The First Day!

I posted my first 10 second video to giveit100.com and discovered there were more words I wanted to say. Though it also felt quite special, a unique community of people just wanting to do something more in their lives and exploring the journey day by day. It's exiting to be part of something so organic and inspired.

The Day Before Tomorrow

Tomorrow I begin my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, check out my vlog on why I'm doing this, what I'm excited about and what I hope to achieve.

In my Friday post, I shared my Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey which I originally wrote to provide to my support team. As I was writing it, I realized that while it was important to share with others, it was deeply important for me to connect with and breath into this journey. There are so many things that I'm excited about in this journey and a few pieces I know I'll need support on and I look forward to sharing all of it.

15: I'm Trying

Everyday I set a positive intention for my day and for the last few months carrying it with me does support the areas of my life I'm working on. And by working, I really mean being more honest and open.

Today's intention:

I accept all of my emotions and can express them appropriately when the occasion arises. 

(I was going to start this next paragraph off by saying, "people that know me now, may not see this as an obstacle for me." And then I was going to say something about "people that have known me for years, one's that have known me in my darkest, might just agree that this is something I can improve on." And then I realized, even as others may think these things, acknowledging where I am at matters most. The progress I've made and the plans I am choosing to foster growth and healing honor this intention.

In the course of the last few years, how I express my emotions has shifted and I fully support this evolution. I've become more honest with myself, holding true that I am continuously learning. Starting where I could, I began unpacking compartments of my emotional life that I was choosing to say, "I'm ready for this now" and in this, I began deconstructing the boundaries I use to need. 

And then there are other pieces, parts of my journey that I'm not yet ready to talk about, to even acknowledge my feelings with and sometimes silence is the only way I can communicate. Because somewhere between trying to do what is most honoring for me and following an old pattern, I find myself stunned into inaction. So I choose, silence.

And though it may look like I'm ignoring quite a bit from an outsiders perspective, inside I'm working hard to acknowledge my feelings, make a choice and release old patterns, while being empathetic and compassionate with others. This is a delicate balance for me, between empathy and acknowledgement. And because of this, I sometimes sit afraid to take any action. Knowing full well that even doing that, standing still, is an action. So how do I say to those engaged in my life that sometimes I do this? How do I ask for empathy and compassion, when I myself, am struggling? And, how do I say, I'm trying? 

With Love, Jan

14: When I Eat

Tonight

I write with a quiet heart

The massage I had today 

Brought me here

And as I released

That which I no longer need

Tears and laughter came

An afternoon nap settled me

With my orange tabby cat cuddled by my side

I slept and healed

Woke up with a hunger I didn't know how to feed

Though rather than take notice

Food was the choice I made and I justified each bite with "I'm hungry."

Though was I really?

Slowing down would have allowed me to notice

To enjoy each bite, to honor the nutrients and to feel when I was full

But that wasn't what I did

And even as I ate I knew

There's a better way to feed myself

Caught somewhere between

Making a choice and following an old pattern

Trying to observe

Confusion fogged

And there I sat

Even posting this

Admitting that my commitment to honor my body was set aside

Because something needed breathing or love or honoring

Though here I am

I feel disappointed, sad and shameful

And if all I can do tonight

Is share this

That is what I will do

With Love, Jan

13: Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

With 3 days until my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment begins on February 25, I wanted to proclaim my intentions, who is in my support team and what goals I hope to achieve. I’ll be exploring at deep, life changing levels, allowing for introspection, empathy, courage and compassion to be guiding lights.

My support team:

1) My nutritionist, Maggie Christopher

2) My life coach, Jasna Burza

3) My blogs, vlogs and my Giveit100.com videos (starting February 25th)

4) Friends

5) And, most importantly, me

My primary support resources, beyond myself, will be Maggie & Jasna, trusting in the sacred spaces we've created for exploration. As I explore, I hope that love and support can be sent my way by you. Entering into this journey, I fully acknowledge that the only person responsible for choosing to heal is myself, so when I share moments of joy, sadness, love, grief, shame or peace; all I ask of you, is to be compassionate and empathetic and allow me to share my stories, or to sit beside me in my fear about not being ready to share.

My Intentions for Sharing this Journey:

1) Be patient and compassionate in exploration

2) Foster self-love and self-forgiveness

3) Awaken moments of inspiration

4) Support myself in all situations

My Goals for my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment:

1) Post a 10 second video daily on Giveit100.com, Blog and Create digital art

2) Integrate beautiful foods necessary for life 

3) Attend to the messages my body communicates

4) Provide opportunities for love 
5) Cherish honesty and maintain an open dialogue with my support team

With Love, Jan

12: Lunch With Myself

My Lunch Space

For me, the time I spend with my lunch dates is a mini-vacation from the hustle and bustle of my work day. Our time is precious and the variety of conversations and connections are beautiful. Truthfully, I carefully select who I engage with, because for me, my lunch is a sacred space. Though, this isn't how it used to be. I remember sitting silently in my cubicle, hoping one day someone would ask me to go to lunch and say, "I'd like to get to know her better."

So I waited for a few years for my lunch life (and really my life) to begin, silently frustrated. And though I don't remember who my first intentional lunch date was, I started putting myself out there. Rather than waiting for someone to create what I wanted, I began creating it. I spent time noticing who I wanted to get to know, discovering the more I open became, the more beautiful friends I made.

Then, about 4 years ago I began brushing up against my comfort zone and honored my need to take it slow. My work world supports quarterly planning, so it seemed appropriate that my personal world could mirror this also. So I created Plan 1: ask one new person to lunch a quarter. At first it was like asking someone out on a date and even to this day when I ask someone new to lunch, I get a belly full of butterflies.

A year in I reflected on my plan. Months had became a new focus for me when I started setting my monthly intentions in September of 2011 and to honor this I created Plan 2: ask one new person to lunch a month AND schedule regular lunch dates.

Today

I still find joy in asking a new person to lunch and have discovered some amazing new friendships. And the recurring dates allow my lunch mate and I to connect, intentionally, at least once a month. With both of these, one can imagine, my lunch dating life is quite full. There is rarely a day that I don't have something scheduled and even when I ask a new person to lunch, it usually means finding something a few weeks out.

So today, I thought I'd try something different. I had lunch with myself, just to see if the same attention, compassion and love I cherish with my lunch dates, can be created for myself. I wrote this blog and recognized the depth at which my journey is leading me and how far I've come. And as I prepare for my upcoming 100 Days of Nourishment (beginning February 25), I find myself in a cycle of acknowledgement, standing still and release.

There are pieces sifting through my life and though part of me wants to blog about them, the other part wants to hold them even tighter. Needless to say, I'm exploring this on a deeper level and though it isn't written here, in words, it's presence in my life exists. And what I ask and hope for, is that as I navigate through this phase, that you, my supporters and friends, can allow me to do this in the most honoring way I can. Though most importantly, is that I honor when it feels right for me, I will allow the words to pour from my heart in a loving and healing way.

**And to think, all of that came from making a lunch date with myself! My reflection on lunch, is how important it is for me to connect with myself. Being wise, a plannned lunch date with myself is a good idea.

With Love, Jan

11: Standing Still

I'm a little challenged to blog tonight.

I opened a doorway into my healing and found myself brushing up against my comfort zone

And I want to honor the standing still.

Sometimes before moving forward

A pause

A deep breath 

A positive intention

Is everything the space requests.

And so tonight

This is where I am.

With Love, Jan

10. 101 Posts

Wow! Since the start of this blog in May 2012, I have published 101 posts.

Reflecting back, I remember wanting to set a monthly intention and that was it. Who knew I'd be able to write into experiences that have shaped my life? My journey with infertility, the depths of depression and how making choices in my life lead to me discover my strength. I didn't know then where this blog would go or where I'd journey, though I knew, even then, that something beautiful was starting. Supporting each post and the decision to share was simple to this heart of mine, yet it was my inner critic, my mind, that tried to stop me from brushing up against my boundaries, exploring the depths of life.

And tonight, as I write this, I find myself on the cusp of beginning a similar journey, one where trust in it's time and season will lead me on another beautiful journey of the heart. And I find myself thankful for the support, ability to write, willingness to share and deep interesting in growing. 

Thanks www.sensophy.com for this beautiful quote!

With Love, Jan

9.2: Where I Spent My Time Today

I continue be amazed and grateful that when I put energy out there, it comes back to me in beautifully, surprising ways. Yesterday I was considering releasing one of my favorite crafts, baking. It's something I've always loved to do and even now that I choose to eat meals free of gluten, dairy, refined sugar and corn, an afternoon spent in the kitchen, making a new recipe still ignites my passionate heart. I blogged about this experience last May in my blog about choices. Because honestly, I was feeling a bit guilty. Here I am choosing to eat certain foods and avoid others, while I bake in both worlds. I doubted my passion, even my gift for creating and it's lingered out there.

Today as I was setting my intention for the day, I came to honoring prosperity and living passionately. And no later did I receive 5 emails from friends asking for Cake Pops (my absolute favorite treat to make). I'm always honored when others ask me to create something that will make their day special. And no matter if it's a birthday, baby shower or a wedding, I always put One Main Ingredient into it, love.

So what does one do when they are passionate about two things that the mind says contradict each other? And is it only in my head (the answer is yes). My heart wants me to do things I feel good about and until the day making these treats for others feels anything other than that, I choose to follow my heart and bake.

So tonight I spent my time preparing for an upcoming Cake Pop order making a chocolate cake (that I ask my husband to taste). And I also sorted through my photos (there are plenty) of the Cake Pops I've created over the years and posted them on my baking blog: OneMainIngredient.blogspot.com and I'm so proud.

There was something (a big glob of doubt) stopping me from making movement in this area and the most honest thing I can do for myself and others is to step forward and notice how it feels. And tonight, as I head to bed, I'm thankful for the support as I honor what I love to do and balance out the thoughts that counteract it.

With Love, Jan

9: I Say Maybe

I noticed in the last few posts, that I begin many of my lines with "Maybe"

Why?
Because this word is allowing me to feel safe

Feeling like I can explore

Also feeling like I don't really have to commit to something if "Maybe" is surrounding it

So I'm going to challenge myself, to stop saying "Maybe"

There is no judgment on past posts
It's something I noticed and want to find another way to say what I need to say.

Reflection allows me to see that writing differently
More raw, unedited, less "perfect"

I have more freedom to explore
To play in the sandbox of creation
And to hope for a deeper meaning I am not yet able to see.

When I write in the forest

I only see the trees that immediately surround me

And that's as it should be

The "Maybe's" are a way to zoom out and see all the land surrounding me

Though maybe (there it is again), I am needing more of the earthy pines

Time to be in deeper forests where beams of light peak through the tall trees

To write about the details of each crisp pinecone
Or delicate blade of grass 
Or the moist mossy stone

And rather than pulling myself out,

I can choose to ground myself in

Just to see what happens

So I'll try

And maybe (that's the last one), I'll see things differently.

Thanks www.sensophy.com for this beautiful quote!

With Love, Jan

8: My Anchor

As sun beams streamed through the window

I thought, "I wish I had a dog." 
"Why?"

"So I had an excuse to go outside for a walk."

"I'm fairly certain it doesn't take having a dog, to go outside for a walk."

A pause and thought, "that's quite true."

The morning went on and traveled into playful thought. 

The size of my hands came into focus.

(How this relates to having a dog, I do not know.

But there is something there, so let's explore.)

My Anchor

An engagement picture sits next to our bed.

We're both 22 and wanting to belong and be loved.
My hands were larger there, than they are today
(It's an odd thing to notice, I say)
And I remember people who said, "You're too young."

Though, it really didn't matter, my whole being was certain.

Now as we approach 10 years,

I've thought, "Maybe we were too young?
Maybe we didn't know everything that was in store for our relationship?"

Though, if given the choice,
Would I travel back in a time machine to let me, of 2004 know?

And would I say, "There is a lot you'll go through."

There have been moments when late night cuddles lasted til morning

Of laughing so hard our bellies hurt.

Heartaches when a lesson was to be learned

When infertility, job loss, life loss
Had us questioning if it was all worth it.

Though the times it hurt the most

Was when I questioned why anyone,
Let alone you, my partner,
Could love me.

When I feel unworthy, it isn't about you.

And when I ask why you love me,
It's me, hoping to see the navigational path to travel
That will reconnect me, with me.

Time and awareness reminded me
There have been times when I've asked so much of you.
Asked you to carry a heartache for a while, so I could breathe.
And you've sat beside me, hugged me, until it hurt a little less
And said "no."

I'm grateful for the "no's"
Because you knew, in the special way you do
That there is something for me to learn
And providing the temporary relief wouldn't actually do me any good.

You did say "yes" to loving me, to being by my side
And you said yes to forgiving me when I couldn't face a piece of my soul
Your guidance anchored me into the experience
 Allowing me to find my way back, to me.
And you didn't do this by impeding rules
No, it was with a silent, patient heart

Now as we continue to journey,
And as you face the spaces where lessons of the heart blossom
I want to try, to be along side of you, loving and supporting, encouraging and trusting

Because in our relationship, it comes back to this...

When one is floating, they are anchored to the other
And though the ropes may stretch and the winds pick up
There is safety to journey
Knowing where the heart belongs

And when darkest of nights and brightest of days come our way

I trust we will journey to where we are meant to be

So to my anchor, the partner I choose.
Thank you for the beautiful vulnerability

For the sacred space
And for our journey of the heart.

With Love, Jan

7: I Made A Choice

I Made a Choice

Turn OFF the television

Turn into self-reflection

I Made a Choice

This is only temporary

Silence has its place too

I Made a Choice

No more "This isn't how I want it to be"

More of "This is what I want"

Step forward into unknown

Intentionally practice 

Support discomfort

I Made a Choice

Write these words, in the moment

No resolution

More exploration

Every good story has a beginning, middle and end.
The conclusion, wrap-up, resolution allows myself to feel at ease
As if sitting in unknown, brings forward fear
And reminds me of the way things really are

I don't have it all figured out
And I say this (not to put my journey or myself down)
Maybe to claim this experience as mine
Granting permission for the still of a wintered silence

Everything (and I do mean everything) has a season.
A blossoming, life producing, falling away and hibernation.
Each phase exists and there is beauty and opportunities in each.

This winter I've felt it more - the hibernation.
It hasn't just been the cold or the snow surrounding my Minnesota home
Or the fact that I've just felt colder
Or that I have stabilized my weight
It's also been in the emotional exploration of my self journey

A dear friend recognized it (a gift I truly appreciated)
I was going along and became disconnected
Probably because I, in my preferred state, enjoy structure and certainty
This season of honoring the essence of the self

Trusting my intuition
A place where structure and certainty exist, yet only in the absence of it
And I entered this season knowing that there are things
Patterns  |  Thoughts  | Actions
That I no longer need to survive
Yet I find myself afraid of not having them.

What if I need (insert any number of the less than honoring things)
And in the, "What If's" I stirred up anxiety (and fear).
And then I pause, realizing what I've just done
I created an environment that isn't supportive of myself or my journey.

Because, honestly, I don't know if I will need food to comfort
Or if I will need to have a guarded heart to those I'm connecting with.

I don't know what the future holds
And while I have hopes and dreams for what I want to create,
The steps to get there will appear only in the right season


Looking back at this post and the last two, I asked myself, what have I learned?
Because the way I'm writing is different than how I've done it before.

I'm aware of the change, the discomfort, the raw, beautiful vulnerability.
And maybe that is the lesson?
Though, even in that I'm searching for some resolution to make this ok.
And I smile and say,

"I'm doing what I know to do - explore and share."

Realizing that maybe this is exactly as I've shared before.

With Love, Jan 

6: The Thoughts of Motherhood

I wrote something earlier, though I'm not sure I want to share it. I'm thinking too much about what it might mean, afraid to put it out into the blogosphere, and that once it is out there I cannot take it back. It's the rambling of something I hear quite often in my head, a place I fall victim to and where I shame myself for having conflicting thoughts and feelings. So I deleted it and wrote this instead, still not sure I'm ready, yet more love is poured in and that's a good place to start.

I've talked a lot about my Journey With Infertility. 

About the years spent in silent suffering and how it felt to finally start coming out of the shame closet to say, "Yes this is something I want and it isn't happening."

Fertility is very personal, private and I thought those pieces needed to be shoved down to never be talked about. So I did that for a while, until it became a mountain of pain I could no longer see around and one day I chose to begin climbing it. I remember that day, sometimes so vividly that I shuttered into the space that fear created. 

And I do still think about it and even feel into it. I certainly have a different reason for wanting children than I did before. Yet there is a part of me (and I haven't been able to see it clearly yet) that wants to continue healing my body. To provide more love, more nourishment and less judgement, (maybe even find stability?) And in this space, I've thought about actually NOT carrying my child in my womb. That maybe there is some reason for this all happening and that it is my heart, not my head that keeps calling to me. That maybe my child, our children come from a different place of conception and are brought into this world by someone else. 

I actually reflect on that quite a bit, adoption that is. And though it isn't something I need to decide tonight or even tomorrow, I want to find a way to be in peaceful unknowing with my desire to mother. To allow for the limitless love from the universe to support what is best for my essential self and to trust. 

This is uncomfortable, though I've been uncomfortable in this space more than just today. I am indeed aware that my own desire to create isn't just limited to conceiving a child in my womb and that my desire to do so waivers, yet my heart to love and nourish remains. And as I head into a sleepy slumber, the only thing I ask for is allowing for clarity to come when the time is right and until then, to be patient.

With Love, Jan

5: Maybe Not Tonight

Keeping my promise to write seemed easier this morning,

But maybe not tonight

 

I wanted to share pictures of the treats I baked for my sweetheart's birthday tomorrow

Then shame (or maybe it was something else?) came in.

And for some reason my laptop decided it didn't want to connect to the internet.

(Maybe it's a sign?)

So instead,

I am sitting at my husband's computer,

In a space that isn't mine

And I feel out of sorts.

And maybe this is how this post is supposed to go

(Honestly, I don't even want to share it on Facebook,

because it I don't think it is "good enough")

I haven't learned anything
and I'm not writing from a place of introspection

or positive reflection,

I'm just writing to write

It's uncomfortable

and even though I want to connect,

I just may have to accept that something different is needed,

just maybe not tonight.

Though at this moment

I don't need to figure it all out

(or any of it for that matter).

Rather, maybe this is just one those doors I acknowledge

and trust that when I'm ready,

I'll open it.

Just maybe not tonight.

 

 

*Update from the original posted time on 2/13 at 10:34 pm

I went to share this link of Facebook last night, thought I had and went to bed. This morning when I logged in, I noticed that it hadn't been shared. Maybe I wrote myself into a corner? Maybe putting this energy (the writer's block/unease) wasn't needing to go out there?

And though I want to re-write and repost this blog, I'm going to leave it. Because in the honest vulnberablity, where discomfort lies, there is beauty. And though sleep and time has allowed me to feel and think differently about last night, I appreciate that I remained committed to honor my choice to write each day. It wasn't the act of writing that was frustrating, actually it helped move the energy of frustation around a bit, it was that it didn't feel solid. Maybe this post was allowing me to reconnect, with me?
So today, as I reflect, I find that I'm quite grateful for this post, as it is also a day in the life of Jan and I love it!

With Love, Jan

4: Then & Now 2.0

Ok, so I've been paying really close attention to conversations and have found numerous (sometimes unexpected) mirrors placed before me. Words that express where I used to be and honoring of where I am today - a sense of being grounded in my experience like never before. And even as my weight has stabilized at 198 (+/-2 to 5 pounds) since December, something is happening with me and my body. Maybe it isn't just about the weight transformation or the hair cut? Maybe it isn't the only thing I'm noticing either?

2011 & Now

I begin with this picture, mostly because that seems like the safest and most reasonable place to start. These photos, side by side, both of me, yet one was taken years ago and the other just today. Looking at the physical attributes, I notice how my skin glows and the redness has faded. My chin is defined and even my nose has transformed some weight. And even though I'm wearing a scarf, I know my collar bone couldn't be seen. And my chest, (maybe the most painful piece), is no longer carrying heaviness in front of my heart. My eyes, hold wisdom, hopes and heart.

The earlier photo was a time of great challenge, a season of change. I was learning how to stand on my own two feet (yes, at age 29) for the first time in my life. I began feeling worthy of my own experiences and most importantly, my own feelings. And today, as I reflected on what the past few months have meant for me, I see that I am again learning how to stand on my own two feet. Now, though, rather than running away from what is hurtful, I'm trying (an continue to do so in the best way I know how) to support myself with each piece that comes my way. Finding my intuition beating with courage and love.

In this, both "me's" are searching, coming into the well of ourselves, looking for strength and hoping for support. Our shame brings us into the same place and because "we" (family? friends? society? my own thoughts) don't know how to talk about shame, I found myself being shameful about having shame. So I hid the shame in the best place I could, beneath food. Avoidance was the key to my success (but was it really?) Maybe on that day in July 2011, I realized it was no longer working. And by "it" I mean all of it. How I was approaching life. How I was (or wasn't) approaching my feelings. How I was so ashamed of my inability to conceive that I ate my way into a depression that only amplified the need for more distractions. How I ran when it seemed I had no other choice.

And maybe on that day, I allowed myself to know that I matter and deserve to live the life I want to. That it was up to me to support, love and honor my journey and if I continued to look for this from others, I would need to continue to do this (forever). And so I started learning (and continue to do so) that I make choices, with the best of my abilities, that I find support within and also ask to receive support from others when intuition guides me. 

So how I do feel about these pictures? About looking back, even traveling to where I was in those times. Honestly, it's a bit painful (even as 3 years have passed) though, I also see courage and beauty. The most important lesson, one that I cherish deeply, is that, I allowed the mountain I made out of infertility to become my teacher. And even as my heart still longs to be a mommy, as it has since 2008, now though, I approach this (and everything else) from a different place. 

(Even saying this brings me to tears) Then, at that time, I wanted a baby so much, because all I wanted to do was love and to pour my life into creating something beautiful and special. To nourish, support and watch them blossom. To willingly sit beside them as they cried, to acknowledge their feelings and allow them to navigate expressing each and every one. To provide gentle reminders of what is right and wrong and most importantly to say, "I am so proud of you." And I realize that it wasn't just a baby I wanted to do this for, in fact, (and maybe this is even more important) I wanted to learn how to do all of those beautiful things for myself.

So Dear Jan,

I am so proud of you! Let me say that again, so you really know, I am so PROUD of you! Opening up to your intuition and being willing to learn has opened your life in such beautiful ways. It wasn't easy because you were learning how to do all of this: Love, Support, Nurture and Explore for yourself, in the way that is most honoring of who you are. You discovered courage and strength, beauty and love. Uncovering mountains that seemed impossible to climb, realizing it's just one moment at a time. Finding inner wisdom and the love from God & the Universe to journey deeply. You asked for support and learned lessons from each teacher that came your way. You made mistakes, took time and reflected on how you'd do it differently. And even in those mistakes, understood there was a gift hiding in the wrapping of where you thought you gave up on yourself. As you've shared your story, rich and truthful healing has nourished the seeds of new creations and as you've blossomed, others have too! You are able to be with yourself and sometimes take a break. You are learning and with each season, you understand new growth, falling away and rebirth are part of your journey and I am so proud of you!

So when you say others are noticing something different with you, that's just them seeing what you're starting to see!

With Love, Jan

3: The Plan

Poem: The Garden Rooms

It's about setting a hope out into the world, Just to see what happens

A few are easy and already starting to blossom Though that's the best place to start, right?

Because the others, well, they pull on the heart or maybe the head?

And I find the seedling has only been planted.

Wanting the experience to be meaningful, trying to find a way to share what is real

The beautiful vulnerability and trust that my own feelings of shame are a choice

And if I think there must be no other way, then that is what I will create

Painted into a corner, Seemingly no way out, Though this is my room

The choice to venture in, to escape, to ignore, Are all mine

Maybe today I just acknowledge the room? Stand outside in the hallway and breathe

Maybe in the next day (or week or month) Or really, however long it takes

I'll take out the key, Conveniently located in my heart

And I'll open to the memories, the emotions, the gifts

And should I feel corned, remind myself,  Just as I chose to be here, I can choose to leave

When the time is right, I'll know it, 

Just as my seedlings blossom only when they've received nourishment of

The sun, the shade, The earth, the protection, They will grow

My intuition will only lead me into a room prepared with nourishment of

Support and love

The Plan

When a challenge, presented with love, comes my way, momentum is sparked. Doorways that weren't there, or were at least those that were closed, are opened and new opportunities for me to learn come in. I find more willingness to explore and play in the sandbox of creation and when the idea of sharing for 15 days came in, I accepted the challenge. 

Anyone who knows me, understands (and accepts) my love for organization and paying attention to details. And while structure is appreciated, it is sometimes an excuse for safety or a derailer when it's not happening as planned. With this being the 3rd post, I found myself wanting to capture the broader picture of my creative work, this calendar now travels with me to support this. My plan (which my structured self loves) is to write down notes in my day and to take notice of moments that are truly beautiful (which my heart appreciates), to acknowledge the gifts and when it comes time to write, these are my inspiration.

So today (before this whole calendar idea came in) I found myself jotting down notes on pieces of paper. Is this how other writers do it? It felt right, so I went with it. Jasna, my Life Coach asked me to pay attention to any books, music, websites and conversations that came my way and pay attention I did. 

I began reading: I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) by Dr. Brené Brown, exploring shame and how it often keeps us from telling our own stories, silencing our voices and secrets out of the fear of disconnection. Read more in Integrative Nutrition by Joshua Rosenthal, appreciating that I read beyond the heavy (heady statistics) of the first chapter. Finding the heart of the book I connect with the most, "by learning to listen to your body and developing an understanding of what foods it needs and when it needs them, you will discover what is best for you." And though I've come along way in picking up these signals in my own body, honoring what gluten & dairy do to my body (migraines and intense stomach aches), the potato chips, Enjoy Life Chocolates and even the unsalted nuts are sending me signals and truth be told, I've been ignoring them for the last few weeks (ok, months) (there, now that I've gotten that out of my shame bucket - I can move forward). I also took action on some other beautiful pieces that I'd been sorting out in my head (heart was ready) and signed up for a class at Green Lotus Yoga & Healing Center that peaked my interest. And as I sat across from my lunch date today, I saw the mirror reflected, my journey and truly how far I've come. Their words of encouragement, support and honoring all of it reminded me how beautiful life is with all of the seasons. Seasons of birth, growth & vibrant life, falling away and beginning again. And now, as I head into my next season, my ignited passion allows me to embrace even more, to welcome life, the moments and find peace and clarity in the gifts of love.

With Love, Jan

2: Writing to Write

15 Days of Sharing

Today I found a break in my day to write and while I didn't know if I could "get into the zone" in such a short amount of time, I found that indeed I could. All I needed was a little space and I soon found myself diving into something beautiful, a place that I could have easily ignored. 

12:43 pm - 1:02 pm

Sneaking in word creation and thought exploration before work world beacons me to return. Not sure how dedicated or deep I can go, though I thought, "I'll never know if I don't try." That seems to be my motto (maybe mantra or intention is more fitting?), because when it comes down to it, if it's truly something I've never done before, how can I with full absolution know I can't do it? The answer is, I can't. So I make a choice, give it a try and see how it goes.

Poem: A Break In The Day

See me, this continual learner.

Though not measured by a degree or title,

My learnings of life and love and myself

Come from the support of, well, God and the Universe.

Here on this earth to honor my voice, once stifled with fear.

This heart sings rather loudly when passion is ignited and it's up to me to share the songs.

No one else hears them, at least not how I do.

And if I keep them pushed under ruble, what gifts will be missed?

So I'll try, even if it's me doing this for 10 minutes out of my day, I'll try.

Write... about confidence (and the places where I "think" my way too deeply into "thinking I don't have enough")

Write... about truth (and the places I hide if all is revealed too quickly)

Write... about happiness (and the balance needed, found only in honoring all emotions, not just the fluffy ones)

Write... about all the pieces of my soul that I love (and the pieces that I work to love a little more)

This Writer's Heart

No longer waits for wings of inspiration to lift me above the ordinary to see the extraordinary.

No longer says, "oh, I only write when..."

Craving freedom, perspective and passion, as the page fills with details,

I remember words matter less, it's the action.

It's walking the walk and talking the talk. (Sure, that lines been said before, it was maybe even an elementary school motto I heard growing up in my central Minnesota home).

Though it's true isn't it?

That if I want others to be inspired,

to honor their essential selves,

to break out of the cages of conformity

to stop hiding,

to know they are beautiful, whole and wise

Then I, here and now must do the same.

Write... about being vulnerable (here's where the truest healing is found)

Write... about running in (or away from moments)

Write... about choosing to labor through the birth of a new creation (knowing it comes when it is ready)

The Labor of Creation

We enter this world when we are ready.

Not when the woman whose womb we've been nurtured in says so.

No, we come when it is our time.

And even though my physical body hasn't conceived and given birth,

I have indeed birthed many creations.

And these creations didn't happen at times of convenience, rather they came when they were ready (and some part of me was ready too!)

My creations entered the world and it's up to me to support them.

Sleepy nights brought forward the dream of me laboring a new creative project (and truly a gift to myself).

As I felt into the experience, the pulls and pushes, the breaths and waiting - the trusting.

Hidden in a basement (where it would seem, in my dreams, the deeper healings occur)

There were people and when recognition came, it wasn't who I thought it would be.

Aware that their presence was of comfort and support in dream life, in waking life, it was the polar opposite.

It's weird how dreams switch these around, how the hurts or mistrust can shift to reveal something new.

Maybe, the gift in this dream, is that I got to see how deep down they care?

And maybe though our waking life interactions feel frail, there is something there?

This dream, it allowed me to see the gift. That had it not been for the waking day experiences and feelings of inadequacy, I wouldn't have been able to conceive and labor through to deliver a new and beautiful creation. And maybe (alright, really) I wouldn't have been able to without them.

Write... about being grateful (even for feelings of having been hurt)

Write... about what one does with the details of a quieted heart (in the waking life of the day)

Write... about how inspiration and creation can come (especially from something ugly and hurtful)

Write... about when humanity and compassion (or the lack there of, throws me into myself, that I thud in the basement of my darkest space and it's up to me, to find my way out and see what it really is, a gift)

Write... about how sometimes it's all I can do (to write these words and say thank you)

With Love, Jan

15 Days of Sharing

Today I met with Jasna Burza, a Life Coach in the Twin Cities area. I continue to be amazed (though now, really it's more about being grateful) that when I ask for support and follow my intuition, I find the support is there. It may take time, though I continue to trust that as I approach new opportunities, I will find something beautiful. I found Jasna through a friend. Here and now I want to thank this friend for reaching out to Jasna when they did, for being courageous to transform and to share this journey with others.

My Heart Was Glowing

Arriving with self-awareness, hoping for clarity, trusting truth and substance would surround our conversation, we discussed the preliminary worksheet I'd completed. As the creations of living a life filled with courage, vulnerability and exploration began taking shape, I felt my heart glowing. I understood in those few brief moments why people have life coaches and when the time is right, you know it, so go for it!

Our time together was exactly as I'd expected, even though I really had no expectations. There are spaces inside of myself, that I found more willingness to explore and I could feel the support beaming through. If anything, I knew I'd come away with an understanding of my untapped potential and if I had someone to walk beside me and encourage me to reach my goals, even better.

Supporting My Passion: Let Me Write!

This blog has remained a sacred space for sharing my journey. Ringing with true beauty, I commit to making more time to share, explore vulnerabilities, support my gifts and honor my essential self. Writing was a shimmery star in our conversation today, a space where my heart glow surges with electric life giving energy.

As our session was winding down, I realized how life coaching is my opportunity to transform at deep levels. The more willing I am, the more beauty and lessons of love I'll learn. Jasna saw my potential, though most importantly, I saw it too. Gleaming with beauty and seeing my dreams breath new life and transform from living in my heart to become the foundation of my life. Our souls were meant to meet here, learn something and travel forward together.

Wait, There's Homework

This was one of those pieces I hadn't thought about, though part of me is glad I hadn't. Rather than the usual papers I did in high school or college to receive a passing grade from a teacher about a topic I may have cared very little about. This homework is my gift to future me, a way to set goals and either reach them or find a new way to measure and approach them. Turns out I may not be learning from a college and in pursuit of a masters degree, rather, I'm learning with the universe, receiving a degree in confidence, self-awareness and transformation.

Presented with love, my homework is to share my journey via a daily Blog and/or Vlog for the next 15 days. I'll be the first to admit, when Jasna first suggested this, my heart started racing, my eyes grew large and the first thing that struck me was, can I actually do this? 

I took a moment, those responses were fear based, taking a deep breath, I recognized I had 2 choices, either allow them to be the truth or to give it a try and see how it goes. My homework is supporting all of the things I want:

to write more,
to share my journey of transformation and
create movement in my life. 

Once I realized acknowledgement of my inner critic and my feelings was an essential step, I saw how this homework will teach me a lesson. With ignited passion, courage standing by and my inner guidance supporting each word, here I go.

Why 15 days? 

Beginning on February 25th, I begin my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment with Maggie Christopher. We will meet every other week around my holistic nutritional journey, allowing doors to be unlocked with the Eight Universal Metabolizers: (see: The Slow Down Diet on my Books page for details)

• Relaxation
• Quality
• Awareness
• Rhythm
• Pleasure
• Thought
• Story
• the Sacred

So let's call the next 15 days a preview into this 100 day journey, where I'm making time for blogging, trusting my intuition and honoring my essential self on this beautiful journey.

Jasna affirmed: follow your intuition and trust the support for right action will always be there. 

With Love, Jan