The Exercise, Part 2

Me + Body Movement = A Lesson to Learn

As I write this post, Cloud Cult’s That Man Jumped Out the Window plays in the background and the line “it’s the things that we’re too scared to talk about,” circles through the atmosphere. Because that is what exercise has been for me. I've been afraid to talk about it, to write it out, to blog and to share, because I didn't know what would happen when I opened that door.

Yesterday I shared The Exercise, Part 1, a blog post that sat as a draft for a year and a half. It was a funny thing, I've had other draft posts and when I'd return to them, they were often discarded or bits and pieces were grabbed to make a new post. But that one, it just stayed there; I couldn't delete it OR publish it. I felt stuck and didn't know why. And then there it was, I was facing a door I didn't want to open and so I waited.

The Door

Over the course of the last few years, I’d start out enthusiastic with an exercise plan. My body wanted to move in beautiful ways and so I'd find "the new thing." As the months went on, no matter how much I loved it, something would happen internally (was it mentally? emotionally? spiritually? or all?) and I would find myself blocked and that brings us to the door.

My consciousness identifies these blocks as doors. A door keeps things from getting in and also keeps things from getting out. I respected the fact that the door was there for a reason. Who am I kidding?!? Respect wasn't always there, though frustration, anger and sadness were, because I wanted so desperately to move!

There was a part of me that didn't want to know what was behind the door, because I knew it would change my life. And there was a part of me that wanted to know, because I knew it would change my life. Yes! I wanted the door to stay closed and to be opened for the same reason. I just didn't know it then and I didn't know what to do or how to be with it.

“What excuses have you been making

for not confronting the problem up till now?”

Stevie Ray

Opening the Door

For a while I kept trying to find another exercise that felt good for my body and for a while it worked and then there was the door again. I was starting to get the sense that I needed to acknowledge the door. It became revealed to me over time that it wasn't exercise itself that was the issue. It wasn't WHAT I was doing; it was HOW I was doing it. By continuing to avoid the issue, I only prolonged the dissatisfaction, making the process painful and uncomfortable. 

Sharing the post yesterday was me stepping out of my comfort zone, into the space of authentic vulnerability. Sharing this post today encourages me to keep opening the door with gentle compassion, because it will change my life.

With Love, Jan