Christmas Card Debacle

     I’ve wanted to blog about this for a while now, but I haven't been ready or willing to process everything and didn't know where to begin. Clenching in my chest, taking my breath, even now I gasp for words. With 2013 being the year of The Whole Truth, here is where I start to write to transform.

Christmas Card Debacle

     I begin with the holiday season of 2011, 6 months before this I created boundaries with my family and I'd become accustom to balancing the choices and emotional challenges it created. I realize now how these boundaries were created out of fear and the emotional challenges I was experiencing were of my own creation. As part of this boundary, I made the choice to not see my family, rather I sent up gifts. The first year wasn't easy and while the second holiday season wasn't either, I was starting to realize how my overall health was improving, because I was making different choices. I needed to learn how to listen, trust and act with my intuition and even if the choices initially stemmed from fear, I needed to learn how to heal with that.

     Through this entire process of boundary setting, I've remained respectful of the relationships with mutual family or friends. I didn't want to blur the line or make someone choose, so I stepped aside, trusting my instincts. As I made my Christmas card list, I planned to send cards to many mutual family and friends. Paying attention to my instincts, I felt comfortable sending a card to a mutual family friend because I had received a birthday card from them in October. 

     The Saturday before Christmas we received many Christmas cards and included was an envelope without a return address. Opening the envelope I found the very Christmas card we had sent up to this family friend, unopened, with a handwritten note saying I had sent it by mistake, because they were friends with my mother.

     The words thudded in my stomach and my mind started racing. I sat stewing in my emotional baggage, as anger and sadness washed over me, the discomfort became quite unbearable and the old ghost of my hurt girl surfaced. But, before I allowed myself to feel it all, I made a choice; I pushed away the pain (an old pattern) and went external. 
     I began inspecting the card, as if it would give me the answer I was looking for. The card was returned to send a deliberate message. Why couldn't they just have thrown away the card? There was no return address, no signature and the handwriting looked nothing like the birthday card from October. It actually looked like my mothers handwriting.

My Old Patterns

      Another twinge of unresolved feelings surfaced as I thought it was an action of my mother. I found it curiously easy to make the pain I felt be linked to her, almost as if it was her fault I was feeling this way.  And in that split second, I began doubting everything (and I mean everything) I was doing for my health and I felt guilty for having set any boundaries. 
      As tears salted my cheeks, I called a dear friend and noticed more old patterns resurfacing. I wanted to eat, to shop and to get it away from me as fast as possible. I wanted to clean and lose myself in making every spot on the stove top disappear. Distraction was what I wanted and by acknowledging these patterns, I was able to start honoring them and make choices to feel into the pain, rather than fill the pockets of pain and for that I was thankful.

      Time always finds a way to heal the size of the wound. Somehow, the card had me feeling unwanted, unloved and judged. By acknowledging these feelings, I was able to discover I had choices. I could let this go - releasing the pain and disregarding this action. I could continue to release the pain, but seek truth. My instincts lead me to send a letter expressing my feelings and this was outside my comfort zone. The old pattern would have been to take the pain, remember it to apply armor and build another wall. I'd then feel awful, make empty choices all the while not standing up for myself in a healthy and supportive way.

The Real Truth

    I knew the card had been received when I began receiving several phone calls from an unknown number. No message was left and I felt uncomfortable answering to an unknown person. I had become used to this pattern of receiving frequent calls from my mother and I was scared. I didn't understand why a message couldn't have been left. 

    The next day the mystery caller left a voice mail and their name. It was the family friend letting me know why they returned the card back. They were angry and wanted me to know how the boundaries I was making with my mother were affecting the relationship.

    I made the choice to not call the family friend back. I wasn't ready to hear anymore than that. They resolved the odd scenario I had created in my head and I needed time to work through this. I also didn't feel my voice would have been heard and everyone has the right to share their feelings, but I felt judged and I needed time.

Accepting Limitations

    Like diving into chilled water, it made me realize the unresolved emotions and old patterns (food, shopping, cleaning) that I used to fill the pockets of pain with. The part of me that doubted myself. The part where I stopped feeling and blamed others. And the part of me that makes up stories that may feel real, but actually aren't.  And I realized that somewhere along the way I didn’t believe I was worthy of healing and I weep at this false belief.

    By peering into my heart, I saw the need to have my talents, gifts and limitations respectfully acknowledged and accepted. That each choice I’ve made, whether it leaves a mess or not, is everything I can do, with everything I am. Isn't that what this whole healing journey is about? That I have a choice to heal and I deserve to spend as much time as I need to do so. And that in my own healing, other relationships can begin to heal too.