8: My Anchor

As sun beams streamed through the window

I thought, "I wish I had a dog." 
"Why?"

"So I had an excuse to go outside for a walk."

"I'm fairly certain it doesn't take having a dog, to go outside for a walk."

A pause and thought, "that's quite true."

The morning went on and traveled into playful thought. 

The size of my hands came into focus.

(How this relates to having a dog, I do not know.

But there is something there, so let's explore.)

My Anchor

An engagement picture sits next to our bed.

We're both 22 and wanting to belong and be loved.
My hands were larger there, than they are today
(It's an odd thing to notice, I say)
And I remember people who said, "You're too young."

Though, it really didn't matter, my whole being was certain.

Now as we approach 10 years,

I've thought, "Maybe we were too young?
Maybe we didn't know everything that was in store for our relationship?"

Though, if given the choice,
Would I travel back in a time machine to let me, of 2004 know?

And would I say, "There is a lot you'll go through."

There have been moments when late night cuddles lasted til morning

Of laughing so hard our bellies hurt.

Heartaches when a lesson was to be learned

When infertility, job loss, life loss
Had us questioning if it was all worth it.

Though the times it hurt the most

Was when I questioned why anyone,
Let alone you, my partner,
Could love me.

When I feel unworthy, it isn't about you.

And when I ask why you love me,
It's me, hoping to see the navigational path to travel
That will reconnect me, with me.

Time and awareness reminded me
There have been times when I've asked so much of you.
Asked you to carry a heartache for a while, so I could breathe.
And you've sat beside me, hugged me, until it hurt a little less
And said "no."

I'm grateful for the "no's"
Because you knew, in the special way you do
That there is something for me to learn
And providing the temporary relief wouldn't actually do me any good.

You did say "yes" to loving me, to being by my side
And you said yes to forgiving me when I couldn't face a piece of my soul
Your guidance anchored me into the experience
 Allowing me to find my way back, to me.
And you didn't do this by impeding rules
No, it was with a silent, patient heart

Now as we continue to journey,
And as you face the spaces where lessons of the heart blossom
I want to try, to be along side of you, loving and supporting, encouraging and trusting

Because in our relationship, it comes back to this...

When one is floating, they are anchored to the other
And though the ropes may stretch and the winds pick up
There is safety to journey
Knowing where the heart belongs

And when darkest of nights and brightest of days come our way

I trust we will journey to where we are meant to be

So to my anchor, the partner I choose.
Thank you for the beautiful vulnerability

For the sacred space
And for our journey of the heart.

With Love, Jan