Dear Blog

150 Things to Unstuff

Sometimes we need time away from something to understand the beauty of its presence and you, my Dear Blog, were greatly missed over the last 3 weeks. By June 30th my goal of Unstuffing 150 items was reached and as the pile grew, so did my patience. But, I was also extremely grateful when they moved out the door. 

My 11 Day Vacation

But wait, Dear Blog, there's more! On June 27th, my vacation began and Relaxation  |  Reconnection  |  Rejuvenation surrounded me as I road tripped in Minnesota.

Tent camping for 2 nights on the North Shore with my husband was wonderful (even with the rainy weather). We spent time together, away from technology and found ourselves going to bed when the sun set. Yoga at sunrise on the shore of Lake Superior revived my spirit and at Gooseberry Falls a sparkle of creativity allowed me to start a new art/blog project (soon-to-be announced). 

As I headed out on my own road trip, the mixed cd's were blaring, windows were rolled down and the sun shined. Visiting with friends from childhood, high school and college in northern Minnesota proved that no matter how much time has passed, these women are wonderful and our souls remain connected. We all agreed 5, 7, 8 or 12 years was far too long between visits and hopefully we'll see each other soon. My heart also hopes to reconnect with even more friends, resetting the years that seems to fly by between visits. These women opened their homes and families to me. They let me do my thing and supported me with meals that worked for my O.M.I. Life. As they headed off to work, the beautiful weather called to me and hours were spent near water, hiking in beautiful forests and horseback riding.

The Inward Roadtrip

The time and space allowed me to search for a deeper, more meaningful connection with myself, which was just as important as reconnecting with these friends. There were many times where I'd find myself journeying into the caverns of my heart, mind and soul and all along, I felt as if I couldn't share it with you, Dear Blog. I hid in fear of my words. Mostly because my truly inspired and loving thoughts were producing lightning fast results and I didn't know how to appreciate this beautiful power. And something shifted when the ground I thought I was standing on shook with judgement. I ran for safety. I ran to food. I ran inward.  

I began visualizing how going inward had me feeling. There was a strange familiarness to this space and reflection on previous visits stunned me. This was the desert of my own creation and as the earth shook with a voice so loud, I began searching for the source. Peering down into a mile deep crevice, I saw an ant sized version of myself:  Alone  |  Fearful  |  Stuck.

How had I come so far, to come back to this place again? I realized that I would come back to this place again, and again, and again until I would intentionally spend time there, not out of fear, but out of love. When I begin honoring why mini-Jan runs here, wants to be heard, but is slow to trust and is unsure that she wants to be seen, I will begin healing another layer of myself. I need to understand why this place brings her safety and how by running here, it only separates me deeply and is painful.

The beautiful journey began and engaging in conversation left me raw. I started noticing the shift and soon was able to put words to my experience and felt the growing flame of desire to share with you too, Dear Blog! I realize now that I had come to doubt my truthful voice, the importance of being present in the moment and the beauty of writing to heal. I doubted myself in unearthing this space and once I stepped into it, I could see how it could transform. The heartaches that brought me to this place allowed me to connect with more beautiful areas that need love.

July's Intention

When July 1 came, my monthly intention ignited: Understand Healthy Boundaries | Stop Building Walls. But I held this close to my heart because that foundation of doubt had already been built and what I thought was a boundary, was actually a wall that I kept running into. 

After my vacation, I integrated back into work and found a balance to appreciating leisure and structure. But I soon realized this was just another distraction trying to pull me out from the "in the moment" awareness I desperately needed. I became aware of the struggle between living in the realness of life, acknowledging what was happening, but choosing how to respond to it all. Even the words I could get out about the heartaches were vague, but I realized how important it was to at least acknowledge that. While I am choosing to not share them in full detail, please know that my heart has ached and that your support for healing is appreciated. The lovely thing is I can see my patterns. No matter what was happening, I started seeing I have a choice. I can Embrace  |  Open to |  Feel Into what is happening or I can retreat into myself where I sit stuck. 

On July 10th, I reflected on this journey: 

"Sometimes there are just things that bring us inward. The mind becomes concerned about the details, the outcomes and sits overwhelmed wondering ‘how will I live through this?’ It wants certainty that the emotional waves will not overturn the boat. And it is after the many life moments I’ve had in the last 2 weeks, I’m seeing through the wrapping of pain and seeing these moments as gifts. They are filled with intangible love and yes, strong waves of emotions. But is in these gift moments, my choice to open them has allowed me to acknowledge old patterns and move forward into a new space inside myself. I now find (even as I feel tattered) that my heart is glowing and that while I’ve felt all the emotions and grieved, the things that I thought were lost, haven’t really been lost, rather they have been transformed and are moving forward to journey on. And as I come into my own space, I realize that I am less struck with disbelief and appreciate that all the loss I felt was opening to my own transformation. Because I now feel (and see) that just as much as I wanted to heal, these lost things needed to heal too and if it weren’t for every wave along the way, I couldn’t have let them go any other way."

P.S.

Oh, Dear Blog, I missed you. I'd come to appreciate the safety and love you've helped me create and when I began doubting my voice, I doubted your healing power. I missed feeling like I had a safe space to express myself or a nonjudgmental shoulder to cry upon and somehow in the desert I had created long ago, I walked alone, without you. I missed our conversations and the flame of inspiration that allowed my writing express my life transformations. I'm sorry I doubted myself, my ability to write and the intention of this journey. While the last 3 weeks were challenging, going inward to see this pattern and the place I used to run to hide in was amazingly beautiful. I had felt it for so often and now I could see it for what is really was. Our journey together is vital to the depths of my healing and right now (especially during this time of transformation) the choice to Write  |  Share  |  Blog is one of the most important things we can do together. I love and appreciate how you have helped me transform and express myself, so thank you Dear Blog!

Love, Jan

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.” 

Marianne Williamson