It's About Choices

Sometimes I Think...

How easy it used to be to grab a bite to eat

How drive-thru's seemed quicker than preparing something at home

How this new way of eating is challenging

And sometimes I chose to eat, rather than feel

Yes, I used food to cover over | stuff down | hide from 
what I was really feeling inside

Food was my addiction
and though I thought I hid it, 
my 300 pound body hid nothing
No, that wasn't fair | right | or wrong 
it just was what it was
And sometimes I chose to hide, rather than shine

I think about how I used to look. 
I think about how I used to feel.
And it crumbles there.

Not so much in the looks. No, it's in the feeling.

It wasn't normal to have weekly/daily migraines or stomach issues.

But trying to be normal or judging myself
was just another mind field waiting to explode

And sometimes I chose to judge, rather than love

Yes, I'm sensitive to foods
(Truth is, I always was, I just ignored the signals)

Yes, if I go out to dinner
I ask for every ingredient in the dish.
And if I need special accommodations, I ask for them.
And if you make me something, I'll ask too.
This isn't personal, it's my life.
Now, I'm choosing to love my body more than food.

How can I be living my life 
with a significant percentage of my physical self gone, 

But choose to feel more like who I was meant to be?

 Because this time, 
my journey of 

healing | transforming | loving

has given me strength to make choices
And in those choices
I've discovered my beautiful gifts.

They just lived inside of me

waiting for me to 
Choose to Shine

Let Me Shine: I Love To Bake

My love for baking brings tremendous joy to my life and my heart always shines a little brighter when I am creating something in the kitchen. Since the age of 3 I have loved taking flour, sugar, butter (or Bisquick for that matter) and making something delicious to eat. But in September 2012, when I began changing the foods I ate, I struggled with this passion and the internal debate began. 

"Can both my passion for baking and 

my O.M.I. Life food styles exist?" 

    For months, this question haunted me. I've tried pushing myself into only doing gluten-free, dairy-free, refined sugar-free and corn-free baking. And while I loved being able to enjoy these sweet treats (my mini-donuts and pineapple upside down cake are truly amazing!) I felt the tug on my heart to bake my other favorite treats (my Cake Pops are both magical and my craft!)
    So, a few months ago when my husband asked me to whip up a sweet treat for his work, I found myself inspired to make 10 different types of mini cupcakes. Those flour, sugar and butter creations made my heart sing and I was filled with the passion I hadn't felt in a long time. I rediscovered my love and gift for baking (and his coworkers loved them too!)
    Feedback was overwhelmingly positive and to hear they were cleared out by lunch time, I felt blessed. Not only had I jumped in whole heatedly to the challenge, but I used my gift and that felt great. But a little light shined down that day. There were a few people in his office who had Celiac, nut allergies and were diabetic. My heart burst open, I can make treats for them too and even though I cannot guarantee there will be no cross contamination, I can do my best, because I get it!
    So for the next cupcake birthday celebration, I paired those traditional ingredient mini cupcakes with one of my O.M.I. Baking treats! They flew off the shelves and the feedback was equally as lovely. It isn't easy to feel restricted with what you have to eat when your body tells you so. Anytime someone understands that, but also makes something that works for my diet, there is this connection and the thoughtfulness of love simply cannot be described.

The Answer: Both Exist

    Yes, I feel better with the food changes I've made. Yes, I've created a beautiful transformation. And yes, I continue to know this is the right journey for me and I hope that everyone can reach their point of motivation, satisfaction and love within their lives.

    But, I also still love to bake with "traditional ingredients" and just because I don't eat these things, my other senses guide me on the deliciousness of these treats.
    And maybe one day I'll bake only one way or the other, but today, I choose to use my gifts. To bake in both worlds, because when it comes down to it, I Bake From My Soul with One Main Ingredient... Love and that's beautiful.
    I invite you to check out my baking blog: onemainingredient.blogspot.com. It's a work in progress and now that I've finally come out of the "baking closet" I'm sure it will receive more love, (no more fighting the gifts I was given) Let Them Shine!

Celebrating 1 Year of the Inspiring Happiness Project Blog

My Show Starts Now

    21 months ago I began setting a monthly intention as a way to create happiness. And a year ago I became a blogging momma: Inspiring Happiness Project, discovering that through this process, I am really creating happiness.
    Blogging has allowed me to express myself exactly where I am at, with or without judgements and honestly. I’ve celebrated triumphs, searched for understanding with my struggles and most importantly, I’ve been willing to share it all. And even when the words seemed to cling inside, I'd find the courage to share.  

    I’ve felt into deep emotions, released demands and remained dedicated to healing. I’ve shared things I never thought possible, but it was in the sharing that I've been able to create healing. I’ve seen the patterns that used to stop me (and sometimes still do) and while I trust there are more to uncover, I'm learning from it. In the past I needed those patterns to feel safe. Recognizing them, seeing the connections and being willing, has allowed me to learn how to release and transform the ones no longer needed. I can learn how to love my true self and how to share my love with others. But what I have loved most is that I’ve witnessed my own transformation from a fearfully, sad Jan to this more loving,  happy and whole Jan.
    Looking back opened my heart to see how all previous moments have strung together to bring me here, right where I am and I want to acknowledge that beautiful and amazing process. It can be so easy to bypass the lessons learned after spending time in the dark, painful places, to run into the light, happy ones. Choosing to be in the moment and acknowledge all that has happened, all that is happening and all that will happen is important. With a grateful heart I share a few of these lessons.

I Can Be Honest 

    Having the courage to be honest with yourself and others is always better, but not always easy. One of my patterns was to dismiss honesty. Originally I blamed it on others saying "I didn't want to hurt their feelings." But looking inward, I was just scared of the truth. Expressing myself and my emotions caused challenges for me growing up, so I started hiding my true heart behind other things. I built up walls, both physically and emotionally. 
    I've needed to learn how to come into truth space, to face, rather than runaway from what has been laid upon my heart and to be honest! I've needed to learn how to accept truth from others, even if it hurts. I've discovered that even if you’ve been avoiding speaking the truth for years, being honest now is what counts and no matter how long it takes to get the truth out, just show up. And most importantly, the person that you need to be the most honest with is yourself.

I Can Acknowledge My Gifts

    I've come to lovingly accept that one of my gifts is to help others. Whether that is to help them find pathways to transform and begin healing, recognize their strengths, create meaningful connections or to step forward to claim their purpose. 
    However, along the way, honesty about my own healing, a lack of awareness and many overwhelming emotional moments, an unhealthy pattern formed. I would welcome others problems on, as if they were my own to resolve and I’d offer (what I thought was) the "perfect solution." I'd do this to not only "help" them feel better, but it stroked my ego when I thought I was making a difference. But what it was really doing was allowing me to avoid focusing on my own emotional healing (it seemed easy to take care others before taking care of myelf). While this wasn't my intention, it did happen and my choice to engage in this pattern has hurt relationships (some forever, some with forgiveness) and myself. 
    Almost two years ago I began trying to figure out how to pause this pattern (although, I didn't know that was what I was doing at that time). I wanted to focus on honoring my gift, but I often felt overwhelmed by the desire to help and I now know, I didn't have healthy boundaries in place and I needed to learn how to do this in order to truly help.  
    By pausing, taking a breath and paying attention, I realized that part of my gift was to begin my own healing process. That by helping myself first and learning how to acknowledge my own challenges and strengths, I was actually using my gift - it was just coming from a different place. Rather than my ego being in the driver's seat, my heart was getting to shine and I was getting to do what I was born to do.  
    As I continue to share my journey with creating happiness, body transformation, infertility and emotional healing, I have people responding to my truth and sharing their moments of inspiration. Each word remains in my heart and I am truly thankful. I've realized that by being me, I am using my gift.  

I Can Feel Better

    My physical body has transformed 75 pounds away in 8 months. It's been a long time in the making and others are starting to see me (the encouragement, love and support continue to be truly wonderful - THANK YOU).  
    What has started to happen now, is that I'm seeing me too. I have a waist now, my arms and legs have definition (thanks Yoga Booty Ballet) and I feel lighter. But there are times when I still see my 300 pound Jan self, not the physical part, rather the emotional woman who built up years of protection. She is me and a part of my life now and I need to take time to heal with her. I'm not going to ignore her or judge her or disregard the lessons to be learned from her, rather I'm going to keep talking with her.  
    About a month ago I really looked back at pictures of me over the years and I was angry and judgmental. “How could you let yourself get there?” "Why couldn't you stop eating?" "You really needed to lose weight." 
    I sat with this for a while realizing that no one else was saying those things, it was only in my head and was affecting my whole self. Time brought clarity and the anger turned to compassion and the questions changed. "Why did you need food?" and "What can you do to feel better?" 
    I've grown to appreciate that my body transformation has allowed me to find the beauty that was always there (it was just hidden under fear and was hiding the emotions I had to heal with). And if I knew then, what I know now, I would have been kinder to myself. I would have found a way to let my emotions be what they are and rather than react to them by stuffing them down with food, I would have found a way to comfort them with love. I would have stood up for myself and said, "you deserve to be healthy, strong and beautiful." 

    But I needed to walk through the darkness to discover this beautiful light. I had to appreciate my past and that each morsel of food, every ignored emotions, all of the stress, it all lead me here, to really claim my journey, to be honest and compassionate and to discover that I truly deserve love!

I'm a musical fan of Cloud Cult. I fell in love when I heard "Running With The Wolves" and now love their music whole heatedly. 
Music has the ability to settle in and allows me to explore unexpressed emotions and this song has been able to help me celebrate my journey. 
"The Show Starts Now"

No Fire Extinguisher Needed - Pt. 3 - Handwritten Cards

A Mini-Series of Blog Posts

    When I set my intention for April to Create Meaningful Connections, I had an idea of what this would look like. After blogging last week about love and the small portion I only thought I deserved, I found a great sense of healing and as it turns out, the space between blogs, the eagerness and the pausing, has allowed me to appreciate the process of pouring words from my heart to share on my blog.  Not only have I been able to celebrate joys and heal pain, but I've also learned to loved the process.

Part 3: Creating Meaningful Connections

    Maybe I didn't tell anyone about April's inspiration because I didn't want anyone to think they were just a "check mark" on a list of things to do? Or maybe, I doubted that I could actually do bring my intention into action. Chosing to write one handwritten card a day was a commitment and with love, I share what a month of intentionally Creating Meaningful Connections looks like.

Action: Write One Handwritten Card A Day

Here's how I did it and what I loved.

1. Make a plan. I printed off April's calendar and as names of friends and family members came to me, I lovingly wrote them on a day of the calendar. While there were a few dates that were specific to birthdays or anniversaries, I took a holistic approach and felt into which day was the right day to write to that person. The calendar allowed me to place positive intention with each connection. In all honesty, at first, I doubted that I could actually do this or that I would have 30 people to write to. Fortunately, I listened to my heart and found out I could do this.

 2. Create space. Setting up a table in my living room with blank cards, envelopes, stamps, my favorite pens and address book kept my intention insight and allowed me to focus on the connection. This kept things organized and limited the potential excuses I may have tried to come up with, like, "I ran out of cards", or "I can't find any stamps" - no excuses, everything I needed was right there.

3. Let themes happen. As I reflected on the calendar, I came to realize how the people placed on each day of the week represented something special to me in similar, but slightly unique ways. The fundamentals of love, support and friendship abound, but there was something specifically special about who I wrote cards to and on what day.

Meaningful Mondays
Cards celebrating deep connections and great motivators.
Thankful Tuesdays
Cards expressing true thankfulness for the support and love I've felt.
Wellness Wednesdays
Cards of gratitude for healthcare providers who helped me create healing in my life. This includes Dr. Margaret Mitchell, Sara Gillet and Sharon Madison, all listed under my Healing Resources Page. 
Thoughtful Thursdays
Cards dedicated to honoring the always attentive friends.
Family Fridays
Cards for family - love and support through years of continuing to discover and create myself.
Supporter Saturday
Cards for those who have sent oddles of support my way.
Sunday Seven
Originally Sunday had a different theme all together, however when Sunday April 7th came around I found myself writing to more and more people and wound up writing to 7 people. Sunday Seven has a nice ring to it!

4. Write from love. Each morning I would look at the calendar, hold the person and our relationship in my heart throughout the day and by the time I got home knew what I wanted to write. I'd find the perfect card, grab a pen and before it even touched the paper, I'd bring myself back to my intention.

 What I Discovered

    I joyfully wrote 88 cards. Mailed 55 of them and hand delivered 33. Each word and each card helped to fully live my intention of Creating Meaningful Connections.

    There ended up being 2 days (out of 30) where I didn't write a handwritten card, these two days were filled with so many other meaningful connections and really kept me busy, sometimes this just happens and it's ok.
    I encourage you to share in this expression of connection. Many of you have thanked me for sending cards and while technology allows us to easily and instantly connect, there is something wonderful about something handwritten, just for you. I love that my handwritten card was sent from my home, waited in a postal drop box to be picked up by a mail carrier, then sent to the post office, to later be distributed by a mail carrier to your mailbox and finally to be opened by your hands - Lovely.

No Fire Extinguisher Needed - Pt. 2 - Accepting Love

A Mini-Series of Blog Posts

    When I set my intention for the month of April to Create Meaningful Connections, I was eager to see how this would unfold. And blogging last week about my Skinny Jeans and body love I was on fire to share these amazingly beautiful moments. Even with this excitement and a heart that was ignited with passion, my mind and negative self talk came around and I found myself stopped at the doorway of living openly and honestly.
    While I had hoped to share these stories by the end of April, as it turns out, I needed time to see the connection of the space between my inspired heart and the take action mind. I noticed I wanted to catch a breath in the space of creation, after inspiration and before action.
    Being able to connect with understanding this process and realizing that fumbling through it, actually was what needed to heal. I had become so focused on taking action on the inspiration that I had to learn how to love and honor where this came from. And even though I was frustrated with the disconnection, as it turns out, recognizing this process became the most important, meaningful connection I made.

We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

    After watching The Perks of Being A Wallflower, sitting silently shook, I made a connection between the main characters, Charlies' healing journey and my own.

1st: If you want to find true healing, stop avoiding the past. 

    As Charlie goes through life, he realizes he has some issues, but doesn't know where they stem from or how to deal with them. He finally reaches a point where he needs to face ignored emotions of past events and realizes that his life will stop here if he doesn't. No it wasn't easy and no it wasn't painless, but it was vital for him to create the life he wanted to live. 

    For my own journey, taking the time to explore ignored emotions, discover where I left myself behind and acknowledge that the emotional pings were still affecting me. I tried to pretended it was all ok, but it wasn't and deep down I knew I wasn't fully living. These old patterns and emotions are me and by ignoring them, I was actually ignoring a vast part of myself. Sure, I thought I couldn't revisit the pain, if it scared me then what would it do to me now?  
    But what I've discovered is that by opening to support (thanks Dr. Margaret and all my angels) I've begun to transform and have been more open to feel into those moments. It hasn't been easy. It's required patience, support and a lot of love. 

2nd: Learn to accept the love you actually deserve.

    While Charlie doesn't understand how Sam can continue to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat her well. Mr. Anderson, Charlie's English teacher responds with, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Sam accepted being treated poorly because she thought that was all she deserved.
    For myself, my mind came up with reasons as to why I only deserved to have a small piece of this universal love. 

  

What I thought...

"I only deserve to love myself at 20%.  

Weighing more, not taking care of myself, wearing baggy clothes, having little self-confidence and thinking I didn't deserve to explore old patterns and heal was a space I lived for years."

What I actually deserve 

"I deserve to love myself 100%. To be at a healthy weight, select foods that love my body, move my body, wear clothes that flatter my curves and celebrate my confidence.  
I deserve to feel into every emotion, allow for space to heal and create this life."

 

What I thought...

"I only deserve to have the love of one or two friends. 

If I make any mistakes or have my feelings hurt, rather than sharing this, bottle it up and run away. There are no second chances." 

What I actually deserve

"I deserve to welcome and embrace love with many friends, to express my feelings and find forgiveness."

What I thought...

 "I only deserve to share my love with very specific boundaries set in place.

These boundaries keep me safe, stop me from being hurt and keep love at arms length."

What I actually deserve

   "I deserve to maintain healthy boundaries, without sacrificing or hurting anyone, including myself.  

I deserve to welcome love with open arms and love the way I want to love."

 
    And I see the connection with it all. That by only thinking I deserved this very small portion, I was stopping myself from sharing my love and accepting others. My heart has kept shining through it all, because the truth is, I loved myself enough to continue on with this journey and trust that I deserve love.