The Eve of My 20 Month Anniversary

20 Month Anniversary

Hard to believe, (though I know it is true), that my life changed 20 months ago. That I became more of the woman I am today, by making the choice I did then. And that my journey was meant to be exactly how it is; beautiful, compassionate, authentic and healing. That I was meant to journey in, to travel on and that this journey too had a mission: to safe my life! It isn't too often that I truly acknowledge how far I've come, where I've been and the beauty that has stepped forward in each chapter of this journey. I found my courage underneath the weight I carried and this connection changed my life forever.

It’s interesting on this eve of my 20 month anniversary that I find myself sitting in my backyard, listening to the birds sing and basking in the evening glow of the sunset, that I find myself in a different space than I have been with other anniversaries. Something shifted after my 1 year anniversary, I realized I was 100 pounds lighter and breathing more deeply. Yet, I became afraid of the power I held within myself, because if it meant I could do this, then what else was I in store for? 

I found myself hibernating through the winter months. Coming inward and connecting with the deeper work that my soul was ready to embrace. Yet, there were old messages that began repeating and I somehow began to doubt what I’d done, what I was doing and what I wanted to do – mostly, I doubted myself. That pattern of self-doubt continued to play itself out and I continued to recognize it and rather than trying to do something with “it” I practiced staying still. Noticing the triggers that brought me inward and the activities I could do to help heal it. 

The Honoring

Beginning my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment on Feb 25th, allowed me to be even more connected with my journey and myself (today is day 85!). With each moment I shared, I began finding my way back to myself. The videos became a way for me to communicate from my heart and with each week that passed, I found self-compassion overflowing.

Earlier this week, I felt the pull to find a way to honor this anniversary, not just to share the photos, no, much deeper than that, to share my heart.

If a part of me hadn't believed in myself then; 

I wouldn't be here today. 

If a part of me hadn't thought, “yes, you can do this;" 

I wouldn't have done it. 

And if a part of me hadn't trusted in the power of healing; 

I wouldn't find myself moving from surviving to thriving.

It took a series of choices to get where I am, ounces of courage to love the darkness that I use to avoid and loving curiosity to explore. So on this eve of my 20 month anniversary, I don’t know what I weigh or the difference of my body's measurements. (Stepping away from the scale during my 100 Day Journey has been one of the best gifts I've given myself.)

Though what I do know is that I weighed more when I was hiding from issues in my life, than I do now when I lean into them. I do know that I have an amazing capacity for energy that flows from a place so happy to be alive. And I know that as I write, I.AM.PROUD! Proud of myself. Proud of my body. Proud of the choices I made and the courage it takes to continue journeying. And Proud of living my life more authentically. 

With Love, Jan