You'll Be Bright - Judgments

"You'll Be Bright" Cloud Cult

Woke up this morning

Judgment on my mind 

Feeling my heart left behind

Trying to sift through each thought

Recognizing the ones that get caught

    I've been listening to Cloud Cult for the past month and am thankful for "You'll Be Bright" from the Light Chaser album. It has helped me find a way to appreciate this part of my journey.

All the things you'll love

    Last week I began opening to the part of myself that distrusts. And the more time I spent with it, I found myself desperately trying to pry it open so that I could understand it. But a part of me stopped being willing, it slammed the door and flooded my space with judgments about me and my body, my journey with food, emotional eating, and healing. 

All the things that may hurt you

    In my flood of judgment this morning, I tried to find a life preserver. And as I found it I recognized this pattern as a battle between my heart and the part of myself I call the Red Queen. 

All the things you shouldn't do

    Last month, I began recognizing the old pattern with the Red Queen as I searched for a delicate balance. The part of me that needs to feel safe by controlling everything, including situations and my emotions. Even though this has been a part of my life, I am frustrated and

out of this frustration, I want a change.

And all the things you want to 

    How many times has this pattern stopped me from experiencing my emotions? Lashed out in anger? Been overwhelmed with jealousy? Blamed others for my insecurities? Ended relationships hastily? Or released a tyrant of judgments in my own mind?

They're calling your name...travel safely.

The Whole Truth: Judgments

    I found myself losing sight of my success with my weight transformation and this morning I was flooded with judgments. "What have I really learned about food?"  |  "If I would have just had gastric bypass surgery, I would be at a smaller weight now."  |  "If I would just exercise, I’d lose more weight."  |  "If I didn't have so much to talk about, my healing with Dr. Margaret would go more quickly."

Every first kiss, every crisis, every heartbreak and every act of kindness...
They're calling your name...travel safely.

The Whole Truth: It Will Be Alright

    Through many people's support of my weight transformation, I keep being asked how I'm doing it.

    There is no secret to my weight loss. I don’t count calories and if you asked me how many good fats are in avocados or why coconut oil works better with my body, I have no idea behind the science of it all.

    What I do know is that the changes with my diet Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Refined Sugar-Free and Corn-Free have me feeling better. That by reading labels, making meals at home and accepting my relationship with food as it is: an emotional journey that needs to be loved and healed, I've been able to lose weight.   

Every empire, every monument, every masterpiece and every invention

They're calling your name...travel safely.

    In 2012, when my weight registered at 300 pounds, I made a choice and even though gastric bypass surgery was suggested, I chose not to have it. I was intentional about this choice, because I knew in my heart, I needed emotional healing to transform my weight. 

What comes will come.  |  What goes will go.

Exercise is a word and activity I used to dislike. I didn't like sweating or moving in front of other people. I often pushed myself into doing something I truly didn't enjoy and soon began to dislike it. 
But last month something changed. In a surge of inspiration and motivation I checked out every dance workout DVD from the library and after trying them all out, I found it! The one that I not only love moving my body too, but feel connected to the process in this beautiful way. After no longer being able to renew the DVD, I finally ordered the Yoga Booty Ballet set. 
I didn't order it because it promises a "lean sexy body", because it came with an "Ab and Butt Makeover Guide" or because I want to be on a daily or weekly exercise routine. No, I ordered it because when I do the "dynamic fusion of yoga, booty sculpting, and cardio dance" my body and heart love it.

The wind will blow where the wind is blowing.

Let go of where you think you're going.

    When my husband started seeing Dr. Margaret last month, my heart was thrilled. But my Red Queen was challenged last Wednesday when I came home from my healing session with Dr. Margaret. I had received a letter from my mother and it required a lot of time to explore my feelings. In this delicate time, as I continue to heal, my session was spent talking about these feelings. 

We'll never know why it flows where it's flowing.

Usually when my husband and I have a session with Dr. Margaret we debrief on our experience. While I logically understand and realize we are different people, so the time we need and what we need to heal is and will be different. 
When I got home and my husband asked how it went, I acknowledged it was slow and deep. And when he shared his experience, my Red Queen got angry at how my session appeared to be so slow in comparison to where my husband was at.

We've always been what we will always be.

I'm so convinced we have to get there, we can part the sea...

But isn’t about anyone else, not my mother, my husband, or Dr. Margaret. It isn't about me comparing myself to anyone else, it's about me and my Red Queen, the part of me that is afraid to heal. And even though I am frustrated, I'm going to give her what she cannot give herself. I'm going to acknowledge her presence, seek to understand her, accept her and love her because that is the only way I will truly heal.

All your life you have waited for this moment to arrive. 

And you'll be bright.

Music Lyrics

Cloud Cult. (2010). You'll Be Bright, Light Chasers. Retrieved from http://www.cloudcult.com/albums.htm#lightchasers

What Is Love?

"What is Love?" Haddaway

    After last week’s post about Me and My Body, I continue to find myself in heart to heart conversations with my body. Later last week I found myself feeling nervous for our upcoming dance showcase and didn't know why. 

    In the fall of 2011, my husband and I have fallen in love with Ballroom Dance Lessons we started taking at Arthur Murray St. Paul. It's fun to learn something new, increase confidence on the dance floor and as we've learned new ways to move our bodies, our hearts have learned new ways to dance together. With over a year and a half of lessons under our feet, it was finally time to showcase our dance moves on Saturday, February 9th.

Nerves

    I knew I was nervous, my husband knew it and so did our dance instructor. I kept saying I’d be more comfortable giving a speech to 1,000 people, than performing our Tango and Hustle routines. Dance is all about the partnership, trusting they will be your eyes as you step backwards and making dance moves appear at the right time. Both my husband and our instructor have been very patient as I embrace not being able to see where I am going and trust my husband as a leader.  
    I realize now that my lack of trust wasn't in my husband, it was in myself and that this trust was an old pattern. In my blog last week, I talked about what happened when I was 7. Because of this I kept many people at a distance, afraid that something similar would occur and unable to trust that this heart of mine could be safe. 

    This pattern has transformed into nervousness in some social situations, caution when forming new friendships and sometimes even when I post a blog I wonder, "What will people think? Will someone judge me? What will happen if I do this?" So to compensate, I'd find something I could control in the situation, a way to keep myself safe. And if I couldn't find it, I'd close up shop, pack away my emotions and try to just "live through it". It's an old pattern and it has stopped me from doing a lot of things. It almost stopped me from dancing last week (almost). 

    And all this was behind all the nervousness of our dance showcase. And while I’ve only just begun opening myself to explore how trust, safety and control can transform, I feel that while I don't know where I am going, I will learn.  
    Embracing this pattern will allow me to create space in my life to heal. To begin trusting myself in situations and trust people in my life that accept me where I am at and with gentle love support me. 

Love Trust

    On the morning of the dance showcase I woke up and found this sweet note attached to the bathroom mirror from my husband. "I am excited to dance with you today Janet! I love you! XOXO."  

    It calmed my nerves and became a reminder to trust the dance leadership of my husband, as well as the emotional support he is providing. He accepted I was nervous and knew I was stepping outside of my comfort zone with our dance showcase, but with love he lead me to the dance floor. 

What Is Love?

   Our dance performances were wonderful. I found a space to trust myself, the situation, and my dance partner. Throughout the evening, we cheered on amazing performers who love to dance, just as much as we do.
    Our first performance was the Hustle, dancing to “What is Love?”. Bobbing our heads like the Butabi brothers in A Night at the Roxbury, was an instant crowd pleaser.
    Our second performance was the Tango. As we do the corte's and promenades, we don't take ourselves to seriously and often find ourselves smiling. 
    Despite my nerves, I shared the evening with a fantastic date, learned a little lesson along the way and when we hit the dance floor, danced because it makes us smile.

Me and My Body

"Fat Boy" Jewel

    Letting myself recognize and reflect on the depth of this song has allowed me to connect with my own "Fat Girl". I share my journey of losing and gaining weight and how in my 30th year of life, the battle between me and my body has changed. The transformation of my emotional eating has allowed me to stop disliking my body and find a way to begin healing.
    There was this strong dislike for my body and all the things I thought it couldn't do. The chin that sometimes doubles up. My "bingo wings" that wiggle when I wave, seemingly independent from the rest of my arm. The belly that jiggles when I giggle. My weight that was an indicator of the pain I was unable and at that time, unwilling to feel.
 

It Began with A Cookie

     Elementary school brought me home in tears as cruel children slung the word "fat" my way. To feel better an Oreo cookie was offered and at the age of 5 I learned very quickly that if I felt pain, eating something would make it feel a little bit better. 

"Fat boy goes to the pool  |  See his reflection, doesn't know what to do  |  He feels little inside and filled with pride"

    This powerful pattern became my easiest and favorite coping mechanism. If emotional pangs crept up, I'd find the closest substitute for an Oreo cookie. 

When I'd find myself being teased for being fat, a lot of emotional pain would awaken, I'd eat, feel better for a little bit, and then find myself weighing even more.

"Oh, fragile flame  |  No one sees the same"  

   At the delicate age of 7, I began disliking my chest. The size far surpassed other girls my age and one day this dislike turned to hatred. I remember the moment when my chest proved too tempting for two older boys and they used their hands to play a cruel joke. My innocence escaped me and trust for other males in my life was tested. There are simply no words to express the pain of that moment. I pushed it away, somehow believing if I felt the pain, it would happen again.

"Fat boy goes about his day  |  Trying to think of funny things to say"

     By the age of 16 I had built up so many layers to try and stop from feeling my pain that found myself destroying pictures from my birthday. I simply couldn't bear to see my body. I could no longer pretend.

"Like, "This is just a game I play"  |  And "I like me this way"

    So I made a choice and so began my battle with diet and exercise. Soon, the weight melted away and in my senior year I felt confident enough to wear a two piece swimsuit on a cruise. Physically my body was in the best shape of my adult life (size 16 and 160 pounds), but emotionally I hadn't learned how to heal my emotional self and thus I was incomplete.

  "Oh, fragile flame  |  When no one feels the same" 

Gain and Loss

     College came and so did the "freshmen 15." I met a boy, fell in love, got dumped and didn't know what to do. Depression set in and I didn't have a way to navigate through healing a broken heart. The weight I had lost only two years before was found. 

"Hush  |  sleep  |  don't think  |   just eat..."

    In 2004, I met my husband. Our hearts were matched on e-Harmony and as we planned to meet, my mom asked me if I'd told him I was a "bigger girl." My heart ached. Saying it aloud only made it true. He responded with sincerest love "I've already fallen in love with your heart, getting to see you in person will allow me to love you entirely." He loves me and my body for everything it is. That love became a mirror I could stand in front of forever.

 "You mama's pride and joy  |  You know they love ya  |  But not because they hold ya"

    Married in 2006, at our one year wedding anniversary, I found that the number on the scale registered at 290. I was in shock and out of this shock, I began battling with my body. I began another diet, lowered my weight to 255 and physically felt better. But my emotional pain still wasn't engaged in the healing process and very soon I repeated the gain and loss pattern.

"Fat boy says "Wouldn't it be nice, if I could melt myself like ice"  | "Or outrun my skin and just be pure wind"

A Pattern Revealed

 

    In 2008, when my husband and I began trying for children, my frustration and dislike grew as my body wasn't able to do something else. The battle between me and my body began again, depression set in and because the pain was so deep, the powerful pattern and my favorite coping mechanism took hold.

"Oh, fragile flame  |  Sometimes I feel the same" 

    In 2012, when the scale registered at 300 and the best medical advice I received was to have gastric bypass surgery, I was frustrated, scared, sad, everything.
    Out of this frustration, I sought support. I didn't have the surgery and while I have seen others have success with it, something deep inside of me knew with the right support I could transform my body.
    Trusting this wisdom, I found the right support in Dr. Margaret and knew this time, my weight transformation would be different, I'd find emotional healing first. I would take time to see all the patterns that have stopped me, feel all of my emotions from years of being ignored and truly heal. That me and my body would start having an honest conversation and that this time all parts would be physically and emotionally healed.

Music Lyrics

Jewel. (1998). Fat Boy, Spirit. Retrieved from http://www.jeweljk.com/

50 in 135

Creation and Destruction

    I'm grateful to welcome February, it just feels different. With my intention of 2013 being the year of The Whole Truth, January surely brought truthfulness into fruition. As I blogged about old patterns, emotional eating and finding healing in the Christmas Card Debacle, I found Clarity and sought to create a Delicate Balance between seeing my fears and learning to love them.
    The healing process for January was bare and essential, it revealed a depth that I had never seen and I didn't quite understand it all. As I sat reflecting on the unknown, I came across The Dragon Tree; a Holistic Spa in Portland (which I have never been to and/or may never get to), but found a connection. Their blog post on the necessity of Creation and Destruction helped me understand the process and created peace.
    "We have the ability to CREATE on a daily basis that which we desire to manifest... The creative aspect of life can be invigorating and inspiring. It’s...part of what speaks to how we “show up” in the world.  
    The inevitable polarity to creation... is DESTRUCTION... We cannot have one without the other, just as we cannot have light without dark, or good without the bad, it is a part of the pendulum’s swing that maintains a balance in life... The destruction process is just as much of a teacher... as creation, and when we can embrace the opportunities that are presented to us through it, we are able to utilize the nutrients from the decomposition, to blossom once again."

135 Days with the O.M.I. Life 

50 Pounds Transformed Away, Feeling Better and Finding Support
    When I first made the decision to eliminate gluten, dairy, corn and refined sugar from my diet, I saw it as a choice that had a definite end date. I thought, "Oh by Thanksgiving I'll be able to enjoy "everything" I used to eat." Surprise! I'm still enjoying these choices, no longer have an end date and have found they are necessary for me to live a healthy and happy life. 
    Wow! Only five months ago I made a choice to feel different with my body. To allow myself to explore my emotional eating, embrace cravings and support myself through it all. As I find healing, the weight transforms away and while that wasn't the reason I started this all, it has become a nice reward.
    Daily headaches and weekly, sometimes bi-weekly migraines affected me for several years. Now, if I do experience a migraine it is because what I ate my body disliked and gotten really good at paying attention. Amazing how easy it is to notice the physical response to food.
    Many people share their love and support for me through this journey. Many of whom have made similar changes and know that the journey, while beautiful, can also be challenging. My husband has recently begun his own journey with food and creating a healthy life. Yay!

February: The Month of Music: The Janercise Effect

    Janercise [verb] \jan-ər-sīz\  

    The regular or repeated listening to the same song or album for days… weeks… months…and loving every minute!

    Music has always been a part of my life and as those who are closest to me know I can often be found doing this very act, literally playing a song I love, repeatedly. I'm honoring this passion for music again this month.
    In August 2012 I explored my relationship with my mother with three of amazing songs: Turning Tables - Adele, Defying Gravity, from the musical Wicked, Conduct - Cranberries. Without knowing where the music will lead, I look forward to the journey of my heart.

Conduct - Exploration

The Cranberries

    I've loved the The Cranberries since I heard Linger in Camp Nowhere. Through the years they simply became one of those bands that I will always love. 
    In May we had ticket's for their show and although it was cancelled, I will always remain enamored with their talent! When my husband let me know about the release of their new music Roses. I was ecstatic and purchased the CD on our way home from a trip up north at the end of March. Conduct began filling the air, words reached into my heart and tears fell. 

"Now it’s too late, I can see that we should not be together."

    Prior to this moment, we had spent the cold March day in Taylors Falls. Memories from my childhood and of my grandparents' farm played through my heart. My spirit connected with these peaceful  memories, as I honored the love for my grandparents and my youth. A respect grew for the path I was traveling and while visiting my grandparents graves, I asked for love, support and guidance while I was on my Journey Of A Year and Journey Of Change.

"Now it’s too late, we’ve gone too far and we should not be together."

    As the lyrics kept playing, I began to explore the feelings towards my mother. It had been a long time since I was able to be with these emotions. I'd go weeks without thinking about it and then moments like this would request my time and energy. Since setting these boundaries in July of 2011, I could only see our relationship in a destructive way. All along wanting her to just understand, to know why I set this boundary and why I desperately needed this time. I've since come to realize that while I'll accept if she understands this, that it's not about her anymore. That all along all I've really wanted is to know why I needed the time.

"Destructive, disruptive not conductive.
Can’t you see where we went wrong?
Now it’s too late, I can see that we should not be together"

    Often I would ignore the anger and sadness around our relationship, it was simply too painful. Spending time trying to put words to why I'd drawn this boundary, I'd only be left with more uncertainty. I needed something and in the moment of first hearing this song I began exploring why. I realize now that I set this boundary so that I could find my authentic self.

"Take back my life, take back my heart.
I know I can hold it together.
Give back my life, give back my heart."

    There have been times when all I've wanted was the courage to just pick up the phone and call her. And then there are times that I know I'm not ready. There is something inside of me that still needs to be discovered and I will allow myself time to find healing and peace.

"I know we can hold us together. 

Enlightening, enlightening.
When we’re not fighting, we’re not fighting.
Can’t you see we should get along.
It’s not too late, I can see I know we can hold it together.

When we get along, we’re really strong, we’re really strong.
Conduct yourself."

Defying Gravity - Changes

Defying Gravity

    From the moment I heard "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked, I loved it. Seeing the play only sealed this passion and it grew to live in my heart as more than just a back story for the Wizard of Oz. It's a story of life, the importance of making choices and believing that the choices you make are what you need.

    As I began on my own Journey Of A Year, I found familiarity with the storyline and identified with Elphaba, one of the main characters. 
    No, I wasn't living in the Land of Oz, but like her, I was presented with information that shook the foundation which I'd built my life on. I awoke to a whole new part of myself, knowing that my life would forever be changed. 

ELPHABA: "But I don't want it. No, I can't want it anymore. Something has changed within me. Something is not the same."

     The relationship with my mother and my own fears reverberated to my core. I reacted with a new set of boundaries and made the choice to stop communicating with her. I needed time and space to figure our why I felt the way I did. I began changing the way our game was played and stopped playing by rules that only maintained an unbalanced relationship.

ELPHABA: "I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.  
Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!"

    Silence filled the void of these unanswered questions, leaving space that words couldn't fill. Acceptance of the unknown began to comfort me; I didn't need answers, what I needed was time. Time to maintain the boundaries, so that I could listen to what I needed, trust my instincts and acknowledge my feelings. 

GLINDA: "Can't I make you understand? You're having delusions of grandeur."

ELPHABA: "I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but 'till I try, I'll never know! "

    A more meaningful connection with myself and my emotions developed once I began to untangle myself from the guilt and expectations. I found ground to stand on and freedom to explore healing my way. I connected with my fear and the idea that with this love, I've been paying a price. 
    Maybe the support and love I had for my mother wasn't enough to keep her alive or enough to stop anyone else from noticing she was unwell? And maybe the support and love she had for me wasn't what I needed either? I began to see how unbalanced our relationship had become and that even if we both did our best, that maybe we weren't the best for each other at this time.

ELPHABA: "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!"

    I have come to accept that the boundaries I placed on our relationship was a direct result of my fear of failing her. I chose to react to her actions. I placed these boundaries to protect myself, to acknowledge the part of me that really needed time to do my own healing.

GLINDA: "I hope you're happy now that you're choosing this."

ELPHABA: "You too! I hope it brings you bliss."

BOTH: "I really hope you get it and you don't live to regret it. I hope you're happy in the end."

    As I continue on, I know that the choices I've made aren't what she would like for our relationship. But I can hope that she can respect that these choices have made all the difference to my life. That I am starting to find true healing and understanding of what my own issues are.

ELPHABA: "So if you care to find me. Look to the western sky! As someone told me lately: 'Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!' And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me. Tell them how I am defying gravity.  I'm flying high defying gravity. And soon I'll match them in renown. And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!"

Turning Tables - The Journey Of A Year

Fifteenth week of Inspiring Happiness Project

    This months intention is about harmony. Not only is harmony conveyed in the music that has inspired each of the upcoming blog post, it is also about finding a balance in life. 
    Music has always been a part of my life and often I find myself forming a deep relationship with a song. There are certain songs that have the ability to reach into a place where unspoken feelings live and express what I cannot.     This week I am seeking harmony the only way I can, by sharing something that has been in dis-harmony for so long. Not only did my relationship form with Adele's "Turning Tables" because her voice is mesmerizing, but because when her song entered my life, it was able to express the way I felt in one of the most important relationships in my life.  

 

     July commemorated an anniversary of the most important and most challenging choices I’ve ever made with this relationship. The choice wasn’t planned or expected, nor did I think this was the only option left. For years, I tried so many things to make the relationship work, unaware that what I was doing would never make it better. Fights would erupt and would only leave me heartbroken.  

“Close enough to start a war. All that I have is on the floor. 

God only knows what we're fighting for. 

All that I say, you always say more.”

     Last year, our relationship reached a tipping point and this person’s life became so painful that they considered ending it all. 

“I can't keep up with your turning tables. 
Under your thumb I can't breathe.”

I was later informed that something I had said was what pushed them into this direction. My heart was scared and sad, “how could they consider ending their life?” My mind was confused and frustrated, “how could I be the cause? And my body felt ill as my back pain became more severe, leaving me unable to sit for any period of time. All at once I understood that I had lived a life feeling responsible for this person and their happiness. As if it was my obligation to ensure they wouldn’t end their life. And at this moment I felt I failed, I failed her, I failed my mother.  

“So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me. 

No, I won't rescue you to just desert me.” 

Later I was informed of an undiagnosed mental illness and I made a choice. I needed time to sift through these feelings of sadness, frustration and anger. I began to realize that the foundation of our relationship and who I thought I had to be was built on how effectively I responded to her. If I was stable and "in control" of my emotions, our relationship was better. I remember watching them so carefully, so not to upset the delicate balance I fought to establish in our family. I remember the lingering fear thinking if I didn’t make the right choice or say the right thing, that I may lose her. I remember times walking her down from fear or waking her up to joy. The memories haunted me, begging to be healed. And with that, I made the choice and I placed boundaries around our relationship. I didn't feel safe and so to protect myself, I tried to untangle the web between expectations, guilt and my own emotions. 

“I can't give you the heart you think you gave me. 

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.”

As the days went on; I chose to not respond to the phone calls, voicemails, emails and letters she sent. Being asked when I would talk to her next and forgive her. But the words that were said and the pain that this caused was not something new to our relationship. I had grown quite used to a pattern of hurtful words and apologies, only to have it repeat weeks or months later. There were days that all I could do was just breathe. 

“Under haunted skies I see you. 

Where love is lost your ghost is found.”

Choosing to stop communicating with a parent is certainly not a societal norm and sometimes I think about what my life would look like if I hadn’t made the choice I did. Thinking, that maybe if I tried to express my feelings we could have a relationship again. But I’m not ready. There is a large part of me that feels afraid to even try. That my words would only be caught in the wind. So for now, I know that what I’m doing has changed me.

“I braved a hundred storms to leave you. 

As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down.” 

I knew it would be tough and that some people would understand, be compassionate and support me. I also knew some people wouldn’t understand and that my choices would be scrutinized. But I made the choice and I deserve the space to learn how to heal what needs to be healed.

Someone once told me “she did the best she could.” And I cried. While my heart agreed, standing beside that truth of that statement, I saw my abandoned emotions that were longing to be healed and I knew I was doing my best too. And I cried again.

“Next time I'll be braver. I'll be my own savior. 

When the thunder calls for me. Standing on my own two feet.”