Where I Thought This Would Go

Let Me First Say....

This wasn't where I thought this would go. Yet it started out the way most of my blog posts do, me thinking it's one thing and as I lean in, I write into something much deeper. Sure it's easy to blame the initial response for what is going on and most times I'd be fine with stopping there. (screeching noise: wait a second, that isn't exactly true, though most often it's the default.)

Because the truth is; to write and to explore takes courage and sometimes I doubt that I have it in me. So here it goes, I write about a piece of me that has me feeling a little timid and shy. I've been practicing saying this phrase (3 simple words) for the last few weeks and each time I do, it still comes out of me awkwardly  and hyper aware. Even sitting in a room with my holistic nutrition counselor, I struggled to put the words together. Not because they are complex, rather because of the complex feelings and thoughts they evoke. Like an athlete in training, this muscle of mine wants to grow stronger and the only way I do this, is by practicing (and more importantly, believing) that I am...

Where I Thought This Would Go...

It's the calm of this beautiful Sun day, truly the Minnesota weather shined its glory

And as I head into the Sun evening, I count my blessings

The leisurely walk around someone else's neighborhood. Meals outside, wholly devouring nutrients.

A refrigerator stocked with delicious food for the week. The joy of beginning a new GiveIt100 Project that involves Creating Artitude.

Though there it is, the Primary tab of my email account sits empty and I realize that I am feeling that thing.

The piece that thinks, "I'm the only one who feels this way" a little alone, or maybe just lonely.

So I lean in (because that has become a much more loving friend).

And I find in between the stories that I tell myself and the stories I believe, that I need something more.

Yet my mind races with all the things; the missteps taken, the dislikes and negative comments

They race to the supposed finish line, but are stopped from being typed

Because there she is, the observer in me who notices and says, "thank you" to the thoughts

And I pause, to breathe deeply, because there is something more than just this idea of being alone.

What I Really Need To Say

Beneath the stories and somewhere between The Head and The Heart

There is a connection missing, something valuable inside that I'm just not getting

So I keep searching in or out or upside down, just to see if it will be found

Though as I spoke in a sacred space, I realized it's the connection I crave

Not really to anyone else, rather this part of me, that really just wants to be

To have the option to climb a mountain or swim the sea

To explore new worlds or stay home and comfy

To be surrounded with Beauty or be the one creating Beauty

In a place where...
There are no sizes to match up with the value of self worth

No numbers on the scale that measure the importance of my journey

And certainly no comparisons to others on how they create their happy and how I create mine.

If I want to be happy when I think I am...(fill in the blank: thin enough, smart enough, worthy of creating, worthy of being loved), I want to be happy now!

If I want to be confident when I feel I am ... (fill in the blank: talented enough, poised enough, courageous enough), I want to be confident now!

(And if I want to proclaim from this blog, for me to see)

If I want to be sexy when I believe I am... (fill in the blank: thin enough, confident enough, safe enough), I want to be sexy now!

And that's when the flood of what "sexy" is comes in. The definition shaped from an outside perspective.

And even as I've practiced saying it several times, when it comes down to saying: "I Am Sexy!" a part of me is filled with judgment and fear. Because sometimes I do this thing where I look past what I've done and how far I've come and I pull at the insecurity once more. Though it comes down to this, am I worthy of claiming my sexiness?

Well... I have 2 options: 

1) I could leave it up to others to make up my mind for me about what sexy is. 

2) Or I could honor my internal gauge that allows me to know where my sexy lies.

Because I can tell you the things sexy is not (though maybe, for a shift in perspective, I'll say what it means at a deeper level to me).

Sexy Is...

Being vulnerable, courageous and authentic

Finding beauty in what one creates

Being connected, curious and compassionate

Honoring the journey of the heart

And loving each and every body part

Written and shared,
I see that I can trust more
and believe deeply that,
"I Am Sexy." 

With Love, Jan