Just Need to Get It Out

When You Talk About It

    I've been working through a lot of old patterns and as I continue to share, even when I am uncomfortable, I know it is important. There is something about exploring my thoughts and feelings and getting it out there that has allowed me to have moments of truly inspired happiness. 
    Did I think that sharing about deep wounds with Me and My Body would having me feeling better? No, not at first. 
    As I've prepared to write the last few blogs and especially the next one, I keep running into a wall. This wall is stopping me from healing. So what does one do when the thing you want is just out of reach and the road you choose to travel isn't paved?
    Inspiration came as I was getting my haircut and paging through January's Glamour Magazine, I read an article entitled: How to Quit Faking It by Jane Pratt. Jane is the editor of xoJane a lifestyle website for women. 

"More and more I’ve come to realize that the healthiest thing you can do is tell the truth in real time. Women are often encouraged to discuss their issues only after those issues are tied up in a neat little nugget of easily digestible advice. It takes more courage, I believe, to acknowledge a mistake while you are making it, a triumph as you are achieving it...When you talk about what you’re going through while it’s raw, you open the door for others to do the same—while dissipating any shame that you might feel."
 

    I sat stunned, vulnerable and concerned. Had she had some how heard the doubts in my head and decided it was time to gently remind me? 

    While I doubt she has the ability to see into the future, what she does have is an awareness of a common theme in many peoples lives. Personally, I don't think this is limited to women only or to our generation, the idea of truthfully acknowledging everything in ones life can be universal. 

    So thank you Jane for being you, for having the wisdom to express yourself and allowing me to feel supported and inspired to write what I need to write about, as it is, with a little bit of dirt and a whole lotta truth.

You'll Be Bright - Judgments

"You'll Be Bright" Cloud Cult

Woke up this morning

Judgment on my mind 

Feeling my heart left behind

Trying to sift through each thought

Recognizing the ones that get caught

    I've been listening to Cloud Cult for the past month and am thankful for "You'll Be Bright" from the Light Chaser album. It has helped me find a way to appreciate this part of my journey.

All the things you'll love

    Last week I began opening to the part of myself that distrusts. And the more time I spent with it, I found myself desperately trying to pry it open so that I could understand it. But a part of me stopped being willing, it slammed the door and flooded my space with judgments about me and my body, my journey with food, emotional eating, and healing. 

All the things that may hurt you

    In my flood of judgment this morning, I tried to find a life preserver. And as I found it I recognized this pattern as a battle between my heart and the part of myself I call the Red Queen. 

All the things you shouldn't do

    Last month, I began recognizing the old pattern with the Red Queen as I searched for a delicate balance. The part of me that needs to feel safe by controlling everything, including situations and my emotions. Even though this has been a part of my life, I am frustrated and

out of this frustration, I want a change.

And all the things you want to 

    How many times has this pattern stopped me from experiencing my emotions? Lashed out in anger? Been overwhelmed with jealousy? Blamed others for my insecurities? Ended relationships hastily? Or released a tyrant of judgments in my own mind?

They're calling your name...travel safely.

The Whole Truth: Judgments

    I found myself losing sight of my success with my weight transformation and this morning I was flooded with judgments. "What have I really learned about food?"  |  "If I would have just had gastric bypass surgery, I would be at a smaller weight now."  |  "If I would just exercise, I’d lose more weight."  |  "If I didn't have so much to talk about, my healing with Dr. Margaret would go more quickly."

Every first kiss, every crisis, every heartbreak and every act of kindness...
They're calling your name...travel safely.

The Whole Truth: It Will Be Alright

    Through many people's support of my weight transformation, I keep being asked how I'm doing it.

    There is no secret to my weight loss. I don’t count calories and if you asked me how many good fats are in avocados or why coconut oil works better with my body, I have no idea behind the science of it all.

    What I do know is that the changes with my diet Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Refined Sugar-Free and Corn-Free have me feeling better. That by reading labels, making meals at home and accepting my relationship with food as it is: an emotional journey that needs to be loved and healed, I've been able to lose weight.   

Every empire, every monument, every masterpiece and every invention

They're calling your name...travel safely.

    In 2012, when my weight registered at 300 pounds, I made a choice and even though gastric bypass surgery was suggested, I chose not to have it. I was intentional about this choice, because I knew in my heart, I needed emotional healing to transform my weight. 

What comes will come.  |  What goes will go.

Exercise is a word and activity I used to dislike. I didn't like sweating or moving in front of other people. I often pushed myself into doing something I truly didn't enjoy and soon began to dislike it. 
But last month something changed. In a surge of inspiration and motivation I checked out every dance workout DVD from the library and after trying them all out, I found it! The one that I not only love moving my body too, but feel connected to the process in this beautiful way. After no longer being able to renew the DVD, I finally ordered the Yoga Booty Ballet set. 
I didn't order it because it promises a "lean sexy body", because it came with an "Ab and Butt Makeover Guide" or because I want to be on a daily or weekly exercise routine. No, I ordered it because when I do the "dynamic fusion of yoga, booty sculpting, and cardio dance" my body and heart love it.

The wind will blow where the wind is blowing.

Let go of where you think you're going.

    When my husband started seeing Dr. Margaret last month, my heart was thrilled. But my Red Queen was challenged last Wednesday when I came home from my healing session with Dr. Margaret. I had received a letter from my mother and it required a lot of time to explore my feelings. In this delicate time, as I continue to heal, my session was spent talking about these feelings. 

We'll never know why it flows where it's flowing.

Usually when my husband and I have a session with Dr. Margaret we debrief on our experience. While I logically understand and realize we are different people, so the time we need and what we need to heal is and will be different. 
When I got home and my husband asked how it went, I acknowledged it was slow and deep. And when he shared his experience, my Red Queen got angry at how my session appeared to be so slow in comparison to where my husband was at.

We've always been what we will always be.

I'm so convinced we have to get there, we can part the sea...

But isn’t about anyone else, not my mother, my husband, or Dr. Margaret. It isn't about me comparing myself to anyone else, it's about me and my Red Queen, the part of me that is afraid to heal. And even though I am frustrated, I'm going to give her what she cannot give herself. I'm going to acknowledge her presence, seek to understand her, accept her and love her because that is the only way I will truly heal.

All your life you have waited for this moment to arrive. 

And you'll be bright.

Music Lyrics

Cloud Cult. (2010). You'll Be Bright, Light Chasers. Retrieved from http://www.cloudcult.com/albums.htm#lightchasers

What Is Love?

"What is Love?" Haddaway

    After last week’s post about Me and My Body, I continue to find myself in heart to heart conversations with my body. Later last week I found myself feeling nervous for our upcoming dance showcase and didn't know why. 

    In the fall of 2011, my husband and I have fallen in love with Ballroom Dance Lessons we started taking at Arthur Murray St. Paul. It's fun to learn something new, increase confidence on the dance floor and as we've learned new ways to move our bodies, our hearts have learned new ways to dance together. With over a year and a half of lessons under our feet, it was finally time to showcase our dance moves on Saturday, February 9th.

Nerves

    I knew I was nervous, my husband knew it and so did our dance instructor. I kept saying I’d be more comfortable giving a speech to 1,000 people, than performing our Tango and Hustle routines. Dance is all about the partnership, trusting they will be your eyes as you step backwards and making dance moves appear at the right time. Both my husband and our instructor have been very patient as I embrace not being able to see where I am going and trust my husband as a leader.  
    I realize now that my lack of trust wasn't in my husband, it was in myself and that this trust was an old pattern. In my blog last week, I talked about what happened when I was 7. Because of this I kept many people at a distance, afraid that something similar would occur and unable to trust that this heart of mine could be safe. 

    This pattern has transformed into nervousness in some social situations, caution when forming new friendships and sometimes even when I post a blog I wonder, "What will people think? Will someone judge me? What will happen if I do this?" So to compensate, I'd find something I could control in the situation, a way to keep myself safe. And if I couldn't find it, I'd close up shop, pack away my emotions and try to just "live through it". It's an old pattern and it has stopped me from doing a lot of things. It almost stopped me from dancing last week (almost). 

    And all this was behind all the nervousness of our dance showcase. And while I’ve only just begun opening myself to explore how trust, safety and control can transform, I feel that while I don't know where I am going, I will learn.  
    Embracing this pattern will allow me to create space in my life to heal. To begin trusting myself in situations and trust people in my life that accept me where I am at and with gentle love support me. 

Love Trust

    On the morning of the dance showcase I woke up and found this sweet note attached to the bathroom mirror from my husband. "I am excited to dance with you today Janet! I love you! XOXO."  

    It calmed my nerves and became a reminder to trust the dance leadership of my husband, as well as the emotional support he is providing. He accepted I was nervous and knew I was stepping outside of my comfort zone with our dance showcase, but with love he lead me to the dance floor. 

What Is Love?

   Our dance performances were wonderful. I found a space to trust myself, the situation, and my dance partner. Throughout the evening, we cheered on amazing performers who love to dance, just as much as we do.
    Our first performance was the Hustle, dancing to “What is Love?”. Bobbing our heads like the Butabi brothers in A Night at the Roxbury, was an instant crowd pleaser.
    Our second performance was the Tango. As we do the corte's and promenades, we don't take ourselves to seriously and often find ourselves smiling. 
    Despite my nerves, I shared the evening with a fantastic date, learned a little lesson along the way and when we hit the dance floor, danced because it makes us smile.

Me and My Body

"Fat Boy" Jewel

    Letting myself recognize and reflect on the depth of this song has allowed me to connect with my own "Fat Girl". I share my journey of losing and gaining weight and how in my 30th year of life, the battle between me and my body has changed. The transformation of my emotional eating has allowed me to stop disliking my body and find a way to begin healing.
    There was this strong dislike for my body and all the things I thought it couldn't do. The chin that sometimes doubles up. My "bingo wings" that wiggle when I wave, seemingly independent from the rest of my arm. The belly that jiggles when I giggle. My weight that was an indicator of the pain I was unable and at that time, unwilling to feel.
 

It Began with A Cookie

     Elementary school brought me home in tears as cruel children slung the word "fat" my way. To feel better an Oreo cookie was offered and at the age of 5 I learned very quickly that if I felt pain, eating something would make it feel a little bit better. 

"Fat boy goes to the pool  |  See his reflection, doesn't know what to do  |  He feels little inside and filled with pride"

    This powerful pattern became my easiest and favorite coping mechanism. If emotional pangs crept up, I'd find the closest substitute for an Oreo cookie. 

When I'd find myself being teased for being fat, a lot of emotional pain would awaken, I'd eat, feel better for a little bit, and then find myself weighing even more.

"Oh, fragile flame  |  No one sees the same"  

   At the delicate age of 7, I began disliking my chest. The size far surpassed other girls my age and one day this dislike turned to hatred. I remember the moment when my chest proved too tempting for two older boys and they used their hands to play a cruel joke. My innocence escaped me and trust for other males in my life was tested. There are simply no words to express the pain of that moment. I pushed it away, somehow believing if I felt the pain, it would happen again.

"Fat boy goes about his day  |  Trying to think of funny things to say"

     By the age of 16 I had built up so many layers to try and stop from feeling my pain that found myself destroying pictures from my birthday. I simply couldn't bear to see my body. I could no longer pretend.

"Like, "This is just a game I play"  |  And "I like me this way"

    So I made a choice and so began my battle with diet and exercise. Soon, the weight melted away and in my senior year I felt confident enough to wear a two piece swimsuit on a cruise. Physically my body was in the best shape of my adult life (size 16 and 160 pounds), but emotionally I hadn't learned how to heal my emotional self and thus I was incomplete.

  "Oh, fragile flame  |  When no one feels the same" 

Gain and Loss

     College came and so did the "freshmen 15." I met a boy, fell in love, got dumped and didn't know what to do. Depression set in and I didn't have a way to navigate through healing a broken heart. The weight I had lost only two years before was found. 

"Hush  |  sleep  |  don't think  |   just eat..."

    In 2004, I met my husband. Our hearts were matched on e-Harmony and as we planned to meet, my mom asked me if I'd told him I was a "bigger girl." My heart ached. Saying it aloud only made it true. He responded with sincerest love "I've already fallen in love with your heart, getting to see you in person will allow me to love you entirely." He loves me and my body for everything it is. That love became a mirror I could stand in front of forever.

 "You mama's pride and joy  |  You know they love ya  |  But not because they hold ya"

    Married in 2006, at our one year wedding anniversary, I found that the number on the scale registered at 290. I was in shock and out of this shock, I began battling with my body. I began another diet, lowered my weight to 255 and physically felt better. But my emotional pain still wasn't engaged in the healing process and very soon I repeated the gain and loss pattern.

"Fat boy says "Wouldn't it be nice, if I could melt myself like ice"  | "Or outrun my skin and just be pure wind"

A Pattern Revealed

 

    In 2008, when my husband and I began trying for children, my frustration and dislike grew as my body wasn't able to do something else. The battle between me and my body began again, depression set in and because the pain was so deep, the powerful pattern and my favorite coping mechanism took hold.

"Oh, fragile flame  |  Sometimes I feel the same" 

    In 2012, when the scale registered at 300 and the best medical advice I received was to have gastric bypass surgery, I was frustrated, scared, sad, everything.
    Out of this frustration, I sought support. I didn't have the surgery and while I have seen others have success with it, something deep inside of me knew with the right support I could transform my body.
    Trusting this wisdom, I found the right support in Dr. Margaret and knew this time, my weight transformation would be different, I'd find emotional healing first. I would take time to see all the patterns that have stopped me, feel all of my emotions from years of being ignored and truly heal. That me and my body would start having an honest conversation and that this time all parts would be physically and emotionally healed.

Music Lyrics

Jewel. (1998). Fat Boy, Spirit. Retrieved from http://www.jeweljk.com/

50 in 135

Creation and Destruction

    I'm grateful to welcome February, it just feels different. With my intention of 2013 being the year of The Whole Truth, January surely brought truthfulness into fruition. As I blogged about old patterns, emotional eating and finding healing in the Christmas Card Debacle, I found Clarity and sought to create a Delicate Balance between seeing my fears and learning to love them.
    The healing process for January was bare and essential, it revealed a depth that I had never seen and I didn't quite understand it all. As I sat reflecting on the unknown, I came across The Dragon Tree; a Holistic Spa in Portland (which I have never been to and/or may never get to), but found a connection. Their blog post on the necessity of Creation and Destruction helped me understand the process and created peace.
    "We have the ability to CREATE on a daily basis that which we desire to manifest... The creative aspect of life can be invigorating and inspiring. It’s...part of what speaks to how we “show up” in the world.  
    The inevitable polarity to creation... is DESTRUCTION... We cannot have one without the other, just as we cannot have light without dark, or good without the bad, it is a part of the pendulum’s swing that maintains a balance in life... The destruction process is just as much of a teacher... as creation, and when we can embrace the opportunities that are presented to us through it, we are able to utilize the nutrients from the decomposition, to blossom once again."

135 Days with the O.M.I. Life 

50 Pounds Transformed Away, Feeling Better and Finding Support
    When I first made the decision to eliminate gluten, dairy, corn and refined sugar from my diet, I saw it as a choice that had a definite end date. I thought, "Oh by Thanksgiving I'll be able to enjoy "everything" I used to eat." Surprise! I'm still enjoying these choices, no longer have an end date and have found they are necessary for me to live a healthy and happy life. 
    Wow! Only five months ago I made a choice to feel different with my body. To allow myself to explore my emotional eating, embrace cravings and support myself through it all. As I find healing, the weight transforms away and while that wasn't the reason I started this all, it has become a nice reward.
    Daily headaches and weekly, sometimes bi-weekly migraines affected me for several years. Now, if I do experience a migraine it is because what I ate my body disliked and gotten really good at paying attention. Amazing how easy it is to notice the physical response to food.
    Many people share their love and support for me through this journey. Many of whom have made similar changes and know that the journey, while beautiful, can also be challenging. My husband has recently begun his own journey with food and creating a healthy life. Yay!

February: The Month of Music: The Janercise Effect

    Janercise [verb] \jan-ər-sīz\  

    The regular or repeated listening to the same song or album for days… weeks… months…and loving every minute!

    Music has always been a part of my life and as those who are closest to me know I can often be found doing this very act, literally playing a song I love, repeatedly. I'm honoring this passion for music again this month.
    In August 2012 I explored my relationship with my mother with three of amazing songs: Turning Tables - Adele, Defying Gravity, from the musical Wicked, Conduct - Cranberries. Without knowing where the music will lead, I look forward to the journey of my heart.