Loss and Gain

This Post

There are times when I can write a blog post in the morning and share it in the evening, I'm clear of it's intention, inspiration and the love that surrounds it. And then there are times, like this post, where I've written and rewritten, saved it in the draft folder, deleted it, started over and filled pages of my journal about this topic. All the words don't feel quite right and any excuse I can make to do something else has filled the pockets of time. It would appear that in order for me to write this post, I need to share how I got there. (Maybe it's an excuse to write about something other than what is underneath the surface?)

Some research into the creative writing process has allowed me to see that "writer's block" is less about the words that won't come and more about the shattered pieces in the psyche that aren't ready to be shared. (And in truth, what I want to write is frightened to be heard, seen and felt in to.)

I'm writing this post a little differently than others, (though maybe it will be exactly the same?!?) I want to share what happens when I express truth or what thoughts try to come in and stop me. I'm going to start here, because it seems to be the most supportive way to begin. (I wrote that line and now I'm not sure what piece seemed to feel safest. I keep typing, trying to unravel at the strings that are holding the words hostage. My critical self trying to convince me to delete that line, that the blog post is long enough and that it isn't important. Also struggling with the idea of sharing my internal monologue.)

My body transformation is Amazing 

I knew, many years ago, that my body transformation would be this way. Integrative, slow and that all shattered pieces would need time. Physically: weight is transforming and the reactions I was having (migraines, stomach issues, body aches) are decreasing. Emotionally: increased happiness and more wholeness are being created. Learning to see thoughts that can derail progress and understand that my old patterns, maybe are not that old and how I, in some really honest and truthful way want to explore this. Mentally: I associated weight transformation progress with winning. Started to receive compliments and began thinking these were the only way I could be loved. And saw my preference to THINK before I FEEL. Spiritually: I'm beginning to see how my journey is connected with love and loss. Trusting that I would be supported by my higher self , God, angels and healers as I started praying more and stopped feeling so alone.

Each piece began communicating what was needed and when I started listening and taking action, life became richer. I felt alive like never before, because for the first time, I was acknowledging more of myself. I kept doing it because it felt right and when I paused, I'd try to unearth what was going on. Sometimes this process was easy and simple and sometimes it was long and difficult. No piece was the same, yet as I continued on, strength and confidence grew and began beaming out of my fingertips.

Less Than 2

This represents the journey, the struggles, the time and energy it's required for me to reach a point where my weight  began with a number that is Less Than 2. (I kept thinking that this would make a good blog post title. It's what I've called all of my journal entries over the course of the last week. Maybe it will be the title? Though for right now, it feels as if I'm trying to down play my journey and discredit that really through this journey I have experienced loss of weight and emotional baggage, while gaining awareness and forgiveness. Actually, that's a better title: Loss and Gain.) 

The number on a scale has meant a great deal to me. It's been the physical representation of my journey. I've placed emphasis and importance on the number, because it did mean I was finding support and beginning to heal. Sometimes that number, is all I can think about and sometimes I find myself on a self-made scale of judgement around my weekly weigh-ins.

If the number decreased, I gained joy; lost doubt. 

If the number increased, I lost pride; gained shame. 

99 Pounds in a Year is AMAZING

With food choices that honored my body, honoring of emotional moments and a willingness to explore life, my journey included weight loss and body transformation of .6 pounds to 2.2 pounds per week. After I reached my one year anniversary and 99 pounds transformed, something shifted and for the first time, I found myself stabilizing or gaining. I stayed between 200-206 and called it a plateau, though I really knew there was something deeper. In early October, I had my first migraine in 8 months due to an allergic reaction to gluten. That migraine flooded me with guilt, doubt and shame, filling the rest of October with introspection and a whole lot of pausing in my healing. I honored the need to take a break from seeing my holistic chiropractor. (Though I've only just started to explore the deeper meaning as to why.) I also enrolled in a Power of Purpose course at work which allowed me to reignite the passion for self-exploration and honest introspection. (I'm grateful this opportunity came forward, there are times when the universe creates moments for more love and light to shine in, exactly when needed. I'm starting to pay more attention to these beautiful life opportunities.)

Food Was All I Had 

(I'm sure there is research out there supporting the process I'm going through. Maybe it is like a 12 Step Program, just without the structure? I'm learning how to journey with my healing through honoring my feelings and writing in to it.)

Food was (is) my coping mechanism of choice and for so long it was all I had. Nothing else seemed to provide safety like it. Easy, accessible and relatively inexpensive, food and the act of eating became my co-pilot through life. It's traveled along side of me and sometimes took the driver's seat. I'd allow it, because I needed to. (My body shudders at this painful truth, what sadness is felt in the truth of this line and with tear filled eyes, I see it clearly). It's not that I was completely incapable of living. (Though during several times spent in a suspended state of living, life ending thoughts and those "big" life moments that can only transform a life - whether it is wanted or not - it might appear that there were times I actually was incapable.) I didn't know how to ask for help, so in the midst of it, all I knew how to do was cope and the best way I knew how to do that was to eat.(It also meant that I didn't actually go through and heal from the experiences, they built up over time and eventually I needed to go back, create radical forgiveness and acknowledge how I will do it differently next time.)

I carried the weight of these memories and moments around with me (literally and figuratively). And soon found that I had another way to get through life, weight! It allowed me to feel safe. And it would seem the more physical space I took up in the world, the less I was seen. Food and weight were doing what I asked them to, they were keeping me in a temporary and unstable state of safety, always requiring more from me, because it wasn't sustainable or what I needed. It kept me closed off from others, though mostly, from myself.

30 Days of Gratitude

In November I set out to share a moment of gratitude each day on Facebook, allowing myself to Be. In. The. Moment. There were days when expression would fly from my heart and others where no words could come close to honoring my journey. (Overall it was a meaningful experience and I'm grateful that I was able to strive for gratitude expression daily.)

November 2013

On November 6 I shared this post: "Day 6: Gratitude for entering into my "one-derland" (when the number on the scale begins with a "1") this morning: 198. The last time I weighed that I was in my senior year of high school. The last month or so reaching this goal was more challenging than other big goals had been. A lot of lessons, patience and love were required to reach it and I'm thankful I'm here and it happened the way that it did! — feeling awesome.

And with that, I went about my day, shared the joy and found myself on the "winning" side of the scale. Then at the next week's weigh in I was up over 200. And for the rest of November I stayed there, just above 200. And even though some of this was due to premenstrual water weight, there was something deeper that I needed time to process, accept and honor.

The Prize

When I began my journey, it was all about the numbers, reaching goals and reaching a specific outcome. I've been "in it, to win it," wanting to "defeat the monster that lives in my head" and to "be a better person on the other side of it." I placed a lot of energy, time and money into my healing and in some way thought, "it better be worth it." Sure I had health issues, suffered with migraines and stomach issues and weighed over 300 pounds. Sure I was continuously finding myself stunned in emotional experiences that I didn't know how to support myself in. Though those pieces didn't seem sparkly or satisfactory enough. And even as I journeyed the only thing that kept me hanging on was the idea that when I reached the end of this, I'd get a prize.

Someone asked me last week, 

"What inspired you to start this journey?" 

My answer, 

"so I could have a baby." 

(Let's just stay there for a moment. There was a time when it was all I dreamed of, hoped for and waited on. It was dark in the world of absolution and when I linked weight-loss, with baby-gain, the two became tied so tightly to one another. It was an underlying, silent sabotage, because honestly I wasn't aware of it until this week. Somewhere all of this had become about me reaching a goal weight, so that I could have a baby. And now that I approached being closer to my weight-loss goal, I had feelings of loss, shallowness, selfishness and sadness. Could my journey, back to myself be just about reaching an end result?!? I struggled to see any other meaning for this. I do want something good to come from this, though what if that something good is feeling better, being healthy and creating wholeness in my life? What if being able to do this - BLOG - is the something good that I don't need to wait for something else to happen, because it is happening right now.) 

There's a Lesson To Be Learned

As I started seeing that I was closer to my weight goal of 150, I realized I was closer to what inspired my shift in life, what finally got me to start taking care of myself and that I was in this new world of expectations and what if's. 

What happens when I reach my goal weight? 

Or what happens if I don't reach my goal weight?

What if when I reach this goal, I am still not able to conceive? 
Or what if I reach this goal and I want to adopt instead?

All of this came pouring out on November 6 and I didn't know what to do with it. So I waited, found a well of patience and began feeling in to this space. (This wasn't my first choice or the easiest one, though it was the most important. I kept trying to avoid the questions, because I felt they would bring forward so much truth I wouldn't know how to handle. And then somewhere - maybe a whisper from my heart - I realized that I didn't need to have any of the answers or that even when I reach my goal weight that I don't know what is in store for me, my body or my life. I learned that in the acknowledgment of each question, feeling, thought, I was bringing forward the space of my beautiful vulnerability. In these moments I see that I am not Less Than anything.)

December 2013

On the first weigh in for December I found myself at 198 and it felt fitting to be there. (I felt as if I was ready, at least more than I had been a month ago, to embrace the unknowns, disconnect from outdated outcomes and continue with this journey back to myself.) 

And now, as I continue to journey towards my goal, I'm starting to ask myself, what will motivate me to reach it, sustain it and accept it with all the beautiful pieces of me coming together to heal.