouTube and can be found here: The 100 Pound Lesson

I dove into the pictures and my life since 2011 and found that my weight was indeed my teacher and I was student. There were moments during this process where extra love and self-forgiveness came in as the judgmental thoughts started playing. "I was doing my best to support myself." And now I have more tools, more trust and most importantly more self-awareness and I find that I am able to support myself with even more beauty.

Reflection allowed me to look at my life since 2011 in 2 Chapters

Chapter 1: The Journey of Awareness

Chapter 2: The Journey of 100 Pounds

Chapter 3: The Journey of Nourishment

Pt. 1 - 45 Days

This began on January 11, 2014. A day I learned how to Rock Climb and completed my first Vlog. It set forward momentum and an ignited passion for doing new things, especially those which I thought I couldn't do. And in the next 36 days (until February 25), I'll be trying new things to honor my life with support and love along the way. 

Pt. 2 - 100 Days

I want my body transformation to keep going and for the holistic approach to provide me with tools and support to sustain and reach my weight goal of 150. Beginning on February 25 (36 days from now) I begin my 8-week nutritionist work with Maggie Christopher. Which I vlogged about earlier this week. For 100 days her and I will work together, explore additional layers with my relationship with food, support my emotions and continue to transform my body. While I currently use supplemental protein shakes for some meals, Maggie and I will work on adding real, beautiful foods, while supporting my food sensitives (gluten, dairy, corn, yeast, refined sugar) and life goals. I'm excited to share both this journey and the days leading up to it.

Where I Am At Today

198 Pounds wanting to reach my goal weight: 150 and sustain it.

With love, Jan 

Holistic Nutrition Counselor: Maggie Christopher pt.1

The Cleanse, 100 Pounds and What I Learned

Last July I began working with Dr. Margaret, a holistic chiropractor. Her talents abound with love and as we addressed the physical symptoms I was having (migraines, stomach issues, back pain, emotional challenges, weight) a cleanse was suggested. Knowing it was the right time, I set out to write a new chapter in my book of life. The work we did together was amazing, I mean, I transformed over 100 pounds in 13 months and started healing at the foundation of my life. I remain grateful for this time, energy and love.

In October I sensed this chapter was coming to an end. It was strange to feel because for the first time, in a long time, I had finally found a place where I felt safe to explore and now was understanding that I was ready to find a new place to do this. I handled it the best way I could, though rather than just pushing through it, I sat in it. I observed the thoughts and emotions and noticed the desire for a shift.

I felt disconnected and unnerved. What and how was I going to do this and who was I going to do this with? I fell back into some old patterns, unaware that my silence was speaking louder than words. A lack of trust in myself surfaced and somewhere I realized that regardless of the external pieces, I need to be the first one to support myself.

With a prayerful heart, I searched within and found support. Awareness allowed for a true evaluation and I began trusting myself, more than I ever have. It was my chapter on Trusting My Intuition. And as I seemingly felt alone, I saw there were friends by my side, encouraging and supporting me. Discovering that when I really listen, pay attention and ask for support, I find it.

The Next Chapter:

A New Journey with Maggie Christopher, Holistic Nutrition Counselor

Her card has been floating around my house, from one junk drawer to another for the last 3 years. Referred to me by my acupuncturist, I held on to the card, trusting my intuition that when I was ready, she'd be the one to help me get there.

I had a free consultation with Maggie on Tuesday, January 14, 2014 and created this video blog about the experience. The great news is we will be working together starting February 25 and I'm very thankful!

With love, Jan

Year of Support, Rock Climb & Video Blogging

2014: The Year of Support

Today I learned how to Rock Climb at Vertical Endeavors, I was doing something I never thought I could do and I did it!

To capture the emotions of asking my body to support me in this physical way, I created my first video blog. While it doesn't contain any "live rock climbing action" I'm proud that I approach this journey and the idea of doing something I never thought I could.

With Love, Jan