The Eve of Mother's Day

A Prelude to the Mother's Day Poem

I write...though it's prickly and deep. And even as my emotions surge, the parts of me that desire to be noticed are held captive to the fear and doubt. "It's complicated," I say. No life coach, therapist, spouse or friend can come close to filling the place inside. No chocolate, or food, or treats can either, heaven knows I've tried. The disconnect I feel, is asking to be seen, to notice the heartdeep and the breathbeat and to notice the pattern I feed, it's here to teach me. Bubbling underneath the surface, here's the space I've been trying to avoid. Tattered and torn or maybe better yet, worn. Yet here it goes, because there's beauty to explore.

On the last Mother's Day I tried to lean in and sent personal messages to each one of my friends. Though this year, I'm going to try another way, because honestly, this leaning in is sliding closer to my heart and I'm trying to feel it, without falling apart.

It's not just the navigating I'm experiencing with my own mother; it's something more, something deeper and (a pause to recognize the glimmer of light that wants to shine in the darkness of my mind) I know what it is. Even as my furbabies cuddle with me all day and my nephews and friends' children are available for all types of fun play, it comes down to this, they simply are not mine. So I don't know the answer and don't have a clue, I'm not even really sure quite what to do. Yet, I keep writing to see, if there is something deeper and wiser in me. And even though I find myself rhyming quite a bit, I am only looking for the pieces that fit. I don't want the wrong sort of right, or the piece shaped like a star to try and fit into the light. I want what is healthy, wholesome and true and when it comes down to it, I just want to be told, "I love you."

So I'll admit, the day recognizing mothers has me navigating deeply. The rising of the pieces that I was trying to lignore. Yet this time, I'm trying something more. To take notice of the deeper desire to feel the glow. To reach inside and rely, upon the tools I have and trust the messages from the sun and the sky. To seek no one's approval of myself or my journey; or continue to fill a cup of doubt, fear, or worry. To journey in and see the seeds, after all, this is all I truly need. To plant the garden I want to grow, where nourishment, support and love flow.

So I reach on in, to the cavernous place and make the choice to write about it, in the place where life and lessons and pain resonates. So now what will I do with the seeds of doubt? Perhaps, make the choice to turn them into something I am proud about? But before I leave this place where I learn, let me take one last turn. Notice the details of the dark and isolated, a space where no flourishing garden can grow, this I do truly know. Yet I wonder, will I still learn out in the sun and under the sky? Where light beams through the clouds and the ground beats with life? In a place where sight and sound surround the vast land. Where love knows only to love and where hope comes with courage from in and above. Where joy happens freely and emotions are observed really. And so to my garden I go, to plant the seeds of gratitude, love and peace and to truly share the final piece.

For my friends and family who are mothers,

Whether your children cuddle and coo or play joyously with you, notice the spark of light they bring to your life

And whether your birthed them from your body or birthed them from you heart;

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For my friends and family who are mothers,

Whether your children purr, bark or neigh,

You were chosen for them and they for you; 
Cuddle with your furbabies, especially today.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For those mothers whose children have journeyed to heaven

Even though they cannot be held each day, they send their love in amazing ways.

In the light from the sun beam between a cloud or in the breeze in your hair,

You are indeed mothers and for you,

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For the women who desire to be mommy's and simply are not,

Explore and share when you feel you can,

Because sometimes all you need is to be heard by a friend.

It begins with practice and blossoms with love

You who wish to mother are worthy of this beautiful message too,

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For my own mother, I send gratitude and grace

For if it weren't for you, 
I wouldn't be able to explore in this vulnerable space.

We are both trying to grow and I appreciate this so.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

(a pause... to breathe... to cry... to allow....)

And for the mother I wish that I were, 

Well, I send her the same.

Because if it wasn't for her, 
I wouldn't be able to explore in this vulnerable space.

For had her wish been granted 6 years ago...

Who knows where'd I'd be on this journey of mine and all the places I would grow?

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

With Love, Jan