Conduct - Exploration

The Cranberries

    I've loved the The Cranberries since I heard Linger in Camp Nowhere. Through the years they simply became one of those bands that I will always love. 
    In May we had ticket's for their show and although it was cancelled, I will always remain enamored with their talent! When my husband let me know about the release of their new music Roses. I was ecstatic and purchased the CD on our way home from a trip up north at the end of March. Conduct began filling the air, words reached into my heart and tears fell. 

"Now it’s too late, I can see that we should not be together."

    Prior to this moment, we had spent the cold March day in Taylors Falls. Memories from my childhood and of my grandparents' farm played through my heart. My spirit connected with these peaceful  memories, as I honored the love for my grandparents and my youth. A respect grew for the path I was traveling and while visiting my grandparents graves, I asked for love, support and guidance while I was on my Journey Of A Year and Journey Of Change.

"Now it’s too late, we’ve gone too far and we should not be together."

    As the lyrics kept playing, I began to explore the feelings towards my mother. It had been a long time since I was able to be with these emotions. I'd go weeks without thinking about it and then moments like this would request my time and energy. Since setting these boundaries in July of 2011, I could only see our relationship in a destructive way. All along wanting her to just understand, to know why I set this boundary and why I desperately needed this time. I've since come to realize that while I'll accept if she understands this, that it's not about her anymore. That all along all I've really wanted is to know why I needed the time.

"Destructive, disruptive not conductive.
Can’t you see where we went wrong?
Now it’s too late, I can see that we should not be together"

    Often I would ignore the anger and sadness around our relationship, it was simply too painful. Spending time trying to put words to why I'd drawn this boundary, I'd only be left with more uncertainty. I needed something and in the moment of first hearing this song I began exploring why. I realize now that I set this boundary so that I could find my authentic self.

"Take back my life, take back my heart.
I know I can hold it together.
Give back my life, give back my heart."

    There have been times when all I've wanted was the courage to just pick up the phone and call her. And then there are times that I know I'm not ready. There is something inside of me that still needs to be discovered and I will allow myself time to find healing and peace.

"I know we can hold us together. 

Enlightening, enlightening.
When we’re not fighting, we’re not fighting.
Can’t you see we should get along.
It’s not too late, I can see I know we can hold it together.

When we get along, we’re really strong, we’re really strong.
Conduct yourself."

Defying Gravity - Changes

Defying Gravity

    From the moment I heard "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked, I loved it. Seeing the play only sealed this passion and it grew to live in my heart as more than just a back story for the Wizard of Oz. It's a story of life, the importance of making choices and believing that the choices you make are what you need.

    As I began on my own Journey Of A Year, I found familiarity with the storyline and identified with Elphaba, one of the main characters. 
    No, I wasn't living in the Land of Oz, but like her, I was presented with information that shook the foundation which I'd built my life on. I awoke to a whole new part of myself, knowing that my life would forever be changed. 

ELPHABA: "But I don't want it. No, I can't want it anymore. Something has changed within me. Something is not the same."

     The relationship with my mother and my own fears reverberated to my core. I reacted with a new set of boundaries and made the choice to stop communicating with her. I needed time and space to figure our why I felt the way I did. I began changing the way our game was played and stopped playing by rules that only maintained an unbalanced relationship.

ELPHABA: "I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.  
Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!"

    Silence filled the void of these unanswered questions, leaving space that words couldn't fill. Acceptance of the unknown began to comfort me; I didn't need answers, what I needed was time. Time to maintain the boundaries, so that I could listen to what I needed, trust my instincts and acknowledge my feelings. 

GLINDA: "Can't I make you understand? You're having delusions of grandeur."

ELPHABA: "I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but 'till I try, I'll never know! "

    A more meaningful connection with myself and my emotions developed once I began to untangle myself from the guilt and expectations. I found ground to stand on and freedom to explore healing my way. I connected with my fear and the idea that with this love, I've been paying a price. 
    Maybe the support and love I had for my mother wasn't enough to keep her alive or enough to stop anyone else from noticing she was unwell? And maybe the support and love she had for me wasn't what I needed either? I began to see how unbalanced our relationship had become and that even if we both did our best, that maybe we weren't the best for each other at this time.

ELPHABA: "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!"

    I have come to accept that the boundaries I placed on our relationship was a direct result of my fear of failing her. I chose to react to her actions. I placed these boundaries to protect myself, to acknowledge the part of me that really needed time to do my own healing.

GLINDA: "I hope you're happy now that you're choosing this."

ELPHABA: "You too! I hope it brings you bliss."

BOTH: "I really hope you get it and you don't live to regret it. I hope you're happy in the end."

    As I continue on, I know that the choices I've made aren't what she would like for our relationship. But I can hope that she can respect that these choices have made all the difference to my life. That I am starting to find true healing and understanding of what my own issues are.

ELPHABA: "So if you care to find me. Look to the western sky! As someone told me lately: 'Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!' And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me. Tell them how I am defying gravity.  I'm flying high defying gravity. And soon I'll match them in renown. And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!"

Turning Tables - The Journey Of A Year

Fifteenth week of Inspiring Happiness Project

    This months intention is about harmony. Not only is harmony conveyed in the music that has inspired each of the upcoming blog post, it is also about finding a balance in life. 
    Music has always been a part of my life and often I find myself forming a deep relationship with a song. There are certain songs that have the ability to reach into a place where unspoken feelings live and express what I cannot.     This week I am seeking harmony the only way I can, by sharing something that has been in dis-harmony for so long. Not only did my relationship form with Adele's "Turning Tables" because her voice is mesmerizing, but because when her song entered my life, it was able to express the way I felt in one of the most important relationships in my life.  

 

     July commemorated an anniversary of the most important and most challenging choices I’ve ever made with this relationship. The choice wasn’t planned or expected, nor did I think this was the only option left. For years, I tried so many things to make the relationship work, unaware that what I was doing would never make it better. Fights would erupt and would only leave me heartbroken.  

“Close enough to start a war. All that I have is on the floor. 

God only knows what we're fighting for. 

All that I say, you always say more.”

     Last year, our relationship reached a tipping point and this person’s life became so painful that they considered ending it all. 

“I can't keep up with your turning tables. 
Under your thumb I can't breathe.”

I was later informed that something I had said was what pushed them into this direction. My heart was scared and sad, “how could they consider ending their life?” My mind was confused and frustrated, “how could I be the cause? And my body felt ill as my back pain became more severe, leaving me unable to sit for any period of time. All at once I understood that I had lived a life feeling responsible for this person and their happiness. As if it was my obligation to ensure they wouldn’t end their life. And at this moment I felt I failed, I failed her, I failed my mother.  

“So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me. 

No, I won't rescue you to just desert me.” 

Later I was informed of an undiagnosed mental illness and I made a choice. I needed time to sift through these feelings of sadness, frustration and anger. I began to realize that the foundation of our relationship and who I thought I had to be was built on how effectively I responded to her. If I was stable and "in control" of my emotions, our relationship was better. I remember watching them so carefully, so not to upset the delicate balance I fought to establish in our family. I remember the lingering fear thinking if I didn’t make the right choice or say the right thing, that I may lose her. I remember times walking her down from fear or waking her up to joy. The memories haunted me, begging to be healed. And with that, I made the choice and I placed boundaries around our relationship. I didn't feel safe and so to protect myself, I tried to untangle the web between expectations, guilt and my own emotions. 

“I can't give you the heart you think you gave me. 

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.”

As the days went on; I chose to not respond to the phone calls, voicemails, emails and letters she sent. Being asked when I would talk to her next and forgive her. But the words that were said and the pain that this caused was not something new to our relationship. I had grown quite used to a pattern of hurtful words and apologies, only to have it repeat weeks or months later. There were days that all I could do was just breathe. 

“Under haunted skies I see you. 

Where love is lost your ghost is found.”

Choosing to stop communicating with a parent is certainly not a societal norm and sometimes I think about what my life would look like if I hadn’t made the choice I did. Thinking, that maybe if I tried to express my feelings we could have a relationship again. But I’m not ready. There is a large part of me that feels afraid to even try. That my words would only be caught in the wind. So for now, I know that what I’m doing has changed me.

“I braved a hundred storms to leave you. 

As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down.” 

I knew it would be tough and that some people would understand, be compassionate and support me. I also knew some people wouldn’t understand and that my choices would be scrutinized. But I made the choice and I deserve the space to learn how to heal what needs to be healed.

Someone once told me “she did the best she could.” And I cried. While my heart agreed, standing beside that truth of that statement, I saw my abandoned emotions that were longing to be healed and I knew I was doing my best too. And I cried again.

“Next time I'll be braver. I'll be my own savior. 

When the thunder calls for me. Standing on my own two feet.”

A Wave of Gratitude

Fourteenth Week of Inspiring Happiness Project

     With gratitude, I found myself fully welcoming the end of July, with a dedication to reclaim August. July started out with a our great trip to South Dakota and a week and a half later my husband needed an emergency gall bladder surgery. Bringing us to the same hospital we had been to only a month ago.      
     Fortunately, my husband is on the road to recovery and we are grateful for the care he received. Although any time someone is unwell, ones heart aches for their pain. With my time being divided amongst visiting him in the hospital, waiting to hear good news and trying to still get things done around the home, I found myself filled to capacity. 
     With my husband’s first hospital visit, I didn’t know how to ask for help and felt extremely overwhelmed. This time, asking for help found me rejuvenated. The support I received from friends and family was something truly to be grateful for - so thank you! The kind words, loving support and willingness to help out anyway you could was appreciated!

A simple "Thank You" goes along way

    How often do you show thanks for the little things? 
    I’ve been riding the LightRail for 4 years and only a few months ago did I begin waving “thank you” to the drivers. They get me to work and home safely and all this time I've gone without expressing my gratitude. Then the idea of giving a wave of gratitude became the simplest and easiest way to express thanks. 
    It was a nice feeling to start and end my work day with. Occasionally I found myself hoping the drivers would exchange a simple wave my way. However, over the last few months, there was one driver who wouldn't engage in the exchange. I began hoping for it and then I thought, I'm not doing this for anyone else. 
    No one gives to charity expecting to be rewarded, they do it because they care. So I kept doing my wave of gratitude. Then last Friday, I almost missed it. I had already started walking to my car and was beyond my usual wave zone when I remembered that I hadn't thanked them. So I quickly turned, gave a wave and this time, they waved back!
    Does sending a wave of gratitude to the LightRail driver count as changing the world? I'm not sure, but maybe, just maybe that little wave rippled to another person, inspiring them to show gratitude.  Share A Wave of Gratitude.