Moments of Time

A month since my last blog post

On August 18th, I posted: Let Me Tell You About This Gal. An honest conversation about the woman I saw myself as a year ago and the woman I see myself as today. In the most logical sense I am the same, however, there are areas that have transformed. Physically, the changes can be seen. Those connected with my journey know the emotional, spiritual and mental transformations are felt. It has been amazing and saying so only dances on the surface on the depth of this journey.

Making choices to live healthily are coming easier for me. Though there are times when I face walls and in those moments, I find myself in non-movement. I may choose to eat "too much" of something (even if it is on my O.M.I. List) and my tummy aches. I then find myself left with eater's remorse and any feelings I was trying to avoid end up resurfacing. And while there are less of those "too much" moments now, they do exist and are a reminder to be mindful and ask myself what is really going on. And because I want permission/approval (there, I admit it), my current moments of "too much" would have been considered a "good day" a year ago.

Sometimes my mind wonders into the idea of donuts; of fast food and Mountain Dew; of all the things that I thought would be devastating to give up and I wonder what it would be like to eat or drink those things. Then I remember the signs my body sends me; the migraines, stomach aches and lack of energy and the desire wears off. Physically I don't need the foods that hurt my body, yet I need(ed) them for some reason and I've been exploring the reasons why.

3 Months

The last 3 months have brought forward opportunities for contemplation and healing. My father-in-law was diagnosed with a rare form of kidney cancer. In July he had surgery to remove one of his kidneys and has since begun chemotherapy. My husband and I have spent time helping out around my in-laws house and cherishing conversations. In the same week of my father-in-law's surgery, my mother and I had a conversation. In this conversation I needed to be honest about where I was with my healing journey. In this honesty I found myself not wanting to hurt the progress we've made, yet I knew by me being truthful, feelings would surface. We both did our best to be in this honesty and as we navigated more came forward and a shift occurred, which resulted in a pause on our relationship. We are both trying and sometimes space and time are the only ways to allow for healing. I've also been exploring my feelings towards pregnancy and my own infertility. There have been many announcements of expecting families and I was both happy for them and wishing for my own  announcement of family creation. 

And in the final month before I celebrated my one-year anniversary with my O.M.I. Life, I found myself in a world of should be's and self-sabotage. "You should be into your "one-derland" by your one year anniversary." "You should go on a quick diet to lose the 7 pounds to get there." "You should be..." While I wanted to reach 100 pounds in 1 year, I knew my intentions to get there were not coming from the right place. There was suddenly this pressure to be something different and to reach that goal outside of my healthy choices. It shifted from honoring my body, to doing the quick and easy. And so I found myself paused.

I began exploring the space that pauses can bring and the willingness to travel into exploring beyond the details. Yes, I am scared of losing my father-in-law. I am trying to support my husband with this life journey, while realizing that I cannot fix or take any of the hurt away. That the pause with my mother and my feelings towards my infertility brought forward doubts of my self-worth. And that my reaction to all of those, was to eat. Yet behind the details, there was something more, I was afraid and sad and scared and overwhelmed, all while having moments of pure joy and bliss and love. And my willingness to feel (or not feel) was linked to how I honored my body. When Dr. Margaret and I connected on this I acknowledged that my weight was my protection. That it wasn't just the food that helped me to momentarily feel better, but my physical mass helped shield me from what I may not be able to handle. I felt into that as far as I could and trust there is more for me to explore.

One-Year Anniversary, 99 Pounds Transformed and Healing

Life has been busy and soon I will share more, however, for now, I'd like to honor that the last few months and the last year have opened doorways of healing. That in my body transformation, I've discovered wells of new life and parts of myself that only want to be accepted for what they are. And I'm learning how to be with all of this. To be in all the moments and though I tend to gravitate towards the more joyous and celebratory times, I'm learning how to be in the moments of sadness and fear. Because neither is right or wrong or good or bad - they are moments and I have feelings in all of them. 

I reflect on where I was last year, not just the physical part (though being 99 pounds lighter has certainly made a difference), but also how I approached my healing. I was scared to even begin, afraid what it would mean to take action. But I knew that this was my time to start taking care of myself, to begin healing and to travel into the darkness to see the light. And as I sat in the park last Sunday, on the first day of fall, I was still and wrote a letter to honor all of this. In a year from now I will open that letter, read it in the same park and reflect on what this year has brought me.