I Started Believing "I Can't Change"

My Ego Wall

    It isn't this heart of mine that put up a wall, rather a part of me that wanted me to stop. It was asking for permission to keep the wall in place and wanted assurance that nothing more will change. After all, the changes I've made up until this point were some how "allowed," by my ego, but now, here's where it stops, here's where I started believing "I Can't Change."
    Did it start when I began really paying attention to how many "likes" I received on my Facebook posts? Or by checking my blog stats and seeing the numbers peak at over 200 views? I'm not sure? I sincerely love that support, but something happened. The numbers became a way for my ego to approve of these changes.
    But when I began exploring deeper issues, where I could have used support, I found myself brought to the wall believing, "I Can't Change." And even though my heart wanted to share, I just couldn't. Poems half written, drawings left unfinished, blogs sitting in the draft folder and I simply couldn’t get them out. It was painful and to even touch back on the vulnerable frustration it still is. 
    So, I blogged less, focused on other things and somewhere over the course of the last month, (maybe longer?!?), I lost site of the passion I had for Inspiring Happiness. I felt disconnected, clouded by judgments, critical of each move I made and aware that my heart was trying so hard to shine, but something was stopping it. I grew tired and my ego kicked in and started reminding me of all the reasons why I should just stop blogging, stop sharing and stop changing. And when I did, the "likes" on Facebook and blog stats decreased and my ego was bruised and I felt it.
    I kept trying to reassure myself that I just wasn’t ready to blog about the different parts of my ego. And maybe it's true. Maybe I really wasn’t ready. Maybe I had to come to terms with the reason I was fearful of standing behind my words. I had to understand what was really going on.
    Dark days set in as my heart and inspiration were left to fend for themselves in the shadows. The impulse to distract with food, shopping and anything else began writhing inside of me as I tried desperately to fight each urge.

 Ok, I Give Up

    And here’s where I would have jumped ship, thrown in the towel, called it quits. Where I would have said, “Ok, enough is enough. Obviously, I’ve changed as much as a I can and am happy, right?"
     Dr. Margaret sensed the wall as I continued to resist talking about certain topics. Even when we talked about how far I have come in last 6 months, our conversation lead into how tired I'd grown and maybe I've 'just reached a stopping point'. Sure, my ego loved hearing that. "See, even Dr. Margaret agrees."
    But this wall with the bricks of hurt and sadness, remnants of ended relationships and abandoned memories are all here. And now, I see the wall for what it really is. I've seen the dirt that grows in the crevices, the bricks that have been built up overtime and are stopping me from living to my full potential. And I've started to understand where the "I Can't Change," false believe came from and that it no longer aligns with my life.
    I don't know what is beyond the wall, nor will I just bring in a wrecking ball to knock it all down. But I have made a choice. I didn't give up, turn around or quit; I'm really doing this! Because the truth is, this journey is the most important thing I have ever done in my whole life and even though I don't know why or where it will lead, I trust it. And that actually, when I look back, "I have changed". I see myself with more delicate love. I am working on trusting. And now, when I show up in the world I share more authentic truth of spirit and that is beautiful.