5: Maybe Not Tonight

Keeping my promise to write seemed easier this morning,

But maybe not tonight

 

I wanted to share pictures of the treats I baked for my sweetheart's birthday tomorrow

Then shame (or maybe it was something else?) came in.

And for some reason my laptop decided it didn't want to connect to the internet.

(Maybe it's a sign?)

So instead,

I am sitting at my husband's computer,

In a space that isn't mine

And I feel out of sorts.

And maybe this is how this post is supposed to go

(Honestly, I don't even want to share it on Facebook,

because it I don't think it is "good enough")

I haven't learned anything
and I'm not writing from a place of introspection

or positive reflection,

I'm just writing to write

It's uncomfortable

and even though I want to connect,

I just may have to accept that something different is needed,

just maybe not tonight.

Though at this moment

I don't need to figure it all out

(or any of it for that matter).

Rather, maybe this is just one those doors I acknowledge

and trust that when I'm ready,

I'll open it.

Just maybe not tonight.

 

 

*Update from the original posted time on 2/13 at 10:34 pm

I went to share this link of Facebook last night, thought I had and went to bed. This morning when I logged in, I noticed that it hadn't been shared. Maybe I wrote myself into a corner? Maybe putting this energy (the writer's block/unease) wasn't needing to go out there?

And though I want to re-write and repost this blog, I'm going to leave it. Because in the honest vulnberablity, where discomfort lies, there is beauty. And though sleep and time has allowed me to feel and think differently about last night, I appreciate that I remained committed to honor my choice to write each day. It wasn't the act of writing that was frustrating, actually it helped move the energy of frustation around a bit, it was that it didn't feel solid. Maybe this post was allowing me to reconnect, with me?
So today, as I reflect, I find that I'm quite grateful for this post, as it is also a day in the life of Jan and I love it!

With Love, Jan