Let Me Tell You About This Gal

11 months ago (or 334 days to be precise) I set out on a journey of discovery. I began trusting heart whispers of "Give It A Try" and now awe and gratitude have become beautiful companions. And today, as I head into the final month before I reach a year with my dietary choices, I want to honor what was, what is and what will be. 

Let me tell you about this gal, the woman that I was and will always be. The gal on the left side of the screen is still me and I am still her. We share the same history. Live in the same home, love the same spouse and have the same cuddly cats. Movies from the 80's make us laugh and quoting each line from Dirty Dancing is easy. Baking is a joy and the desire to make a difference in the world brightens are soul. And sometimes we both wilt into this place where we feel unworthy and unloved. 

But this gal and I don't always see eye to eye. And honestly we haven't been on speaking terms for a while. Maybe (well, mostly) because the Jan of Now wasn't ready to have a conversation of truth with the Jan of Then? Because I know going back there, to the place where she lives, might just be a little painful. And maybe I haven't been ready to go there? But today it occurred to me to try. Here and now, I'll approach the place where the Jan of Then was left behind, knowing that I will go in or down or as deep as I can. 

The Beginning of a Conversation

The woman I see standing in the mirror today or writing this blog sees the difference between who I am now and who I was then. The Jan of Now kept thinking "I'm not that gal anymore. I've grown! I've changed! I'm better!" And yes, there are things I am proud of and I'll tell you about those too, but it seems if I said them here they would only distract me from what I really need to say. And today, on the 11th month of transformation, I realized that I left her (The Jan of Then, the gal on the left hand side of the screen) in the past and said, "I don't need you anymore."

Discarded like yesterday's paper, tossed out as if to lessen the value of her existence. There seemed to be too much pain, too much anger, too much sadness there in that place. And I found it incredibly painful to look into her eyes, knowing that underneath the smile, something deeper was really going on.

The Jan of Then

A million people could have told her they loved her (many tried) and that they were proud of her (again, many did), but it didn't fill the space inside where she felt unlovable, unwanted and undeserving. She doubted why anyone could love her, because she didn't love herself. She couldn't see beyond her issues or see what others saw in her.

She cringed at pictures of herself. Her physical mass scared her and after the scale registered over 300 pounds, she stopped weighing herself. Her size 28 pants and 3x tops fit snugly. She  often thought about how the last few years leading up to her 30th birthday were challenging. How her life had changed the day she made the choice to create a boundary with her mother. Only now, after a year of healing, to realize it wasn't a boundary after all, it was a wall.

Her desire to have children often weighed heavy on her heart. It seemed so easy for others to conceive, why couldn't she? Doubt and fear lead her into a place where she couldn't talk about it and this place was called: depression. That feeling of "too much" often reached in, grabbed her by the arm and threw her overboard to swim in a sea of silence. And there were times, in the deepest of darkest waters, where an answer of how to end the pain would present itself. 

She tried to numb away the pain, not with alcohol or drugs, but with food and shopping. Permission was always granted: had a bad day, grab fast food. Bored: go find a great deal.

And the physical reactions to foods she ate, somehow received permission to exist. The stomach aches and frequent restroom breaks were tolerated. Even the migraines that were a weekly occurrence and would sometimes require 3 prescription pills to eliminate (along with lots of dark and quiet space), were excused. But really, she let them exist because they felt like a just punishment.

Somewhere courage broke the silence of unexpressed pain and trying to "do the right thing" took its toll and her envy of others' lives gnarled at her belly. And a glimmer came in. She saw the willing heart and followed where it lead. Repeatedly, she kept seeing moments where she saw how her life could be.

When the darker days began to lift, she knew where to ask for support and assistance and love. And so began the journey with Dr. Margaret, her supportive chiropractor, nutritionist, healer and counselor. She knew (even if it was buried beneath a lot of STUFF) that she was worthy of being loved and actually loved herself enough to do this. That she was ready to embark on the life transformation of the heart. And what once got buried beneath Food | Blame | Patterns began coming forward. And as she stood before the world (and herself), the layers of unspoken scars began to heal. 

The Jan of Now

Even as I wrote the above, I separated myself. Maybe that was the only way I could venture into the woods? Into the space where more wisdom, more lessons and more truth live. There is more hiding behind the words and details and for now, this is as far as I can go. But I know that my decision to leave her behind, for whatever the reason Fear  |  Doubt  |  Sadness didn't actually stop the pain in my life. It only meant one day, when I was ready, I'd have to go back there, to the place she was abandoned and say, "Let's journey together."

A Reflection on Healing

The last 11 months have been an amazing journey, awakening me to parts of myself that have longed to be loved, accepted and integrated into my life. And the more I do this, the more I glow.

I wanted to feel better and do. Migraines only occur if I have gluten, dairy or corn and overall my health has improved greatly. I have more energy and have transformed 94 pounds. 

I wanted to discover patterns that I use to need for protection, but now only cause hurt. Throwing up a wall between myself and someone often happened if it got "too real". I also wanted to be more compassionate with the part of myself that does this and to feel into the things I tried to stuff down or run away from.  

I've been able to have wonderful connections with so many wonderful people. (Seriously, thank you for all of the love you send my way! Know that I love and appreciate you too!) And what's great about these connections is that it isn't just about the weight transformation (though it usually starts there). Often, we are both able to go to this real space inside of ourselves. A place where we are connected with our hopes and dreams and our fears and doubts. A place where we can be the real us, wall free.

In sharing this story, I see where I could have gone, words I could have written and stories I could have shared, but I'm not ready. My heart whispered for me to "Give It A Try" and I did. And in this space I trusted that I'd be supported, that the words to express what I wanted to share would come and that love would surround all of it. 

Pride

The Commencement Ceremony

As Pomp and Circumstance brought you in, Capella University learners, tears welled in my eyes. You have worked hard to earn your degree, to walk across the stage and proudly proclaim, "I did it." The journey to get here was filled with moments of joy and some struggles, (but doesn't anything that is worth doing have both?) Now that you stand on the other side of it, how do you feel? Have those choices and struggles allowed you to discover a part of yourself that unlocked Perseverance  |  Integrity  |  Strength?

I tried to capture the amazing moments of your graduation ceremony. The sound of women's high heels across the wooden stage, the swoosh of regalia gowns and the uproarious cheers from family and friends that filled the auditorium. And me, a Capella University employee of 5 years, who came back to volunteer. It was important for me to be there, to connect with you.

So I wore my volunteer shirt with pride and as I stood in front of the auditorium, I took it all in and as you looked to me to help you find your seat, we made connections with smiles, high fives, hugs, "congratulations" or tears. I peered into the faces in the audience, watching them as they watched the graduation ceremony. Indescribable. My cheeks hurt from smiling, my feet hurt from standing, but my heart welled with love.
It is worth noting the beautiful power of being a part of someone's joy. These moments are gifts to our own souls too. And as I directed you to return to your seats, I got to glimpse into each of your hearts, after all you were showing them without armor, rather each was shiny, sparkly and filled with pride. And in my own heart, I felt encouraged.
Each of your stories weaved together and it became less about the details and more about how you were able do what needed to be done. How you were able to follow your heart, while still honoring the chatter of the internal critic. Even if the words, were only words, they Derailed  |  Stopped  | Halted you somewhere and you found yourself on the edge of greatness. And in this part of your journey, you began asking "how can you continue to follow your heart?" And here you began taking the road less traveled and without written instructions or black and white boundaries you did it. And the obstacles became even more honest, because they touch into our beautiful vulnerability. But when honored, the light shines even brighter and there is no doubt that what we are doing is great. And this is what I opened to. Ideas of how I can live my life began flooding in and I see myself as a learner who wants to receive my degree in Following My Heart  |  Speaking Truth  |  Being Passionate knowing this journey is one of the greatest I am on. So I circle back, how can you continue to follow my heart?"

Sharing My Pride: Do what matters!

Be passionate! Be proud! Follow your heart!

When August began, the intention was to write and write and write, hoping to unearth a truth that was there, it just didn't have light shone on it.
And when the words didn't come forward, I baked and baked and baked. And when my body was tired, I paused and fell in to myself.
The yoga class I took this week, had me appreciating my body, accepting the points of pain and the flood of tears that came out when my left leg twisted over my body. Something released and something was opened.
Something was loved and something was left unbroken.
Something was seen and something was shown.
It was life and love and beauty and death.
It as willingness and pride and heart and trust.
It was joy and sorrow and pain and ideas of tomorrow.
It was all and it was nothing.
It was a moment of opening and when I fell, I noticed where I wilted, where the journey takes me and how beautiful it was to stay there - with me.
And so, I to found the openness that comes when we recognize that our light shines the brightest when we do, what we do, because we know we are meant to. 
And in my words, in my blogging, my baking, I realized the gift hiding underneath it all, was that I love - all of me. The part that creates and writes. The part that loves baking for fundraisers and charities. The internal critic that says "is what I'm putting out into the universe valuable?" And I realize as long as I'm following my heart, no matter how it is received (although, I do hope it is Loved  |  Appreciated  |  Inspirational) like those newly graduated Capella learners, I need to share my pride in what I do. 

Celebrating 90 Pounds

Reached a goal today, on the final day of July and it is a welcomed bookend to this month. While I have stories to share, words to write and emotions to feel into, I gladly welcome a bit of glee. For the last 3 years July has been more like the start to my year. Why? Because it was when I first stepped forward to really start healing. This July lived up to this transformational calling and as I continue to feel into the numerous life moments that came forward, I acknowledge that I am not yet ready to dive in, to share or to write about their details. And while I know they are at the heart of my healing, sometimes the psyche can only go as far as it can before it puts up a revolt. I’m honoring both the eagerness to heal, as well as the desire to pause and respectfully say here I am. 

Today the Wii Fit scale displayed 210 pounds and I beamed with pride. Let's say that again just to make sure I'm not dreaming: 210.

So with that, knowing I'm 10 pounds away from the number no longer beginning with a 2 or a 3, but a 1, I'm sharing my top 10 lessons of life and love through this journey.

10. While there is less of me (90 pounds less that is) there is more of me to see

9.  Being willing to change and finding someone who can really support you is vital to true transformation (Thanks Dr. Margaret!)
8. In 10 months, my relationship with food has started shifting from fighting to loving
7. We all want to be loved, accepted and forgiven (especially within our own selves)
6. The foods I've let go of used to hurt my body
5. The foods I've started loving supply my body with life
4. Connecting with others on their journeys has lead to deeper healing
3. Blogging truly has been a saving grace
2. I feel better (a lot better)! If the decrease in migraines, grumbly tummy and back pain weren't enough - I have this enormous amount of energy to do more of the things I love
1. I'm Finding  |  Creating  |  Inspiring  Happiness!

The friendship, conversations and support you've sent my way have been appreciated. This journey is allowing me to come into who I am meant to be and I know the Universe  |  Angels  |  God  and your love have helped me reach this goal and for this I am truly thankful!

Love, Jan

Dear Blog

150 Things to Unstuff

Sometimes we need time away from something to understand the beauty of its presence and you, my Dear Blog, were greatly missed over the last 3 weeks. By June 30th my goal of Unstuffing 150 items was reached and as the pile grew, so did my patience. But, I was also extremely grateful when they moved out the door. 

My 11 Day Vacation

But wait, Dear Blog, there's more! On June 27th, my vacation began and Relaxation  |  Reconnection  |  Rejuvenation surrounded me as I road tripped in Minnesota.

Tent camping for 2 nights on the North Shore with my husband was wonderful (even with the rainy weather). We spent time together, away from technology and found ourselves going to bed when the sun set. Yoga at sunrise on the shore of Lake Superior revived my spirit and at Gooseberry Falls a sparkle of creativity allowed me to start a new art/blog project (soon-to-be announced). 

As I headed out on my own road trip, the mixed cd's were blaring, windows were rolled down and the sun shined. Visiting with friends from childhood, high school and college in northern Minnesota proved that no matter how much time has passed, these women are wonderful and our souls remain connected. We all agreed 5, 7, 8 or 12 years was far too long between visits and hopefully we'll see each other soon. My heart also hopes to reconnect with even more friends, resetting the years that seems to fly by between visits. These women opened their homes and families to me. They let me do my thing and supported me with meals that worked for my O.M.I. Life. As they headed off to work, the beautiful weather called to me and hours were spent near water, hiking in beautiful forests and horseback riding.

The Inward Roadtrip

The time and space allowed me to search for a deeper, more meaningful connection with myself, which was just as important as reconnecting with these friends. There were many times where I'd find myself journeying into the caverns of my heart, mind and soul and all along, I felt as if I couldn't share it with you, Dear Blog. I hid in fear of my words. Mostly because my truly inspired and loving thoughts were producing lightning fast results and I didn't know how to appreciate this beautiful power. And something shifted when the ground I thought I was standing on shook with judgement. I ran for safety. I ran to food. I ran inward.  

I began visualizing how going inward had me feeling. There was a strange familiarness to this space and reflection on previous visits stunned me. This was the desert of my own creation and as the earth shook with a voice so loud, I began searching for the source. Peering down into a mile deep crevice, I saw an ant sized version of myself:  Alone  |  Fearful  |  Stuck.

How had I come so far, to come back to this place again? I realized that I would come back to this place again, and again, and again until I would intentionally spend time there, not out of fear, but out of love. When I begin honoring why mini-Jan runs here, wants to be heard, but is slow to trust and is unsure that she wants to be seen, I will begin healing another layer of myself. I need to understand why this place brings her safety and how by running here, it only separates me deeply and is painful.

The beautiful journey began and engaging in conversation left me raw. I started noticing the shift and soon was able to put words to my experience and felt the growing flame of desire to share with you too, Dear Blog! I realize now that I had come to doubt my truthful voice, the importance of being present in the moment and the beauty of writing to heal. I doubted myself in unearthing this space and once I stepped into it, I could see how it could transform. The heartaches that brought me to this place allowed me to connect with more beautiful areas that need love.

July's Intention

When July 1 came, my monthly intention ignited: Understand Healthy Boundaries | Stop Building Walls. But I held this close to my heart because that foundation of doubt had already been built and what I thought was a boundary, was actually a wall that I kept running into. 

After my vacation, I integrated back into work and found a balance to appreciating leisure and structure. But I soon realized this was just another distraction trying to pull me out from the "in the moment" awareness I desperately needed. I became aware of the struggle between living in the realness of life, acknowledging what was happening, but choosing how to respond to it all. Even the words I could get out about the heartaches were vague, but I realized how important it was to at least acknowledge that. While I am choosing to not share them in full detail, please know that my heart has ached and that your support for healing is appreciated. The lovely thing is I can see my patterns. No matter what was happening, I started seeing I have a choice. I can Embrace  |  Open to |  Feel Into what is happening or I can retreat into myself where I sit stuck. 

On July 10th, I reflected on this journey: 

"Sometimes there are just things that bring us inward. The mind becomes concerned about the details, the outcomes and sits overwhelmed wondering ‘how will I live through this?’ It wants certainty that the emotional waves will not overturn the boat. And it is after the many life moments I’ve had in the last 2 weeks, I’m seeing through the wrapping of pain and seeing these moments as gifts. They are filled with intangible love and yes, strong waves of emotions. But is in these gift moments, my choice to open them has allowed me to acknowledge old patterns and move forward into a new space inside myself. I now find (even as I feel tattered) that my heart is glowing and that while I’ve felt all the emotions and grieved, the things that I thought were lost, haven’t really been lost, rather they have been transformed and are moving forward to journey on. And as I come into my own space, I realize that I am less struck with disbelief and appreciate that all the loss I felt was opening to my own transformation. Because I now feel (and see) that just as much as I wanted to heal, these lost things needed to heal too and if it weren’t for every wave along the way, I couldn’t have let them go any other way."

P.S.

Oh, Dear Blog, I missed you. I'd come to appreciate the safety and love you've helped me create and when I began doubting my voice, I doubted your healing power. I missed feeling like I had a safe space to express myself or a nonjudgmental shoulder to cry upon and somehow in the desert I had created long ago, I walked alone, without you. I missed our conversations and the flame of inspiration that allowed my writing express my life transformations. I'm sorry I doubted myself, my ability to write and the intention of this journey. While the last 3 weeks were challenging, going inward to see this pattern and the place I used to run to hide in was amazingly beautiful. I had felt it for so often and now I could see it for what is really was. Our journey together is vital to the depths of my healing and right now (especially during this time of transformation) the choice to Write  |  Share  |  Blog is one of the most important things we can do together. I love and appreciate how you have helped me transform and express myself, so thank you Dear Blog!

Love, Jan

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.” 

Marianne Williamson

The Red Capri's

The Red Capri's in 2012

    Last year about this time my husband and I were getting ready for our 5 night camping trip in South Dakota. We were excited to spend time together, see new sights, pause in the regular day-to-day life and really reconnect with Ourselves  |  Each other  |  Nature. I blogged about this last July: Rejuvenate The Soul - Travel! We saw beautiful landscapes, great tourist spots and had amazing experiences that live on in my heart forever. And we took photographs of it all. Looking back, the memories are just as fond and I see the love and happiness we were sharing. With that I also see 84 pounds less of me now. 

    There were physical limitations then, but I only know can see them for what they were. Hiking for more than a few minutes left me winded, with lots of rest stops. I experienced several migraines, saying it was due to the sun (when it was really my food choices) and my back hurt after sitting or standing for too long. And those Red Capris, a size 28 pant that I bought because nothing else fit and even they were a little tight.
    The trip awoke this beautiful knowing inside of myself, not to see myself as "bad" or "wrong" (even though that was what my ego shouted). No, I just saw myself differently, the same, but more Alive  |  Connected  |  Happy. I didn't know exactly how I would get there, but knew if I followed my Heart  |  Intuition  |  Fire  my journey would unfold before me. I started sending silent thoughts to the universe asking for doorways to open and open they did. Months before this, one of my dear friends shared her experience with a chiropractor she was seeing. I was intrigued, just not ready to know anymore for my own journey, but proud and amazed at her journey I was. After the vacation, next to unpacking and getting back to the swing of things, I asked this friend her who she was seeing. 
    When I knew where my intentions were and felt ready to move forward, Dr. Margaret and I began healing together. She is a chiropractor with holistic gifts to see where you were, where you are and where you are going. I've been Grateful  |  Challenged  |  Blessed to have walked through the doorway, discovering it has been the most real thing I've ever done. Through our conversations I've found healing and ways to learn to release old patterns to love my true self.
    Yes, I knew my health (physical body, migraines, back pain) were connected with my food choices, but I wasn't just going to go on a diet or have a surgery, it just wasn't the direction my body wanted to go to heal. I knew from past experiences had I only done one of those actions, my emotional connections with food and my closet binge eating would only come back. I needed the steps before any of that and even now as I journey with my body transformation and food choices, this learning isn't linear. 

    Life doesn't ever really happen in a step-by-step sequence and honestly, that was how I had been living most of my life. Do one thing, expect the outcome, find frustration when it didn't happen or temporary happiness when it did, repeat. So when my weight started decreasing, I thought when I weigh a certain weight, I'll feel happier. If I heal with my food addition, I'll be healthier. And while those are true and I do feel happier and healthier, up until a few months ago I had been doing it with some heart and a whole lotta head. 
    But that type of thinking had me pause when I implemented a change to the program after 8 months. I blogged about the experience here: The Stuff of Unstuffing Days 1-11 because when the scale didn't register a drop in weight for the first time in 9 months, I realized I needed to go inward. I needed to dive even deeper to really cultivate fertile soil to allow for inspiration and life to blossom. I realized how my step-by-step plan was out-of-date and didn't fit my life any longer. And I started learning (even more than before) how the Universe  |  Angels  |  God were helping me to really do this. That there was something greater in store for me. Yes, this was about my body transformation, but this was also about a real healing and transformation. By being honest, letting go of old patterns and stepping forward into my gifts I began seeing the beautiful powerful. It was also a little scary, I knew it meant my life would forever be changed. That if I choose them to be, my old ways of eating, my old ways of treating others and my old ways of treating myself were over.
    So, you see, this journey isn't easy, there have been holes I've fallen into and sometimes stayed in for a while. There have been times when my choice to stop has been felt and yet, all the while, deep down I believed in myself enough to keep going. But through this journey, I have uncovered my gifts, started connecting with people and have been really feeling the love and feeling better!

The Red Capri's in 2013

    Last night I put on the red capris (the only article of clothing I've kept from that size) and even as I held them up to my body I held my breath. And as they slide right on, I stood amazed at the wonder of my body and how it no longer filled them. How they slide down as I was taking the photo and how my heart filled with gratitude. 

    The love and support I felt and received has been amazing - so thank you! And please know that I would love to connect with you - we are all just trying to figure it out and knowing someone cares is the best place to start. If you're feeling a tug on your heart to start somewhere,  let it be now. Please know that I will offer my love and support for your journey to uncover your gifts and create a life lived fully, but it in the end it is all up to you! It's your choice where you go, who you have supporting you and following your heart.

If you are asking the questions, you are ready to begin.