7: I Made A Choice

I Made a Choice

Turn OFF the television

Turn into self-reflection

I Made a Choice

This is only temporary

Silence has its place too

I Made a Choice

No more "This isn't how I want it to be"

More of "This is what I want"

Step forward into unknown

Intentionally practice 

Support discomfort

I Made a Choice

Write these words, in the moment

No resolution

More exploration

Every good story has a beginning, middle and end.
The conclusion, wrap-up, resolution allows myself to feel at ease
As if sitting in unknown, brings forward fear
And reminds me of the way things really are

I don't have it all figured out
And I say this (not to put my journey or myself down)
Maybe to claim this experience as mine
Granting permission for the still of a wintered silence

Everything (and I do mean everything) has a season.
A blossoming, life producing, falling away and hibernation.
Each phase exists and there is beauty and opportunities in each.

This winter I've felt it more - the hibernation.
It hasn't just been the cold or the snow surrounding my Minnesota home
Or the fact that I've just felt colder
Or that I have stabilized my weight
It's also been in the emotional exploration of my self journey

A dear friend recognized it (a gift I truly appreciated)
I was going along and became disconnected
Probably because I, in my preferred state, enjoy structure and certainty
This season of honoring the essence of the self

Trusting my intuition
A place where structure and certainty exist, yet only in the absence of it
And I entered this season knowing that there are things
Patterns  |  Thoughts  | Actions
That I no longer need to survive
Yet I find myself afraid of not having them.

What if I need (insert any number of the less than honoring things)
And in the, "What If's" I stirred up anxiety (and fear).
And then I pause, realizing what I've just done
I created an environment that isn't supportive of myself or my journey.

Because, honestly, I don't know if I will need food to comfort
Or if I will need to have a guarded heart to those I'm connecting with.

I don't know what the future holds
And while I have hopes and dreams for what I want to create,
The steps to get there will appear only in the right season


Looking back at this post and the last two, I asked myself, what have I learned?
Because the way I'm writing is different than how I've done it before.

I'm aware of the change, the discomfort, the raw, beautiful vulnerability.
And maybe that is the lesson?
Though, even in that I'm searching for some resolution to make this ok.
And I smile and say,

"I'm doing what I know to do - explore and share."

Realizing that maybe this is exactly as I've shared before.

With Love, Jan