Reflections on My Infertility Journey
Sometimes there is this space in the day where I sit amazed at the beauty I've connected with for the Transformation | Creation | Healing in my life.
Maybe it is the celebration of my 9th month with my O.M.I. Life? Maybe it is the 84 pounds of transformed body weight? Or maybe it is my commitment to unstuffing? And maybe (well mostly) I'm ready to begin healing another layer in my life. Along with my food transformation, this next layer involves my desire to experience motherhood and the feelings that have gotten bottled up when it wasn't happening for us right away. There is so much "stuff" surrounding the Idea | Dream | Wish. There is emotional, mental, spiritual and physical things that have built up over the years and I now want to see what it looks like to unstuff this journey.
In my journey with infertility, I've often felt victimized by my circumstance. The last 5 years have been filled with waves of inspiration and waves of devastation. Times when I thought the water was too deep and I wouldn't make it. But mostly, I had created this space in myself that was my retreat, my hole. The journey to create our family didn't start out this way, rather it began surrounded with Hope | Excitement | Love, but as time and space were created, impatience set in and the childlessness overtook me and shifted.
Infants, belly bumps and expecting parents drove me deeper into my darkness and when asked when we were going to have children my answer was blunt because I wasn't Able | Willing | Ready to participate in conversation. I'd run into my hole to feel safe because I felt Embarrassed | Ashamed | Alone of my own childlessness. The pain of thinking I was the only one who was dealing with this was even more reclusive and I began to rely on my old patterns to try and numb it. Food sat beside me (even more than ever before) and in the first four years of our infertility journey, my body and health paid the price for my emotional and mental disconnection. Sadness turned into Anger | Envy | Grief.
I grew weary of interactions with the world. I disconnected and shut away from people, I found it particularly challenging to be with people who were Trying | Expecting | Were New Parents and thought it was easier to avoid them all together. With fear in the drivers seat and armed with a million reasons why, I thought my retreat was protecting me from feeling any pain. My heart ached, only longing to be felt and my head throbbed trying to control it all because it was all too much to manage.
Those first few years are a haze, I'm not sure how I actually made it through, but I did. But with that wisdom, I reached a point where I recognized that this hiding wasn't working for me or my life any longer. And even though I didn't know where to begin, I knew I had to start somewhere. The pain of disconnection felt worse than the pain of engagement. Up until that point fear drove the stalled healing and as much as I didn't want to hurt, I didn't want to heal either. Mostly because I didn't know how to do that, (there isn't an instruction manual or step-by-step guide out there). And as I began to pull myself out of the hole, my head tried to convince me it would be "better" to keep the pain. Yes, it hurt, but if I felt into it, what new pain would I have to experience? Fortunately, deep within, words began to form, emotions were expressed and soon I found myself not filling the hole with stuff, but surrounding it with love. Taking note of the times I would stand outside of the hole and just look in. As well as the times I would willingly jump inside to hide.
When our Godson was born in 2012, the most beautiful shift occurred with this journey. I was offered the choice to engage in the preciousness of life. His presence shined another light and my heart bounded forward and soon I found my life filled with Hope | Trust | Love. The choice I made in those moments of baby cuddles allowed me to start seeing myself differently. Maybe I wasn't a childless mother after all? Maybe I wasn't a victim of infertility? And maybe, just maybe, I could start to uncover what my life could look like with children in it. I realized also that if my head stopped trying to figure it all out, my heart could lead me into wonderful, amazing moments of connection. The patterns started coming forward and with clarity, the root of this pain was unearthed:
Sometimes I think, "what would my life be life if we would have created a little one 5 years ago?"
Sometimes I think, "what have I learned in the last 9 months with my O.M.I. Life journey?" And I see it, I feel it, I read it. This journey has provided much needed Growth | Healing | Love. But even as I prepared for this blog, I thought about how this length of time - 9 months - is also the length of time a baby takes to grow and come into the world. I see the connection and that the idea of becoming a mother is actually less important than understanding what really matters and that through this desire, I wanted to feel worthy of creation and love.
In the last 9 months I have grown beyond my imagine. I've dug down deep to understand my purpose, found my voice and started to heal. I've actually created a more meaningful and healthy life than ever before and the gift is in the knowing that while I may not have a physical child, my journey to find myself has created a new life - mine!
My life has shifted into this introspective space, realizing that we are all just trying to work with the holes we have. Your hole may not be infertility or food, but inside you there is a space that you retreat to if you are Unsure | Disconnected | Afraid. You know what it is and what takes you there. But do you know how to start seeing the hole for what it really is and seeing that you have choices? Somewhere inside, if you pay attention, you'll feel that little light wanting to shine, reminding you that you are worthy of life and love and all the things you don't "think" you deserve - you actually do. And what really matters isn't what could have been, but rather what is and trusting that the things of the future are connected to the choices made today.
And lastly, sometimes I think, "what if all that I have been through and all that I am doing, has lead me to this moment where I sit blogging about my journey, feeling connected to the Universe | Angels | God trusting that this time has been for me to create new life? And maybe that this journey of inspiring happiness was to realize that no one alone can be responsible for my Happiness | Love | Healing, that it has to come from this pure place within myself. And I realize the amazing lesson:
Those first few years are a haze, I'm not sure how I actually made it through, but I did. But with that wisdom, I reached a point where I recognized that this hiding wasn't working for me or my life any longer. And even though I didn't know where to begin, I knew I had to start somewhere. The pain of disconnection felt worse than the pain of engagement. Up until that point fear drove the stalled healing and as much as I didn't want to hurt, I didn't want to heal either. Mostly because I didn't know how to do that, (there isn't an instruction manual or step-by-step guide out there). And as I began to pull myself out of the hole, my head tried to convince me it would be "better" to keep the pain. Yes, it hurt, but if I felt into it, what new pain would I have to experience? Fortunately, deep within, words began to form, emotions were expressed and soon I found myself not filling the hole with stuff, but surrounding it with love. Taking note of the times I would stand outside of the hole and just look in. As well as the times I would willingly jump inside to hide.
When our Godson was born in 2012, the most beautiful shift occurred with this journey. I was offered the choice to engage in the preciousness of life. His presence shined another light and my heart bounded forward and soon I found my life filled with Hope | Trust | Love. The choice I made in those moments of baby cuddles allowed me to start seeing myself differently. Maybe I wasn't a childless mother after all? Maybe I wasn't a victim of infertility? And maybe, just maybe, I could start to uncover what my life could look like with children in it. I realized also that if my head stopped trying to figure it all out, my heart could lead me into wonderful, amazing moments of connection. The patterns started coming forward and with clarity, the root of this pain was unearthed:
I thought I was unworthy of
Creation | Purpose | Love.
Creation | Purpose | Love.
9 Months and What If's
Sometimes I think, "what would my life be life if we would have created a little one 5 years ago?"
Sometimes I think, "what have I learned in the last 9 months with my O.M.I. Life journey?" And I see it, I feel it, I read it. This journey has provided much needed Growth | Healing | Love. But even as I prepared for this blog, I thought about how this length of time - 9 months - is also the length of time a baby takes to grow and come into the world. I see the connection and that the idea of becoming a mother is actually less important than understanding what really matters and that through this desire, I wanted to feel worthy of creation and love.
In the last 9 months I have grown beyond my imagine. I've dug down deep to understand my purpose, found my voice and started to heal. I've actually created a more meaningful and healthy life than ever before and the gift is in the knowing that while I may not have a physical child, my journey to find myself has created a new life - mine!
My life has shifted into this introspective space, realizing that we are all just trying to work with the holes we have. Your hole may not be infertility or food, but inside you there is a space that you retreat to if you are Unsure | Disconnected | Afraid. You know what it is and what takes you there. But do you know how to start seeing the hole for what it really is and seeing that you have choices? Somewhere inside, if you pay attention, you'll feel that little light wanting to shine, reminding you that you are worthy of life and love and all the things you don't "think" you deserve - you actually do. And what really matters isn't what could have been, but rather what is and trusting that the things of the future are connected to the choices made today.
And lastly, sometimes I think, "what if all that I have been through and all that I am doing, has lead me to this moment where I sit blogging about my journey, feeling connected to the Universe | Angels | God trusting that this time has been for me to create new life? And maybe that this journey of inspiring happiness was to realize that no one alone can be responsible for my Happiness | Love | Healing, that it has to come from this pure place within myself. And I realize the amazing lesson:
Instead of filling the holes with stuff of the wrong sort
Start surrounding the holes with love
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