Ok, so I've been paying really close attention to conversations and have found numerous (sometimes unexpected) mirrors placed before me. Words that express where I used to be and honoring of where I am today - a sense of being grounded in my experience like never before. And even as my weight has stabilized at 198 (+/-2 to 5 pounds) since December, something is happening with me and my body. Maybe it isn't just about the weight transformation or the hair cut? Maybe it isn't the only thing I'm noticing either?
2011 & Now
I begin with this picture, mostly because that seems like the safest and most reasonable place to start. These photos, side by side, both of me, yet one was taken years ago and the other just today. Looking at the physical attributes, I notice how my skin glows and the redness has faded. My chin is defined and even my nose has transformed some weight. And even though I'm wearing a scarf, I know my collar bone couldn't be seen. And my chest, (maybe the most painful piece), is no longer carrying heaviness in front of my heart. My eyes, hold wisdom, hopes and heart.
The earlier photo was a time of great challenge, a season of change. I was learning how to stand on my own two feet (yes, at age 29) for the first time in my life. I began feeling worthy of my own experiences and most importantly, my own feelings. And today, as I reflected on what the past few months have meant for me, I see that I am again learning how to stand on my own two feet. Now, though, rather than running away from what is hurtful, I'm trying (an continue to do so in the best way I know how) to support myself with each piece that comes my way. Finding my intuition beating with courage and love.
In this, both "me's" are searching, coming into the well of ourselves, looking for strength and hoping for support. Our shame brings us into the same place and because "we" (family? friends? society? my own thoughts) don't know how to talk about shame, I found myself being shameful about having shame. So I hid the shame in the best place I could, beneath food. Avoidance was the key to my success (but was it really?) Maybe on that day in July 2011, I realized it was no longer working. And by "it" I mean all of it. How I was approaching life. How I was (or wasn't) approaching my feelings. How I was so ashamed of my inability to conceive that I ate my way into a depression that only amplified the need for more distractions. How I ran when it seemed I had no other choice.
And maybe on that day, I allowed myself to know that I matter and deserve to live the life I want to. That it was up to me to support, love and honor my journey and if I continued to look for this from others, I would need to continue to do this (forever). And so I started learning (and continue to do so) that I make choices, with the best of my abilities, that I find support within and also ask to receive support from others when intuition guides me.
So how I do feel about these pictures? About looking back, even traveling to where I was in those times. Honestly, it's a bit painful (even as 3 years have passed) though, I also see courage and beauty. The most important lesson, one that I cherish deeply, is that, I allowed the mountain I made out of infertility to become my teacher. And even as my heart still longs to be a mommy, as it has since 2008, now though, I approach this (and everything else) from a different place.
(Even saying this brings me to tears) Then, at that time, I wanted a baby so much, because all I wanted to do was love and to pour my life into creating something beautiful and special. To nourish, support and watch them blossom. To willingly sit beside them as they cried, to acknowledge their feelings and allow them to navigate expressing each and every one. To provide gentle reminders of what is right and wrong and most importantly to say, "I am so proud of you." And I realize that it wasn't just a baby I wanted to do this for, in fact, (and maybe this is even more important) I wanted to learn how to do all of those beautiful things for myself.
So Dear Jan,
I am so proud of you! Let me say that again, so you really know, I am so PROUD of you! Opening up to your intuition and being willing to learn has opened your life in such beautiful ways. It wasn't easy because you were learning how to do all of this: Love, Support, Nurture and Explore for yourself, in the way that is most honoring of who you are. You discovered courage and strength, beauty and love. Uncovering mountains that seemed impossible to climb, realizing it's just one moment at a time. Finding inner wisdom and the love from God & the Universe to journey deeply. You asked for support and learned lessons from each teacher that came your way. You made mistakes, took time and reflected on how you'd do it differently. And even in those mistakes, understood there was a gift hiding in the wrapping of where you thought you gave up on yourself. As you've shared your story, rich and truthful healing has nourished the seeds of new creations and as you've blossomed, others have too! You are able to be with yourself and sometimes take a break. You are learning and with each season, you understand new growth, falling away and rebirth are part of your journey and I am so proud of you!
So when you say others are noticing something different with you, that's just them seeing what you're starting to see!
With Love, Jan
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