6: The Thoughts of Motherhood

I wrote something earlier, though I'm not sure I want to share it. I'm thinking too much about what it might mean, afraid to put it out into the blogosphere, and that once it is out there I cannot take it back. It's the rambling of something I hear quite often in my head, a place I fall victim to and where I shame myself for having conflicting thoughts and feelings. So I deleted it and wrote this instead, still not sure I'm ready, yet more love is poured in and that's a good place to start.

I've talked a lot about my Journey With Infertility. 

About the years spent in silent suffering and how it felt to finally start coming out of the shame closet to say, "Yes this is something I want and it isn't happening."

Fertility is very personal, private and I thought those pieces needed to be shoved down to never be talked about. So I did that for a while, until it became a mountain of pain I could no longer see around and one day I chose to begin climbing it. I remember that day, sometimes so vividly that I shuttered into the space that fear created. 

And I do still think about it and even feel into it. I certainly have a different reason for wanting children than I did before. Yet there is a part of me (and I haven't been able to see it clearly yet) that wants to continue healing my body. To provide more love, more nourishment and less judgement, (maybe even find stability?) And in this space, I've thought about actually NOT carrying my child in my womb. That maybe there is some reason for this all happening and that it is my heart, not my head that keeps calling to me. That maybe my child, our children come from a different place of conception and are brought into this world by someone else. 

I actually reflect on that quite a bit, adoption that is. And though it isn't something I need to decide tonight or even tomorrow, I want to find a way to be in peaceful unknowing with my desire to mother. To allow for the limitless love from the universe to support what is best for my essential self and to trust. 

This is uncomfortable, though I've been uncomfortable in this space more than just today. I am indeed aware that my own desire to create isn't just limited to conceiving a child in my womb and that my desire to do so waivers, yet my heart to love and nourish remains. And as I head into a sleepy slumber, the only thing I ask for is allowing for clarity to come when the time is right and until then, to be patient.

With Love, Jan