Inches Away

     In January I began exploring how I wanted to celebrate my body through movement by infusing light, love and vitality. In February I explored the judgements I had placed around my body transformation, including my willingness to exercise. 

 7 Year Old Me

     Growing up as a plus-size girl, going to gym class filled me with dread. Slowest to finish the 1 mile run and usually picked last for a team, I wasn’t faster or stronger than anyone else. The pull up bar and my arm strength didn’t align and the idea of climbing up a rope eluded me. I often thought an evil empire was out to get me by forcing me to participate in athletics. So one day I made a choice, "I just don't exercise." But there was something else, it wasn’t just the physical movements that raised my anxiety, it was the cruel word, “Fat.”

    What does a 90 pound 7 year old do? What do you say to someone who calls you fat? I didn't know what to do with the hurtful words or my inadequacies. I didn't know how to talk about my feelings and my internal cheerleader couldn’t “ra-ra-ra” me into knowing no matter what others say, "You're Beautiful.” Because the truth is, I didn’t feel beautiful, I felt unaccepted, unloved and I felt fat.   

    In my attempt to stop the pain - I'd eat. To find acceptance – I tried shaping my personality into what I thought others would like me to be. “Maybe if they couldn’t like me physically, maybe they’d like my personality.”  All along believing these two things could protect me. And that is how I lived most of my life, even into adulthood – emotionally eating, trying to please others, never acknowledging my own feelings and continuing to feel fat.

Reclamation

    How could I even begin to improve my physical body, when my emotional self needed love first? But all of the tears, the pain and the old patterns get to be reclaimed and healed. I eased into exploring how I wanted to improve my physical body with patience and support. "What do I really want my body movement to look like?" I came up with 4 ways of reclamation:  

Dance  |   Exercise at-home program  |  Low cost  |  Connect body, heart and soul

    Our library had several options for dance workouts and after trying them all, I found it: Yoga Booty Ballet. It met my criteria, plus it has a catchy name. Teigh and Gillian are fun, sometimes campy, always intentional instructors. Most importantly, my body delights in each movement. I love the fusion of cardio dances (Light and Easy, Latin Flavor, Go-Go, Bollywood, Burlesque, Hip-Hop), the core strengthening and connection of yoga and the sculpting beauty of ballet.

    Yes, the program promises a "lean, sexy body", but that isn't why I ordered it. I simply love how my body feels when I practice Y.B.B. It has become my reclamation! My transformation to change a belief that was so deeply engrained into knowing that “I really can exercise”. 

Body Measurements

    The Y.B.B. set included a body measurements card. At first I shuddered at the thought. So I took it slow – "why pressure myself into doing something I was already fearing and resisting?" In this waiting I grew to love the idea as another way to honor my body transformation. There was no need to look back with judgment for the food I’d eaten or exercise I avoided. Instead, I respected that my body helped me through it all. That it went along for the ride while I figured out how to begin emotionally healing. Turns out my body has been here all along waiting to be honored and loved.

    On February 28th, I let the pink, plastic measuring tape wrap around my left arm, took a breath and jotted down the number. As I measured the rest of my body I kept repeating my intention.

    A month later, I share these numbers with pride because they reflect the love I am showing my body through movement, strengthening and utilizing my One.Main.Ingredient… Love.

Chest: down 2 1/2"  |  Arms: down 1"  |  Waist: down 4 1/2"  

Hips: down 1 1/2"  |  Thighs: down 1 1/2"  |  Weight: down 7 pounds

    I was scared and concerned that if I blog about this, you may laugh at the size of my measurements. But that fear was little 7 year old me in gym class, staring up at the rope I'd never climb, being teased and feeling sad. I let her know it’s ok and that by sharing these numbers we can begin to heal, it is the most important thing her and I will do.

    It's been fun to notice the shape of my arms transforming, growing stronger so I can continue to write, draw and create. My legs becoming toned, allowing me to walk my path with dignity and joy. My waist, abs and booty continuing to transform with love and support, allowing me to trust myself as I continue on with this journey.