My Improv Birthday & First Recital

Last month I wrote about my first few weeks with my intermediate improv class at Stevie Ray's. And there was a part of me that thought I was going to give in and give up and yet I stuck with it. Not because of the money or my pride, no, there was a deeper reason, I just needed to remember it.

There were a series of events that lead me to fall in love with improv and as I approached my 32nd birthday, I knew how I wanted to celebrate: An Improv Birthday Party.

Invitations were created by a beautiful blonde bombshell I know, who not only took ideas I had to create something so amazing, she also applied her quick wit to add lines like, "RSVP to sit at the cool kid table." I envisioned myself surrounded by friends and family, laughing until the muscles in our cheeks hurt. So yes, my 32nd birthday was laughed in with love.

Best part, I got to get up on stage with one my favorite people: Carl! He was my first instructor and because of his belief in me and willingness to laugh (even when it wasn't that funny) really allowed me to go forward and shine. So to be on stage with a full house, tables of cool kids and perform with Carl, it was like Christmas!

Intermediate Improv Recital

I was nervous! Yes, I get butterflies too. Though as the 16 of us improv students huddled in the green room, I set an intention: Have fun and put out love. The 60 minutes of showtime flew and being able to hear a room filled with laughter is uplifting and loving.

I'm grateful for the joy in which I feel while on the stage and in the classroom.

Be In It

In the last 2 weeks the universe asked me to navigate with the highs and lows, the peaks and the valleys, the darkness and the light and to be present to the beauty of my life.

I celebrated my 32nd birthday and received cards, gifts and birthday wishes from family and friends. Surrounded myself with laughter at Stevie Ray's Comedy Cabaret for my improv birthday party. Captured natures change from greens into golden and red hues. And I did this all, while I was on a trip.

The Trip

A week before my birthday, a connection with inner wisdom let me know the trip was about to begin. My ticket already scanned, baggage handled and the only thing I could do was hold on, because it just might be a bumpy ride. I found myself protesting the inevitability of lesson learning and with arms crossed and a ferocious stubbornness, I exclaimed, "I don't want to go." For I knew the destination, knew the mode of transportation wouldn't be via plane, train or automobile, but what I didn't know (and that unknown scared me the most) was what would happen when I got there.

The journey flew me inward, (though to say it "flew me", is being kind, it felt more like I landed with a thud.) Placed smack dab in the middle of the light less cave I've come to identify with as "a place I learn from". A place where pain, loneliness and fear reside. Where old patterns are familiar and standing still is common. And as much as I resisted, the longer I found myself stuck. And even in my spitefulness, I knew something valuable was to be learned. That I'd discover a piece essential for me to continue to move forward, as well as a piece for me to release with love. Thing is, I just didn't know if I actually wanted to do the work.

The Work

It was emotionally triggering to find myself back in that space. Though this time, I was going to try something different. I was going to allow it to be what it was, to meet it where it is and support myself where I was at. To really be in it, beside it and with it, all while finding a healthy space between who I truly am and what the old patterns were. To accept the journey, release resistance and stay connected with compassion. My constant avoidance hadn't worked in the past and I knew it wouldn't work this time either. It felt liberating and so amazingly scary to give it a try, I didn't know how it would turn out.

There were occasions of tear stained cheeks, (honestly, I think I've cried more in the last 2 weeks, than I had in a year.) Times when anger overshadowed compassion and I lashed out. Moments when my heart ached so deeply, I just wanted to be surrounded by people I loved. Questions unfolded before me as windows of light began shining in through the walls of the cave. How do I see the old patterns for what they are, and even more lovingly as a gift and a teacher? How do I trust that the sun is there, even though I cannot see it beyond the clouds? And how do I support myself as I navigate deeply? 

It felt clumsy and awkward and I often found myself bumped up against my old pattern of avoidance. Awoken at a whole new level, my struggles were around thinking I "couldn't do it," "nothing will change," and "it's hard work."  There were times it really felt that way, heavy and dark and it was a lot of work. So I desired distractions, though strangely enough many of the distractions fell away. (Yet another sign to really "be in it.")

Other thoughts crept in, "I could eat to stuff this down," "I could shop my way around this," and "I could pretend it doesn't exist." And while there were a few navigational tools I used to numb out (Television. Social media. Sleep.) I also brought in tools that I am proud of. Reaching out to my support network, allowing loving souls to see me at my most vulnerable. Pouring love into needlecrafts. Sitting next to the river for reflection. Gazing off into the sky for introspection. Writing for release. And being beside myself with as much care, self-compassion and nurturing I could muster.

The piece that I am the most proud of: I made food choices that were nourishing, fulfilling and portioned for my loving tummy. While the thought may have been there to stuff down my emotions, I made choices that supported the way I want to feel, rather than what I don't want to feel. Feeling better, alive and engaged, those are present when food provides me nourishment and doesn't serve as a coping mechanism.

Always Learning

I did all of those things and it's not that today "I'm done" with the processing of the layers or that when I find myself emotionally triggered, that I won't soon find my bags packed headed back to the cave to stand still. It's just that today, there is clarity. A veil lifted, compassion surrounded and the acknowledgement that while at times I felt minuscule, unworthy, at my personal worst; beyond that, bigger than me, there was a loving space of trust, compassion and nurturing care.

Where I am at, what I'm doing and how I navigate is filled with all the pieces of a life lived with intention. Life is about all of it, so let the fun and fabulous moments replenish and nourish the soul and allow the beautifully vulnerable moments of heart holding anchor in to connect with the most sacred space of life living.

"Be patient and present. 

Allow the tears to release and cleanse what cannot be spoken. 

Know that by being beside it, you are making space for it."

Whispered inner wisdom.

With Love, Jan

Life Takes Time

From a thought, an idea, to action

Moments where your heart knows where it's going

And your head is catching up

Time is a funny thing

It tracks a measurement of our lives

Even I celebrate birthdays and anniversarys with glee

Though does this mean it's the only way to measure life?

I think of Rent, of The Seasons of Love

The five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes

Life is more than that, it must be

So why is it in the time before a vacation begins

Time drips slow like honey?

And then while on said vacation

Time slips like sand through the fingers? 

And a day after my 2 year anniversary

Or my "Birth"day, as a dear friend suggested

Time spent reflecting on Lost Lake

I read a letter I'd written to myself a year ago

Some of what I wanted then, is the same

And many of the things have transformed

The written words poured with authenticty

And yet, where I am today,

365 days later,

I feel different, I am different

And the only certainty I have as I look back is this:

Life Takes Time

There were times

When moments dragged on

Where absolution was desired

And the only console was to honor the feelings

Rather than run

(Though, I'll be honest, sometimes I chose to run)

It's taken time for me to understand and appreciate what nourishes me

To nuruture my emotions and support the part of me that desires to run

And to trust myself to stand beside her, letting her know, it's ok.

It's taken time for me to integrate beautiful foods into my life

To make time for batch cooking on Sundays

Filling my fridge with nutrious foods

And actually say, "I Love To Cook!"

It's taken time for my body to adjust to my transformation.

For the weight that was once needed for protection

To be released with love

And it's taken time as I explore deep layers

Honor all that steps forward

And trust, even if it feels like a single tendril to Heaven

That each experience is for my souls growth.

There have been times lived in the moment

Both measured and the intangible

Times spent afraid and in the dark
And the beauty of gratitude in the light

With the only resolution, being there is no absolution

Life Takes Time

With Love, Jan

The Upcoming Anniversary

Before work world calls me back

Words pour out my finger tips

It's been 2 years on Sunday

An anniversary of...

Life, body, healing
Transformation

September 21, 2012
The day I recognized and seized the moment that transformed my life forever

While "everything" didn't change, so very many things did

How many moons I've seen

And sunrises experienced since that day

Minutes of time pass, leading into days and weeks
Finding it now to be months and years

How often I thought "I'd never make it" to the next day
Not holding strong, barely holding on
Some days met with ease
Others where I really had to spend time to see

 

Stepping into uncharted territory

The navigation set before me

And yet, I didn't know where I was going
No outcome was predictable in that present vantage point

Trust of radical space
And yet I leaped in

There were lights shining the way

Though only a few feet in front

Enough to feel safe

Yet not enough to know where I'd end up

I still find myself trying to see beyond

To see past the light, where the shadow lies

Though it simply isn't possible

 

Place a wish in a jar

A kiss on a star

Connect to the Universe
The "something bigger than me"
Where gratitude and grace reside

On that day
My life could no longer be lived in an ordinary way
Not any more

Trust remains at the heart of my exploratory journey

To be in trust

With trust

And appreciate when trust surrounds a connection

 

I think of my Grandma E

How her poetry and journals now sit on my dining room table

And in her memory, I share two of the poems she wrote

Janet 1

Janet, your grandmother sends you love

You are truly a gift from heaven above

On October 5, 1982, you were born

At 1:17 in the wee hours of the morn

Janet 2

I'm quite lonesome for lively little Janet

I see her clearly in the eye of my mind

Questioning forehead, questioning eyes

Active legs, active arms

She smiles and everybody is charmed

Sweet baby smell, I sniff

Thank you for her, a blessed gift.

With Love, Jan

The Tatu: Love This

Purple ink

Engraved into skin

A mark of a journey

Today, it may be a little bruised

But aren't we all a little bruised sometimes?

 

Sensitive

Of course it is

Near the heart

Facing in

Where the beautiful reminder will shine

 

When I look down

I smile

Because I do, indeed

Love This 

Soul-surfacing: A tatu to honor my healing journey. 

A few months ago I struggled to accept my arms (more like the extra skin that is now present from the body transformation I've been on). I would ramble off hurtful things and one day I thought, "maybe  there's another way?" so rather than saying the hurtful, shameful things, I started saying "Love This." 

Time went on and I started writing this phrase on the inner part of my left arm and other parts of my body where I was holding shame and guilt. It's taken time, but today my arm was forever changed, symbolizing the beauty I've now found in my arm.

The last time my arm looked like this.



The Consultation:
Inner, Upper Left Arm - here's where the beautiful strength lies.



Receiving the news from Kore: "the upper, inner arm is the second most sensitive spot on the body."
(for a second, I thought "don't do it"...)

 

And then I remember how much this meant to me.

We're going for it!

A breath and pause for a moment of reflection.

This is getting real.

It's time!!!

Stand here for disenfecting: and so I stood.

Tatu me up Kore!

After the outline was done, I needed a little breather, some water and cold compress.
There was so much healing happening.

Yep... it's tender!

I do, indeed, "Love This"

We went for a dark purple, the color of people seeking spiritual fulfillment and in this journey, I've found much.

A picture, of a picture, of "Love This"
Thanks to my amazing friend for capturing the many moments of this journey.

Thank you, Tatu's By Kore' for the truly beautiful tatu and healing experience.

Ask Me Why I Do This

Any good story has a beginning, middle and end. A reader is brought onto a winding path, discovering a new world and arriving at a place of satisfaction, hopefully uncovering something that will forever change their lives. Writing blogs is the same for me. I start somewhere, a passing thought or nagging nail, and I write. Trying to uncover the essence of a moment in time and if I find myself with the proverbial case of "writer's block" instead of pushing through it, the words are set to simmer in my draft folder. How does one tell the story of how all the stars aligned to make something wonderful happen? Well, I may not know, but I'm going to try and tell my improv story.

The Impov Idea

In December of 2013, I had the pleasure of hearing Stevie Ray present at a professional development organization meeting. His presence, joy and humor registered with me and I soon found myself enjoying a show at Stevie Ray's Comedy Cabaret at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater. After an evening of laughter, a dance began, "I wonder if I could do improv?" Arriving home, I checked out their website and saw the price for an 8-week class. My mind quickly attached a "that's too expensive" label and so my improv days were over before they even began. Time passed, until one day as I was leafing through the Community Ed Classes I found an "Improv for Everyone" 4-week class. Without even checking to see if the dates worked for my schedule, I registered and so my improv passion was re-ignited.

Within the 4 weeks our instructor Carl taught us the improv rules, the "Yes, And!" "Trust yourself and others" and "Be Present" and somewhere within the first class, I realized improv held secrets of life living. I began noticing how much fun I was having and that the love of laughter was essential for the next phase of my journey. Promising that wherever it leads me, I'd make space for it. As an extra bonus, I found out how grown-ups make friends outside of work; they find people that have similar interests. Making two new friends was icing on the proverbial cake and I'm truly grateful for their light, laughter and willingness to be present.

Intermediate Class

An Intermediate Class became available and I thought, "do I want to do this again?"  While in a hot yoga class in Duluth, I leaned in and saw how important taking this class would be for me - so I signed up. This time the cost wasn't a roadblock, because I was in a place to receive improv's gift. Best thing, both of my friends signed up too!

After the first course ended and before the second began, I came up with all these things about what improv "should be". I actually started telling people "I wasn't taking an improv class to be funny" (Head scratcher that one is?!?). Ego came in and the desire to prove something stepped forward. My brain was off creating stories and was determined to "do it right." I brought all of this and my anxiety to the first class, the sucker punch is I didn't "know" this. Unfortunately for my class, they got to see it all. Fortunately for me, so did I.

The Bermuda Improv Triangle

Then it happened, Day 1, Scene 2: The Bermuda Improv Triangle. As another classmate and I stepped into a scene, we zeroed in on "what" we were doing, rather than "who" we were to each other (an essential part to improv). I found myself getting stuck and soon trust slid quickly past me. (My brain rambled off a multitude of mean and disheartening thoughts that I won't even type. *Imagine all the worst things you say about yourself, then picture them racing through your mind and then find yourself still on stage.*) Trust in others was my next option and yet I was trying to not look like what I feared, "stupid." And even though this scene work was about being able to bring in an off-stage helper, I just couldn't do it.

I wanted to run, but my feet wouldn't move. So I pressed my knees into the stage and tried yet again to do something, I could feel the tears welling up. A stern voice came in, "keep it together, Jan. No one cries in improv." and somehow I made it through without tears. What I didn't make it through was not appearing vulnerable or afraid. I literally hit my improv rock bottom and when the moment to be present for myself came in and I saw all the hurt, the challenges and the fear; I made a choice and bolted, not off the stage, but away from the beautiful vulnerability, away from me.

Even as my improv friends and I decompressed in the parking lot under a star filled sky, I couldn't face it, it was too raw and I needed time. Something didn't sit right with me and yet, I was too close to it to provide any sort of healthy perspective. Somehow I hoped I could just "pretend" that it didn't happen. Yet, sure enough as the as the second class approached, I wasn't ready to face it either.

Improv Is Meant To Be Fun

Kind words from my improv friends, introspection and a week off from improv class, allowed me to create a space of exploration. So I got reflective last week and when I started unraveling all the pieces, I asked for help. 

I knew improv would rock me out of my comfort zone, that gentle nurturing would be needed and that I would learn something new. It turns out I forgot this while I was in my beautiful vulnerability on stage. At the heart of this lesson, I was afraid of looking vulnerable, too afraid or too stubborn to ask for help from scene mates and angry that I wasn't "doing it right."

 

The Catalyst

 

One of the perks of being an improv student is getting to attend Friday night shows to observe, intake and laugh. Last Friday, my improv friends and I took our seats in the theater and as the show began, out came Stevie Ray (the creator of the company and the man who inspired my improv journey). As he led the troupe in sublime improv, I found all sorts of sparks of inspiration dancing within me. 

Being able to reconnect with our first instructor Carl was filled with merriment and gratitude. Then Stevie Ray came over and our conversation opened another door into my improv passion. He began sharing his philosophy and that the classes aren't just for people who want to do improv, but for those who want to think quickly on their feet, increase confidence and like to laugh. The conversation continued on and while I don't remember the exact words, what I do remember is feeling a beautiful shift within me. He spoke about childhood play and how easy it was then to just be a character and the next second be someone completly different. It didn't matter what you were or where you were, it was HOW you showed up.

This conversation became an essential catalyst for me to connect back into WHY I was in improv. Turns out I'd been making improv "work" and couldn't seem to shake the negative thoughts I'd experienced on the first day of intermediate class. I was stopping myself from experiencing improv at its essential form and in this brief, yet meaningful conversation, I reconnected back into why I do this, why I love improv and why it's so important to me. So go ahead, ask me why I do this.

With Love, Jan

Pride & Joy

Changes

Over the course of the last few years, my life has changed, I've changed. Who I once was, how I saw the world and what I bring forward has transformed. Intention setting, writing, blogging and holding the pieces of my heart have created more healing and ultimately, more happiness. By being present, introspective and aware, I've been able to play witness to growth. Sometimes the growth came out of a painful place, a place where deep healing work was needed to cultivate the life change. Other times it was in the sound of a cricket, the flapping of a birds wings or the babble of a creek that brought forward the space of love.

Most recently I've become more in tune with HOW my healing journey is nurtured. Sure, I'd make space for it, because I thought I "had to" and while that worked for a while, the struggle to align had a heaviness to it. A shift occurred as I began working with Maggie - her nurturing presence allowed me to mirror this for myself. To trust that within me there is a loving, compassionate and authentic place I too can learn how to do this. As time goes on, I continue to receive areas where more light, more love and more truth can come in. It may not always be easy and it's in the letting in, even after hours, days or months of struggle, I find out something new about myself.

Minnesota State Fair

Many of my recent blogs (OK, for the better part of the past 23 months?!?) I've focused on my body
transformation, batch cooking and lovely nourishment received when I feed my body what it needs. What I haven't talked about, at least not here, is my love for baking. It's my craft, my hobby, one of my places of happy and it also feeds my life. From the most traditional recipe (hello, gluten/wheat, dairy and refined sugar, which I choose to not eat) to some fantastic Paleo recipe (which I lovingly enjoy eating) - I just love baking. It brings me joy and in the alignment of doing what I love, I can still be found whipping up something sweet in my kitchen.

Since this blog is all about finding the happy. It's time to talk about my other blog - that baking adventures I enjoy here: OneMainIngredient.blogspot.com. I'm choosing to take the focus from WHAT I make, to HOW it is made... with love.

Recently, I had the exciting opportunity to enter my Cake Pops into the Minnesota State Fair Competition and here's my blog post: http://onemainingredient.blogspot.com/2014/08/mn-state-fair-competition.html. This was more than a competition or some dazzling display that captured the essence of the State Fair, no, it was so much more than that, it was an opportunity for me to learn, heal and grow.

There were moments as I was baking I could feel my arms shaking and times when the anticipation of the outcome overrode my enjoyment of being present. Even as I handed in my beautiful baked goodies, I found myself flooded with anxiety and joy, all at once. Fortunately, the friend, (one of the best actually), stood beside me, acknowledged where I was at and allowed for nurturing compassion to come in.

Yes, I'm proud of my win! Grateful I found the courage to continue on with it (even when I tried to talk myself out of it). Though mostly, my heart knows this was essential to bring me forward into a new space of growth. And just because I don't know where it's going, what the end result will be or how I'll be changed, I know that by showing up, being present and saying yes, I'll wind up where I am meant to be.

With Love, Jan

The Weigh In

23rd Month

Anniversary celebrations are a loving way for me to connect in and reflect on the intentions of my healing journey. On the eve of my 23rd Month Anniversary with my food/body/life transformation, I see where healing has occurred and find myself awakened to new areas of exploration. This little life of my has wanted to shine and in the 'doing', I find that the 'being' brings forward the authenticity of nurturing vulnerability. Like a deep sea diver hunting for buried treasure, I too find myself unearthing beautiful gems; parts of my soul that are ready to shine and be shown to the world.

As I make my way towards my 2 year anniversary, I feel the healing breathe return to acknowledge and honor my past, making space for reflection. In the spirit of reconnection, I find myself willing to journey in. Last year at this time I wrote: Let Me Tell You About This Gal. Part of me likes it because my story is there, the waves I struggled with, the pieces of my heart that were found and the hope (and trust) it took to get me where I was. Though mostly, I liked reconnecting with my past, pinning it to the earth and allowing it to be what it was.

The Weigh In

On February 26, the second day of my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, I filmed myself weighing in and observed the devastation that ran across my face for having gained 0.4 pounds. And I realized that stepping on the scale had become a measure of my success. One way or another I'd come out with a black or white reaction to what that number was: "good" for having dropped weight or "bad" for having gained weight. Yet, in the observation of the video, something happened; I recognized a more loving way to honor my journey.

Stepping away brought up fear and doubt, how would I measure my success or know if I needed to reset my eating habits without this number? The first week was hard and then the next a bit easier, until time passed and the shift occurred. The power was taken away from the number and the energy I once poured into getting the "right" number was focused into noticing HOW my body felt. If I felt uncomfortable in clothing, I took notice with compassion. Stepping away from the scale was one of the healthiest choices made within my body transformation and I am grateful I did it.

As time went on, the ease with the unknown came in. The number stopped defining me and noticing how my body felt was liberating. I made the choice to hold myself accountable to how I want to feel. So to my surprise, earlier last week just before bed, I had a vision of myself stepping on the Wii Fit board and weighing in. This time rather than judging the indication of my body's mass; love and compassion surrounded the space. Laying my head down to rest, I allowed this vision to settle in beside me. Upon waking, support blossomed and trust allowed me to see my weight as a number; a data point. 

I AM PROUD

Feeling of excitement and anxiousness stepped forward and before I placed my feet on the board, I breathed in deeply and gave myself a hug. 

 
It had been 166 days since my last weigh in and in humble gratitude, I found the support and trust there within myself to acknowledge the registered number. I have transformed additional weight since the last weigh in and now find myself 111 pounds lighter. As I send gratitude for the journey, for the support and encouragement and for the trust within to honor what comes forward. The signals my body sends me, the comfort (or discomfort) are taken care of with healthy nourishment and I listen; creating metabolism that thrives with greens, protein and healthy fats. 

I AM PROUD! Proud of the way my body has let me know what it needs. Proud of the nurturing care I've provided it. Proud that as the waves came in or rolled out, I kept swimming, trusting that I hadn't come this far to fall off the earth, rather to become stronger, to shine and to thrive.

With Love, Jan

Returning to the Mat

Time Away

It's been some time since the squishy, blue yoga mat, bought a year and a half ago was rolled onto my living room floor. Time passed by quickly and if you looked closely a tiny bit of dust gathered on its rolled up surface. I kept trying to use it, yet I wasn't really READY  |  WILLING  |  WANTING. There were many thoughts about why I "should" exercise and in some attempt to shift the energy I even wrote a blog post about it. Though you won't find it here, it sits as a draft, written, yet unpublished.

In the last few months I've waded through my options, finding ease with the discomfort of the unknown. Uncovering that there was a BIG story I kept telling myself and it was written on the last day I joyfully practiced Yoga Booty Ballet in the summer of 2013. And this story became my excuse to not move my body PERIOD.


Picture provided by
http://evolveyogawellness.com/

Hot Yoga

In meditation space, clarity and compassion came forward, releasing the hold of the story, seeing it for what it was. In travels to Duluth, a dear family member asked if I wanted to attend a 90-minute Hot Yoga class at Evolve Duluth with them. While my brain rambled off numerous reasons why I "just couldn't do that," deeper in, the seedling of desire was discovered.

In the renovated basement with exposed stone walls of the 1889's old City Hall building, ease came in. As our instructor Tiffany led us into our first breath of the class, the flower bloomed with love. Expansiveness was found as self-reflection into the mat providing a mirror. My body spoke in silence and as sweat mixed with tears, release was found. Messages flooded in, received in my heart center and gratitude surrounded the moment. With clarify and articulation, the message to be a Wellness Warrior took root.

With Love, Jan

#ReflectionTime

Woke up this morning with these words on my heart
"Make way for space to heal"
What's in the head is ready to step forward
How "I" become concerned with external details
And awareness of the gap of incomprehensible size

Let the morning write about intangible space.
Awaken to it willingly, though not on command.
In a space surrounded with healing,
Deeper than any life long search could find.

It's not a physical space, though I used to think it was.
Because when waves crash against aged rocks,
Mountain peaks stand firm against blue sky,
A veil is lifted and the connection to the sacred was shown.
And so I thought those were the only places it could be found.
Though after time, awarenss revealed it is here, inside, always.

Introspection Interruption

It's interesting to note, as words took shape and thoughts winded into a valley.
There were other words written here.
Something about church and religion and the stories I kept telling myself with feelings of disappointment, shame and regret.
And yet, here are the published words.
Discovering acknowledgement was needed, rather than write the details
Making a choice, I see the stories for what they were,
Find a way to pin them to a space and time and allow for healing.

Introspection Continuation

I write, unaware of where this is going, words form
And on a weekend, where I arose before the sun,
The written are shared with you, those that visit, though mostly for me.

Many healings and new layers have presented themselves over the last few months.
Finding myself flooded with ideas of what I should blog about. 
Recognizing the "should's" don't come from my heart center.
And looking closely, the "should's" were holding me captive to narrowing, painful and destructive thoughts and feelings.

As I navigate into deep layers,
The pages of my journals fill with words.
Compassion is provided by holistic nutrition counselor
And sacred times with friends, create exploration space.

And in the vulnerability, I kept thinking I had to share it all.
That I was being inauthentic because I wasn't pouring it all out for the world to see. And so I stopped blogging from that space.
A healthy pause to acknowledge where the "should's" come in.
And as I settled into the discomfort, I found myself wedged into a small space, a prayer was sent, "Help me to trust this is meaningful and to hold my healings with compassion and love."

And so today, the words pour out and the desire to write about this quiet struggle steps forward.
Acknowledging the way thoughts, emotions and should's can hold captive the desire to write.
While respecting that these stories and all that is coming forward remain in the space they are meant to be.

With Love, Jan

The Flight of Wisdom

An Anniversary

Something happens in July, I honor, rather than celebrate an anniversary of my awakening

Each year, I find myself arriving closer to where I want to be

Further from the date of who I was

It wasn't easy, the first year, when the markings of a life change came in abruptly

A choice to be made and trusting something I knew only as a glimmer of me, the choice was made.

Her voice was small and presence dim, yet she had beauty and I wanted to know her more

I've often thought of this anniversary as what changed a relationship I'd had forever

Focused on the negative aspects it brought and how in this choice, others were hurt.

Apologies come in waves on a shoreline, forgiveness in layers of ancient land

And in the struggle to recognize that the external relationship so abruptly severed

Was a mirrored reflection of myself, longing to be loved.

So in time, I've waited through the sludge of pain

Been aware and afraid of the choices I made

Yet, after a time of settling in I asked for acceptence

As it's the only way it could have been.

What's done is done, yet before I can move on,

The truthful conversations need to be had

And those come from within, in the silence of my dreams

And when the dreams arrive and awakening occurs that is when the honoring and grieving and placing a descanso upon the earth can be done.

I've grown in the trusting of myself

That "things" no longer need to happen to me, without my permission.

That in the fighting against the wind,

There is a path, where the wind glides with me

The Flight of Wisdom

Wind changes, so adaptations change also

And while my connections happen more often when I'm near flowing like water

The breeze and the sky called to me

On the banks of the Gibbon River

On my journey of mountain gazing out West

There she flew, high into the sky

Wind rustling against her feathers

The harder she tried, wings flapped with furvor

Though she stayed, suspended in the air, not moving forward

Then she, with her wisdom of a 1000 years

Flew closer to Mother earth

And as the height of her flight became grounded

She glided past me with ease, moving down the bank of the river

In seeing the large stone I had sat on in meditation the day before

Her traveled path turned around

Once again, my eyes observed her flight

And she flew high above the earth

Wind battering her beak

Without movement

Upon returning to her inner wisdom

She found the space of sky that moved her foward with ease

This happened one more time

The same pattern, until she knew the eyes of my heart had seen

And in the final trip to the rock, she flew on

Off into the horizon of mountain heights

I Want

To Celebrate my 22nd month anniversary with reflection and gratitude

To Acknowledge where I was and where I am

To Continue to learn, receive and heal

To Be...

Last July I celebrated a 90 pound body transformation and in reflection, I acknowledge how much growth and healing has filled my life since then. The journey of my transformation has been filled with lesson after beautiful lesson and as I reflect, gratitude for trusting in the heart whispers that said, "give this a try" abound.

Beyond feeling better, the scale and my weight once measured my success, though, soon it shifted when the slightest weight increase would register. Making the choice to step away from the scale on my second day of my GiveIt100.com video was scary, how would I know I was doing well and how would I keep myself accountable? Though somewhere deep inside, I found the courage to trust it by how I felt. Navigating without the scale, was liberating and I'm so grateful for this step.



Enjoying a nourishing meal.

This year, our trip out west had me facing the depth of my food needs. Armed with my Salads-in-a-Jar (true lifesavers) I felt prepared for my nourishment. After researching gluten-free/friendly restaurants, I felt confident in where we'd dine. Though there were times when I found myself requesting my dietary needs, being told they'd work and returning to a moving vehicle feeling ill.

Beyond this, there was a shift in my thoughts around this trip and I found myself saying "I Want... I want to go to the gas station and eat whatever I want. I want to not be sick after certain meals. I want (and so the list goes on)." Suddenly, my nourishment became more about what I thought I wanted than what I truly needed. Though rather than acknowledge the thoughts (perhaps I was just not ready), the "I Wants" gathered in the "I'll deal with that later" pile began. Resentment settled in and in the last few weeks I've been trying to make my way out of the layers of anger and dismissed fury.

My body craved balance upon returning home and in the beginning it felt like I was "starting over." Though really, what I've learned cannot be taken away, rather, I just need to take time to sort through, acknowledge and reconnect with myself.

And this morning, as I noticed a small part of my arm that was inflamed, I knew in my heart, it is time to return home. To return to the place where I flourish, am loved and compassion flows freely. Where I honor and create an authentic relationship with myself, health, food and weight.

With Love, Jan

The Reconnection

Road Trip Reflection

In the dreams of my heart months before, a calling to travel west arose and as the road trip plans began, my quest for vision entered in. As our van, filled with camping gear approached the heart of the mountains I, for the first time, experienced the taken breath at the glimpse of snow covered peaks and between the silent heart beat, an awakening began. 

Under the vast Wyoming skies, in a place where initials signed on a piece of paper indicated we knew this was bear country, the chilled breeze seeped through gaps in the blankets, on a bed filled with air. 

There's more stories to tell, snapshots to share and writing to surround the moments of basking in the warmth of suns' rays, body connected with lush earth, being still near the the flowing water. Though today, the words written here surround one of the most important layers of this trip.

The Then & The Now

Has it been 2 years since we last visited this sacred earth? In a place where the Black Hills played landscape to a new layer of my spiritual awakening. Standing on the cliffs of the Badlands, studying the details of the Crazy Horse Monument and clenched teeth as the scenic chairlift soared above the hills or we drove on the narrow roads of Needles Highway. Near the rocks of Deadwood, dreams of a past so real shook me awake, that I needed my fingers to gently pinch the softness of my arms. The trip in 2012 gently rocked me out of the dream I'd been in the last year, maybe longer and awoke me into honoring the life meant for me.

And so here I am, over 730 days later, far from who I was then, yet even more aware that she is right beside me. She and I, spoke on this trip, maybe not in words shared across a space like a friend. Rather in conversations when the fear of heights found me on top of the Grand Tetons. Or during letters written upon my journals' pages or in the videos made for my GiveIt100.com project on Forgiveness. Though mostly, our conversations were held in the silence of the sun or in the gaze of the horizon. Silent to words and when I settle in, they matter less, the details, it was the intention of our connection. And as she looked through my eyes to see the world and as I listened for her delicate voice, we became reconnected. For it isn't the difference the brings us together, it's the journey we've shared.

And rather than feeling the need to move mountains that lay before me in my journey, trying to overcome something that I see as being in the way. I listen and understand that they are part of it and rather than trudge in with anger or resentment, fear or doubt, that by being still and acknowledging, that I indeed find gratitude for their beauty.

These photos honor moments of my life, times when the me of then and the me of now were in the same place. And while the forms have changed and how we see and interact with the world has transformed, there we are, both dancing delicately with our humanity, hopeful and honoring the essence of our being, understanding that healing is occurring in the sacredness of travel.

With Love, Jan

To Be

I live my life with order,

it brings me safety and convenience

Though sometimes

all that is needed is

not to know,

not to plan,

to just GO

To be free

Listen to the rhythm of my heart

Following where it beats

To find myself

and the sacred connection

on the banks of a river

or on the breath of a breeze

J.L.

Where To Begin?

What awakens the soul to move towards where it wants to go?

And how do WE, 
get out of our own way 
to allow for transformation?
 

The part of the journey,
the actual transformation

Is the act of reaching beyond the limitations of our proclaimed selves. 

To go in
sometimes seeming like a fall
other times a confident stride across the room

To the door that will open 
with the beautiful key held within.

J.L.