The Waves of Infertility

My Heart Children

    Time often passes where I don't even think about my journey with infertility or that my body isn't able to create a human life right now. It is as if the many things I have created (Inspiring Happiness Project, O.M.I. Life, Body Transformation, and my Baking Blog) have filled my life with a glow of purpose.  
    It is true that these seeds of inspiration were planted in my soul and with nourishment they grew and one day, when the time was right, I labored through delivery and brought them into the world. Anyone who has ever created something with every fiber of their being knows how awakened, rejuvenated, and alive you feel. Labors of love are like that and my creations have become my Heart Children, my family. They are parts of me that are growing, wanting space in this world to be loved, cherished and given the chance to blossom.
    I am proud of my Heart Children. Amazed at how these little seeds have grown with beauty and have allowed me to reclaim my voice. I want to be a good parent, to stand beside my children proudly, support them when they grieve and let them become what they were meant to be. My hope is that these creations of my soul inspire others to reach inside and create their heart's desire. 

The Infertility Space

    But then sometimes, the Desire  |  Idea  |  Obsession comes to me and my Heart Children cannot fill the empty space (nor could they, nor do I want them to) because the truth is, these children weren’t created to fill this space; they were created to make space. Nevertheless, when I open to this empty space, it surprises me and I feel the waves crashing over me. 

    I feel the desire for my husband and I to create something together. To feel my body transform as our child grows inside of me. For me to welcome our child into the world and to hold that precious one in my arms.  

    Then another crash of the waves come and I feel my desire to get as far away from this vast feeling space. I feel it every time someone shares their announcement of creation.  
    I feel it in my stomach, as my frustration rises and disappointment sets in.

    But today, in this moment I did something different, I gave myself permission to feel it all, to feel the vastness. Between the past, present and future. The feeling of nothing and of everything. Between taking action and standing still. The space between the breaths. Between the dreams that come when I wake and the life that happens when I sleep. All held in the intangible space; nameless, shapeless, without a beginning or an end. That it was the living, not the dying of ideas that stay here. 
    And I thought, maybe I don’t have to fill the empty space? And maybe I don't actually want to? Maybe, instead I want to let the waves come to me, rather than drown me. I want the beauty and honesty, after all that is what this space is. It isn’t something my mind can fabricate a story about. It isn’t a physical place I can visit, even if I wanted to. It follows me when I wake, it waits for me to see it, to feel it, to jump in and be willing. It’s the leap of faith, the unknowing knowing, the real dream, the dreamt life, it is everything and nothing and it lives here, in me.

What It Feels Like

    Since I no longer want anyone to take away my feelings (not anymore, not like I used to), my hope is that you can open your heart to respect that my journey with infertility can sometimes feel like someone who is mourning the loss of a loved one. And while I haven’t physically lost a baby, the idea of not having a healthy pregnancy and baby feels just as deep and real. .

     So for my friends and family who are expecting, understand that when you share your news, I feel this wave crash over and around me. Please do continue to celebrate and share, this is a wonderful time for you, just be gentle with my heart, because I may just pause for a moment. 
    Please understand this isn’t a reflection on you or the precious one you've created. This is me, taking a breath, trying to stay above the water and feeling into this vast part of myself. Please know that I am happy that this little one will come into the world and grow in your capable and loving hearts and homes.  And at the same time I feeling a wave of emotions.
    For my dear friends that also experienced infertility and now find your body creating life, I celebrate with you, just remember you were once where I was and I still need time.  

    And to those who are experiencing infertility or have experienced child loss. While I know we each have had our own experiences and the depths we each have gone to in grieving vary. But for you, the one thing I encourage you to do is talk about it. I kept it bottled up inside for so long, felt so alone and ashamed. I didn't think people would want to hear about my sadness. But as it turns out, it wasn't the sadness that people respond to, it is the truth in my experiences and that by showing up, I honor the part of me that wants to have a baby and the part of me that never may.

Inches Away

     In January I began exploring how I wanted to celebrate my body through movement by infusing light, love and vitality. In February I explored the judgements I had placed around my body transformation, including my willingness to exercise. 

 7 Year Old Me

     Growing up as a plus-size girl, going to gym class filled me with dread. Slowest to finish the 1 mile run and usually picked last for a team, I wasn’t faster or stronger than anyone else. The pull up bar and my arm strength didn’t align and the idea of climbing up a rope eluded me. I often thought an evil empire was out to get me by forcing me to participate in athletics. So one day I made a choice, "I just don't exercise." But there was something else, it wasn’t just the physical movements that raised my anxiety, it was the cruel word, “Fat.”

    What does a 90 pound 7 year old do? What do you say to someone who calls you fat? I didn't know what to do with the hurtful words or my inadequacies. I didn't know how to talk about my feelings and my internal cheerleader couldn’t “ra-ra-ra” me into knowing no matter what others say, "You're Beautiful.” Because the truth is, I didn’t feel beautiful, I felt unaccepted, unloved and I felt fat.   

    In my attempt to stop the pain - I'd eat. To find acceptance – I tried shaping my personality into what I thought others would like me to be. “Maybe if they couldn’t like me physically, maybe they’d like my personality.”  All along believing these two things could protect me. And that is how I lived most of my life, even into adulthood – emotionally eating, trying to please others, never acknowledging my own feelings and continuing to feel fat.

Reclamation

    How could I even begin to improve my physical body, when my emotional self needed love first? But all of the tears, the pain and the old patterns get to be reclaimed and healed. I eased into exploring how I wanted to improve my physical body with patience and support. "What do I really want my body movement to look like?" I came up with 4 ways of reclamation:  

Dance  |   Exercise at-home program  |  Low cost  |  Connect body, heart and soul

    Our library had several options for dance workouts and after trying them all, I found it: Yoga Booty Ballet. It met my criteria, plus it has a catchy name. Teigh and Gillian are fun, sometimes campy, always intentional instructors. Most importantly, my body delights in each movement. I love the fusion of cardio dances (Light and Easy, Latin Flavor, Go-Go, Bollywood, Burlesque, Hip-Hop), the core strengthening and connection of yoga and the sculpting beauty of ballet.

    Yes, the program promises a "lean, sexy body", but that isn't why I ordered it. I simply love how my body feels when I practice Y.B.B. It has become my reclamation! My transformation to change a belief that was so deeply engrained into knowing that “I really can exercise”. 

Body Measurements

    The Y.B.B. set included a body measurements card. At first I shuddered at the thought. So I took it slow – "why pressure myself into doing something I was already fearing and resisting?" In this waiting I grew to love the idea as another way to honor my body transformation. There was no need to look back with judgment for the food I’d eaten or exercise I avoided. Instead, I respected that my body helped me through it all. That it went along for the ride while I figured out how to begin emotionally healing. Turns out my body has been here all along waiting to be honored and loved.

    On February 28th, I let the pink, plastic measuring tape wrap around my left arm, took a breath and jotted down the number. As I measured the rest of my body I kept repeating my intention.

    A month later, I share these numbers with pride because they reflect the love I am showing my body through movement, strengthening and utilizing my One.Main.Ingredient… Love.

Chest: down 2 1/2"  |  Arms: down 1"  |  Waist: down 4 1/2"  

Hips: down 1 1/2"  |  Thighs: down 1 1/2"  |  Weight: down 7 pounds

    I was scared and concerned that if I blog about this, you may laugh at the size of my measurements. But that fear was little 7 year old me in gym class, staring up at the rope I'd never climb, being teased and feeling sad. I let her know it’s ok and that by sharing these numbers we can begin to heal, it is the most important thing her and I will do.

    It's been fun to notice the shape of my arms transforming, growing stronger so I can continue to write, draw and create. My legs becoming toned, allowing me to walk my path with dignity and joy. My waist, abs and booty continuing to transform with love and support, allowing me to trust myself as I continue on with this journey.

Officially 6

I Want To Feel Better

    6 glorious months ago, I took a leap of faith, trusted my instincts and committed to creating the life I wanted. The intention was simple: “I want to feel better.” Headaches and migraines were a weekly occurrence. Stomach issues occurred after each meal. Sleeping poorly, bouts of depression and my body size literally weighed me down. Because I didn’t feel well, the lack of energy left me disconnected from motivation. The things I really wanted to do seemed out of reach.

    But something beautiful happened. I found support (thanks Dr. Margaret). I created a platform for healing (thanks Inspiring Happiness Project). I discovered a way to journey towards feeling better and on September 21, 2012 with positive dedication, I began paying attention and honoring my whole self.

    I knew there would be bumps in the road and that when I had a “bad day” and wanted to eat fast food, I’d text my friend. I knew I could actually inspect my emotional eating habits. I knew I could change what and how I eat.

    What I didn’t plan for was that by changing what I ate, I would actually start feeling better after 3 weeks. That my food transformation would allow me to emotionally transform. That by blogging, I'd find support and continue to grow. And that today, 6 months later I'd greet the world 63 pounds lighter.

    And the best surprise is that after 6 months, what and how I eat has become a lifestyle for me. I discovered that all these parts of my journey (weight transformation, emotional healing, judging myself less, and Paying Attention) were connected by one very important thing... Love. That my One.Main.Ingredient for success is Love.

I FEEL Good

Like I Knew I Could

    Something happened today, I realized how truly good I feel. I've felt it before, but it just clicked, like a light switch. 
    There has been so much support for my emotional journey and my physical transformation. Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of myself and do a double-take. "Who is this gal? I think I recognize you, but it has been a while since I've seen you."
     But there she is, standing more aligned, beaming with pride and with 1/5th of July's body weight transformed (that's 60 pounds, now weighing 240), and I stop and look and see - it's me!

What we see, can be different than what we feel. 

    As so many people have complimented me along the way, I didn't quite know what to do. I had this awkward moment where I forgot that I had changed (yes, sometimes this happens), so I'd pause, remind myself they were complimenting me and say thank you.
    But what I wasn't allowing myself to do, was to actually enjoy the compliment, to let it soak in and accept it with a grateful heart. 
    So I started exploring why. Maybe it was because I can still name 10 things I'd like to change about my body? No, that wasn't it, it was something deeper, something that was barely recognizable - self-confidence. 
    Me and my body used to be in this love-hate relationship and after years, confidence dwindled down into a tiny speck. But I started to notice it growing, like a tiny seed, taking root into my heart. It wasn't just from the weight loss or the compliments, it was confidence growing for the entire journey I am on. 
    So last week when a coworker went out of their way to come up to me and ask in the politest way, "I don't know how to say this, but have you lost weight?"  
    I beamed with pride and said, "yes."  
    "Well you look amazing. Keep up the good work." 
    And this time it was different, I didn't have to try and figure out who she was talking to. I didn't have to find words to move past the compliment. Instead, I allowed myself to FEEL it. To hold the compliment as a precious jewel and to admit that "I FEEL Good."

I Started Believing "I Can't Change"

My Ego Wall

    It isn't this heart of mine that put up a wall, rather a part of me that wanted me to stop. It was asking for permission to keep the wall in place and wanted assurance that nothing more will change. After all, the changes I've made up until this point were some how "allowed," by my ego, but now, here's where it stops, here's where I started believing "I Can't Change."
    Did it start when I began really paying attention to how many "likes" I received on my Facebook posts? Or by checking my blog stats and seeing the numbers peak at over 200 views? I'm not sure? I sincerely love that support, but something happened. The numbers became a way for my ego to approve of these changes.
    But when I began exploring deeper issues, where I could have used support, I found myself brought to the wall believing, "I Can't Change." And even though my heart wanted to share, I just couldn't. Poems half written, drawings left unfinished, blogs sitting in the draft folder and I simply couldn’t get them out. It was painful and to even touch back on the vulnerable frustration it still is. 
    So, I blogged less, focused on other things and somewhere over the course of the last month, (maybe longer?!?), I lost site of the passion I had for Inspiring Happiness. I felt disconnected, clouded by judgments, critical of each move I made and aware that my heart was trying so hard to shine, but something was stopping it. I grew tired and my ego kicked in and started reminding me of all the reasons why I should just stop blogging, stop sharing and stop changing. And when I did, the "likes" on Facebook and blog stats decreased and my ego was bruised and I felt it.
    I kept trying to reassure myself that I just wasn’t ready to blog about the different parts of my ego. And maybe it's true. Maybe I really wasn’t ready. Maybe I had to come to terms with the reason I was fearful of standing behind my words. I had to understand what was really going on.
    Dark days set in as my heart and inspiration were left to fend for themselves in the shadows. The impulse to distract with food, shopping and anything else began writhing inside of me as I tried desperately to fight each urge.

 Ok, I Give Up

    And here’s where I would have jumped ship, thrown in the towel, called it quits. Where I would have said, “Ok, enough is enough. Obviously, I’ve changed as much as a I can and am happy, right?"
     Dr. Margaret sensed the wall as I continued to resist talking about certain topics. Even when we talked about how far I have come in last 6 months, our conversation lead into how tired I'd grown and maybe I've 'just reached a stopping point'. Sure, my ego loved hearing that. "See, even Dr. Margaret agrees."
    But this wall with the bricks of hurt and sadness, remnants of ended relationships and abandoned memories are all here. And now, I see the wall for what it really is. I've seen the dirt that grows in the crevices, the bricks that have been built up overtime and are stopping me from living to my full potential. And I've started to understand where the "I Can't Change," false believe came from and that it no longer aligns with my life.
    I don't know what is beyond the wall, nor will I just bring in a wrecking ball to knock it all down. But I have made a choice. I didn't give up, turn around or quit; I'm really doing this! Because the truth is, this journey is the most important thing I have ever done in my whole life and even though I don't know why or where it will lead, I trust it. And that actually, when I look back, "I have changed". I see myself with more delicate love. I am working on trusting. And now, when I show up in the world I share more authentic truth of spirit and that is beautiful.