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Trusting requires courage and compassion and takes me time. The amount of years I spent avoiding the word, even the concept, are measurable. And the number of times I've walked away from something or someone because the trust was no longer there, well, let's just say, that's a door I'll open another day. It isn't a natural path for me to travel; to honor my emotions and trust that I am on a path for my higher good. And while in the last few years, I've been learning new tools, seeing healers and started finding my connection to the sacred; my innate pattern, the program set to run on default is use to being on the run. With time and practice I've become more able, willing and ready to allow the various learnings to come forward and see that there is indeed a healthier and more loving way of navigating. Though sometimes I really get to practice; to see how my default program works, so that I can learn and it's uncomfortable and frustrating, though it's there for a reason.The Truth of How I Trust
It's not easy writing this, nor is it easy to face the part of me that thinks I need boundaries around what trust looks like. It's like trying to explain the depths at which love can heal or the fear of the darkness within; trust is like this for me - often just out of reach of words, though when it's there I know it and when it's not, I know it too, what I don't understand is why. How can I meet someone and know we are meant to be connected? And on the reverse, how do I honor the twinge of discomfort that has me flee a situation for my safety? And so again I say, trust is mysterious to me.
Trust comes from this place of inner wisdom, from a sense of knowing, beyond words and explanation, what makes sense for my higher purpose. Though there is this other piece, the part that wants to know why and sometimes I find myself stuck in the middle. Each time I see, follow, honor or ignore what is going on, I learn something about myself. Though I find it's often easier to say "well, that went well and I understand why that happened," on the other side. Yet while it's actually happening, trying to be intentional, engaged and present that's a whole other story. It's unknown why certain things are placed in our journeys and even I've wondered, why have I not been able to have a child? Why did I gain the years of weight, only now to begin healing with them? Why do I continue to blog, vlog and share my story? And why did past wounds (and even present ones) arrive when they did? It's unknowable to the logical piece of me, yet the one and only thing I've been able to believe is this: I TRUST it's for a reason.
Why Talk About Trust Now?
The last few days I've been feeling introspective and didn't want to write or talk about it - so, I didn't. I placed a "I'll talk about that later" label around a lot of things and somehow this meant run, hide and avoid. Though the other night when I laid in bed, tears began soaking my pillow. No longer able to dispense the energy I'd been using to run, I offered up words to guide and heal, a connection to the sacred was created and something transformed. And in the vulnerability of a tearful connection, the acknowledgment of my feelings nestled at the heart of this lesson. All I was looking for was a safe space to explore. As I nestled into the comfort of my bed, I realized this act, of leaning in, feeling, observing and connecting to the sacred was my act of trust. Turns out I just needed the reminder of how to get there.
So I continue on, accepting what comes forward, because as often as I've tried to run, seeing in the last few days how that worked and then having the release, I realized by leaning in, it felt better. My brain has an amazing capacity to remember and keep me safe and I am grateful. At the same time, I am wanting (and in need of) seeing the amazing capacity of my heart. To trust what comes forward and honor it.
With Love, Jan
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