Dear Blog

150 Things to Unstuff

Sometimes we need time away from something to understand the beauty of its presence and you, my Dear Blog, were greatly missed over the last 3 weeks. By June 30th my goal of Unstuffing 150 items was reached and as the pile grew, so did my patience. But, I was also extremely grateful when they moved out the door. 

My 11 Day Vacation

But wait, Dear Blog, there's more! On June 27th, my vacation began and Relaxation  |  Reconnection  |  Rejuvenation surrounded me as I road tripped in Minnesota.

Tent camping for 2 nights on the North Shore with my husband was wonderful (even with the rainy weather). We spent time together, away from technology and found ourselves going to bed when the sun set. Yoga at sunrise on the shore of Lake Superior revived my spirit and at Gooseberry Falls a sparkle of creativity allowed me to start a new art/blog project (soon-to-be announced). 

As I headed out on my own road trip, the mixed cd's were blaring, windows were rolled down and the sun shined. Visiting with friends from childhood, high school and college in northern Minnesota proved that no matter how much time has passed, these women are wonderful and our souls remain connected. We all agreed 5, 7, 8 or 12 years was far too long between visits and hopefully we'll see each other soon. My heart also hopes to reconnect with even more friends, resetting the years that seems to fly by between visits. These women opened their homes and families to me. They let me do my thing and supported me with meals that worked for my O.M.I. Life. As they headed off to work, the beautiful weather called to me and hours were spent near water, hiking in beautiful forests and horseback riding.

The Inward Roadtrip

The time and space allowed me to search for a deeper, more meaningful connection with myself, which was just as important as reconnecting with these friends. There were many times where I'd find myself journeying into the caverns of my heart, mind and soul and all along, I felt as if I couldn't share it with you, Dear Blog. I hid in fear of my words. Mostly because my truly inspired and loving thoughts were producing lightning fast results and I didn't know how to appreciate this beautiful power. And something shifted when the ground I thought I was standing on shook with judgement. I ran for safety. I ran to food. I ran inward.  

I began visualizing how going inward had me feeling. There was a strange familiarness to this space and reflection on previous visits stunned me. This was the desert of my own creation and as the earth shook with a voice so loud, I began searching for the source. Peering down into a mile deep crevice, I saw an ant sized version of myself:  Alone  |  Fearful  |  Stuck.

How had I come so far, to come back to this place again? I realized that I would come back to this place again, and again, and again until I would intentionally spend time there, not out of fear, but out of love. When I begin honoring why mini-Jan runs here, wants to be heard, but is slow to trust and is unsure that she wants to be seen, I will begin healing another layer of myself. I need to understand why this place brings her safety and how by running here, it only separates me deeply and is painful.

The beautiful journey began and engaging in conversation left me raw. I started noticing the shift and soon was able to put words to my experience and felt the growing flame of desire to share with you too, Dear Blog! I realize now that I had come to doubt my truthful voice, the importance of being present in the moment and the beauty of writing to heal. I doubted myself in unearthing this space and once I stepped into it, I could see how it could transform. The heartaches that brought me to this place allowed me to connect with more beautiful areas that need love.

July's Intention

When July 1 came, my monthly intention ignited: Understand Healthy Boundaries | Stop Building Walls. But I held this close to my heart because that foundation of doubt had already been built and what I thought was a boundary, was actually a wall that I kept running into. 

After my vacation, I integrated back into work and found a balance to appreciating leisure and structure. But I soon realized this was just another distraction trying to pull me out from the "in the moment" awareness I desperately needed. I became aware of the struggle between living in the realness of life, acknowledging what was happening, but choosing how to respond to it all. Even the words I could get out about the heartaches were vague, but I realized how important it was to at least acknowledge that. While I am choosing to not share them in full detail, please know that my heart has ached and that your support for healing is appreciated. The lovely thing is I can see my patterns. No matter what was happening, I started seeing I have a choice. I can Embrace  |  Open to |  Feel Into what is happening or I can retreat into myself where I sit stuck. 

On July 10th, I reflected on this journey: 

"Sometimes there are just things that bring us inward. The mind becomes concerned about the details, the outcomes and sits overwhelmed wondering ‘how will I live through this?’ It wants certainty that the emotional waves will not overturn the boat. And it is after the many life moments I’ve had in the last 2 weeks, I’m seeing through the wrapping of pain and seeing these moments as gifts. They are filled with intangible love and yes, strong waves of emotions. But is in these gift moments, my choice to open them has allowed me to acknowledge old patterns and move forward into a new space inside myself. I now find (even as I feel tattered) that my heart is glowing and that while I’ve felt all the emotions and grieved, the things that I thought were lost, haven’t really been lost, rather they have been transformed and are moving forward to journey on. And as I come into my own space, I realize that I am less struck with disbelief and appreciate that all the loss I felt was opening to my own transformation. Because I now feel (and see) that just as much as I wanted to heal, these lost things needed to heal too and if it weren’t for every wave along the way, I couldn’t have let them go any other way."

P.S.

Oh, Dear Blog, I missed you. I'd come to appreciate the safety and love you've helped me create and when I began doubting my voice, I doubted your healing power. I missed feeling like I had a safe space to express myself or a nonjudgmental shoulder to cry upon and somehow in the desert I had created long ago, I walked alone, without you. I missed our conversations and the flame of inspiration that allowed my writing express my life transformations. I'm sorry I doubted myself, my ability to write and the intention of this journey. While the last 3 weeks were challenging, going inward to see this pattern and the place I used to run to hide in was amazingly beautiful. I had felt it for so often and now I could see it for what is really was. Our journey together is vital to the depths of my healing and right now (especially during this time of transformation) the choice to Write  |  Share  |  Blog is one of the most important things we can do together. I love and appreciate how you have helped me transform and express myself, so thank you Dear Blog!

Love, Jan

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.” 

Marianne Williamson

The Red Capri's

The Red Capri's in 2012

    Last year about this time my husband and I were getting ready for our 5 night camping trip in South Dakota. We were excited to spend time together, see new sights, pause in the regular day-to-day life and really reconnect with Ourselves  |  Each other  |  Nature. I blogged about this last July: Rejuvenate The Soul - Travel! We saw beautiful landscapes, great tourist spots and had amazing experiences that live on in my heart forever. And we took photographs of it all. Looking back, the memories are just as fond and I see the love and happiness we were sharing. With that I also see 84 pounds less of me now. 

    There were physical limitations then, but I only know can see them for what they were. Hiking for more than a few minutes left me winded, with lots of rest stops. I experienced several migraines, saying it was due to the sun (when it was really my food choices) and my back hurt after sitting or standing for too long. And those Red Capris, a size 28 pant that I bought because nothing else fit and even they were a little tight.
    The trip awoke this beautiful knowing inside of myself, not to see myself as "bad" or "wrong" (even though that was what my ego shouted). No, I just saw myself differently, the same, but more Alive  |  Connected  |  Happy. I didn't know exactly how I would get there, but knew if I followed my Heart  |  Intuition  |  Fire  my journey would unfold before me. I started sending silent thoughts to the universe asking for doorways to open and open they did. Months before this, one of my dear friends shared her experience with a chiropractor she was seeing. I was intrigued, just not ready to know anymore for my own journey, but proud and amazed at her journey I was. After the vacation, next to unpacking and getting back to the swing of things, I asked this friend her who she was seeing. 
    When I knew where my intentions were and felt ready to move forward, Dr. Margaret and I began healing together. She is a chiropractor with holistic gifts to see where you were, where you are and where you are going. I've been Grateful  |  Challenged  |  Blessed to have walked through the doorway, discovering it has been the most real thing I've ever done. Through our conversations I've found healing and ways to learn to release old patterns to love my true self.
    Yes, I knew my health (physical body, migraines, back pain) were connected with my food choices, but I wasn't just going to go on a diet or have a surgery, it just wasn't the direction my body wanted to go to heal. I knew from past experiences had I only done one of those actions, my emotional connections with food and my closet binge eating would only come back. I needed the steps before any of that and even now as I journey with my body transformation and food choices, this learning isn't linear. 

    Life doesn't ever really happen in a step-by-step sequence and honestly, that was how I had been living most of my life. Do one thing, expect the outcome, find frustration when it didn't happen or temporary happiness when it did, repeat. So when my weight started decreasing, I thought when I weigh a certain weight, I'll feel happier. If I heal with my food addition, I'll be healthier. And while those are true and I do feel happier and healthier, up until a few months ago I had been doing it with some heart and a whole lotta head. 
    But that type of thinking had me pause when I implemented a change to the program after 8 months. I blogged about the experience here: The Stuff of Unstuffing Days 1-11 because when the scale didn't register a drop in weight for the first time in 9 months, I realized I needed to go inward. I needed to dive even deeper to really cultivate fertile soil to allow for inspiration and life to blossom. I realized how my step-by-step plan was out-of-date and didn't fit my life any longer. And I started learning (even more than before) how the Universe  |  Angels  |  God were helping me to really do this. That there was something greater in store for me. Yes, this was about my body transformation, but this was also about a real healing and transformation. By being honest, letting go of old patterns and stepping forward into my gifts I began seeing the beautiful powerful. It was also a little scary, I knew it meant my life would forever be changed. That if I choose them to be, my old ways of eating, my old ways of treating others and my old ways of treating myself were over.
    So, you see, this journey isn't easy, there have been holes I've fallen into and sometimes stayed in for a while. There have been times when my choice to stop has been felt and yet, all the while, deep down I believed in myself enough to keep going. But through this journey, I have uncovered my gifts, started connecting with people and have been really feeling the love and feeling better!

The Red Capri's in 2013

    Last night I put on the red capris (the only article of clothing I've kept from that size) and even as I held them up to my body I held my breath. And as they slide right on, I stood amazed at the wonder of my body and how it no longer filled them. How they slide down as I was taking the photo and how my heart filled with gratitude. 

    The love and support I felt and received has been amazing - so thank you! And please know that I would love to connect with you - we are all just trying to figure it out and knowing someone cares is the best place to start. If you're feeling a tug on your heart to start somewhere,  let it be now. Please know that I will offer my love and support for your journey to uncover your gifts and create a life lived fully, but it in the end it is all up to you! It's your choice where you go, who you have supporting you and following your heart.

If you are asking the questions, you are ready to begin.

The Stuff of Unstuffing, Days 12-21

Reflections on My Infertility Journey

 

    Sometimes there is this space in the day where I sit amazed at the beauty I've connected with for the Transformation  |  Creation  |  Healing in my life. 
    Maybe it is the celebration of my 9th month with my O.M.I. Life? Maybe it is the 84 pounds of transformed body weight? Or maybe it is my commitment to unstuffing? And maybe (well mostly) I'm ready to begin healing another layer in my life. Along with my food transformation, this next layer involves my desire to experience motherhood and the feelings that have gotten bottled up when it wasn't happening for us right away. There is so much "stuff" surrounding the Idea  |  Dream  |  Wish. There is emotional, mental, spiritual and physical things that have built up over the years and I now want to see what it looks like to unstuff this journey. 
    In my journey with infertility, I've often felt victimized by my circumstance. The last 5 years have been filled with waves of inspiration and waves of devastation. Times when I thought the water was too deep and I wouldn't make it. But mostly, I had created this space in myself that was my retreat, my hole. The journey to create our family didn't start out this way, rather it began surrounded with Hope  |  Excitement  |  Love, but as time and space were created, impatience set in and the childlessness overtook me and shifted.
    Infants, belly bumps and expecting parents drove me deeper into my darkness and when asked when we were going to have children my answer was blunt because I wasn't Able  | Willing  |  Ready to participate in conversation. I'd run into my hole to feel safe because I felt Embarrassed  |  Ashamed  |  Alone of my own childlessness. The pain of thinking I was the only one who was dealing with this was even more reclusive and I began to rely on my old patterns to try and numb it. Food sat beside me (even more than ever before) and in the first four years of our infertility journey, my body and health paid the price for my emotional and mental disconnection. Sadness turned into Anger  | Envy   | Grief. 

    I grew weary of interactions with the world. I disconnected and shut away from people, I found it particularly challenging to be with people who were  Trying  |  Expecting  |  Were New Parents and thought it was easier to avoid them all together. With fear in the drivers seat and armed with a million reasons why, I thought my retreat was protecting me from feeling any pain. My heart ached, only longing to be felt and my head throbbed trying to control it all because it was all too much to manage. 
    Those first few years are a haze, I'm not sure how I actually made it through, but I did. But with that wisdom, I reached a point where I recognized that this hiding wasn't working for me or my life any longer. And even though I didn't know where to begin, I knew I had to start somewhere. The pain of disconnection felt worse than the pain of engagement. Up until that point fear drove the stalled healing and as much as I didn't want to hurt, I didn't want to heal either. Mostly because I didn't know how to do that, (there isn't an instruction manual or step-by-step guide out there). And as I began to pull myself out of the hole, my head tried to convince me it would be "better" to keep the pain. Yes, it hurt, but if I felt into it, what new pain would I have to experience? Fortunately, deep within, words began to form, emotions were expressed and soon I found myself not filling the hole with stuff, but surrounding it with love. Taking note of the times I would stand outside of the hole and just look in. As well as the times I would willingly jump inside to hide. 
    When our Godson was born in 2012, the most beautiful shift occurred with this journey. I was offered the choice to engage in the preciousness of life. His presence shined another light and my heart bounded forward and soon I found my life filled with Hope  |  Trust  |  Love. The choice I made in those moments of baby cuddles allowed me to start seeing myself differently. Maybe I wasn't a childless mother after all? Maybe I wasn't a victim of infertility? And maybe, just maybe, I could start to uncover what my life could look like with children in it. I realized also that if my head stopped trying to figure it all out, my heart could lead me into wonderful, amazing moments of connection. The patterns started coming forward and with clarity, the root of this pain was unearthed:

I thought I was unworthy of 
Creation  |  Purpose  |  Love.

9 Months and What If's

    Sometimes I think, "what would my life be life if we would have created a little one 5 years ago?"
    Sometimes I think, "what have I learned in the last 9 months with my O.M.I. Life journey?" And I see it, I feel it, I read it. This journey has provided much needed Growth  |  Healing  |  Love. But even as I prepared for this blog, I thought about how this length of time - 9 months - is also the length of time a baby takes to grow and come into the world. I see the connection and that the idea of becoming a mother is actually less important than understanding what really matters and that through this desire, I wanted to feel worthy of creation and love.
    In the last 9 months I have grown beyond my imagine. I've dug down deep to understand my purpose, found my voice and started to heal. I've actually created a more meaningful and healthy life than ever before and the gift is in the knowing that while I may not have a physical child, my journey to find myself has created a new life - mine!
    My life has shifted into this introspective space, realizing that we are all just trying to work with the holes we have.  Your hole may not be infertility or food, but inside you there is a space that you retreat to if you are Unsure  |  Disconnected  |  Afraid. You know what it is and what takes you there. But do you know how to start seeing the hole for what it really is and seeing that you have choices? Somewhere inside, if you pay attention, you'll feel that little light wanting to shine, reminding you that you are worthy of life and love and all the things you don't "think" you deserve - you actually do. And what really matters isn't what could have been, but rather what is and trusting that the things of the future are connected to the choices made today. 
    And lastly, sometimes I think, "what if all that I have been through and all that I am doing, has lead me to this moment where I sit blogging about my journey, feeling connected to the Universe  |  Angels  |  God trusting that this time has been for me to create new life? And maybe that this journey of inspiring happiness was to realize that no one alone can be responsible for my Happiness  |  Love  |  Healing, that it has to come from this pure place within myself. And I realize the amazing lesson: 

Instead of filling the holes with stuff of the wrong sort

Start surrounding the holes with love

The Stuff of Unstuffing, Days 1-11

Reflections on Emotional Eating

    On June 1st I set my intention to unstuff: "I've come to realize how much "stuff" I have in my life. Some stuff I love, some stuff I'd like to ignore, but mostly, I see how some of this "stuff" is just hanging about, not really doing anything, but is taking up my space and energy. It will be a journey, with a lot of heart to hearts. I want to create space for emotions (and unstuff the link to food). To make space with financial choices (and unstuff the stress). But most importantly, I want to create | make | and have more meaningful connections (and unstuff isolating and hanging on to fear)!"

    I knew it was it was the right time and that this would be a very important part of my journey. The real conversations with my heart and head have allowed me to discover the boundaries around my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual "stuff". I've come to realize how attached I was. Stuff that makes my heart smile (family time, friendship, baking, blogging) and stuff that makes me sad (not making space for my emotions before taking action, boundaries that stem from fear, eating without mindfulness).

    Usually the idea of letting go, living freely without structure is beyond my comfort zone (and I have been intentionally unstuffing this pattern too!)  I'm going inward to shine outward. Taking time to really be with my thoughts and emotions. This journey started out with a tremendous amount of discomfort. My mind began fumbling for safety (old patterns can be challenging to transform) and in the blink of an eye, I turned to an old pattern: food = comfort. 

    OUCH! Nearly 9 months ago I began my dietary change and have transformed nearly 80 pounds away. I'd grown use to weekly weight loss, but when I stayed the same weight last week, I doubted it all. Did I hit my plateau? No! I knew what did it. I was trying to stuff away my emotions and even though the food fit within my O.M.I. life foods to love, it went beyond nutrition and I slid into addiction. I stopped eating to live and started living to eat. I'd ping-pong between the cupboard and fridge and back again. The salty  |  sweet  |  salty came up again and again and it all seemed to happen so quickly, I barely noticed it, until the number on the scale registered. 
    It isn't easy to own that my relationship with food is still on the mend, but it is the truth. That I am a recovering addict - a foodaholic and one bite, if done without intention, can push me over the edge. But I won't let this name be a boundary for me any longer, I won't play victim to my own negative self-talk. Instead I'm going to learn how to let love in, to realize the beautiful power I have in the choices I make and to know that I am healing.

    And thus begins my journey with unstuffing. I recognized four areas of my life where I can unstuff. From the physical stuff (do I really need this anymore?) to the emotional stuff (how can I feel into my emotions, rather than stuffing them down or taking action before I'm ready?) to the mental stuff (how can I love myself when my head fills with negative self-talk that only derails my actions, deflates my self-worth and denies my gifts?) to the spiritual stuff (how can I trust that everything happens for a reason and stems from universal love?) And so I share the lessons I've learned, the questions I've asked and the faith to trust in the healing power of this intention.

Physical Stuff 

    11 days ago I began selecting 5 physical items in my environment to donate | sell | or recycle. I plan to do this each day (that’s 150 items by June 30^th) . There was a beautiful sense of the importance of “getting it all out there”. And with a willing heart, I made space in our living room for all the stuff that will be moving on. 
    Now, with 55 items out in the open, I am realizing the boundaries I have around getting this stuff out of the house. I don't actually want the mess, I want it gone (a pattern to unstuff : finding space to have healthy messes). I also recognized that I just wanted to grab all 150 items and be done with it (an old pattern too). But there is something around this and it is more important than I ever imagined. So, am I ready start unstuffing and create space? 

Mental Stuff:

     By being intentional with unstuffing, I am throwing it all in and that includes the fear-based boundaries running around in my head! And in this time of change, many old patterns have resurfaced, asking to be healed. 
     One of these patterns is with food. And even when I made choices that were unhealthy over the last 2 weeks, it happened for a reason right? I needed to understand how deep this connection was and make space to unstuff even more. Yes, I have made beautiful growth with my food transformation and have transformed nearly 80 pounds away, but these 2 weeks of frustration allowed me to realize that this was another part of the journey. I’ve been able to honor and transform patterns up until this point and I couldn’t have dealt with this any sooner than this moment because I wouldn’t have been ready. So, am I ready to start unstuffing the cravings? 

Emotional Stuff: 

    I’ve begun to recognize how my emotional stuff is tangled in with my mental stuff. I want to create space for my feelings, to learn how to feel before I take action. So, am I ready to learn how to unstuff to make space for my emotions before I take action?

Spiritual Stuff:

     I’ve grown into seeing the connection between all things and the importance of being in the moment. Seeing the delicate fabric of love and how it connects and covers us all. Each choice (even the painful ones) are meant for us to learn from. So am I ready to start unstuffing fear to trust love and learn?

It's About Choices

Sometimes I Think...

How easy it used to be to grab a bite to eat

How drive-thru's seemed quicker than preparing something at home

How this new way of eating is challenging

And sometimes I chose to eat, rather than feel

Yes, I used food to cover over | stuff down | hide from 
what I was really feeling inside

Food was my addiction
and though I thought I hid it, 
my 300 pound body hid nothing
No, that wasn't fair | right | or wrong 
it just was what it was
And sometimes I chose to hide, rather than shine

I think about how I used to look. 
I think about how I used to feel.
And it crumbles there.

Not so much in the looks. No, it's in the feeling.

It wasn't normal to have weekly/daily migraines or stomach issues.

But trying to be normal or judging myself
was just another mind field waiting to explode

And sometimes I chose to judge, rather than love

Yes, I'm sensitive to foods
(Truth is, I always was, I just ignored the signals)

Yes, if I go out to dinner
I ask for every ingredient in the dish.
And if I need special accommodations, I ask for them.
And if you make me something, I'll ask too.
This isn't personal, it's my life.
Now, I'm choosing to love my body more than food.

How can I be living my life 
with a significant percentage of my physical self gone, 

But choose to feel more like who I was meant to be?

 Because this time, 
my journey of 

healing | transforming | loving

has given me strength to make choices
And in those choices
I've discovered my beautiful gifts.

They just lived inside of me

waiting for me to 
Choose to Shine

Let Me Shine: I Love To Bake

My love for baking brings tremendous joy to my life and my heart always shines a little brighter when I am creating something in the kitchen. Since the age of 3 I have loved taking flour, sugar, butter (or Bisquick for that matter) and making something delicious to eat. But in September 2012, when I began changing the foods I ate, I struggled with this passion and the internal debate began. 

"Can both my passion for baking and 

my O.M.I. Life food styles exist?" 

    For months, this question haunted me. I've tried pushing myself into only doing gluten-free, dairy-free, refined sugar-free and corn-free baking. And while I loved being able to enjoy these sweet treats (my mini-donuts and pineapple upside down cake are truly amazing!) I felt the tug on my heart to bake my other favorite treats (my Cake Pops are both magical and my craft!)
    So, a few months ago when my husband asked me to whip up a sweet treat for his work, I found myself inspired to make 10 different types of mini cupcakes. Those flour, sugar and butter creations made my heart sing and I was filled with the passion I hadn't felt in a long time. I rediscovered my love and gift for baking (and his coworkers loved them too!)
    Feedback was overwhelmingly positive and to hear they were cleared out by lunch time, I felt blessed. Not only had I jumped in whole heatedly to the challenge, but I used my gift and that felt great. But a little light shined down that day. There were a few people in his office who had Celiac, nut allergies and were diabetic. My heart burst open, I can make treats for them too and even though I cannot guarantee there will be no cross contamination, I can do my best, because I get it!
    So for the next cupcake birthday celebration, I paired those traditional ingredient mini cupcakes with one of my O.M.I. Baking treats! They flew off the shelves and the feedback was equally as lovely. It isn't easy to feel restricted with what you have to eat when your body tells you so. Anytime someone understands that, but also makes something that works for my diet, there is this connection and the thoughtfulness of love simply cannot be described.

The Answer: Both Exist

    Yes, I feel better with the food changes I've made. Yes, I've created a beautiful transformation. And yes, I continue to know this is the right journey for me and I hope that everyone can reach their point of motivation, satisfaction and love within their lives.

    But, I also still love to bake with "traditional ingredients" and just because I don't eat these things, my other senses guide me on the deliciousness of these treats.
    And maybe one day I'll bake only one way or the other, but today, I choose to use my gifts. To bake in both worlds, because when it comes down to it, I Bake From My Soul with One Main Ingredient... Love and that's beautiful.
    I invite you to check out my baking blog: onemainingredient.blogspot.com. It's a work in progress and now that I've finally come out of the "baking closet" I'm sure it will receive more love, (no more fighting the gifts I was given) Let Them Shine!