No Fire Extinguisher Needed - Pt. 2 - Accepting Love

A Mini-Series of Blog Posts

    When I set my intention for the month of April to Create Meaningful Connections, I was eager to see how this would unfold. And blogging last week about my Skinny Jeans and body love I was on fire to share these amazingly beautiful moments. Even with this excitement and a heart that was ignited with passion, my mind and negative self talk came around and I found myself stopped at the doorway of living openly and honestly.
    While I had hoped to share these stories by the end of April, as it turns out, I needed time to see the connection of the space between my inspired heart and the take action mind. I noticed I wanted to catch a breath in the space of creation, after inspiration and before action.
    Being able to connect with understanding this process and realizing that fumbling through it, actually was what needed to heal. I had become so focused on taking action on the inspiration that I had to learn how to love and honor where this came from. And even though I was frustrated with the disconnection, as it turns out, recognizing this process became the most important, meaningful connection I made.

We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

    After watching The Perks of Being A Wallflower, sitting silently shook, I made a connection between the main characters, Charlies' healing journey and my own.

1st: If you want to find true healing, stop avoiding the past. 

    As Charlie goes through life, he realizes he has some issues, but doesn't know where they stem from or how to deal with them. He finally reaches a point where he needs to face ignored emotions of past events and realizes that his life will stop here if he doesn't. No it wasn't easy and no it wasn't painless, but it was vital for him to create the life he wanted to live. 

    For my own journey, taking the time to explore ignored emotions, discover where I left myself behind and acknowledge that the emotional pings were still affecting me. I tried to pretended it was all ok, but it wasn't and deep down I knew I wasn't fully living. These old patterns and emotions are me and by ignoring them, I was actually ignoring a vast part of myself. Sure, I thought I couldn't revisit the pain, if it scared me then what would it do to me now?  
    But what I've discovered is that by opening to support (thanks Dr. Margaret and all my angels) I've begun to transform and have been more open to feel into those moments. It hasn't been easy. It's required patience, support and a lot of love. 

2nd: Learn to accept the love you actually deserve.

    While Charlie doesn't understand how Sam can continue to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat her well. Mr. Anderson, Charlie's English teacher responds with, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Sam accepted being treated poorly because she thought that was all she deserved.
    For myself, my mind came up with reasons as to why I only deserved to have a small piece of this universal love. 

  

What I thought...

"I only deserve to love myself at 20%.  

Weighing more, not taking care of myself, wearing baggy clothes, having little self-confidence and thinking I didn't deserve to explore old patterns and heal was a space I lived for years."

What I actually deserve 

"I deserve to love myself 100%. To be at a healthy weight, select foods that love my body, move my body, wear clothes that flatter my curves and celebrate my confidence.  
I deserve to feel into every emotion, allow for space to heal and create this life."

 

What I thought...

"I only deserve to have the love of one or two friends. 

If I make any mistakes or have my feelings hurt, rather than sharing this, bottle it up and run away. There are no second chances." 

What I actually deserve

"I deserve to welcome and embrace love with many friends, to express my feelings and find forgiveness."

What I thought...

 "I only deserve to share my love with very specific boundaries set in place.

These boundaries keep me safe, stop me from being hurt and keep love at arms length."

What I actually deserve

   "I deserve to maintain healthy boundaries, without sacrificing or hurting anyone, including myself.  

I deserve to welcome love with open arms and love the way I want to love."

 
    And I see the connection with it all. That by only thinking I deserved this very small portion, I was stopping myself from sharing my love and accepting others. My heart has kept shining through it all, because the truth is, I loved myself enough to continue on with this journey and trust that I deserve love.