By The Numbers

The Physical

Over the course of the last 15 months, I've come to recognize how important it is to take care of my health. By eating better and moving my body in ways I only once dreamed of, I have found more joy and less pain. I've talked a lot of about my emotional and weight transformation, though today I want to share how these changes have impacted my overall health including my blood pressure and cholesterol.

My last physical was in April 2012 and as I headed to my appointment in October, I knew many of the changes I've made would be reflected in my numbers. While there is no blood work to showcase how far I've emotionally healed or bar graph to show the rise in self-confidence, there are numbers that support my physical changes.

My doctor was proud of me and thought "let's have your blood work drawn, just for fun!" Normally I cringe at this process, though I'll be honest I was intrigued. I share the results from my physical from April 2012 and October 2013 below:

Weight
April 2012: 301                                         October 2013: 204

Blood Pressure
April 2012: 130/88                                    October 2013: 110/68
Difference: -20 / -20
First number:                                             Second number:
      0-120: Normal.                          /              0-80: Normal.
      120-139: Pre-hypertension.      /              80-89: Pre-hypertension.

Vitamin D (preference: between 30-80)
April 2012: 11.6                                         October 2013: 26.3
Difference + 14.7

Cholesterol (preference: less than 200)
April 2012: 196                                          October 2013: 152
Difference - 44

HDL Cholesterol (preference: greater than 39)
April 2012: 38                                            October 2013: 46
Difference + 8

LDL Cholesterol (preference: less than 130)
April 2012: 125                                          October 2013: 92
Difference - 33

Triglycerides (preference: less than 150)
April 2012: 165                                          October 2013: 74
Difference - 91

Picture as close to April 2012 as possible
(turns out I didn't take a lot of pictures then).

October 2013





A Gentle Holiday

What Has Been

I'll be honest, for that last few months I haven't felt connected to my purpose or to setting a monthly intention. It would seem that the sorting through life experiences unearthed old patterns and had me second guessing myself and my journey. I was unsure of where I was headed and where I even wanted to be. I didn't have a good sense of being grounded and lost site of why I was making the choices I've made. October was the first time since September 2011 that I didn't have (or honor) a monthly intention .

In November I posted a daily Facebook post about what I was grateful for and while this was helpful, I wasn't fully engaged. After Thanksgiving I took time to reflect on what I was grateful. While on a road trip to see my favorite band: Cloud Cult with an amazing friend, inspiration came. Somewhere between the acoustic melody and viewing the bands intentional performance, something was unearthed. The next day I heard from a life long friend who started reading The Happiness Project (a book I read in 2011 and was the inspiration for this blog). And in these moments, playing witness to other's purposes, allowed me to reconnect with mine. I heard my heart whisper: 

My intention for December:

Be Gentle with Myself. 

I paused. It was a huge sigh of relief and I wanted to understand what it took to get me out of my head and in to my heart. Though it wasn't just one thing, it was a accumulation of months, series of events that lead me down this path. I needed to test the boundaries and my rebellious gal wanted to see how much I REALLY NEEDED to set a monthly intention. And I realized that this was part of my intention, I was Trying To Figure It Out. I just didn't know it then and while part of me wishes I did, the other part knows that I needed to journey without this to see if it was important enough for me to journey forward with. 

The Holidays

Each year as the holidays approach, there is an amplified sense of emotions and expectations. Some placed on myself, some from society and others from those closest to us. I celebrate Christmas, create traditions, watch my favorite holiday movies and send up prayers of thanks. Once Thanksgiving ends, I usually find myself feeling a little more vulnerable than usual. And I knew going in to this holiday season I was at a different place in my life. I've been through a make-over, not just physically (though 102 pounds has certainly played a part in this). I've also been more willing to acknowledge my feelings, release judgement and express them. Though I still consider myself a "work in progress," I'm aware that I still find myself vulnerable to old patterns to cope and avoid uncomfortable relationships when I've been hurt. 

I'm not striving for perfection, 

just perspective. 

So this year I didn't want it to be all about the presents or the food, or the things I WASN'T doing. I wanted it to be different. To show up more where I could, create new traditions and if after checking in with myself and I needed to make a choice that might not align with others expectations, I wanted to support myself differently. While I could anticipate the triggers, I was eager to support myself with gentleness! Sure there are circumstances that tug at my heart, having me wishing things were different and yet, right now, they are the way they are. They aren't wrong or right, they just are and rather than beating myself up or doing something to "fix them" in a way that wouldn't align with my essential self, maybe, just maybe, this year, by honoring my intentions, I could feel supported in each choice I make.

It's Taken Time

So as I found myself struggling, frustrated or unsupported, I called up my intention, "Be Gentle with yourself, Jan." I'd breath and find myself calmed and grounded in my space. Vulnerable, yet aware, I participated in life with more with love. This shift in perspective allowed me to journey into the holiday season without having a mental health practitioner on stand by. This was something I was concerned about, it would be the first holiday season since 2009 that I had this. Yet, I knew deep down that only if I tried it, would I find a well of support within myself. I discovered that by changing how I thought about the situation that I could indeed be in the experience differently. This didn't mean that the events changed, nor did my feelings, though how I supported myself with it did and I felt better.(*Disclaimer: Mental health and vulnerabilities are to be approached with respect and taken seriously. I am sharing my experience and it was a step I felt I could take. Though if you are seeing a mental health practitioner and are considering making a change with practitioner or frequency, please discuss this with them. Only you and that practitioner can evaluate if this is a step you are ready to take.) 

The Ghost of Christmas Past and Present

I find myself grounded with clarity and willingness to follow my heart and ask, What is best for my essential self? And as I move forward, I reflect back with love, here are a few reasons I'm thankful this year.

The Red Capri's July 2012, June 2013 and December 2013.

The Red Capri's are a size 28 and what I wore (even snugly) in July 2012. The blue jeans are a size 16 and what I wear today.

The Red Capri's today. They actually make a cute pencil skirt.

Happy Holidays!

Loss and Gain

This Post

There are times when I can write a blog post in the morning and share it in the evening, I'm clear of it's intention, inspiration and the love that surrounds it. And then there are times, like this post, where I've written and rewritten, saved it in the draft folder, deleted it, started over and filled pages of my journal about this topic. All the words don't feel quite right and any excuse I can make to do something else has filled the pockets of time. It would appear that in order for me to write this post, I need to share how I got there. (Maybe it's an excuse to write about something other than what is underneath the surface?)

Some research into the creative writing process has allowed me to see that "writer's block" is less about the words that won't come and more about the shattered pieces in the psyche that aren't ready to be shared. (And in truth, what I want to write is frightened to be heard, seen and felt in to.)

I'm writing this post a little differently than others, (though maybe it will be exactly the same?!?) I want to share what happens when I express truth or what thoughts try to come in and stop me. I'm going to start here, because it seems to be the most supportive way to begin. (I wrote that line and now I'm not sure what piece seemed to feel safest. I keep typing, trying to unravel at the strings that are holding the words hostage. My critical self trying to convince me to delete that line, that the blog post is long enough and that it isn't important. Also struggling with the idea of sharing my internal monologue.)

My body transformation is Amazing 

I knew, many years ago, that my body transformation would be this way. Integrative, slow and that all shattered pieces would need time. Physically: weight is transforming and the reactions I was having (migraines, stomach issues, body aches) are decreasing. Emotionally: increased happiness and more wholeness are being created. Learning to see thoughts that can derail progress and understand that my old patterns, maybe are not that old and how I, in some really honest and truthful way want to explore this. Mentally: I associated weight transformation progress with winning. Started to receive compliments and began thinking these were the only way I could be loved. And saw my preference to THINK before I FEEL. Spiritually: I'm beginning to see how my journey is connected with love and loss. Trusting that I would be supported by my higher self , God, angels and healers as I started praying more and stopped feeling so alone.

Each piece began communicating what was needed and when I started listening and taking action, life became richer. I felt alive like never before, because for the first time, I was acknowledging more of myself. I kept doing it because it felt right and when I paused, I'd try to unearth what was going on. Sometimes this process was easy and simple and sometimes it was long and difficult. No piece was the same, yet as I continued on, strength and confidence grew and began beaming out of my fingertips.

Less Than 2

This represents the journey, the struggles, the time and energy it's required for me to reach a point where my weight  began with a number that is Less Than 2. (I kept thinking that this would make a good blog post title. It's what I've called all of my journal entries over the course of the last week. Maybe it will be the title? Though for right now, it feels as if I'm trying to down play my journey and discredit that really through this journey I have experienced loss of weight and emotional baggage, while gaining awareness and forgiveness. Actually, that's a better title: Loss and Gain.) 

The number on a scale has meant a great deal to me. It's been the physical representation of my journey. I've placed emphasis and importance on the number, because it did mean I was finding support and beginning to heal. Sometimes that number, is all I can think about and sometimes I find myself on a self-made scale of judgement around my weekly weigh-ins.

If the number decreased, I gained joy; lost doubt. 

If the number increased, I lost pride; gained shame. 

99 Pounds in a Year is AMAZING

With food choices that honored my body, honoring of emotional moments and a willingness to explore life, my journey included weight loss and body transformation of .6 pounds to 2.2 pounds per week. After I reached my one year anniversary and 99 pounds transformed, something shifted and for the first time, I found myself stabilizing or gaining. I stayed between 200-206 and called it a plateau, though I really knew there was something deeper. In early October, I had my first migraine in 8 months due to an allergic reaction to gluten. That migraine flooded me with guilt, doubt and shame, filling the rest of October with introspection and a whole lot of pausing in my healing. I honored the need to take a break from seeing my holistic chiropractor. (Though I've only just started to explore the deeper meaning as to why.) I also enrolled in a Power of Purpose course at work which allowed me to reignite the passion for self-exploration and honest introspection. (I'm grateful this opportunity came forward, there are times when the universe creates moments for more love and light to shine in, exactly when needed. I'm starting to pay more attention to these beautiful life opportunities.)

Food Was All I Had 

(I'm sure there is research out there supporting the process I'm going through. Maybe it is like a 12 Step Program, just without the structure? I'm learning how to journey with my healing through honoring my feelings and writing in to it.)

Food was (is) my coping mechanism of choice and for so long it was all I had. Nothing else seemed to provide safety like it. Easy, accessible and relatively inexpensive, food and the act of eating became my co-pilot through life. It's traveled along side of me and sometimes took the driver's seat. I'd allow it, because I needed to. (My body shudders at this painful truth, what sadness is felt in the truth of this line and with tear filled eyes, I see it clearly). It's not that I was completely incapable of living. (Though during several times spent in a suspended state of living, life ending thoughts and those "big" life moments that can only transform a life - whether it is wanted or not - it might appear that there were times I actually was incapable.) I didn't know how to ask for help, so in the midst of it, all I knew how to do was cope and the best way I knew how to do that was to eat.(It also meant that I didn't actually go through and heal from the experiences, they built up over time and eventually I needed to go back, create radical forgiveness and acknowledge how I will do it differently next time.)

I carried the weight of these memories and moments around with me (literally and figuratively). And soon found that I had another way to get through life, weight! It allowed me to feel safe. And it would seem the more physical space I took up in the world, the less I was seen. Food and weight were doing what I asked them to, they were keeping me in a temporary and unstable state of safety, always requiring more from me, because it wasn't sustainable or what I needed. It kept me closed off from others, though mostly, from myself.

30 Days of Gratitude

In November I set out to share a moment of gratitude each day on Facebook, allowing myself to Be. In. The. Moment. There were days when expression would fly from my heart and others where no words could come close to honoring my journey. (Overall it was a meaningful experience and I'm grateful that I was able to strive for gratitude expression daily.)

November 2013

On November 6 I shared this post: "Day 6: Gratitude for entering into my "one-derland" (when the number on the scale begins with a "1") this morning: 198. The last time I weighed that I was in my senior year of high school. The last month or so reaching this goal was more challenging than other big goals had been. A lot of lessons, patience and love were required to reach it and I'm thankful I'm here and it happened the way that it did! — feeling awesome.

And with that, I went about my day, shared the joy and found myself on the "winning" side of the scale. Then at the next week's weigh in I was up over 200. And for the rest of November I stayed there, just above 200. And even though some of this was due to premenstrual water weight, there was something deeper that I needed time to process, accept and honor.

The Prize

When I began my journey, it was all about the numbers, reaching goals and reaching a specific outcome. I've been "in it, to win it," wanting to "defeat the monster that lives in my head" and to "be a better person on the other side of it." I placed a lot of energy, time and money into my healing and in some way thought, "it better be worth it." Sure I had health issues, suffered with migraines and stomach issues and weighed over 300 pounds. Sure I was continuously finding myself stunned in emotional experiences that I didn't know how to support myself in. Though those pieces didn't seem sparkly or satisfactory enough. And even as I journeyed the only thing that kept me hanging on was the idea that when I reached the end of this, I'd get a prize.

Someone asked me last week, 

"What inspired you to start this journey?" 

My answer, 

"so I could have a baby." 

(Let's just stay there for a moment. There was a time when it was all I dreamed of, hoped for and waited on. It was dark in the world of absolution and when I linked weight-loss, with baby-gain, the two became tied so tightly to one another. It was an underlying, silent sabotage, because honestly I wasn't aware of it until this week. Somewhere all of this had become about me reaching a goal weight, so that I could have a baby. And now that I approached being closer to my weight-loss goal, I had feelings of loss, shallowness, selfishness and sadness. Could my journey, back to myself be just about reaching an end result?!? I struggled to see any other meaning for this. I do want something good to come from this, though what if that something good is feeling better, being healthy and creating wholeness in my life? What if being able to do this - BLOG - is the something good that I don't need to wait for something else to happen, because it is happening right now.) 

There's a Lesson To Be Learned

As I started seeing that I was closer to my weight goal of 150, I realized I was closer to what inspired my shift in life, what finally got me to start taking care of myself and that I was in this new world of expectations and what if's. 

What happens when I reach my goal weight? 

Or what happens if I don't reach my goal weight?

What if when I reach this goal, I am still not able to conceive? 
Or what if I reach this goal and I want to adopt instead?

All of this came pouring out on November 6 and I didn't know what to do with it. So I waited, found a well of patience and began feeling in to this space. (This wasn't my first choice or the easiest one, though it was the most important. I kept trying to avoid the questions, because I felt they would bring forward so much truth I wouldn't know how to handle. And then somewhere - maybe a whisper from my heart - I realized that I didn't need to have any of the answers or that even when I reach my goal weight that I don't know what is in store for me, my body or my life. I learned that in the acknowledgment of each question, feeling, thought, I was bringing forward the space of my beautiful vulnerability. In these moments I see that I am not Less Than anything.)

December 2013

On the first weigh in for December I found myself at 198 and it felt fitting to be there. (I felt as if I was ready, at least more than I had been a month ago, to embrace the unknowns, disconnect from outdated outcomes and continue with this journey back to myself.) 

And now, as I continue to journey towards my goal, I'm starting to ask myself, what will motivate me to reach it, sustain it and accept it with all the beautiful pieces of me coming together to heal.

Beautifully Vulnerable

Yesterday I Threw A Party

Me, my doubts, insecurities and the unknowns were the only ones invited and I, in some desperate attempt to see things differently, involved my husband in my discontented projections. He really wasn't ignoring me, though that's what I opened the conversation with, actually he was giving me what I needed, space.

When Did It Begin?

I often find myself asking this question, because, really there was some event, some moment that I didn't take too much notice of that had me falling into myself, unwilling, but mostly, unable to see something other than what I could. Asking this question allows me to start peeling back the layers, where I find richness, a delicate beauty of truth and a lot of trying NOT to go there.

The Creation of Space

When bedtime came two nights ago, I had this idea in my head about the way things are supposed to be and upon waking I realized they weren't and I wanted it to be different. Time was spent in thought, forming words around the experiences that were now haunting me. And I wrote into the unnameable, into the reactions, the patterns, the concerns. Along with this drudge of misplaced expectations, in the peeling back, I found I'd uncovered raw nerves and I simply stopped writing and talking and doing.

Looking back, here is where I would have been gentler on myself. I would have acknowledged what was going on, where I was and the depth in which it brought me into my self-created rabbit hole. And that I would have allowed myself to have the courage to write my way around it, into it and finally out of it. To see it for what it really was. (Hindsight is great into providing a light on a moment that was so dark, though that didn't help yesterday.)

I've done this before, both the going into this space inside of myself that is so raw and vulnerable, that in peeling back the layers, I discovered truth and was able to do something with it. I could write. I could change how I respond next time and forgive myself for how I behaved last time. (But I didn't want to see anything differently yesterday.)

Avoidance

In the next few hours, my cats cuddled with me as I watched something unremarkable on tv and basked in the warm glow of the Christmas tree. I wanted distractions, anything expect exploring that which was really affecting me. My attention span wavered and I found myself bouncing between shows as quickly as my head was bouncing around ideas. Nothing worked though, because it wasn't what I really needed, none of it was. And somewhere, (maybe deep down?), I knew that too.

The silence in the house was broken, while my head stirred with bountiful thoughts. On top of telling myself all the things I "should be" doing, I added comments about my body, my healing, my pauses. And somewhere in the seemingly unending conversation, through tear stained cheers I whispered, "I don't know how to do this."

By "THIS" I mean - how do I pull myself out of my head and into my experience? How do I acknowledge what is going on for me? How do I BE in it and with it? Somehow I started to think I was "doing it wrong" and I needed a really good cry.

Be In It

A gentler love started rising and the judgmental foe began to be seen for what it really was. My husband, the person I asked to be by my side, surrounded me with patience. The reminder that somewhere in this I'd forgotten how to give myself love. Questions came forward, as if he knew the exact words that would allow me to see the door before me. These words sounded familiar and I pictured myself whispering them to dear friends' hearts as they were in their "it" and I stood by. (Today I wonder why I couldn't do this for myself, I was just too in it, I suppose).

An agreement among my husband and I (though it's really a silent one through seven years of marriage, we've come to support.) In my attempt to name it, here it is:

"Don't fix 'it' for me,
help me to start seeing 'it' more clearly." 

The conversation stops being about what the person on the outside can do to resolve 'it' and more about how they can support the person in 'it'.

The Vulnerability

I saw that behind a doorway there is sadness at how I'd left a relationship. I felt into the sadness as much as I could. Because I know where there once was love and trust, I got hurt, didn't express myself, didn't forgive and abandoned the relationship.

I saw that in this, regardless of the other person, I was damaging the most important relationship, my relationship with myself. By not being able to be by my own side, I abandoned what I thought was "too tough" or "too much" and walked away. And before I can begin to reconcile with others, time spent in forgiveness, with myself, is essential.

And I realized within the darkness of my self-created rabbit hole, that I could stay stuck in the bottom and I could remain unwilling to move forward and allow this to define me. Or I could allow this awareness of myself to be a lesson and: I could learn from it.

I saw that in forgiveness, a new path opens for me, one that includes a mending of the heart. And that I can ask for support and be loved. But something new happened, something I'd touched on from a distance, and now was holding in my arms. Others can be by my side and surround me with support. Though I am the only one who lives in this space and no one else knows what this is like, so it is my duty, my obligation, no, really, it's my GIFT to myself is to be: beautifully vulnerable.

~ ~ ~

There is more, underneath the surface and I'm not ready to share it, to write into what keys may open these new doorways and all of this is ok. I'm doing what I can and in this moment, I'm being gentle with myself. There is something with my physical weight transformation and the emotional journey that has followed. There is something with my opposition to exercise and that the day I stopped was because a raw moment shook me to my core. There is something with my healing journey and the pauses I've taken. And there is something in the choices I make. And today, I'm going to do my best to share this.