Why I Cut My Hair

Doing Things I Never Thought I Could

 Since January 11, 2014, I've been Doing Things I Never Thought I Could, supporting myself with love. For the next 26 days, I'll be continuing to explore what this looks like for me. Some may be trying a new physical activity. Some may be showing up and being more in the moment, while I may also try connecting with others and myself in a new way.

So Far, Here's What I've Been Up To:

• January 11: Learning How to Rock Climb - check out my post and my vlog
• January 14: 1st Nutrition Appointment with Maggie Christopher, a holistic nutritionist - check out my post and my vlog. While I have transformed 100 pounds, have learned a lot about my food sensitives (gluten, dairy, refined sugar, corn and more), there are still pieces for me to learn. I came to Maggie saying, "here's what I've done, here's where I am and will you help me get to where I want to be?"
• January 18: My 100 Pound Lesson - check out my post and my vlog
• January 17: Massage with Sharon
  While this isn't something I didn't think I do, because the truth is, Sharon and I have been working together for years. I recognized how important it was to find a new way to support and love myself and one of these ways includes allowing my body to be healed and loved. After each massage I come away feeling rejuvenated and grateful.
• January 19: Craft
  When I created my Vision Board for 2014 I added the element of reading handwritten positive intentions (thanks Louise Hay). Each morning I come into my space, say a prayer and select a positive intention for the day. I sensed the importance of carrying these intentions with me in another way. Today, I went to my in-laws house, enjoyed a wonderful conversation and created beautiful mini books with my mother-in-laws amazing craft rooms. Each morning I write down the positive intention, carry it with me and read it throughout the day. This reminds me to stay in the moment and take care of myself.  At the end of each day, I place the piece of paper in a beautiful container and at the end of the year, I plan to spend time in reflection with each beautiful intention.

• January 20: I had a Dentist Appointment and found out I have no cavities (the first in many years). Turns out my teeth are healing too! I also had an Ayurveda appointment where I approached seeing myself and my journey with another layer of holistic awareness. I'm still holding on to this one in my heart and hope to share more when the time is ready.

• January 24: Women of Wellness. Even with the blizzard like weather and recognizing I was trying to use that as an excuse, I attented a newly formed group. Two amazing women were inspired to begin this group after they'd taken a group nutrition course with Maggie Christopher. And while my heart said, "yes" to being a part of this, my head wondered if I could do it. Again, I supported those thoughts, paid attention with awareness, all the while trusting this was the experience I'd been craving. Nervous, elated and honored, I vowed to show up. Self-awareness has allowed me to see how in previous group situations I become aware of the energy others and sometimes use this as an excuse to back down from acknowledging my feelings. I went into this group aware that I might do that, while honoring that the best  choice I can make for me (and the group) is to show up as myself. To be willing to share my story and most importantly to listen, while offering support. To observe the ways others show up, to understand what it is in me that wants to go there and to embrace each moment. This was a huge opportunity for me and as with anything, the more I practice, the more natural it becomes. I'm eager to be a part of a group where self-awareness and an honest approach to living a well-balanced life is appreciated.

• January 25: Hair cut & color - see below!

What's next?

There have been so many beautiful moments and I've taken my time to honor when I wanted to share them, or when I wanted to hold them in my heart for a little longer. What I've come to discover about how I show up in the world is that I am my most honoring when I follow my intuition and speak my truth. This is part of my journey, just as blogging and vlogging are also.

I have so many projects, adventures and appointments on the horizon and am quite thankful to have the energy, love and support to do this. The most important is that as I reach the 45^th day of Doing Things I Never Thought I Could, February 24th, I will spend time in reflection and prepare for the start of my 100 days with The Journey Of Nourishment.

Now to, Why I Cut My Hair

After Rock Climbing and working out on my mini trampoline, my left knee was hurting and I took this as an opportunity to look at other ways to create movement in my life. And while I now have an amazing list of activities to try (thanks friends!) I shifted the focus. Maybe the movement can be a look inward? And truth be told, my best creations and moments of inspiration have more life and fire in the belly when following my intuition. Sure I was bummed about my knee, though I trust there is a reason for this side step and I'm honoring it.

Out of introspection, the ignited passion to cut my hair stepped forward. As my mind went into battle with all the reasons to keep it the way it is, my heart continued to honor what is best for my essential self. You see, I'd come to think of my hair as the "only thing I had going for me." An old pattern, quite black and white actually, realizing that it wasn't the length or style that was truly getting in my way, it was the words, the safety nets. Realizing that just as my body mass once was what I thought I needed to feel safe in the world, my hair now had the same feeling.

Six years ago I began growing out my hair, I wasn't aware of the reasons why, I just wanted to try. As it grew, exhilarating joy came as each day brought forward a new style. Then something happened a few weeks ago, whispers from my heart came forward that I was ready for a change and last Saturday I cut my hair! Courage and vulnerability were requested, I found support by vlogging and as I let the length of my hair fall to the floor at Beau Monde Salon with my amazing stylist and friend, Dulcey. I let the idea of who I thought I needed to be fall away so that I could be the person I am.

With Love, Jan

The 100 Pound Lesson + Vlog

Vlogging

I'll be the first to admit when my husband said, "oh, you're 'vlogging' tonight," I didn't know what he meant. After a quick search on the web, I was able to confidently respond with, "yes, hunny, I am indeed 'vlogging' tonight." My heart was poured into this video and it turned out better than I had imagined. I've learned a bit about sharing this and am grateful for the journey, support and all the love. I've uploaded this video to YouTube and can be found here: The 100 Pound Lesson

I dove into the pictures and my life since 2011 and found that my weight was indeed my teacher and I was student. There were moments during this process where extra love and self-forgiveness came in as the judgmental thoughts started playing. "I was doing my best to support myself." And now I have more tools, more trust and most importantly more self-awareness and I find that I am able to support myself with even more beauty.

Reflection allowed me to look at my life since 2011 in 2 Chapters

Chapter 1: The Journey of Awareness

Chapter 2: The Journey of 100 Pounds

Chapter 3: The Journey of Nourishment

Pt. 1 - 45 Days

This began on January 11, 2014. A day I learned how to Rock Climb and completed my first Vlog. It set forward momentum and an ignited passion for doing new things, especially those which I thought I couldn't do. And in the next 36 days (until February 25), I'll be trying new things to honor my life with support and love along the way. 

Pt. 2 - 100 Days

I want my body transformation to keep going and for the holistic approach to provide me with tools and support to sustain and reach my weight goal of 150. Beginning on February 25 (36 days from now) I begin my 8-week nutritionist work with Maggie Christopher. Which I vlogged about earlier this week. For 100 days her and I will work together, explore additional layers with my relationship with food, support my emotions and continue to transform my body. While I currently use supplemental protein shakes for some meals, Maggie and I will work on adding real, beautiful foods, while supporting my food sensitives (gluten, dairy, corn, yeast, refined sugar) and life goals. I'm excited to share both this journey and the days leading up to it.

Where I Am At Today

198 Pounds wanting to reach my goal weight: 150 and sustain it.

With love, Jan 

Holistic Nutrition Counselor: Maggie Christopher pt.1

The Cleanse, 100 Pounds and What I Learned

Last July I began working with Dr. Margaret, a holistic chiropractor. Her talents abound with love and as we addressed the physical symptoms I was having (migraines, stomach issues, back pain, emotional challenges, weight) a cleanse was suggested. Knowing it was the right time, I set out to write a new chapter in my book of life. The work we did together was amazing, I mean, I transformed over 100 pounds in 13 months and started healing at the foundation of my life. I remain grateful for this time, energy and love.

In October I sensed this chapter was coming to an end. It was strange to feel because for the first time, in a long time, I had finally found a place where I felt safe to explore and now was understanding that I was ready to find a new place to do this. I handled it the best way I could, though rather than just pushing through it, I sat in it. I observed the thoughts and emotions and noticed the desire for a shift.

I felt disconnected and unnerved. What and how was I going to do this and who was I going to do this with? I fell back into some old patterns, unaware that my silence was speaking louder than words. A lack of trust in myself surfaced and somewhere I realized that regardless of the external pieces, I need to be the first one to support myself.

With a prayerful heart, I searched within and found support. Awareness allowed for a true evaluation and I began trusting myself, more than I ever have. It was my chapter on Trusting My Intuition. And as I seemingly felt alone, I saw there were friends by my side, encouraging and supporting me. Discovering that when I really listen, pay attention and ask for support, I find it.

The Next Chapter:

A New Journey with Maggie Christopher, Holistic Nutrition Counselor

Her card has been floating around my house, from one junk drawer to another for the last 3 years. Referred to me by my acupuncturist, I held on to the card, trusting my intuition that when I was ready, she'd be the one to help me get there.

I had a free consultation with Maggie on Tuesday, January 14, 2014 and created this video blog about the experience. The great news is we will be working together starting February 25 and I'm very thankful!

With love, Jan

Words

My Life is Filled with Words

Written, spoken, thought provoked. As they swirl around me, sometimes there are just too many and I desire a moment of peaceful meditation. With the start of the New Year and 2014 being the Year of Support, I venture into the world of my words. 

Can what I say and how I say it make me happier? 

Can using more loving, gentler words allow me to feel supported in my life and experiences?

I venture in, knowing not where the road will lead; trusting in the ignited passion to see what beautiful things come forward.

Vision Board 2014: Imagine a Year Happy & Healthy

As I was creating my vision board for 2014, I continued to ask myself, "what is best for my essential self?" And as I reflected on my previous board, I asked, "what am I ready to release?" With a quiet heart, I began exploring the impact Positive Affirmations could have on my life.

I placed words that meant something and this year my intention is to Support myself and create a Happy and Healthy year in all that I say and do. I do this by honoring what makes me unique and beautiful. My previous board was created in November 2012 and was 2 months into my dietary (life) transformation and just opening to self-awareness. A lot of what was on that board was 

who I thought I needed to be.

 And now 13 months later, I find myself asking 

how do I want to honor who I am?

One of my favorite pieces of this board is the interactive cards. Each of the pieces of paper with a "J" have a Positive Affirmation for various topics including; Health, Forgiveness, Friendship and more. Each morning, before I head into the world, I take a moment and choose a card to read. It's my way of showing up and helping to set a more mindful tone for the day.

Labels

As I mentioned earlier, there are pieces that I want to release, because they no longer fully support my essential self. Some of this are Labels and while these were self-imposed, I'm releasing them. There are phrases I've said to make pieces of my life “ok” maybe for others, but mostly for myself. Trying somehow to normalize and clarify what I am going through. I needed these words to feel safe and where I used to find comfort, I now find shame. It took me many years to even begin talking about these topics, to accept these labels as the state I was in and now I’m asking my whole self to create a different way to describe these experiences.

Infertility

That is at the top of my list. It took years to even talk about it and finally when I did, I found I wasn't the only experiencing this and somehow that brought me comfort. And because I talked about it, I soon found myself wearing the label “infertility” like a badge of courage. As I begin to rip at the seams of the tear stained fabric, I find myself wanting to call my experience something else. 

Infertility is real for my husband and I. My body is not able to conceive and while there are medical tests that could touch on why or treatments we could try to make it not so, I have looked deep within myself and trust within my life there is a reason for all of this. Maybe there is some bigger plan that I am not yet consciously aware of and I trust that it is happening as it was meant to. 

It's taken me years to get there, to be able to be wanting something, yet aware that there are limitations with it and I get a choice in how I accept it. While I don't know what I want to call this desire in my life, I am willing to admit that the label "Infertility" has held me hostage and I want freedom.

Emotional Eating

This one touches so many areas of my life and in the last 15 months I've focused on healing this piece. Sometimes I find myself making the choice to eat, rather than support the delicate emotions that have surfaced, though as I navigate, I find a well of support in myself. It was always there, just under the surface, waiting for me to discover this. Part of this support includes reframing how I see myself, food and my emotions. I often called myself an "emotional eater" as if this provided some "get of jail free" card. I used it as an excuse and going forward it will be my awareness, not my excuse. If I notice that is why I am eating, I'll acknowledge it and as I continue to do this, it will become easier. 

Intentional Changes

I talk about making these changes because I want to see 

if by changing

how and what

I say

it makes a difference. 

When I'm ready, I will be able to describe these life experience in words, though for now, they will live, without labels or judgement or excuses and as I heal in this year, myself, and all pieces are supported.

Love, Jan

Year of Support, Rock Climb & Video Blogging

2014: The Year of Support

Today I learned how to Rock Climb at Vertical Endeavors, I was doing something I never thought I could do and I did it!

To capture the emotions of asking my body to support me in this physical way, I created my first video blog. While it doesn't contain any "live rock climbing action" I'm proud that I approach this journey and the idea of doing something I never thought I could.

With Love, Jan

13 Things I Learned in 2013

#1. Begin with something small and watch it grow.

#2. Positive affirmations allow me to feel grounded in my experience.

#3. I may never know where the road will lead
and only will when I begin traveling on it.

#4. Body Transformation, Healing, Exploration 

#5. Writing, Blogging, Baking, Traveling Signs 

#6. Learning how to live more fully.

#7. When following my heart, I shine brighter.

#8. In each moment, there is choice. 

#9. Positive affirmations to repeat daily.

#10. I may not always react, respond or be my essential self in every situation. And while there is nothing I can do about the past, I can look back and acknowledge what I would have done differently.

#11. There are different ways of being fed (other than with food) and I'm learning how to do this.

#12. Hand written letters, road trips and many wonderful conversations, there was beauty in setting this intention. 

#13. Continuing to practice this has provided awareness. 

With Love, Jan