The Waves of Infertility

My Heart Children

    Time often passes where I don't even think about my journey with infertility or that my body isn't able to create a human life right now. It is as if the many things I have created (Inspiring Happiness Project, O.M.I. Life, Body Transformation, and my Baking Blog) have filled my life with a glow of purpose.  
    It is true that these seeds of inspiration were planted in my soul and with nourishment they grew and one day, when the time was right, I labored through delivery and brought them into the world. Anyone who has ever created something with every fiber of their being knows how awakened, rejuvenated, and alive you feel. Labors of love are like that and my creations have become my Heart Children, my family. They are parts of me that are growing, wanting space in this world to be loved, cherished and given the chance to blossom.
    I am proud of my Heart Children. Amazed at how these little seeds have grown with beauty and have allowed me to reclaim my voice. I want to be a good parent, to stand beside my children proudly, support them when they grieve and let them become what they were meant to be. My hope is that these creations of my soul inspire others to reach inside and create their heart's desire. 

The Infertility Space

    But then sometimes, the Desire  |  Idea  |  Obsession comes to me and my Heart Children cannot fill the empty space (nor could they, nor do I want them to) because the truth is, these children weren’t created to fill this space; they were created to make space. Nevertheless, when I open to this empty space, it surprises me and I feel the waves crashing over me. 

    I feel the desire for my husband and I to create something together. To feel my body transform as our child grows inside of me. For me to welcome our child into the world and to hold that precious one in my arms.  

    Then another crash of the waves come and I feel my desire to get as far away from this vast feeling space. I feel it every time someone shares their announcement of creation.  
    I feel it in my stomach, as my frustration rises and disappointment sets in.

    But today, in this moment I did something different, I gave myself permission to feel it all, to feel the vastness. Between the past, present and future. The feeling of nothing and of everything. Between taking action and standing still. The space between the breaths. Between the dreams that come when I wake and the life that happens when I sleep. All held in the intangible space; nameless, shapeless, without a beginning or an end. That it was the living, not the dying of ideas that stay here. 
    And I thought, maybe I don’t have to fill the empty space? And maybe I don't actually want to? Maybe, instead I want to let the waves come to me, rather than drown me. I want the beauty and honesty, after all that is what this space is. It isn’t something my mind can fabricate a story about. It isn’t a physical place I can visit, even if I wanted to. It follows me when I wake, it waits for me to see it, to feel it, to jump in and be willing. It’s the leap of faith, the unknowing knowing, the real dream, the dreamt life, it is everything and nothing and it lives here, in me.

What It Feels Like

    Since I no longer want anyone to take away my feelings (not anymore, not like I used to), my hope is that you can open your heart to respect that my journey with infertility can sometimes feel like someone who is mourning the loss of a loved one. And while I haven’t physically lost a baby, the idea of not having a healthy pregnancy and baby feels just as deep and real. .

     So for my friends and family who are expecting, understand that when you share your news, I feel this wave crash over and around me. Please do continue to celebrate and share, this is a wonderful time for you, just be gentle with my heart, because I may just pause for a moment. 
    Please understand this isn’t a reflection on you or the precious one you've created. This is me, taking a breath, trying to stay above the water and feeling into this vast part of myself. Please know that I am happy that this little one will come into the world and grow in your capable and loving hearts and homes.  And at the same time I feeling a wave of emotions.
    For my dear friends that also experienced infertility and now find your body creating life, I celebrate with you, just remember you were once where I was and I still need time.  

    And to those who are experiencing infertility or have experienced child loss. While I know we each have had our own experiences and the depths we each have gone to in grieving vary. But for you, the one thing I encourage you to do is talk about it. I kept it bottled up inside for so long, felt so alone and ashamed. I didn't think people would want to hear about my sadness. But as it turns out, it wasn't the sadness that people respond to, it is the truth in my experiences and that by showing up, I honor the part of me that wants to have a baby and the part of me that never may.