28 Months

Last Wednesday I honored my 28 month anniversary of my body transformation. With a 130 pounds transformed, choices made to feel better and a willingness to believe in myself and the power of transformation, I truly celebrated this anniversary.

Though something happened before I got to the celebration. I noticed a part of me trying to make my 28 month anniversary ordinary. I suppose I could have agreed, yet that didn't settle with me and I made the choice to find out why.

Perhaps it was the part of me that thought after I reached my 2 year anniversary, the 21st of each month would feel "just like any other day." Though it really doesn't. Nor is there any reason for me to stop honoring this measure of time. If it were not for the bold move I made then, my life transformation wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be here now. So what was really going on?

Behind The Curtain 

I felt the spiral inward, as I moved beyond the thoughts that were trying to minimize the significance of this date, the magnitude of my transformation and the gratitude of this journey. There was a piece of the puzzle that was demanding my attention. Throughout my journey there was something I'd believed to be true. A part of me that no matter how far I got, would hook me back in to a place of discontentment. So I'd struggle, find a new rhythm and keep moving forward, though I never understood why this stop and go pattern occurred, what I could do with it or how it could transform.

The Mental Block

Most recently as I was moving my body at the fitness club, I saw this "truth" come forward in a way I hadn't experienced before. My personal trainer developed a routine for my body movement. With this plan in place, I found myself at the fitness club moving and feeling stronger. A few days into the new routine, I noticed a thought that landed beside me, "great job, Jan! I think you're done."

While I was doing a great job (I'm a big fan of pep talks), I'd been keeping count and knew I wasn't done. I wondered what that little thought was trying to do. "Well, Jan, no one will know if you don't finish your routine." Frozen on the green yoga mat, I recognized this as a mental block. I affirmed that I would indeed be completing the routine and responded back, "No one else may know, but I will." The energy of the mental block lifted, the thought dissipated and Jack Johnson's Sitting, Wishing, Waiting played over the speakers, becoming my work out wake-up song.

How long will I keep sitting until I am ready to move? 

How long will I keep wishing I'd take bold steps forward? 

And when will I stop waiting to be ready? 

Little did I know then, this experience was an opportunity for me to grow even more. As I sat with Maggie at my monthly nutrition appointment, we pulled back the curtain on this mental block. I could feel my breath quicken, heart beat faster and my thoughts race, as I tried to cover up what was nestled underneath. Thankfully, this wasn't my first time sitting with uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, so I settled in, took deep breaths and recognized my stop and go pattern, I was afraid and thought I was unworthy.

The Worthiness Factor

Over the course of the last 30 something days, I've been actively engaging in honoring my self worth. It's been an emotional process. A detoxification of the lie that I am unworthy and a reclamation of the truth that I am worthy. With the support of my life coach, I've grown with it, learned from it and continue to do so. Because over the course of the last few years, at the root of the 'stop and go' pattern I was experiencing with movement, both in the fitness club and on my spiritual journey, my worthiness was on the line. And in these two moments in time, I was given the opportunity to see the thoughts for what they were and return to a place of truth, that I am worthy.

With love, Jan