How To Trust

Let me start off by saying,  I'm not sure I actually know how to trust, at least not in a step-by-step way. And I'm not sure why this topic of trust is becoming so important to me, though it's continued to play on my heart strings for the past few days and so I write to see what is hidden beneath the layers.

Trusting requires courage and compassion and takes me time. The amount of years I spent avoiding the word, even the concept, are measurable. And the number of times I've walked away from something or someone because the trust was no longer there, well, let's just say, that's a door I'll open another day. It isn't a natural path for me to travel; to honor my emotions and trust that I am on a path for my higher good. And while in the last few years, I've been learning new tools, seeing healers and started finding my connection to the sacred; my innate pattern, the program set to run on default is use to being on the run. With time and practice I've become more able, willing and ready to allow the various learnings to come forward and see that there is indeed a healthier and more loving way of navigating. Though sometimes I really get to practice; to see how my default program works, so that I can learn and it's uncomfortable and frustrating, though it's there for a reason.

The Truth of  How I Trust

It's not easy writing this, nor is it easy to face the part of me that thinks I need boundaries around what trust looks like. It's like trying to explain the depths at which love can heal or the fear of the darkness within; trust is like this for me - often just out of reach of words, though when it's there I know it and when it's not, I know it too, what I don't understand is why. How can I meet someone and know we are meant to be connected? And on the reverse, how do I honor the twinge of discomfort that has me flee a situation for my safety? And so again I say, trust is mysterious to me.

Trust comes from this place of inner wisdom, from a sense of knowing, beyond words and explanation, what makes sense for my higher purpose. Though there is this other piece, the part that wants to know why and sometimes I find myself stuck in the middle. Each time I see, follow, honor or ignore what is going on, I learn something about myself. Though I find it's often easier to say "well, that went well and I understand why that happened," on the other side. Yet while it's actually happening, trying to be intentional, engaged and present that's a whole other story. It's unknown why certain things are placed in our journeys and even I've wondered, why have I not been able to have a child? Why did I gain the years of weight, only now to begin healing with them? Why do I continue to blog, vlog and share my story? And why did past wounds (and even present ones) arrive when they did? It's unknowable to the logical piece of me, yet the one and only thing I've been able to believe is this: I TRUST it's for a reason.

Why Talk About Trust Now?

The last few days I've been feeling introspective and didn't want to write or talk about it - so, I didn't. I placed a "I'll talk about that later" label around a lot of things and somehow this meant run, hide and avoid. Though the other night when I laid in bed, tears began soaking my pillow. No longer able to dispense the energy I'd been using to run, I offered up words to guide and heal, a connection to the sacred was created and something transformed. And in the vulnerability of a tearful connection, the acknowledgment of my feelings nestled at the heart of this lesson. All I was looking for was a safe space to explore. As I nestled into the comfort of my bed, I realized this act, of leaning in, feeling, observing and connecting to the sacred was my act of trust. Turns out I just needed the reminder of how to get there.

So I continue on, accepting what comes forward, because as often as I've tried to run, seeing in the last few days how that worked and then having the release, I realized by leaning in, it felt better. My brain has an amazing capacity to remember and keep me safe and I am grateful. At the same time, I am wanting (and in need of) seeing the amazing capacity of my heart. To trust what comes forward and honor it.

With Love, Jan

Week 13: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

For the past few weeks I've been waiting for inspiration to arrive, knowing that I wanted to do another 100 Day project. And while I'll keep nourishing myself beyond the 100 Days, I want to honor the amazing transformation I've been a part of and begin a new chapter. With the final 9 days left of my journey, I find myself in a place of gratitude and amazement. How did February 25th fly by so quickly? Wasn't I just stomping through the snow in my backyard to write 2.25 for my cover photos, only now to find myself enjoy each of my meals outdoors? This journey and opportunity to share the GiveIt100.com projects has made a difference in my life and I am grateful, here's my Week 13 of videos:

With Love, Jan

For Grandma E

Grandma E

A farmer's wife, mother of six
An old farmhouse that functioned like clock work, when food was on the table for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
And she, Grandma E made time somewhere between loving, mothering, hearty meals and meticulous needlepoint; she wrote.
The cursive loops of her O's were beautiful
And there was a rhythm to all she wrote
Today, I write,
To connect with her, to connect with myself.

I often think of the house that is no longer there
Of the large kitchen table
The narrow, curved staircase leading to the upstairs bedrooms
Of the closet my cousin and I once got locked in (for what seemed like hours, though probably wasn't?!?)

The summers spent on the farm played landscape to my childhood; fields of green and gold
Air, that when inhaled, healed the heart
The crab apple tree perfect for climbing
And their taste that puckered our faces, (yet we kept eating them)
Grandma E somehow found a way to turn their tartness into the best Crab Apple jelly around (maybe because of the love she used to make it?)

Walking through the open pasture where no cows roamed
Or climbing into the corn crib all the way to the top
Or building up the courage to climb the wooden ladder to the barn, seeing the empty cattle stalls from high above
I felt like an explorer of the world

The smell of lilac bushes by the back door
A place where laundry hung to dry, soaked with the setting sun
Oh, and the davenport,
Which as child I always thought was the porch. Years later finding out a davenport is actually a couch. I just knew it was where grandpa went to have his afternoon nap.

And I remember dancing; in the large upstairs bedroom
Sun beams streaming in through the window
Catching the flecks of dust that swirled around me
With a flowing white dress, I twirled
Never feeling dizzy, Just... alive

In all of this, she was there; a constant
And even years later when grandpa stopped plowing the fields or herding the cows, supper was still at 6 pm
It was how the household worked
And I admit, I was too young to understand it all
I didn't get to ask enough questions
There wasn't wisdom there to appreciate all she did and was

And in someway
The dancing, this writing and my thoughts
I find myself connecting to her, to Grandma E
To the parts of myself that long for her warm hug one more time
For her rosy lips to graze my cheeks
To have her chuckle graze my ears
And for me to see her and her life in another way

I wonder...
Did she write about family? About art? About love?
Did her cursive handwriting pour out memories of her own childhood? Was God revealed in her words? And did she find the sacred connection when pen was put to paper?

She is part of me, part of who I am today
And though I don't know all that she wrote
I find when I write,
I connect to her,
To the sacred

That on this Sun day morning
As the light streams through my own living room windows
And the breeze rustles the curtains
I wonder, if I just stood up to dance
Might I feel what I did then... alive?

The Eve of My 20 Month Anniversary

20 Month Anniversary

Hard to believe, (though I know it is true), that my life changed 20 months ago. That I became more of the woman I am today, by making the choice I did then. And that my journey was meant to be exactly how it is; beautiful, compassionate, authentic and healing. That I was meant to journey in, to travel on and that this journey too had a mission: to safe my life! It isn't too often that I truly acknowledge how far I've come, where I've been and the beauty that has stepped forward in each chapter of this journey. I found my courage underneath the weight I carried and this connection changed my life forever.

It’s interesting on this eve of my 20 month anniversary that I find myself sitting in my backyard, listening to the birds sing and basking in the evening glow of the sunset, that I find myself in a different space than I have been with other anniversaries. Something shifted after my 1 year anniversary, I realized I was 100 pounds lighter and breathing more deeply. Yet, I became afraid of the power I held within myself, because if it meant I could do this, then what else was I in store for? 

I found myself hibernating through the winter months. Coming inward and connecting with the deeper work that my soul was ready to embrace. Yet, there were old messages that began repeating and I somehow began to doubt what I’d done, what I was doing and what I wanted to do – mostly, I doubted myself. That pattern of self-doubt continued to play itself out and I continued to recognize it and rather than trying to do something with “it” I practiced staying still. Noticing the triggers that brought me inward and the activities I could do to help heal it. 

The Honoring

Beginning my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment on Feb 25th, allowed me to be even more connected with my journey and myself (today is day 85!). With each moment I shared, I began finding my way back to myself. The videos became a way for me to communicate from my heart and with each week that passed, I found self-compassion overflowing.

Earlier this week, I felt the pull to find a way to honor this anniversary, not just to share the photos, no, much deeper than that, to share my heart.

If a part of me hadn't believed in myself then; 

I wouldn't be here today. 

If a part of me hadn't thought, “yes, you can do this;" 

I wouldn't have done it. 

And if a part of me hadn't trusted in the power of healing; 

I wouldn't find myself moving from surviving to thriving.

It took a series of choices to get where I am, ounces of courage to love the darkness that I use to avoid and loving curiosity to explore. So on this eve of my 20 month anniversary, I don’t know what I weigh or the difference of my body's measurements. (Stepping away from the scale during my 100 Day Journey has been one of the best gifts I've given myself.)

Though what I do know is that I weighed more when I was hiding from issues in my life, than I do now when I lean into them. I do know that I have an amazing capacity for energy that flows from a place so happy to be alive. And I know that as I write, I.AM.PROUD! Proud of myself. Proud of my body. Proud of the choices I made and the courage it takes to continue journeying. And Proud of living my life more authentically. 

With Love, Jan

Week 12: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan

Where I Thought This Would Go

Let Me First Say....

This wasn't where I thought this would go. Yet it started out the way most of my blog posts do, me thinking it's one thing and as I lean in, I write into something much deeper. Sure it's easy to blame the initial response for what is going on and most times I'd be fine with stopping there. (screeching noise: wait a second, that isn't exactly true, though most often it's the default.)

Because the truth is; to write and to explore takes courage and sometimes I doubt that I have it in me. So here it goes, I write about a piece of me that has me feeling a little timid and shy. I've been practicing saying this phrase (3 simple words) for the last few weeks and each time I do, it still comes out of me awkwardly  and hyper aware. Even sitting in a room with my holistic nutrition counselor, I struggled to put the words together. Not because they are complex, rather because of the complex feelings and thoughts they evoke. Like an athlete in training, this muscle of mine wants to grow stronger and the only way I do this, is by practicing (and more importantly, believing) that I am...

Where I Thought This Would Go...

It's the calm of this beautiful Sun day, truly the Minnesota weather shined its glory

And as I head into the Sun evening, I count my blessings

The leisurely walk around someone else's neighborhood. Meals outside, wholly devouring nutrients.

A refrigerator stocked with delicious food for the week. The joy of beginning a new GiveIt100 Project that involves Creating Artitude.

Though there it is, the Primary tab of my email account sits empty and I realize that I am feeling that thing.

The piece that thinks, "I'm the only one who feels this way" a little alone, or maybe just lonely.

So I lean in (because that has become a much more loving friend).

And I find in between the stories that I tell myself and the stories I believe, that I need something more.

Yet my mind races with all the things; the missteps taken, the dislikes and negative comments

They race to the supposed finish line, but are stopped from being typed

Because there she is, the observer in me who notices and says, "thank you" to the thoughts

And I pause, to breathe deeply, because there is something more than just this idea of being alone.

What I Really Need To Say

Beneath the stories and somewhere between The Head and The Heart

There is a connection missing, something valuable inside that I'm just not getting

So I keep searching in or out or upside down, just to see if it will be found

Though as I spoke in a sacred space, I realized it's the connection I crave

Not really to anyone else, rather this part of me, that really just wants to be

To have the option to climb a mountain or swim the sea

To explore new worlds or stay home and comfy

To be surrounded with Beauty or be the one creating Beauty

In a place where...
There are no sizes to match up with the value of self worth

No numbers on the scale that measure the importance of my journey

And certainly no comparisons to others on how they create their happy and how I create mine.

If I want to be happy when I think I am...(fill in the blank: thin enough, smart enough, worthy of creating, worthy of being loved), I want to be happy now!

If I want to be confident when I feel I am ... (fill in the blank: talented enough, poised enough, courageous enough), I want to be confident now!

(And if I want to proclaim from this blog, for me to see)

If I want to be sexy when I believe I am... (fill in the blank: thin enough, confident enough, safe enough), I want to be sexy now!

And that's when the flood of what "sexy" is comes in. The definition shaped from an outside perspective.

And even as I've practiced saying it several times, when it comes down to saying: "I Am Sexy!" a part of me is filled with judgment and fear. Because sometimes I do this thing where I look past what I've done and how far I've come and I pull at the insecurity once more. Though it comes down to this, am I worthy of claiming my sexiness?

Well... I have 2 options: 

1) I could leave it up to others to make up my mind for me about what sexy is. 

2) Or I could honor my internal gauge that allows me to know where my sexy lies.

Because I can tell you the things sexy is not (though maybe, for a shift in perspective, I'll say what it means at a deeper level to me).

Sexy Is...

Being vulnerable, courageous and authentic

Finding beauty in what one creates

Being connected, curious and compassionate

Honoring the journey of the heart

And loving each and every body part

Written and shared,
I see that I can trust more
and believe deeply that,
"I Am Sexy." 

With Love, Jan

Week 11: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com
This week I talk a lot about my blog post from Saturday: The Eve of Mother's Day, why? Because that post allowed me to transform how I celebrate Mother's Day. The week leading up to it I was unsettled and even though I tried to distract in many ways, finally, when I began writing in and examining the pieces, I realized that I was indeed in place where I could look at this day in another way. And this was a transformation, a way to shake the dust off the old way of doing things and find a new way to be in and with myself and my emotions. An act of courage and self-compassion came in and I am so proud of myself for taking the leap into this space of infinite possibilities.

With Love, Jan

The Eve of Mother's Day

A Prelude to the Mother's Day Poem

I write...though it's prickly and deep. And even as my emotions surge, the parts of me that desire to be noticed are held captive to the fear and doubt. "It's complicated," I say. No life coach, therapist, spouse or friend can come close to filling the place inside. No chocolate, or food, or treats can either, heaven knows I've tried. The disconnect I feel, is asking to be seen, to notice the heartdeep and the breathbeat and to notice the pattern I feed, it's here to teach me. Bubbling underneath the surface, here's the space I've been trying to avoid. Tattered and torn or maybe better yet, worn. Yet here it goes, because there's beauty to explore.

On the last Mother's Day I tried to lean in and sent personal messages to each one of my friends. Though this year, I'm going to try another way, because honestly, this leaning in is sliding closer to my heart and I'm trying to feel it, without falling apart.

It's not just the navigating I'm experiencing with my own mother; it's something more, something deeper and (a pause to recognize the glimmer of light that wants to shine in the darkness of my mind) I know what it is. Even as my furbabies cuddle with me all day and my nephews and friends' children are available for all types of fun play, it comes down to this, they simply are not mine. So I don't know the answer and don't have a clue, I'm not even really sure quite what to do. Yet, I keep writing to see, if there is something deeper and wiser in me. And even though I find myself rhyming quite a bit, I am only looking for the pieces that fit. I don't want the wrong sort of right, or the piece shaped like a star to try and fit into the light. I want what is healthy, wholesome and true and when it comes down to it, I just want to be told, "I love you."

So I'll admit, the day recognizing mothers has me navigating deeply. The rising of the pieces that I was trying to lignore. Yet this time, I'm trying something more. To take notice of the deeper desire to feel the glow. To reach inside and rely, upon the tools I have and trust the messages from the sun and the sky. To seek no one's approval of myself or my journey; or continue to fill a cup of doubt, fear, or worry. To journey in and see the seeds, after all, this is all I truly need. To plant the garden I want to grow, where nourishment, support and love flow.

So I reach on in, to the cavernous place and make the choice to write about it, in the place where life and lessons and pain resonates. So now what will I do with the seeds of doubt? Perhaps, make the choice to turn them into something I am proud about? But before I leave this place where I learn, let me take one last turn. Notice the details of the dark and isolated, a space where no flourishing garden can grow, this I do truly know. Yet I wonder, will I still learn out in the sun and under the sky? Where light beams through the clouds and the ground beats with life? In a place where sight and sound surround the vast land. Where love knows only to love and where hope comes with courage from in and above. Where joy happens freely and emotions are observed really. And so to my garden I go, to plant the seeds of gratitude, love and peace and to truly share the final piece.

For my friends and family who are mothers,

Whether your children cuddle and coo or play joyously with you, notice the spark of light they bring to your life

And whether your birthed them from your body or birthed them from you heart;

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For my friends and family who are mothers,

Whether your children purr, bark or neigh,

You were chosen for them and they for you; 
Cuddle with your furbabies, especially today.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For those mothers whose children have journeyed to heaven

Even though they cannot be held each day, they send their love in amazing ways.

In the light from the sun beam between a cloud or in the breeze in your hair,

You are indeed mothers and for you,

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For the women who desire to be mommy's and simply are not,

Explore and share when you feel you can,

Because sometimes all you need is to be heard by a friend.

It begins with practice and blossoms with love

You who wish to mother are worthy of this beautiful message too,

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For my own mother, I send gratitude and grace

For if it weren't for you, 
I wouldn't be able to explore in this vulnerable space.

We are both trying to grow and I appreciate this so.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

(a pause... to breathe... to cry... to allow....)

And for the mother I wish that I were, 

Well, I send her the same.

Because if it wasn't for her, 
I wouldn't be able to explore in this vulnerable space.

For had her wish been granted 6 years ago...

Who knows where'd I'd be on this journey of mine and all the places I would grow?

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

With Love, Jan

Week 10: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan