Defying Gravity - Changes

Defying Gravity

    From the moment I heard "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked, I loved it. Seeing the play only sealed this passion and it grew to live in my heart as more than just a back story for the Wizard of Oz. It's a story of life, the importance of making choices and believing that the choices you make are what you need.

    As I began on my own Journey Of A Year, I found familiarity with the storyline and identified with Elphaba, one of the main characters. 
    No, I wasn't living in the Land of Oz, but like her, I was presented with information that shook the foundation which I'd built my life on. I awoke to a whole new part of myself, knowing that my life would forever be changed. 

ELPHABA: "But I don't want it. No, I can't want it anymore. Something has changed within me. Something is not the same."

     The relationship with my mother and my own fears reverberated to my core. I reacted with a new set of boundaries and made the choice to stop communicating with her. I needed time and space to figure our why I felt the way I did. I began changing the way our game was played and stopped playing by rules that only maintained an unbalanced relationship.

ELPHABA: "I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.  
Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!"

    Silence filled the void of these unanswered questions, leaving space that words couldn't fill. Acceptance of the unknown began to comfort me; I didn't need answers, what I needed was time. Time to maintain the boundaries, so that I could listen to what I needed, trust my instincts and acknowledge my feelings. 

GLINDA: "Can't I make you understand? You're having delusions of grandeur."

ELPHABA: "I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but 'till I try, I'll never know! "

    A more meaningful connection with myself and my emotions developed once I began to untangle myself from the guilt and expectations. I found ground to stand on and freedom to explore healing my way. I connected with my fear and the idea that with this love, I've been paying a price. 
    Maybe the support and love I had for my mother wasn't enough to keep her alive or enough to stop anyone else from noticing she was unwell? And maybe the support and love she had for me wasn't what I needed either? I began to see how unbalanced our relationship had become and that even if we both did our best, that maybe we weren't the best for each other at this time.

ELPHABA: "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!"

    I have come to accept that the boundaries I placed on our relationship was a direct result of my fear of failing her. I chose to react to her actions. I placed these boundaries to protect myself, to acknowledge the part of me that really needed time to do my own healing.

GLINDA: "I hope you're happy now that you're choosing this."

ELPHABA: "You too! I hope it brings you bliss."

BOTH: "I really hope you get it and you don't live to regret it. I hope you're happy in the end."

    As I continue on, I know that the choices I've made aren't what she would like for our relationship. But I can hope that she can respect that these choices have made all the difference to my life. That I am starting to find true healing and understanding of what my own issues are.

ELPHABA: "So if you care to find me. Look to the western sky! As someone told me lately: 'Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!' And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me. Tell them how I am defying gravity.  I'm flying high defying gravity. And soon I'll match them in renown. And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!"