Me and My Body

"Fat Boy" Jewel

    Letting myself recognize and reflect on the depth of this song has allowed me to connect with my own "Fat Girl". I share my journey of losing and gaining weight and how in my 30th year of life, the battle between me and my body has changed. The transformation of my emotional eating has allowed me to stop disliking my body and find a way to begin healing.
    There was this strong dislike for my body and all the things I thought it couldn't do. The chin that sometimes doubles up. My "bingo wings" that wiggle when I wave, seemingly independent from the rest of my arm. The belly that jiggles when I giggle. My weight that was an indicator of the pain I was unable and at that time, unwilling to feel.
 

It Began with A Cookie

     Elementary school brought me home in tears as cruel children slung the word "fat" my way. To feel better an Oreo cookie was offered and at the age of 5 I learned very quickly that if I felt pain, eating something would make it feel a little bit better. 

"Fat boy goes to the pool  |  See his reflection, doesn't know what to do  |  He feels little inside and filled with pride"

    This powerful pattern became my easiest and favorite coping mechanism. If emotional pangs crept up, I'd find the closest substitute for an Oreo cookie. 

When I'd find myself being teased for being fat, a lot of emotional pain would awaken, I'd eat, feel better for a little bit, and then find myself weighing even more.

"Oh, fragile flame  |  No one sees the same"  

   At the delicate age of 7, I began disliking my chest. The size far surpassed other girls my age and one day this dislike turned to hatred. I remember the moment when my chest proved too tempting for two older boys and they used their hands to play a cruel joke. My innocence escaped me and trust for other males in my life was tested. There are simply no words to express the pain of that moment. I pushed it away, somehow believing if I felt the pain, it would happen again.

"Fat boy goes about his day  |  Trying to think of funny things to say"

     By the age of 16 I had built up so many layers to try and stop from feeling my pain that found myself destroying pictures from my birthday. I simply couldn't bear to see my body. I could no longer pretend.

"Like, "This is just a game I play"  |  And "I like me this way"

    So I made a choice and so began my battle with diet and exercise. Soon, the weight melted away and in my senior year I felt confident enough to wear a two piece swimsuit on a cruise. Physically my body was in the best shape of my adult life (size 16 and 160 pounds), but emotionally I hadn't learned how to heal my emotional self and thus I was incomplete.

  "Oh, fragile flame  |  When no one feels the same" 

Gain and Loss

     College came and so did the "freshmen 15." I met a boy, fell in love, got dumped and didn't know what to do. Depression set in and I didn't have a way to navigate through healing a broken heart. The weight I had lost only two years before was found. 

"Hush  |  sleep  |  don't think  |   just eat..."

    In 2004, I met my husband. Our hearts were matched on e-Harmony and as we planned to meet, my mom asked me if I'd told him I was a "bigger girl." My heart ached. Saying it aloud only made it true. He responded with sincerest love "I've already fallen in love with your heart, getting to see you in person will allow me to love you entirely." He loves me and my body for everything it is. That love became a mirror I could stand in front of forever.

 "You mama's pride and joy  |  You know they love ya  |  But not because they hold ya"

    Married in 2006, at our one year wedding anniversary, I found that the number on the scale registered at 290. I was in shock and out of this shock, I began battling with my body. I began another diet, lowered my weight to 255 and physically felt better. But my emotional pain still wasn't engaged in the healing process and very soon I repeated the gain and loss pattern.

"Fat boy says "Wouldn't it be nice, if I could melt myself like ice"  | "Or outrun my skin and just be pure wind"

A Pattern Revealed

 

    In 2008, when my husband and I began trying for children, my frustration and dislike grew as my body wasn't able to do something else. The battle between me and my body began again, depression set in and because the pain was so deep, the powerful pattern and my favorite coping mechanism took hold.

"Oh, fragile flame  |  Sometimes I feel the same" 

    In 2012, when the scale registered at 300 and the best medical advice I received was to have gastric bypass surgery, I was frustrated, scared, sad, everything.
    Out of this frustration, I sought support. I didn't have the surgery and while I have seen others have success with it, something deep inside of me knew with the right support I could transform my body.
    Trusting this wisdom, I found the right support in Dr. Margaret and knew this time, my weight transformation would be different, I'd find emotional healing first. I would take time to see all the patterns that have stopped me, feel all of my emotions from years of being ignored and truly heal. That me and my body would start having an honest conversation and that this time all parts would be physically and emotionally healed.

Music Lyrics

Jewel. (1998). Fat Boy, Spirit. Retrieved from http://www.jeweljk.com/