When Self-Awareness Happens

In the last 4 and a half years, I've been given opportunities to heal, grow and transform. My journey has required courage to move through infertility, establish boundaries with family, transform the relationship with my body, accept the dissolution of my marriage and live in temporary separation from my home, my belongings and my sweet cat. I've been placed in continual transitions and it has been uncomfortable and challenging; it has also been rewarding and heart holding.

Image from:
 http://brenebrown.com/my-blog/page/2/

There are times when the movement through the 'stuff' is clear, the journey is accepted and I find myself landed in a new place of deeper love, acceptance and hope. Though the truth is, those pieces happen AFTER my 'rumble'. I didn't know what this part of the journey was called and as I've been reading Brené Brown's new book, Rising Strong, her words have enabled me to better understand the holding space. As my self-awareness is strengthened, I recognize the signs when it is time to own and move through a block.

With each block, my curiosity is peaked with the opportunity to heal. Energy, time and patience are needed to live wholeheartedly. Because the truth is, I want to be my best. Though, I need to reach a point of reconciliation that my best doesn't mean being 'perfect', having a 'final destination' or pushing myself too quickly through something. My best comes from making the best choices I can with the tools I have. To do the things that scare me, to take risks to reprogram old patterns and to trust myself to know I'm worth it.

I grew up denying my sensitivities, intuition and my ability to connect with the Divine because I didn't understand it. After scary experiences occurred, I closed off pieces of myself. Fear and self-protection created programs to prevent me from experiencing that pain again. Unfortunately, as I've grown, those programs continue to play out when I feel unsafe. So, when I'm in my 'rumble' and backed against the wall, the fear of the unknown creates anxiety and I'm not sure how I will make it through the next layer.


But, wait, remember that whole 'self-awareness' piece? Well, I'm starting to see the old programs for what they are and do my best to make choices to move beyond the power they hold. Rather than fear, I choose love; rather than doubt, I choose trust; rather than running, I see what happens when I stay with myself.

With each breath and tick of the clock; times moves me through the seasons of my life. So, while I may be in the 'rumble' phase with the next layer of my healing, I'm going to bring in self-awareness. Because the spiritual gifts of 'self-love', 'self-acceptance' and 'self-worth' happen more often when practiced. And by me saying, "I'm rumbling through this, not entirely clear on my direction or next steps, I'm going to trust that where I am, is where I am supposed to be and what is happening is happening for me." It's allowing me the opportunity to practice all of those things.

Cloud Cult recently released their new song 'No Hell' and it would seem their gift for understanding the spiritual warrior's journey was translated into music and arrived at a time when I needed to receive its gift.

"It's easy to be thankful for the things you've got. 

It takes guts to give thanks for the things you've lost"

So I honor the things that shaped me into who I am today. Because I know what the truth is.

I am writing this because I have worked through each of those previous experiences. 

I am having new and amazing experiences because of each of my changes. 

I am more loving and more compassionate, humbled and grateful.

I am more willing to be vulnerable and share what is behind the mask.

I enjoy spending time with my friends and family's children wholeheartedly. 

I am creating new relationships with my family. 

I am stronger and healthier than I've ever been. 

I am grateful for the relationship I had and the lessons learned.

I am now reunited with my cat, belongings and settling into a new home.

Each step required me to let go. 

Each step required courage. 

Each step asked me to be a better friend to myself than my negative mind talk was telling me to be. 

And each step asked me to trust the process and believe that I am worthy of love, peace and hope. 

With Love, Jan

The Anniversary Letter

Since 2013, on each of my September 21 anniversaries, I've written a letter to myself, sealed it and waited until the following year to read it. Set in nature and always near water, the woman I was, meets the woman I've become and together discover something new. After reading the letter, I write another for the me a year from now. This yearly act is loving and sacred.

When I made the commitment to change my relationship with my food and health on September 21, 2012, a leap of faith was needed. My health issues were limiting and weighing over 300 pounds had me wishing to feel better. I wanted more energy; more passion; more life.



As I discovered my food sensitivities with gluten, dairy, grains and sugar, I made the decision to quit them cold turkey. I was determined, though as the cravings grew with intensity and as the flu-like symptoms indicated my body was detoxing, I was unsure if I'd made the best decision. If I had a bad day, I wanted fast-food. If it was time to celebrate, I wanted delicious food. Those knee-jerk reactions needed to be reprogrammed and addressing my emotions was essential for healing. Food stopped being able to cover over or push things down and I was faced with healing past traumas.



By my 1 year anniversary, I transformed nearly 100 pounds and couldn't believe it. And yet, the pictures are the most immediate proof that it actually happened. This change took work, time and energy and it was all worth it.

On my 1 year anniversary, I wrote the first letter to myself and saved it until I reached my 2nd anniversary. That next year of my journey, more layers were healed with my health and body transformation. My love for cooking highlighted the gifts of food and working with a new guiding light, ignited my journey. On that 2nd anniversary, I read my first letter. I was shaken. My letter was filled with prayers to have a child, though having a child was the furthest thing from my mind.

So today, as I read through the letter I wrote a year ago, it flooded back to me what was on my heart and mind in 2014. There was a place of insight in my letter, I knew my primary relationship needed attention and I prayed for healing and for answers to unfold. I felt lost, unsure and afraid. I didn't know that in only a few weeks, the decision to file amicalbly and non-contested for divorce would be made.



Compassion was key as I met who I was then and who I am now. It's been a year filled with significant changes; where I live, who I live with and my routine, shifted. My primary relationship ended, my marital status changed and so did my name. I found more support systems. Discovered the deep roots my friendships had and the remarkable way friends took me in and helped me out when I wasn't able to articulate more than the grieving process I was in. Joining a gym, trying new body challenges and working out on a regular basis became an outlet that helped put me at ease. I began working with a life coach, found the strength to move through life and discovered more of who I authentically am. I was getting the chance to start a new chapter of my life.

While I stayed close to my healthy food choices and weekly food prep, my old pattern to crave comfort (and consistency) had me turning to food in the midst of change. I was no longer asking my food to provide nourishment, I was asking it to meet my emotional needs as well.

So on this anniversary, I return to connecting with myself and talk gently to the part of me that is scared. To stop asking food to fill a void or stuff things down and to trust the process of change. I know making this shift will allow me to show up as I am meant to.



I need to share that I had a good amount of shame around this topic. Admitting that I'd let the foods back into my life that were harmful (even in small doses) is uncomfortable. I'd worked so hard and I felt like I'd failed myself and anyone who has been inspired by my dedication to my journey. Though when I stop the negative mind talk, I realize that one of the most important things I've learned on this journey is that being authentic, especially when in the valley, is far better than pretending "everything is fine."



Since I've tried shame, guilt, anger, fear and frustration and because I've beaten myself up and judged what I logically understood and yet, emotionally wasn't able to process through; I'd like to do something else. I want to meet this old me that longs to be healed with the new me. It would seem my newest journey is to fall madly in love with myself and be so curious about what I'll discover next.


So I'll talk to myself, like I would talk to a friend," it's okay to be scared and feel lonely. It's okay to want comfort with all the changes that happened. And you know what, it's understandable that you turned to food, because it was what you've known. Though, I'd really like to do something new. I am curious about discovering ways to feel comforted and loved that aren't reliant upon anything else, especially food."

With Love, Jan Lynn

I Thought I Needed A New Blog

A few weeks ago the idea for a new blog sparked enthusiasm. "Oh, what great adventures this new blog and I will have." A post saying farewell to this blog was created, as was a welcome post to my new blog. Confident I was traveling the best path for my journey, I shared my plans with my life coach. Everything was going fine until... (insert: dum, dum, dum sound bite). Energy shifted, questions drilled beyond the surface and I discovered something about myself.

Three years ago my blogging journey began here on the Inspiring Happiness Project and while I was unsure of what I would write or where I would grow, I knew this was the platform for something truly beautiful. It took me time to discover my voice, though as I wrote into the darkness, light was revealed. My blog became a sacred place of healing.

What this new blog had to offer was something different. I could stop being reminded of who I was. Stop being "the one" who worked hard to work through her "stuff". And people wouldn't know my past or all of the struggles I had. Simply put: I no longer wanted to wear the badges of courage I'd earned. They only reminded me of the pain I experienced with depression, anxiety, infertility and emotional eating. The self-made prison of shame held me captive and I'd grown tired of needing new tools to increase my happiness. I found fault in my humanness. I'd become so afraid of my realness that I wanted to shut it down and "be perfect".

And so today I write through those prisons. No longer holding myself, my gifts and my light hostage. It's in the vulnerablty to write and courage to share that a light shines brightly and the keys to let me out are found. And while my negative mind talk has me thinking I'll be "rejected, unloved and alone" by sharing that I need to work through shame, perfectionism and honoring my humanity, I've found something else. The truth is, I've been on the receiving end of compassion and love. And I like to believe it's because there are people out there, like me, who just want to know they will be embraced and loved for who they are, even when they are at their most human, beautifully messy selves.

The New Blog

While I'm sure my new blog would have brought me joy and met a need in my life, it wasn't really what I needed. Connection, honoring and embracing my humanness was. One day I'll write on that new blog and when I do, it will because I am ready to do so, not because I am running away from something.

So sweet girl, sweet blog, sweet readers, for now, this is where I choose to write, honoring my past, my patterns and my humanness with compassion and love. Because until I change myself and embody the richness of my life, my gifts, my journey and my humanity, no amount of blogs will fulfill my life.

So I return to my heartglow center with this blog where my intentions shine brightly. 

I want to inspire others to live in their authenticity

To live a passionately curious life.

To encourage growth in areas where one feels stuck. 

To learn new tools to be mindful, self-compassionate and self-loving.

To recognize when a comfort zone has stopped feeling comfortable and trust the process of stepping beyond it. 

To say, "hey, I'm human too. I get opportunities to choose how to respond to life triggers. And here's what I've discovered about myself along the way." 

I want to change someone's life in a positive and loving way. 

What I want... is to change and live mine! 

With Love, Jan Lynn

The Comfort Zone

The Collective We

For a moment allow me to write as the collective "we". While I usually avoid this writing format, it is offering me a sense of comfort (yes, I get the irony).

We LOVE our comfort zones. Their primary functions are to create safety, protection and provide us with certainty. Created by past experiences, we go through life and make decisions for our present life, from the perspective of the comfort zone.

Time goes on and then a Life Shock occurs. **Life shocks are moments that wake us up, encouraging us to grow** Suddenly, what used to work no longer does and we get the opportunity to see the Life Shock from another perspective and wisdom arises: we've outgrown the comfort zone.

The magic (not the truth) of the comfort zone is that we long for the way we used to feel. And because we are creatures of habit, we try to crawl back into the comfort zone. Often, we stay, in the uncomfortable comfort zone (yes, that's an oxymoron), even when it becomes painful.

Because

Who would want to change? 

Who wants to step beyond their comfort zones? 

Who knows they are worthy enough to embrace the process, create a new comfort zone, or better yet, live beyond them?

Here's where the healthy, perspective shifting discussion begins.

Who would choose to stay stuck?

Who would stay in a comfort zone that stopped being comfortable?

Why would we not want to discover MORE of who we are?

My Comfort Zones

Over the course of the last few years, I've faced many of my comfort zones and the work I've done has provided me with tools to live more authentically. In the process, I've discovered this amazing gift of my being; I love to learn, grow and share my experiences. Fortunately the Universe continues to provide me with opportunities to take leaps of faith.

Though I will admit, sometimes I don't see the leaps as opportunities, even though I know it is in my best interest. It isn't always easy to acclimate to the wisdom that stirs inside of me that knows, "it's time to grow." And in my vulnerable honesty, the process to shift my perspective takes time, energy and practice. What I do know about my process, is that with authentic support, nourishment and love, I navigate through the growth periods and come out stronger.

July 2012

My weight, body size and food choices used to be my primary comfort zones. They offered a form of protection, a temporary relief of pain and provided a distraction. The comfort zones were in place because of past experiences I was not yet ready to process through. When I began my body transformation in September of 2012, I faced my comfort zones again, and again, and again. Because food is essential to living, every meal became an opportunity for me to choose nourishment and connection, over frustration and avoidance. Naturally, as the layers of the healing process began, my comfort zones stopped working and started hurting. What I needed was to wholeheartedly believe that by stepping beyond my comfort zones, I'd discover a better way to live.

The Perspective Shift

April 2015
The Perspective Shift

I've become familiar with my growth process and can feel a new layer rise to wake me up. With this awareness, I asked for support and received a new teacher in my life. With full heartfelt gratitude, I honor the connection that began as I began working with Aaron, my life coach.

The Universe presented the teacher that would compliment my strengths, encourage my growth and would help me to live in abundance. I've flourished, discovered and harnessed new ways of living because of the work we engage in. And what I love, respect and sometimes get frustrated with (though, again, that is what I like about the process) is that I am challenged to see my comfort zones for what they are, to tell the truth and step outside of them to grow. Depending on how honest and willing I am to ask for support, the lesson learning and time of growth can be seen in one of two ways:

Is this experience happening TO me?

Or 

Is this experience happening FOR me? 

Regardless of how I choose to see it (albeit the first feels limited, icky, dark and deep, while the second feels bountiful, bright and makes my heartglow) my life coach is there to help me work through each phase, shift the perspective and make choices that align with my authenticity.

If I've learned anything from my body transformation, the growth process is filled with surprises, takes time, energy and most of all requires PATIENCE. So as I continue forward, courage, compassion and honesty surround my intention to live in my authenticity.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.lovethispic.com/image/48988/you-make-mistakes

With Love, Jan

The Big Climb

21 Days Until...

A few weeks ago I was climbing the stairwell in my work building and after reaching the 5th flight of stairs I was grateful to badge in on my desired floor. Upon exiting the stairwell, with winded breath, I said, "I'm glad I don't 'have to' do the Big Climb." 

Well, if you've been following me on Facebook, you know that I am actually doing the Big Climb on April 18th. That I've committed to climbing 48 flights of stairs and raising money for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. That I reached my financial goal week 1 (of course, more is always welcome). That a team has been created called The Capellavators (said with an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent). That I've been attending a weekly work out specifically geared to condition our bodies for the climb. And that I've met some amazing people through the process. 

None of those things would have been possible had I let that initial thought on the stairs stay with me. Had I lived in a "have to" world, rather than a "choose to" world. And that by making another choice, I was able to live beyond my comfort zone and try something new.

Because I practice and focus on living a holistic life, I see this Big Climb as yet another opportunity for me to challenge myself and grow. Even though I joined LifeTime Fitness in early January, climbing 48 flights of stairs takes my fitness, stamina and drive to a whole new level. I've stayed focused in the present moment and haven't worried about (well, ok, maybe a few times) "how am I going to make it up all 48 flights?"  I've focused on knowing I will make it one step at a time. 

Someone shared how blood cancer has affected their life and how grateful they were that I was doing this. It became clear to me that this climb wasn't just about challenging myself in a new way, it was about connecting even more deeply with the purpose. That these connections would keep me moving forward on the stairs, when my body and mind may want to stop. Connecting my heart in the process only furthers on the abundance in which I view my own life and now get to make a difference in someone else's. 

If you want to donate to support me and the The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society,Donate here: http://www.llswa.org/site/TR/Events/MNBigClimb?px=1737109&pg=personal&fr_id=1491

Meeting Pat with The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society

I mentioned the amazing people I've met and conversations I've had that NEVER would have happened had I stopped myself from saying "Yes" and showing up.

Yesterday I had the honor of meeting Pat Gail with The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Our souls danced together in a brilliant light, truly, words can only skim the surface on how amazing it was to connect with her. She's out there making a difference by the work that she does with passion and authenticity and that inspired me to keep shining and doing my work.

I also made a new friend in the process and honestly, this is the way in which our friendship was meant to be founded. I remember when we were both considering doing the climb. We both knew somewhere beyond all the doubts that we were meant to do this climb. We both wanted an accountability partner and as it turns out we found friends too. Her determination and enthusiasm to make this experience rewarding has been yet another beautiful gift I am only too happy (and grateful) to receive. 

So, here I go, prepared in many ways for what lies ahead in the next 21 days and also completely trusting that exciting and new experiences will happen along the way and I'll take each One Step At a Time!

With Love, Jan 

A Year Ago

A Year Ago

Had you told me that I would transform an additional 30 pounds by EATING MORE FOOD, I would have laughed. Or had you suggested I learn from a new teacher, I wouldn't have believed you. Had you told me I would learn how to love cooking, I would have doubted you. And had you told me that I would uncover even more about myself by examining my relationship with food, I would have stopped in my tracks.

A year ago I began my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment. With the support of Maggie Christopher, a holistic nutrition counselor, the GiveIt100.com social media platform and my own willingness to explore, I began creating an authentic relationship with my health, food and weight.

Inner wisdom let me know my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment would be a powerfully healing experience. With a few outcomes, though mostly focused on intention setting, I learned valuable lessons through my 100 days. Creating a daily 10 second video and then sharing them weekly here added to my healing like no other and beyond what I thought it would. It kept me accountable, kept me moving and kept me honest with myself.

Let's Keep Traveling Together

The 100 Days with Maggie was a jump start on my path as a Wellness Warrior, though one could say, it began long before I was consciously aware it was. To support my continued path, once a month, I sit across from Maggie in her 3rd floor St. Paul office. The comfortable cream love seat with beautifully embellished teal pillows support me body, while Maggie sits on what I can imagine is an equally comfortable chair, next to the fire place and supports my head, heart and soul.

Tomorrow Maggie and I will walk together in sacred trust to explore where my journey has taken me in the last month. We'll talk, because that's what is needed, in a way where I feel safe to journey further on my path.

I'll talk about how last week, in response to stress, I indulged with chocolate. And while chocolate in moderation is delightful, it was in the over indulgence where something shifted. I'll share that I was eating more than what feels best for my body and how I found a way, after having a migraine on Monday to reset the equilibrium with my authentic relationship with health, food and weight. As it turned out, I wasn't being all that nice or loving to myself.

And for all of these pieces, the roads we've traveled, side by side and the roads we have yet to explore, I thank you Maggie for being a guiding light and allowing me to shine!

With Love, Jan

Before There is an After

I've gone back and forth on sharing these photos. The myriad of reasons only is keeping me in a box that I'm no longer comfortable staying in, so here it goes, stepping outside of my comfort zone!

Rule #3: Photo Submission

One of the rules for the #90DayChallenge is to take "Before" photos wearing the sea foam green wrist band. These will be submitted at the end of the 90 days with the "After" photos. The problem I'm having isn't with following the rules or even creating and sharing "Before and After" photos. The issue I'm facing is that I don't have the "After" photos yet, I haven't reached the end of my 90 Days and well, I'm showing more of myself.

Afraid that I'd be judged, criticized or laughed at, I wanted to wait until AFTER the 90 Day Challenge. I also wanted to wait until I had a side by side comparison, the proof that I have made progress. Because I wanted certainty that the #90DayChallenge has indeed been "worth it." But, I'm not there, in fact it's only in the first week of the challenge.

Love My Body, Love Myself

I am focusing on going to the gym, participating in a group fitness boot camp and supporting myself to make a change. With my primary intention to transform, PERIOD. The physical changes will manifest as I work out, my muscles will become defined and strong, though what I also want, is to transform HOW I feel and WHAT I think about my body.

When I got my "❤ This" tatu, that was my physical manifestation, my "finish line" so-to-speak of my journey with loving my arm. I worked hard to embrace the beauty, to shift the energy and this was a process. I was asking myself to STOP with the negative and hurtful and START with the positive and loving. 

So now, here I am, sharing the start of my journey and asking myself to make a shift and love myself even more.

Listen, I know what you might be thinking, "you've come so far and you're still criticizing yourself?" Yes! I still spend time, granted it's become less, criticizing my body and myself. Yes, I know I went from a size 28 to a size 14, that I've transformed 130 pounds and that I feel and look so much better. Though there are parts I cover up, intentionally, because they hold a place of shame for me. My stretch marks, my stomach that looks one way when I stand and another when I sit and my thighs that hold extra skin. It's all there, the things I say and the feelings I have about my body.

Reclaimation

This post is about shifting the negative and hurtful and pouring in the positive and loving. To celebrate where I am at today and rather than "waiting until... (I've reached the 90 days or I've seen a physical change.)" I'm sharing, today. I'm done waiting, because I know I'll be missing out on something really beautiful in this journey of mine, if I do.

Yes, I know this 90 Day Challenge will be work. It is a process of shifting energy and honestly, I don't know HOW I'll get to the end. Equally, I don't know WHAT I will learn, WHO I will connect with, WHERE I will grow or WHAT roadblocks I'll encounter, HOW I will overcome or WHAT amazing new opportunities will present themselves for me. The only thing I know, is that I'm showing up, willing to transform.

With courage, I share the "Before" there is an "After".

Before I've reached the finish line of my 90 Day Challenge. 

Before I know and understand how important this journey is.

Before I have transformed how I feel and what I think about my body.

Here I am.

February 2015 - NOW
#90DayChallenge

February 2015 - NOW
#90DayChallenge

February 2015 - NOW
#90DayChallenge

February 2015 - NOW
#90DayChallenge

With Love, Jan

90 Day Challenge

From Last Year to Now

Before I share about the 90 Day Challenge I began at Life Time Fitness, I wanted to honor where I was a year ago.

Last year I shared The 100 Pound Lesson Blog and Vlog. This was an act of love and courage to combine the threads of my life and weave them into a fabric of the life that I am now living.

Focusing on where I was to where I am at, I not only focused on the physical, mental and emotional pieces that had transformed, I also shared where I was at. I measured my body and weighed 198 pounds.

January 2014 and January 2015

I've transformed an additional 30 pounds and discovered my love for cooking and took on a 100 day Journey of Nourishment.

The 90 Day Challenge

On January 26, I signed up for the 90 Day Challenge at Life Time. Today I weighed in at 175, completed a push-up and squat count in 1 minute and received my additional support information from my trainer Cil.

I'm proud of myself for signing up and being willing to explore where this journey will take me. I also look forward to sharing this with others. Honestly, I don't know where this will lead me, though I know it will indeed bring me what I need, lead me to where I need to be and that I will learn something about myself.

#90DayChallenge Wrist Band

Work It Girl

Me and my trainer Cil - taking a "Cilphie"

A Life Time Experience

A Life Time Experience

In the last month and a half I've been exploring ways to add body movement into my life. I've blogged about how I reached this point in Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 of The Exercise.

On Sunday, January 11, I knew where the next level of my transformation would take place. After searching for various places (gyms, private studios, Class Pass, etc) the Universe supported my intention as I attended a class at LifeTime Fitness with a friend.

 

The First Class

There were a lot of things that happened in that class.

First, I thought it was going to be a Barre Class (my primary motivator for body movement), turns out the instructor changed and we were now in Warrior Sculpt Yoga. This class combines yoga, strength training and athletic cardio training.*Keep in mind I hadn't been doing any significant form of exercise for a few months. I seriously considered leaving and then I improve'd it and said, "You're here, say Yes and show up!"

Second, even though it's been years since my weight, body and relationship to myself have been transforming, I felt very much like the "big girl" in class. I began worrying about the clothes I was wearing and comparing my body shape and size to others in the room. I realized those were old messages that are no longer the truth and fortunately they ended the moment body movement began. Turns out no one was looking at my body and if they were I was too focused on my own experience to care.

Third, for the first time I understood why people workout. There was a period of 30 minutes where I wasn't over-thinking or focused on a list of to-dos. I was present, in the moment and as my body shook awake in certain positions, I felt alive.

Fourth, I faced the thought that I wasn't worthy of moving my body in new and loving ways.

Fifth, I knew if I could rock it at Warrior Sculpt Yoga, I was ready to join the gym. I signed up and eagerly embrace where this journey will lead me and how my body, heart, mind and soul will transform.

With Love, Jan

The Exercise, Part 3

Let the Conversation Begin

So I've been blogging away on my exercise journey. Part 1 and Part 2 needed to be written before I could write this. It was my honoring of the doors and as one of my friends mentioned,

"I like that there are handles on those doors. There is sense of getting a grip, positive control and direct action to get a direct result opening and closing said doors."

So I now find myself here, eager and ready to share what I have been doing, how I've been and that I've not only seen the doors, I've turned the handles.

An Opening of Doors

For 2015, I set an intention to Discover Body Movement. Though it was before then that I knew the direction I was headed. Late last year I had two sessions with Emily Hall. She gifted me the opportunity to listen to my body's wisdom, to see many doors and open them. As it turned out, that what was beyond the initial fear, was more of me to love.

What I will share, (though trust me, there is more to write about those two experiences,) is that I got to see the way in which I've been doing my healing work from a new perspective. Energy and focus was poured into connecting with my mind and heart. And with much love and gratitude my spiritual practice has blossomed. And while I have physically transformed 130 pounds and many painful body symptoms decreased, I haven't focused much on my physical self, I just didn't know why.

The Dinner Guests

Imagine a dinner table of 4 guests; body, heart, mind and soul. Each guest has brought their strengths, vulnerabilities, truths and perspectives. They come together connecting on their discoveries; celebrating, expressing gratitude and seeking support. As it turns out my body guest was timid and shy, even afraid to step forward. Or perhaps the other 3 were talking and doing so much, my body self knew one day, it would be time to be the guest of honor at the dinner table.

Trust the Body

I remember driving home from the gym and this bit of wisdom floated up to my consciousness: Trust the Body! Tears streamed down my face, because I realized that wasn't what I had been doing, not fully or intentionally. That somewhere along the way, even as I transformed 130 pounds and focused on feeling good with what I ate, I didn't trust my body.

That lack of trust came from a part of me fearing I might gain weight again when changes were made in my life. Wasn't it my body to blame for my weight and the pain of allergic reactions to gluten, dairy, grains, refined sugars and soy? And wasn't I also doubting that I was truly worthy of this journey?

Yes, I praised and honored my body transformation, though I did a fair share of silent punishment too. What I discovered by opening those doors with Emily was that I'd been punishing myself for a very long time. Because I was trying to forget, shove down and disregard these painful pieces. The doors had kept me safe, until one day I would have enough strength, courage and a loving companion to walk beside me as I opened them. Behind the doors were experiences that happened to my body, happened to me and those moments changed the way in which I saw and felt and me, my body and my life.

Keep Trusting

While I don't condone what happened; I'm actively engaging in accepting and forgiving. I've punished myself long enough for something that happened to me, not something that I deserved or caused. By seeing those experiences for what they are, forgiveness, compassion, trust and love are being reestablished at the dinner table.

As I move forward, the energy at the dinner table has shifted. All guests are honored, engaged and participating. Forgiveness is the appetizer, Compassion the main course, Trust the dessert and Love in all of it. Together, the collective, mind, body, heart and soul will begin anew and that's a beautiful thing.

With Love, Jan

The Exercise, Part 2

Me + Body Movement = A Lesson to Learn

As I write this post, Cloud Cult’s That Man Jumped Out the Window plays in the background and the line “it’s the things that we’re too scared to talk about,” circles through the atmosphere. Because that is what exercise has been for me. I've been afraid to talk about it, to write it out, to blog and to share, because I didn't know what would happen when I opened that door.

Yesterday I shared The Exercise, Part 1, a blog post that sat as a draft for a year and a half. It was a funny thing, I've had other draft posts and when I'd return to them, they were often discarded or bits and pieces were grabbed to make a new post. But that one, it just stayed there; I couldn't delete it OR publish it. I felt stuck and didn't know why. And then there it was, I was facing a door I didn't want to open and so I waited.

The Door

Over the course of the last few years, I’d start out enthusiastic with an exercise plan. My body wanted to move in beautiful ways and so I'd find "the new thing." As the months went on, no matter how much I loved it, something would happen internally (was it mentally? emotionally? spiritually? or all?) and I would find myself blocked and that brings us to the door.

My consciousness identifies these blocks as doors. A door keeps things from getting in and also keeps things from getting out. I respected the fact that the door was there for a reason. Who am I kidding?!? Respect wasn't always there, though frustration, anger and sadness were, because I wanted so desperately to move!

There was a part of me that didn't want to know what was behind the door, because I knew it would change my life. And there was a part of me that wanted to know, because I knew it would change my life. Yes! I wanted the door to stay closed and to be opened for the same reason. I just didn't know it then and I didn't know what to do or how to be with it.

“What excuses have you been making

for not confronting the problem up till now?”

Stevie Ray

Opening the Door

For a while I kept trying to find another exercise that felt good for my body and for a while it worked and then there was the door again. I was starting to get the sense that I needed to acknowledge the door. It became revealed to me over time that it wasn't exercise itself that was the issue. It wasn't WHAT I was doing; it was HOW I was doing it. By continuing to avoid the issue, I only prolonged the dissatisfaction, making the process painful and uncomfortable. 

Sharing the post yesterday was me stepping out of my comfort zone, into the space of authentic vulnerability. Sharing this post today encourages me to keep opening the door with gentle compassion, because it will change my life.

With Love, Jan

The Exercise, Part 1

I've been waiting to post this for a while and by a while I mean since December of 2013. That was when I began to pull at the delicate strings of why I had stopped exercising 6 months prior. Where had time gone? And now, it's been over a year since I first wrote my way into it. By sharing where I was, it allows me to see where I am and to move forward. It is interesting to note, I don't have a real resolution as to why I stopped exercising, at least not one I can articulate. Though before more time passes, I'm honoring my intuition to share this post (and it isn't just to clear out my blogging draft folder), so here it goes. 

December 2013

At first I thought, "I'm too embarrassed to admit that I haven't exercised since July." And that feeling is real, though it only brushes against what is really there. Then I thought, "I'm afraid of what others will think of me when I share this." And yes, that goes to a place too. And then I asked what was behind that, because those weren't at the heart of the matter. And even writing this now, I'm not sure I understand it yet either.  
I've taken time, nearly half a year, before I could even write about this. Trying to uncover what is underneath my pause in exercising. My own fears of acceptance and love touch on the delicate outlines, my feelings of worthiness are there too. And as I write, it's me looking to honor the space within. 

Act of Courage

A willingness to explore what is sticky, to see the places I've paused and to look beyond the excuses. To share what is on the heart and in the head. This act of writing has become a compassionate companion, rather than a fearful foe. But even this post was harboring a fugitive. And for those of you that understand the depth of my journey, you see that this is a doorway into my soul. Sharing what is, what has been and what I hope for, places me in this vulnerable space. And often, it isn't until all parts of my being, are at the very least willing, that space and time lead towards sharing.

Sometimes I am not ready to acknowledge the door, let alone open it. I realize my truest concern underneath what others may think, is what I think and feel about myself. And in writing this, I acknowledge that I have felt unworthy of healing this piece, so I haven't blogged about it. And when I find myself trying to "fix it" the best course of action is to pause. To allow for me to become more loving with myself. For me to make the choice for this process to be less painful. 

So I begin here, where I am at, not knowing where it will go. Allowing this piece of me - this door into my soul - to be opened with love to let light in.

July 2013 - The Last Day I Exercised

I remember this day as if it were yesterday, though really the calendar proves that it was much longer than that. Armed with time off from work and a determination to find clarity, I eagerly approached my upcoming road trip to reconnect with several friends. I brought along my Yoga Booty Ballet DVD's and yoga mat, ensuring that I'd find time to do this exercise that I loved. It was my go-to exercise, combing yoga core strengh, cardio dance moves and ballet beauty.

The first morning of the trip I woke up and could feel the longing for my body to stretch. In the basement of a college friend’s house I practiced Yoga Booty Ballet, Latin Flavor and that was the last time I’d worked out with Yoga Booty Ballet. A door was placed infront of body movement and I stopped, I just stopped doing it.

6 Months Later

One day became two and two days became three, until now I sit here 6 months later. How had I started making excuses that I was "too busy" to make time for a 30-45 minute workout? What was stopping me from body movement?

In some attempt to keep moving, I tried to find a replacement. I attended a yoga class once a week for a few months. There were several reasons I liked this class. It opened a doorway for me to feel comfortable to physically move my body in front of others. The instructor was warm and inviting. The group size was small and I felt safe. 

It even offered some relief. When I started moving, parts of myself and my body longed to be held in the breath and so I’d stay there for a moment or two. And when my left leg crossed over my body, I breathed into the space and tears rolled down my cheek. I didn't want to be “that gal” and so I stifled them in. When we turned onto our stomachs the instructor asked if I was doing ok. I responded “I'm fine physically, it's just my emotions.” She smiled lovingly and said, “It’s alright if you cry here.”

So I was doing a form of exercise, though I could tell my body needed more and I didn't want to see that then. I also was avoiding the real reason why I wasn't moving. It wasn't that I needed a new form of exercise, rather, something else needed to be acknowledged, a door opened and I just didn't want to.

Was exercise something I was afraid of? Or was it that I knew what rested behind the door and I chose to let it stop me? And in time, will I find out what to do with that? I hope some day, when the time is right, I will.

With Love, Jan

28 Months

Last Wednesday I honored my 28 month anniversary of my body transformation. With a 130 pounds transformed, choices made to feel better and a willingness to believe in myself and the power of transformation, I truly celebrated this anniversary.

Though something happened before I got to the celebration. I noticed a part of me trying to make my 28 month anniversary ordinary. I suppose I could have agreed, yet that didn't settle with me and I made the choice to find out why.

Perhaps it was the part of me that thought after I reached my 2 year anniversary, the 21st of each month would feel "just like any other day." Though it really doesn't. Nor is there any reason for me to stop honoring this measure of time. If it were not for the bold move I made then, my life transformation wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be here now. So what was really going on?

Behind The Curtain 

I felt the spiral inward, as I moved beyond the thoughts that were trying to minimize the significance of this date, the magnitude of my transformation and the gratitude of this journey. There was a piece of the puzzle that was demanding my attention. Throughout my journey there was something I'd believed to be true. A part of me that no matter how far I got, would hook me back in to a place of discontentment. So I'd struggle, find a new rhythm and keep moving forward, though I never understood why this stop and go pattern occurred, what I could do with it or how it could transform.

The Mental Block

Most recently as I was moving my body at the fitness club, I saw this "truth" come forward in a way I hadn't experienced before. My personal trainer developed a routine for my body movement. With this plan in place, I found myself at the fitness club moving and feeling stronger. A few days into the new routine, I noticed a thought that landed beside me, "great job, Jan! I think you're done."

While I was doing a great job (I'm a big fan of pep talks), I'd been keeping count and knew I wasn't done. I wondered what that little thought was trying to do. "Well, Jan, no one will know if you don't finish your routine." Frozen on the green yoga mat, I recognized this as a mental block. I affirmed that I would indeed be completing the routine and responded back, "No one else may know, but I will." The energy of the mental block lifted, the thought dissipated and Jack Johnson's Sitting, Wishing, Waiting played over the speakers, becoming my work out wake-up song.

How long will I keep sitting until I am ready to move? 

How long will I keep wishing I'd take bold steps forward? 

And when will I stop waiting to be ready? 

Little did I know then, this experience was an opportunity for me to grow even more. As I sat with Maggie at my monthly nutrition appointment, we pulled back the curtain on this mental block. I could feel my breath quicken, heart beat faster and my thoughts race, as I tried to cover up what was nestled underneath. Thankfully, this wasn't my first time sitting with uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, so I settled in, took deep breaths and recognized my stop and go pattern, I was afraid and thought I was unworthy.

The Worthiness Factor

Over the course of the last 30 something days, I've been actively engaging in honoring my self worth. It's been an emotional process. A detoxification of the lie that I am unworthy and a reclamation of the truth that I am worthy. With the support of my life coach, I've grown with it, learned from it and continue to do so. Because over the course of the last few years, at the root of the 'stop and go' pattern I was experiencing with movement, both in the fitness club and on my spiritual journey, my worthiness was on the line. And in these two moments in time, I was given the opportunity to see the thoughts for what they were and return to a place of truth, that I am worthy.

With love, Jan