Conduct - Exploration

The Cranberries

    I've loved the The Cranberries since I heard Linger in Camp Nowhere. Through the years they simply became one of those bands that I will always love. 
    In May we had ticket's for their show and although it was cancelled, I will always remain enamored with their talent! When my husband let me know about the release of their new music Roses. I was ecstatic and purchased the CD on our way home from a trip up north at the end of March. Conduct began filling the air, words reached into my heart and tears fell. 

"Now it’s too late, I can see that we should not be together."

    Prior to this moment, we had spent the cold March day in Taylors Falls. Memories from my childhood and of my grandparents' farm played through my heart. My spirit connected with these peaceful  memories, as I honored the love for my grandparents and my youth. A respect grew for the path I was traveling and while visiting my grandparents graves, I asked for love, support and guidance while I was on my Journey Of A Year and Journey Of Change.

"Now it’s too late, we’ve gone too far and we should not be together."

    As the lyrics kept playing, I began to explore the feelings towards my mother. It had been a long time since I was able to be with these emotions. I'd go weeks without thinking about it and then moments like this would request my time and energy. Since setting these boundaries in July of 2011, I could only see our relationship in a destructive way. All along wanting her to just understand, to know why I set this boundary and why I desperately needed this time. I've since come to realize that while I'll accept if she understands this, that it's not about her anymore. That all along all I've really wanted is to know why I needed the time.

"Destructive, disruptive not conductive.
Can’t you see where we went wrong?
Now it’s too late, I can see that we should not be together"

    Often I would ignore the anger and sadness around our relationship, it was simply too painful. Spending time trying to put words to why I'd drawn this boundary, I'd only be left with more uncertainty. I needed something and in the moment of first hearing this song I began exploring why. I realize now that I set this boundary so that I could find my authentic self.

"Take back my life, take back my heart.
I know I can hold it together.
Give back my life, give back my heart."

    There have been times when all I've wanted was the courage to just pick up the phone and call her. And then there are times that I know I'm not ready. There is something inside of me that still needs to be discovered and I will allow myself time to find healing and peace.

"I know we can hold us together. 

Enlightening, enlightening.
When we’re not fighting, we’re not fighting.
Can’t you see we should get along.
It’s not too late, I can see I know we can hold it together.

When we get along, we’re really strong, we’re really strong.
Conduct yourself."