"You'll Be Bright" Cloud Cult
Woke up this morning
Judgment on my mind
Feeling my heart left behind
Trying to sift through each thought
Recognizing the ones that get caught
All the things you'll love
Last week I began opening to the part of myself that distrusts. And the more time I spent with it, I found myself desperately trying to pry it open so that I could understand it. But a part of me stopped being willing, it slammed the door and flooded my space with judgments about me and my body, my journey with food, emotional eating, and healing.
All the things that may hurt you
In my flood of judgment this morning, I tried to find a life preserver. And as I found it I recognized this pattern as a battle between my heart and the part of myself I call the Red Queen.
All the things you shouldn't do
Last month, I began recognizing the old pattern with the Red Queen as I searched for a delicate balance. The part of me that needs to feel safe by controlling everything, including situations and my emotions. Even though this has been a part of my life, I am frustrated and
out of this frustration, I want a change.
And all the things you want to
How many times has this pattern stopped me from experiencing my emotions? Lashed out in anger? Been overwhelmed with jealousy? Blamed others for my insecurities? Ended relationships hastily? Or released a tyrant of judgments in my own mind?
They're calling your name...travel safely.
The Whole Truth: Judgments
I found myself losing sight of my success with my weight transformation and this morning I was flooded with judgments. "What have I really learned about food?" | "If I would have just had gastric bypass surgery, I would be at a smaller weight now." | "If I would just exercise, I’d lose more weight." | "If I didn't have so much to talk about, my healing with Dr. Margaret would go more quickly."
Every first kiss, every crisis, every heartbreak and every act of kindness...
They're calling your name...travel safely.
They're calling your name...travel safely.
The Whole Truth: It Will Be Alright
Through many people's support of my weight transformation, I keep being asked how I'm doing it.
There is no secret to my weight loss. I don’t count calories and if you asked me how many good fats are in avocados or why coconut oil works better with my body, I have no idea behind the science of it all.
What I do know is that the changes with my diet Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Refined Sugar-Free and Corn-Free have me feeling better. That by reading labels, making meals at home and accepting my relationship with food as it is: an emotional journey that needs to be loved and healed, I've been able to lose weight.
Every empire, every monument, every masterpiece and every invention
They're calling your name...travel safely.
In 2012, when my weight registered at 300 pounds, I made a choice and even though gastric bypass surgery was suggested, I chose not to have it. I was intentional about this choice, because I knew in my heart, I needed emotional healing to transform my weight.
What comes will come. | What goes will go.
Exercise is a word and activity I used to dislike. I didn't like sweating or moving in front of other people. I often pushed myself into doing something I truly didn't enjoy and soon began to dislike it. 
But last month something changed. In a surge of inspiration and motivation I checked out every dance workout DVD from the library and after trying them all out, I found it! The one that I not only love moving my body too, but feel connected to the process in this beautiful way. After no longer being able to renew the DVD, I finally ordered the Yoga Booty Ballet set. I didn't order it because it promises a "lean sexy body", because it came with an "Ab and Butt Makeover Guide" or because I want to be on a daily or weekly exercise routine. No, I ordered it because when I do the "dynamic fusion of yoga, booty sculpting, and cardio dance" my body and heart love it.
The wind will blow where the wind is blowing.
Let go of where you think you're going.
When my husband started seeing Dr. Margaret last month, my heart was thrilled. But my Red Queen was challenged last Wednesday when I came home from my healing session with Dr. Margaret. I had received a letter from my mother and it required a lot of time to explore my feelings. In this delicate time, as I continue to heal, my session was spent talking about these feelings.
We'll never know why it flows where it's flowing.
Usually when my husband and I have a session with Dr. Margaret we debrief on our experience. While I logically understand and realize we are different people, so the time we need and what we need to heal is and will be different.
When I got home and my husband asked how it went, I acknowledged it was slow and deep. And when he shared his experience, my Red Queen got angry at how my session appeared to be so slow in comparison to where my husband was at.
When I got home and my husband asked how it went, I acknowledged it was slow and deep. And when he shared his experience, my Red Queen got angry at how my session appeared to be so slow in comparison to where my husband was at.
We've always been what we will always be.
I'm so convinced we have to get there, we can part the sea...
But isn’t about anyone else, not my mother, my husband, or Dr. Margaret. It isn't about me comparing myself to anyone else, it's about me and my Red Queen, the part of me that is afraid to heal. And even though I am frustrated, I'm going to give her what she cannot give herself. I'm going to acknowledge her presence, seek to understand her, accept her and love her because that is the only way I will truly heal.
All your life you have waited for this moment to arrive.
And you'll be bright.
Music Lyrics
Cloud Cult. (2010). You'll Be Bright, Light Chasers. Retrieved from http://www.cloudcult.com/albums.htm#lightchasers
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