Christmas Card Debacle

     I’ve wanted to blog about this for a while now, but I haven't been ready or willing to process everything and didn't know where to begin. Clenching in my chest, taking my breath, even now I gasp for words. With 2013 being the year of The Whole Truth, here is where I start to write to transform.

Christmas Card Debacle

     I begin with the holiday season of 2011, 6 months before this I created boundaries with my family and I'd become accustom to balancing the choices and emotional challenges it created. I realize now how these boundaries were created out of fear and the emotional challenges I was experiencing were of my own creation. As part of this boundary, I made the choice to not see my family, rather I sent up gifts. The first year wasn't easy and while the second holiday season wasn't either, I was starting to realize how my overall health was improving, because I was making different choices. I needed to learn how to listen, trust and act with my intuition and even if the choices initially stemmed from fear, I needed to learn how to heal with that.

     Through this entire process of boundary setting, I've remained respectful of the relationships with mutual family or friends. I didn't want to blur the line or make someone choose, so I stepped aside, trusting my instincts. As I made my Christmas card list, I planned to send cards to many mutual family and friends. Paying attention to my instincts, I felt comfortable sending a card to a mutual family friend because I had received a birthday card from them in October. 

     The Saturday before Christmas we received many Christmas cards and included was an envelope without a return address. Opening the envelope I found the very Christmas card we had sent up to this family friend, unopened, with a handwritten note saying I had sent it by mistake, because they were friends with my mother.

     The words thudded in my stomach and my mind started racing. I sat stewing in my emotional baggage, as anger and sadness washed over me, the discomfort became quite unbearable and the old ghost of my hurt girl surfaced. But, before I allowed myself to feel it all, I made a choice; I pushed away the pain (an old pattern) and went external. 
     I began inspecting the card, as if it would give me the answer I was looking for. The card was returned to send a deliberate message. Why couldn't they just have thrown away the card? There was no return address, no signature and the handwriting looked nothing like the birthday card from October. It actually looked like my mothers handwriting.

My Old Patterns

      Another twinge of unresolved feelings surfaced as I thought it was an action of my mother. I found it curiously easy to make the pain I felt be linked to her, almost as if it was her fault I was feeling this way.  And in that split second, I began doubting everything (and I mean everything) I was doing for my health and I felt guilty for having set any boundaries. 
      As tears salted my cheeks, I called a dear friend and noticed more old patterns resurfacing. I wanted to eat, to shop and to get it away from me as fast as possible. I wanted to clean and lose myself in making every spot on the stove top disappear. Distraction was what I wanted and by acknowledging these patterns, I was able to start honoring them and make choices to feel into the pain, rather than fill the pockets of pain and for that I was thankful.

      Time always finds a way to heal the size of the wound. Somehow, the card had me feeling unwanted, unloved and judged. By acknowledging these feelings, I was able to discover I had choices. I could let this go - releasing the pain and disregarding this action. I could continue to release the pain, but seek truth. My instincts lead me to send a letter expressing my feelings and this was outside my comfort zone. The old pattern would have been to take the pain, remember it to apply armor and build another wall. I'd then feel awful, make empty choices all the while not standing up for myself in a healthy and supportive way.

The Real Truth

    I knew the card had been received when I began receiving several phone calls from an unknown number. No message was left and I felt uncomfortable answering to an unknown person. I had become used to this pattern of receiving frequent calls from my mother and I was scared. I didn't understand why a message couldn't have been left. 

    The next day the mystery caller left a voice mail and their name. It was the family friend letting me know why they returned the card back. They were angry and wanted me to know how the boundaries I was making with my mother were affecting the relationship.

    I made the choice to not call the family friend back. I wasn't ready to hear anymore than that. They resolved the odd scenario I had created in my head and I needed time to work through this. I also didn't feel my voice would have been heard and everyone has the right to share their feelings, but I felt judged and I needed time.

Accepting Limitations

    Like diving into chilled water, it made me realize the unresolved emotions and old patterns (food, shopping, cleaning) that I used to fill the pockets of pain with. The part of me that doubted myself. The part where I stopped feeling and blamed others. And the part of me that makes up stories that may feel real, but actually aren't.  And I realized that somewhere along the way I didn’t believe I was worthy of healing and I weep at this false belief.

    By peering into my heart, I saw the need to have my talents, gifts and limitations respectfully acknowledged and accepted. That each choice I’ve made, whether it leaves a mess or not, is everything I can do, with everything I am. Isn't that what this whole healing journey is about? That I have a choice to heal and I deserve to spend as much time as I need to do so. And that in my own healing, other relationships can begin to heal too.

Happy New Year!

     Happy New Year! What a great time of year to find a fresh start and be inspired to create new things in our lives. While I've never been one to maintain past New Years Resolutions for the entire year, the Inspiring Happiness Project has become a fulfillment of my heart's desire. And a way to maintain the resolution, connect with truthfulness and evoke passion; to create long lasting happiness and healing.

     The reflection of 2012: A year to Inspire Heart's Desire included an embrace of healing. After years of frozen creation, the Inspiring Happiness Project kept shining a warm light that melted icicles from this little heart of mine. Tears released words I couldn’t speak, choices solidified with truth and hands created beauty. Finding a world I treasured allowed me to grow and go against the grain, mingling with beautiful souls and reaching for the stars. As the world blossomed, this safe haven allowed me to begin to face myself with compassion and love, to be honest about my feelings, my relationships, my life; all the sparkles, all the dirt; everything. And with that the inspiration for this year is 2013: The year of The Whole Truth.

     I surprised myself when I placed the phrase: The Whole Truth on my Vision Board in November. The Whole Truth requests courage to speak from the heart and to rise up to support the things I believe in. I am taking time to carefully and delicately open doors and clean out the closest of my life. To inspect each outfit and see if it fits with the new life I am creating. Along with the beautiful sparkly outfits that have me feeling great, there are things stuffed into the dark corners that do no longer fit. As I continue to try on each garment, memories and patterns that were forgotten resurface. And through it all I support myself with light and love, to know that with The Whole Truth I am healing.

The Whole Truth #1: The Doorway of Connection

     In May of 2011 I participated in a Power of Purpose course; I began opening doors and looking in the closets. In this time, I was able to share my feelings of infertility - a journey I'd been struggling with since 2008. This was the first time words were expressed and it opened everything for me. In May 2012 I blogged about my Journey with Infertility. Infertility had become the focus of my life and the constant longing crashed against the cliffs of fear as I wept for the baby I was unable to create in my belly. As time dragged, I recognized its importance, yet I was disconnected from the depth. Soon, light began to shine and I was able to finally ask “what will a baby bring to my life?" This required an open heart and willing ears, as my patience was tested I unearthed its importance.  
     What parent hasn't been changed by a child? Babies bring new life and create transformation for the parents. I wanted to create a renewed life and find transformation. My inability to have a physical baby not only represented my future, it was my past. Somewhere in my childhood, I hid away my inner creative jewel of a child. I learned to survive, the only way I could, through the experiences that hurt me and the words that tore at my soul by doing the only thing I could to save this treasure - I locked her away. Layers of protection surrounded her as I made my way through the years of being asked to follow rules and make choices that put others best interests first.  
     As years went by, her memory faded into the corners and I forgot about the charming paintings I created, breathtaking words I wrote and a life lived with unbridled love. These were discarded because they didn't fit the rules. I forgot that I could create a transformed life filled with beauty and healing. But, she would have none of it - she kept knocking trying to remind me of her presence. But it seemed easier to ignore the pounding on my heart, so I stuffed anything into the little pockets of pain. Shopping, vacations, cleaning, food - these all became my way of trying to drown out the haunting voices longing to be loved. I convinced myself it was easier and safer to trust the pain I was creating, than by opening the door to the unknown.

     I lost a connection to my inner self - to the intuitive nature of my being. Something kept me going and I'm grateful that my desire to create babies was the doorway into discovering this lost heart; allowing me to find the transformation I was truly desiring. While I would still love to be blessed with babies, connecting with myself is allowing this broken heart to heal.

The Whole Truth #2: The Doorway of the Treat Yo Self Cleanse

     In September 2012, I began a cleanse - a cleanse of all cleanses; created to support, generate momentum and do what makes my body feel better.  Today marks day 105 and I'm continuing on with the food choices: Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Refined Sugar-Free, Corn-Free and Yeast-Free and enjoying 2 nutritional shakes a day. I greet 2013 with a transformation of  41 pounds away from this happy body. 

The Whole Truth #3: The Doorway of Healing

    The year of 2012 brought about amazing healing and I'm grateful. I've begun opening doors and trying on all the things in my closet. Yes, there is pain and heartache needing to be healed. Yes, there are tears and mourning of experiences no one should ever have to survive through. Yes, with it all, there is trust to be gained, patience to be found and forgiveness to grant and I will spend as much time as I need to create transformation and heal. I will speak with honesty, listen for sincerity and for this year be inspired with The Whole Truth.

May your inspiration for 2013

let your heart take wings and soar!

Happy New Year!

Wellness Wednesdays

Living life Passionately

     When I started my Treat Yo Self Cleanse I sought inspiration. Wednesdays became Wii Fit Wednesdays and most recently they transformed into Wellness Wednesdays.  
     Starting the morning off - I do my Wii Fit check in. Which this week's number made my heart skip a beat - I've transformed 35 pounds away from this beautiful body and turned it into light and love! Woot! Woot! And those pants hiding on the top shelf are now getting to go out on the town!
     And my afternoons (here's where so many things happen) are spent in a healing and supportive presence with my favorite holistic chiropractor, Dr. Margaret at Traditional Healing Arts. Her gentleness of spirit and love focus on my wholeness. Together, we've not only created the Treat Yo Self Cleanse (I'm now on day 93), she helped unveil the connections between my physical symptoms and feelings or experiences that needed healing. Why so many headaches? Why don't I sleep well? Why does my stomach hurt after most, if not all, meals? Why does my lower back hurt? How do I use food when it's beyond nutritional value? All these symptoms were messages - so with my willingness to continue exploring my heart; I've found guidance and support.
     For several years I've lived with migraines and in the last 2 years I couldn't go a week without light and sound sensitivity, a throbbing head and nausea forcing me to bed and requiring 1, 2 or sometimes 3 of my prescription medicine to find relief. 
     Even before the Treat Yo Self Cleanse a part of me knew I was sensitive to milk and yet I'd still eat ice cream, just suffering with the after affects. I knew after eating pasta and bread I didn't feel quite right - bloated and gurglely and yet I still eat them. I coped with these things, not by changing what I was eating, but by developing my own way finding map to the nearest restroom.  Consuming caffeine and refined sugar also ensured me a bedtime spent frustrated with thoughts racing through my mind. It's been over 4 years now since my body started sending me these High Priority Messages, one after the other and yet I didn't pay attention. 
     And now, that I've started paying attention and began transforming what I eat - it's amazing what I no longer have to live with.  It's been over 8 weeks since I've had a migraine. I no longer need to frantically search for a restroom after each meal. I've also been transforming weight away (I don't say lost - because usually "lost" means it can be "found" again). While this wasn't the primary reason I started the Treat Yo Self Cleanse, I must admit it's been the sugar-free icing on the gluten-free, dairy-free cake.  
     Amongst all these beautiful physical transformations - my heart, my soul and my mind have come together to find beauty in life. To let each emotion: love, joy, sadness and anger live. Through the embrace and support, I've found gratitude and forgiveness. I am facing myself. I am facing the fearful heart afraid to release food as my comfort. And the part of myself that closed off my empathy towards others because it became so painful to know what others were feeling. Remember my Care Bear Belly Badge? My heart, that continues to dream of having children. And the part of me that is letting myself take root into the soil before I blossom into a relationship my mom.
     With Dr. Margaret I've been able to unfold patterns and reveal walls that blocked me from creating the life I want. It's not always easy to acknowledge their presence and it can be rather messy (trust me, anytime that I've done this before I've come away from the experience feeling worse about myself and the situation.) Not with Dr. Margaret! We work together to create healing so that I can incorporate this into creating the life I want to lead; to continue to connect deeply and passionately with this beautiful life.

 I encourage you to listen, ask questions, seek answer and be willing. 

Know that this life can be lived passionately.

T is for Transformation - Day 84

 Give Me A "T"

    While I don't miss fast food (or how I felt after eating this food ~ugh!) I do miss the experience of going out to dinner. Enjoying heart delighted conversations; savory bites and the biggest plus - not having to do the dishes. 
     With the dietary restrictions of Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Refined Sugar-Free, Corn-Free and Yeast-Free the idea of dining out is concerning. At the beginning of the Treat Yo Self Cleanse I needed time to live without. It was almost a mourning period of letting the way I used to eat transform into the way I'm eating now. I needed to build confidence with choosing other foods and gain comfort got asking for what I need.
     My inner cheerleader jumped up and down and is cheering for me as I recognized that I can really have fun transforming with the Treat Yo Self Cleanse. As I now celebrate day 84, I realize how great I feel with the dietary changes and know that my commitment to this transformation is alive and well.
    So I was ready - ready to finally discover restaurants that could cater to my list of specifics. In my search for the perfect restaurant my frustration grew and I knew I needed help. I reached out to a coworker - who by her delightful (and informative response) was the perfect resource. I started with asking for recommendations for Vegan Twin Cities restaurants. Here are the ones I'm most excited to try:

• French Meadow Café (Lyndale and 26^th)"is a great sitdown restaurant (in the evening) with several vegan options for each meal. They make amazing food and it’s a perfect fancy date place, or a very un-fancy breakfast place."
• Ecopolitan (Lyndale and 24^th) "is the only all-vegan restaurant in the Twin Cities. They have an entirely raw menu, which can be a turn-off for some or it can be a huge selling point. I’ve found that some of their food is just too rich for me, while their juices/smoothies and desserts are amazing."
• Namaste (25^th and Hennepin), Gandhi Mahal (Minnehaha at Lake), and Himalayan (Franklin and 25^th-ish) "all offer amazing Indian food that has clearly labeled vegan options. Namaste and Himalayan do more north Indian food and Gandhi Mahal is more southern Indian. Namaste has amazing chai tea and the best chole I’ve ever had, Himalayan has great values for their prices and Gandhi Mahal is a great place to bring a date - nice atmosphere and a great range of dishes for everyone."
• Sen Yai Sen Lek (Central and Lowry) "has delicious, amazing, fantastic Thai food. They are very knowledgeable about what’s vegan and what’s not, they have a good beer/wine selection, and they also have gluten-free options. They always have one vegetarian/vegan curry each day."

    She also provided me this resource: http://www.vegguide.org/. So thank you my friend for helping support this transformation! As I continue on with this journey - I realize that I will always need to ask "what was that made with?" or "does this include X?" But starting with these places with a conscientious approach to food is a great start.

Holiday Traditions: F*R*I*E*N*D*S and Christmas Movies

      I love this time of year and am grateful that I am filled with love and excitement. While, I know I am a little late in posting my favorites for Thanksgiving - I still want to share. The day before Thanksgiving always gets me excited, typically we host and I love planning this meal. As I whip up delicious dishes the evening before I watch my favorite episodes of F*R*I*E*N*D*S.

• Season 1: The One Where Underdog Gets Away 
• Season 3: The One with the Football 
• Season 4: The One with Chandler in a Box 
• Season 5: The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks
• Season 6: The One Where Ross Got High (this is by far my favorite of them all!)  
• Season 7: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
• Season 8: The One with the Rumor
• Season 9: The One with Rachel's Other Sister 
• Season 10: The One with the Late Thanksgiving

      Then the day after Thanksgiving is always (always) decorating for Christmas. I love putting up the tree as early as I can. I love the golden lights, my favorite ornaments and my electronic Santa stuck in the chimney always makes me smile. 
      The Christmas movie viewing begins at this time too. When my husband and I started dating we created a tradition of purchasing a Christmas movie each year. This year I was impassioned to find the made-for-tv movie from 1986 staring Dolly Parton: A Smoky Mountain Christmas. And as if Santa came early, the movie came in the mail on Friday (what luck). 
      Here's a list of my favorite Christmas movies - enjoy!

•  Elf (2003)
• When I saw this movie in 2003, I was grateful. There had been several years where I didn't enjoy the holidays and felt they were more work than joyous. This movie helped me fall back in-love with Christmas and the holiday spirit. 
• A Smoky Mountain Christmas (TV 1986)
• A heartfelt and lovely holiday tale staring Dolly Parton. Music memories and a family of orphans finding love and a home with Dolly - love it! 
•  Santa Claus (1985)
• This was one of the treasures we found a few years ago. I remember watching it on a VHS tape we borrowed from a family friend. When we were searching for it, I could only remember the little orphan boy drinking a Coke-Cola and the reindeer eating the sparkly hay that made them fly. 
• Home Alone (1990) 
• A light hearted and humorous classic with great lines, like "When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone!"
• White Christmas (1954) 
• Dancing, singing - it's a musical holiday! Oh and when the general walks in the hall - it gets me every time.
• It's a Wonderful Life (1946) 
• Probably one of my all-time favorites. The tears flow every time and sets my heart a light. 
• Christmas Vacation (1989) 
•  When you need a good laugh, pop in this movie and enjoy great lines like "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant."
• Mixed Nuts (1994)
• It's quirky and makes me laugh. 
• A Christmas Story (1983) 
• This was always on the television growing up, but I didn't get it or even like it. Plus, I always seemed to catch the movie in the middle. In July of 2003 a friend and I were looking for movies to watch and we ran across this movie. I rolled me eyes and she convinced me to give it a try. It made all the difference watching it with someone who loved it and now it lives as on my favorites. We even have a mini-leg lamp in the front window!
• Love Actually (2003)
• Another movie my friend and I watched in July 2003 - I fell in love with it. I always love movies where the characters end up crossing paths. 
• Surviving Christmas (2004)
• I love Ben Affleck in this movie. 
• Disney's A Christmas Carol (2009)  
• By far, my favorite version of A Christmas Carol.
• The Polar Express (2004) 
• The first time we saw this was in the IMAX theature in 3D - it was amazing and continues to be a favorite.
• Original Television Christmas Classics (1969) 
• Includes: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer / Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town / Frosty the Snowman / Frosty Returns / The Little Drummer Boy. Who doesn't remember watching these clay-mations on TV?  
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966)
• The original and cartoon version - timeless. 
• A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (2008) 
• After last year's The Muppets (2011) came out, we just needed to add a Christmas Muppet movie!
• Noel (2004)
• Another movie about connections. Where you meet characters and by the end of the movie, they have crossed paths and found miracles. This one makes the tears fall, but well worth it.
• Bad Santa (2003)
• This one falls under the "I'm not sure why I like this movie" category. Maybe it's the hope that even when your life doesn't seem like it will ever turn around (ever!) - it will.  
• Miracle on 34th Street (1994) 
• Sweet version of the classic - I love this Santa.
• Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
• While the entire movie is not all about Christmas, it reaches to the heart of family. Plus Judy Garland's performance of 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' is lovely.