Celebrating 1 Year of the Inspiring Happiness Project Blog

My Show Starts Now

    21 months ago I began setting a monthly intention as a way to create happiness. And a year ago I became a blogging momma: Inspiring Happiness Project, discovering that through this process, I am really creating happiness.
    Blogging has allowed me to express myself exactly where I am at, with or without judgements and honestly. I’ve celebrated triumphs, searched for understanding with my struggles and most importantly, I’ve been willing to share it all. And even when the words seemed to cling inside, I'd find the courage to share.  

    I’ve felt into deep emotions, released demands and remained dedicated to healing. I’ve shared things I never thought possible, but it was in the sharing that I've been able to create healing. I’ve seen the patterns that used to stop me (and sometimes still do) and while I trust there are more to uncover, I'm learning from it. In the past I needed those patterns to feel safe. Recognizing them, seeing the connections and being willing, has allowed me to learn how to release and transform the ones no longer needed. I can learn how to love my true self and how to share my love with others. But what I have loved most is that I’ve witnessed my own transformation from a fearfully, sad Jan to this more loving,  happy and whole Jan.
    Looking back opened my heart to see how all previous moments have strung together to bring me here, right where I am and I want to acknowledge that beautiful and amazing process. It can be so easy to bypass the lessons learned after spending time in the dark, painful places, to run into the light, happy ones. Choosing to be in the moment and acknowledge all that has happened, all that is happening and all that will happen is important. With a grateful heart I share a few of these lessons.

I Can Be Honest 

    Having the courage to be honest with yourself and others is always better, but not always easy. One of my patterns was to dismiss honesty. Originally I blamed it on others saying "I didn't want to hurt their feelings." But looking inward, I was just scared of the truth. Expressing myself and my emotions caused challenges for me growing up, so I started hiding my true heart behind other things. I built up walls, both physically and emotionally. 
    I've needed to learn how to come into truth space, to face, rather than runaway from what has been laid upon my heart and to be honest! I've needed to learn how to accept truth from others, even if it hurts. I've discovered that even if you’ve been avoiding speaking the truth for years, being honest now is what counts and no matter how long it takes to get the truth out, just show up. And most importantly, the person that you need to be the most honest with is yourself.

I Can Acknowledge My Gifts

    I've come to lovingly accept that one of my gifts is to help others. Whether that is to help them find pathways to transform and begin healing, recognize their strengths, create meaningful connections or to step forward to claim their purpose. 
    However, along the way, honesty about my own healing, a lack of awareness and many overwhelming emotional moments, an unhealthy pattern formed. I would welcome others problems on, as if they were my own to resolve and I’d offer (what I thought was) the "perfect solution." I'd do this to not only "help" them feel better, but it stroked my ego when I thought I was making a difference. But what it was really doing was allowing me to avoid focusing on my own emotional healing (it seemed easy to take care others before taking care of myelf). While this wasn't my intention, it did happen and my choice to engage in this pattern has hurt relationships (some forever, some with forgiveness) and myself. 
    Almost two years ago I began trying to figure out how to pause this pattern (although, I didn't know that was what I was doing at that time). I wanted to focus on honoring my gift, but I often felt overwhelmed by the desire to help and I now know, I didn't have healthy boundaries in place and I needed to learn how to do this in order to truly help.  
    By pausing, taking a breath and paying attention, I realized that part of my gift was to begin my own healing process. That by helping myself first and learning how to acknowledge my own challenges and strengths, I was actually using my gift - it was just coming from a different place. Rather than my ego being in the driver's seat, my heart was getting to shine and I was getting to do what I was born to do.  
    As I continue to share my journey with creating happiness, body transformation, infertility and emotional healing, I have people responding to my truth and sharing their moments of inspiration. Each word remains in my heart and I am truly thankful. I've realized that by being me, I am using my gift.  

I Can Feel Better

    My physical body has transformed 75 pounds away in 8 months. It's been a long time in the making and others are starting to see me (the encouragement, love and support continue to be truly wonderful - THANK YOU).  
    What has started to happen now, is that I'm seeing me too. I have a waist now, my arms and legs have definition (thanks Yoga Booty Ballet) and I feel lighter. But there are times when I still see my 300 pound Jan self, not the physical part, rather the emotional woman who built up years of protection. She is me and a part of my life now and I need to take time to heal with her. I'm not going to ignore her or judge her or disregard the lessons to be learned from her, rather I'm going to keep talking with her.  
    About a month ago I really looked back at pictures of me over the years and I was angry and judgmental. “How could you let yourself get there?” "Why couldn't you stop eating?" "You really needed to lose weight." 
    I sat with this for a while realizing that no one else was saying those things, it was only in my head and was affecting my whole self. Time brought clarity and the anger turned to compassion and the questions changed. "Why did you need food?" and "What can you do to feel better?" 
    I've grown to appreciate that my body transformation has allowed me to find the beauty that was always there (it was just hidden under fear and was hiding the emotions I had to heal with). And if I knew then, what I know now, I would have been kinder to myself. I would have found a way to let my emotions be what they are and rather than react to them by stuffing them down with food, I would have found a way to comfort them with love. I would have stood up for myself and said, "you deserve to be healthy, strong and beautiful." 

    But I needed to walk through the darkness to discover this beautiful light. I had to appreciate my past and that each morsel of food, every ignored emotions, all of the stress, it all lead me here, to really claim my journey, to be honest and compassionate and to discover that I truly deserve love!

I'm a musical fan of Cloud Cult. I fell in love when I heard "Running With The Wolves" and now love their music whole heatedly. 
Music has the ability to settle in and allows me to explore unexpressed emotions and this song has been able to help me celebrate my journey. 
"The Show Starts Now"