In November of 2008 I made a wish to become a mommy!
Every room of the house had a purpose, with the exception of one. The middle bedroom felt empty and soon I imagined the beautiful children that would occupy the room. Filled with a purpose, I began focusing on creating a new life to live in our hearts and home.
As the months passed, my wish wasn't coming true. I started reading any book to try and understand why. Yet as another pregnancy test indicated I wasn’t pregnant, my level of concern raised. If I wasn't pregnant, then not having a monthly cycle certainly would decrease my chances of conceiving.
After several months I visited a doctor and walked away with the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. As I sought to accept the truth of this diagnosis, I carried broken pieces of my heart. Something was wrong with me, I couldn't fix it and it was stopping me from having something I wanted, children. I became self-conscious, sensitive and sadness filled my heart and home.
The bedroom sat empty with its unfilled purpose, the room became everything I couldn't have in my life. The depression symptoms began to affect my ability to participate in life. I fell into a deep pit and stayed there, for a long time. I finally recognized I needed help and began seeing a therapist. Our work together started helping me acknowledge my unexpressed feelings and mourn the loss of my dream.
As friends and family announced their pregnancies, I became increasingly aware that I was trying to balance something inside of myself. A huge part of me had sincere happiness for each new life and the other part was trying to figure out how to sit beside my sadness of unfilled dreams. There was a significant amount of time where my best and only plan was to avoid being around anyone who was pregnant. It wasn't an easy choice, however I literally felt so much pain being with them, choosing to not be, at least allowed me the opportunity to choose which dose of pain I would receive.
After several months I visited a doctor and walked away with the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. As I sought to accept the truth of this diagnosis, I carried broken pieces of my heart. Something was wrong with me, I couldn't fix it and it was stopping me from having something I wanted, children. I became self-conscious, sensitive and sadness filled my heart and home.
Unfulfilled Dream
Rather than appreciate other areas in my life, my energy shifted and a cloud loomed. Unable to face the pain, I retreated into a world of the dark. Days of sorrow screamed in my head and the simple act of getting out of bed became overwhelming. Life seemed to take too much energy to participate in. My social life shriveled and in my attempt to drown out the screaming pain I ate, I shopped, I did anything to give me a quick fix. I'd then punish myself with a shame spiral after I'd look at my weight or at receipts. I felt even worse, because I had found yet another area of my life that I couldn't "do right." I began to believe that the only thing that would bring me out of my sadness was to create life.The bedroom sat empty with its unfilled purpose, the room became everything I couldn't have in my life. The depression symptoms began to affect my ability to participate in life. I fell into a deep pit and stayed there, for a long time. I finally recognized I needed help and began seeing a therapist. Our work together started helping me acknowledge my unexpressed feelings and mourn the loss of my dream.
As friends and family announced their pregnancies, I became increasingly aware that I was trying to balance something inside of myself. A huge part of me had sincere happiness for each new life and the other part was trying to figure out how to sit beside my sadness of unfilled dreams. There was a significant amount of time where my best and only plan was to avoid being around anyone who was pregnant. It wasn't an easy choice, however I literally felt so much pain being with them, choosing to not be, at least allowed me the opportunity to choose which dose of pain I would receive.
Power Of Purpose
I was frozen in life, yet time continued to move past me for two and a half years. My state of depression stopped me from simply living. In April 2011 I attended a 5-week training session called The Power of Purpose at work. It allowed me time to unearth my purpose:
In the 3rd week of training, I sat in a room with 25 other coworkers and opened up. As I continued to go deeper into understanding the importance of creating life, words welled in my heart. The trainer continued to create a safe environment, encouraging my coworkers to support me as I opened the doorway to the pain. I recognized how this desire had become a mountain I couldn't climb and that I literally felt as if I would leave this earth if I didn't have children. The room flooded with support as I found clarity. Later many coworkers thanked me for my bravery, I thought, "that wasn’t bravery, it was necessity!"
To Dance with my intuition, Following my happiness,
Creating a world I treasure.
It also allowed me time to explore the barriers that stopped me from getting what I want. While many of my coworkers connected with their job goals, I explored my want for children and family.In the 3rd week of training, I sat in a room with 25 other coworkers and opened up. As I continued to go deeper into understanding the importance of creating life, words welled in my heart. The trainer continued to create a safe environment, encouraging my coworkers to support me as I opened the doorway to the pain. I recognized how this desire had become a mountain I couldn't climb and that I literally felt as if I would leave this earth if I didn't have children. The room flooded with support as I found clarity. Later many coworkers thanked me for my bravery, I thought, "that wasn’t bravery, it was necessity!"
Creating a Life
This was the first time that I found words to express my sadness or my desire to become a mother. Before this, even being asked if we had children would set me back days. Embracing the pain and this part of my life allowed me to move forward, recognizing the mountain that had once stood in my way was now a part of my journey.
And now today, as I reflect on what a difference a year can make, I find myself sharing words and am so proud. I’m no longer cloaked in sadness and rather than having days, weeks or months spent in the dark, I have moments of bliss and gratitude that I embrace.
Do I still desire to be a mother? Yes.
Do I believe that becoming a mother is the only thing that can bring me happiness? Not at all!
For so long this was all I believed, but now it has transformed into a knowing that while it will bring me happiness, it's not the only thing that can create a happy life. I’ve begun creating a life that brings me happiness.
Do I believe that becoming a mother is the only thing that can bring me happiness? Not at all!
For so long this was all I believed, but now it has transformed into a knowing that while it will bring me happiness, it's not the only thing that can create a happy life. I’ve begun creating a life that brings me happiness.
Maybe it was my willingness to talk about the things that once made me sad? Maybe it was allowing myself to love other's children? Maybe it was cuddling with my Godson for hours that helped melt the icicles from this heart? Maybe it was having a great conversation with a friend as her newborn son fell asleep in my arms? Or maybe it was sitting with another friend whose wish to become a mother hadn’t yet been granted, knowing that our pain is both real and ours. And maybe, it all has something to do with being able to recognize and appreciate what I have and stop waiting for things to happen and create a life worth living.
And this is why I started the Inspiring Happiness Project, as a way for me to continue exploring long lasting happiness. My other hope is that by continuing to share my experience, others will be encouraged on their healing journeys.
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