Let me tell you about this gal, the woman that I was and will always be. The gal on the left side of the screen is still me and I am still her. We share the same history. Live in the same home, love the same spouse and have the same cuddly cats. Movies from the 80's make us laugh and quoting each line from Dirty Dancing is easy. Baking is a joy and the desire to make a difference in the world brightens are soul. And sometimes we both wilt into this place where we feel unworthy and unloved.
But this gal and I don't always see eye to eye. And honestly we haven't been on speaking terms for a while. Maybe (well, mostly) because the Jan of Now wasn't ready to have a conversation of truth with the Jan of Then? Because I know going back there, to the place where she lives, might just be a little painful. And maybe I haven't been ready to go there? But today it occurred to me to try. Here and now, I'll approach the place where the Jan of Then was left behind, knowing that I will go in or down or as deep as I can.
The Beginning of a Conversation
The woman I see standing in the mirror today or writing this blog sees the difference between who I am now and who I was then. The Jan of Now kept thinking "I'm not that gal anymore. I've grown! I've changed! I'm better!" And yes, there are things I am proud of and I'll tell you about those too, but it seems if I said them here they would only distract me from what I really need to say. And today, on the 11th month of transformation, I realized that I left her (The Jan of Then, the gal on the left hand side of the screen) in the past and said, "I don't need you anymore."
Discarded like yesterday's paper, tossed out as if to lessen the value of her existence. There seemed to be too much pain, too much anger, too much sadness there in that place. And I found it incredibly painful to look into her eyes, knowing that underneath the smile, something deeper was really going on.
The Jan of Then
A million people could have told her they loved her (many tried) and that they were proud of her (again, many did), but it didn't fill the space inside where she felt unlovable, unwanted and undeserving. She doubted why anyone could love her, because she didn't love herself. She couldn't see beyond her issues or see what others saw in her.
She cringed at pictures of herself. Her physical mass scared her and after the scale registered over 300 pounds, she stopped weighing herself. Her size 28 pants and 3x tops fit snugly. She often thought about how the last few years leading up to her 30th birthday were challenging. How her life had changed the day she made the choice to create a boundary with her mother. Only now, after a year of healing, to realize it wasn't a boundary after all, it was a wall.
Her desire to have children often weighed heavy on her heart. It seemed so easy for others to conceive, why couldn't she? Doubt and fear lead her into a place where she couldn't talk about it and this place was called: depression. That feeling of "too much" often reached in, grabbed her by the arm and threw her overboard to swim in a sea of silence. And there were times, in the deepest of darkest waters, where an answer of how to end the pain would present itself.
She tried to numb away the pain, not with alcohol or drugs, but with food and shopping. Permission was always granted: had a bad day, grab fast food. Bored: go find a great deal.
And the physical reactions to foods she ate, somehow received permission to exist. The stomach aches and frequent restroom breaks were tolerated. Even the migraines that were a weekly occurrence and would sometimes require 3 prescription pills to eliminate (along with lots of dark and quiet space), were excused. But really, she let them exist because they felt like a just punishment.
Somewhere courage broke the silence of unexpressed pain and trying to "do the right thing" took its toll and her envy of others' lives gnarled at her belly. And a glimmer came in. She saw the willing heart and followed where it lead. Repeatedly, she kept seeing moments where she saw how her life could be.
When the darker days began to lift, she knew where to ask for support and assistance and love. And so began the journey with Dr. Margaret, her supportive chiropractor, nutritionist, healer and counselor. She knew (even if it was buried beneath a lot of STUFF) that she was worthy of being loved and actually loved herself enough to do this. That she was ready to embark on the life transformation of the heart. And what once got buried beneath Food | Blame | Patterns began coming forward. And as she stood before the world (and herself), the layers of unspoken scars began to heal.
The Jan of Now
Even as I wrote the above, I separated myself. Maybe that was the only way I could venture into the woods? Into the space where more wisdom, more lessons and more truth live. There is more hiding behind the words and details and for now, this is as far as I can go. But I know that my
decision to leave her behind, for whatever the reason Fear | Doubt | Sadness didn't actually stop the pain in my life. It only
meant one day, when I was ready, I'd have to go back there, to the place she was abandoned and say, "Let's journey together."A Reflection on Healing
The last 11 months have been an amazing journey, awakening me to parts of myself that have longed to be loved, accepted and integrated into my life. And the more I do this, the more I glow.I wanted to feel better and do. Migraines only occur if I have gluten, dairy or corn and overall my health has improved greatly. I have more energy and have transformed 94 pounds.
I wanted to discover patterns that I use to need for protection, but now only cause hurt. Throwing up a wall between myself and someone often happened if it got "too real". I also wanted to be more compassionate with the part of myself that does this and to feel into the things I tried to stuff down or run away from.
I've been able to have wonderful connections with so many wonderful people. (Seriously, thank you for all of the love you send my way! Know that I love and appreciate you too!) And what's great about these connections is that it isn't just about the weight transformation (though it usually starts there). Often, we are both able to go to this real space inside of ourselves. A place where we are connected with our hopes and dreams and our fears and doubts. A place where we can be the real us, wall free.
In sharing this story, I see where I could have gone, words I could have written and stories I could have shared, but I'm not ready. My heart whispered for me to "Give It A Try" and I did. And in this space I trusted that I'd be supported, that the words to express what I wanted to share would come and that love would surround all of it.
I think this post is incredibly honest and incredibly brave. It is very hard to lay it all out in the open sometimes, and I think you are have articulated a struggle a lot of people have beautifully. I know for a fact I am not the only person who feels this way, yet I notice you don't have any comments here, so I thought I would leave one.
ReplyDeleteI found this post very inspiring and very touching. You are an amazing woman!